Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (17 page)

A collar represents, for the individuals involved,
whatever
they agree that it represents.
  In other words, no one should attempt
to define the symbolism, meaning or significance of another person’s
collar.  It would be very much like trying to tell a
married person
what her wedding ring is supposed to symbolize.  Each collar means
something different to the person wearing it.  Even so, there are several
generic
classifications
of collars which you may encounter that typically have
the same meaning to just about everyone in the BDSM lifestyle.  In other
words, if you want your collar to mean
something else entirely
, it’s
probably not a good idea to use one of the following names for it:

Velcro Collar

Velcro collars
don’t really exist
, at least
not in the sense that the term is generally used in the BDSM community. 
It’s a derogatory term used by people in the lifestyle who take their collars
very seriously to describe the practice of collaring
indiscriminately and
often
, without regard to whether or not there is any real relationship at
its core.  The rapid growth of BDSM related internet chat rooms, games,
and instant messaging programs have contributed to an online environment where
casual and often anonymous experimentation occurs with few significant or
lingering consequences.  As a result, it is not at all unusual to see
brand new, curious or naïve self-proclaimed Dominants collaring several new
submissives
each day
.  The commitment associated with accepting
such a collar is typically limited to a one-night-stand of
cybersex
,
after which the status of the
pseudo-relationship
is dubious, at
best. 

One of the things that make so-called Velcro collars
a common phenomenon, at least in the
online
BDSM community, is the
unfortunate tendency on the part of new submissives to believe that they must
find a Master
immediately
, and
at all costs.
 This is not
only
foolish
, but can be extremely
dangerous
, especially for
brand new, naïve submissives who haven’t yet learned how to protect themselves
from the predators and abusers who are sometimes drawn to the lifestyle like
moths to a flame.  It’s reminiscent of the old Steve Martin joke about how
to be a millionaire. 
(“First, get a million dollars.”)
 
Similarly, there are many curious people exploring the lifestyle right now who
believe that the key to becoming a submissive is,
“First, get a Master.”
 The
truly unfortunate thing about it is, it’s
not a joke.

Play Collar

A play collar is any collar that is worn primarily
for
utilitarian purposes
during a BDSM
play
session. 
Typically, play collars are constructed of leather or metal, but they can
literally be made of any material that is appropriate for the type of play that
is going to take place.  The most common type of play collar used in
bondage
scenes are constructed of durable leather and heavy-duty steel D-rings which
facilitate the attachment of chains, straps, rope, or other restraints to the
collar.  Other types of play collars may include
posture collars
,
neck
corsets
,
steel lockable collars
,
rubber or PVC collars, medical
(cervical) collars, ball gag collars, bit gag collars
,
or hooded collars
. 
For obvious reasons, play collars are
not
common in the
online
BDSM culture.

Collar of Consideration

A collar of consideration is a
provisional
collar
that is offered by a Dominant to a submissive that he is considering as a
potential submissive who will presumably become eligible for a collar of
greater significance and commitment at the end of the probationary
period.  It is typically used to give some recognition to the process of
getting to know each other by formalizing a
tentative
commitment by a
submissive to discontinue shopping for a Dominant while being considered by
this one, and by the Dominant to treat her
as his
own
for the
duration of the agreement.  The terms of this tentative agreement should
be negotiated
prior
to the collaring, and are typically set to expire
after a relatively short period of time.  This is designed to prevent a
submissive from being strung-along by an indecisive Dominant for an indefinite
period of time.  If, at any time during the agreed-upon consideration
period, either party decides that a more serious relationship is not worth
pursuing further, that party is permitted to unilaterally withdraw from the
agreement without fault or blame.  Collars of consideration are far more
common in the
online
BDSM culture than they are in
real-life.
 
There are many reasons for this, including the inherent difficulty of getting to
know someone in a purely online environment, the added complications related to
role-playing
, and an overabundance of the merely curious and clueless.

Collar of Protection

A collar of protection is similar in many ways to a
collar of consideration, and in fact, there are usually a lot of areas of
overlapping functionality.  Most collars of consideration are
also
collars of protection; however,
not all
collars of protection are
collars of consideration.  The reason for this is simple.  Sometimes,
a Dominant will extend his
protection
to a submissive out of friendship
or charity, even though
neither person
has any intention whatsoever of
establishing a more serious relationship with the other as a consequence. 
The actual nature of the so-called
protection
offered to the submissive
in these circumstances can vary widely from person to person. As a general
rule, it includes offering advice and guidance, approving play partners and
events, and interviewing and/or approving prospective Dominants who may wish to
consider the submissive.  A typical recipient of a collar of protection is
a submissive who is brand new to the lifestyle, or perhaps one who has recently
been
released
by her Dominant.  One of the most useful aspects of a
collar of protection is simply the way it serves notice to other Dominants that
this
submissive is
being looked after
by someone who is
experienced in the lifestyle and has her best interests at heart. 

Training Collar

A training collar is, for
many
submissives,
the logical second step that follows a short period of consideration and
decision to move forward into a more serious and committed relationship. 
It serves as recognition that, while a more intense and formal relationship is
desired
by both parties, there is still much to be learned by the submissive before
a formal collar can be offered.  Previously, if the submissive wore a
collar of consideration or a collar of protection, her actions would not
reflect upon the Dominant in any significant way.  Now, however, every
action by a submissive in a training collar reflects
directly
upon the
Dominant, telegraphing to everyone his competence -
or lack thereof
– as
a trainer of submissives.  This can also be a period of great stress and
contention as the Dominant and submissive adjust to their new roles in the
relationship, and learn to reconcile their expectations and preconceptions with
reality.  Even those who have a great deal of experience in D/s and BDSM
relationships will have a  lot of adjusting to do, since no two D/s
relationship dynamics are the same, and each individual has his or her own
quirks, limitations, and unique character traits. 

The training phase is also where a Dominant and his
submissive should work out the details of how they will handle
conflict
,
what the
rules and protocols
that are unique to this relationship will
be, how
discipline
will be applied when and if it becomes necessary, and
what levels of
trust
must be achieved before the relationship can
proceed on to the next level.  Some of the other challenges which usually
must be overcome by a submissive in training include learning how to properly
process
fear, doubt and distrust, rendering proper respect, avoiding
excessive argumentation, and utilizing tact. 

Training collars are rarely assigned specific
term
limits
, since the idea is to accomplish specific
training goals
during this phase.  If those goals haven’t been met, the training
theoretically continues
until they are
.   It is therefore
important to negotiate, from the very start,
exactly
what those goals
should be, and what happens if they aren’t achieved.

Formal Collar

A formal collar may be known by a host of other
names, including slave collar, full collar, or true collar.  If one were
to consider a collar of consideration to be analogous to a vanilla
friendship
ring
, and a training collar comparable to an
engagement ring
, then
the formal collar is the BDSM version of a
wedding ring.
  It is
symbolic of what is usually
intended
to be a lifelong committed and
loving relationship between a Dominant and his submissive.  Formal
collaring ceremonies, similar to weddings, are often performed to commemorate
and consecrate the beginning of the relationship.  Collaring ceremonies
typically include an exchange of vows, spiritual messages, and/or uplifting
music, just as one might expect to see at a vanilla wedding ceremony. 
Some couples go so far as to have both a collaring
and
a wedding
simultaneously, combining the two events into one.  The symbolism of a
formal collar obviously means different things to different couples, but it is
often referred to as the ultimate gift of one’s submission and self to another;
a manifestation of complete and total
power exchange.
  Whatever
form the relationship dynamic takes, it represents the highest level of
commitment, love, respect, trust and devotion possible between two people.

House Collar

A house collar is essentially a
temporary collar
of protection
that is offered to a submissive by a house, clan, family,
organization, dungeon, or club for the express purpose of identifying the sub
as someone who is being looked after by the
group or establishment
, and
should not be aggressively courted without the establishment’s approval. 
House collars are often used as an effective way to offer a measure of security
to unattached women, who are sometimes seen as
vulnerable
in BDSM
environments that typically favor
couples
and/or aggressive Dominants.

Everyday Collar

An
everyday collar
is anything that can be
worn in a vanilla environment to symbolize your D/s relationship.  For many
D/s couples, their everyday collar consists of a simple choker or
traditional-looking necklace, with or without a pendant.  An everyday
collar need not necessarily even be worn around the neck; some people
substitute a ring, bracelet, ankle bracelet, or tattoo.  The important
thing is that, at least in the minds of the D/s couple in question, the item
designated as the
everyday collar
is firmly associated with and symbolic
of their relationship.

I’m often asked whether a collared submissive must
wear a physical collar of some type to symbolize her commitment to her
Dominant.  The answer, of course, is
“it depends.”
  It depends
on her Dominant, and her own personal preferences.  It’s very much like
asking, “Does a married woman have to wear a wedding ring?”  There are a
lot of people who would reply,
“Absolutely!”
  And yet, there are
also those who’ll say just the opposite.  A recent survey conducted by a
wedding industry media group found that 28% of women said they would
turn
down a wedding proposal
if they didn’t like the ring!
 
That
says a lot about the importance  -
to some
– of the actual ring
that symbolizes their union.  There are no statistics available on how
many submissives would turn down a
collaring proposal
if they didn’t
like the
collar.

Let’s reiterate what we said about the symbolism of
a collar at the beginning of this section.  Each
individual collar
will have its own symbolic meaning that is
unique
to the individuals in
the relationship it represents.  There are, however,
general categories
of collars which generally conform to the expectations and assumptions of the
larger D/s and BDSM communities.  If you happen to refer to
your
particular
collar as a
“training collar,”
you should do so with the full
awareness that the terminology you’re using will imply some
very specific
things
to
others
in the lifestyle.  There’s absolutely nothing
wrong with blazing your own path as you explore and grow in the D/s lifestyle,
but it can be
considerably easier
if we’re all at least speaking the
same
language.

In this and previous chapters, we’ve repeatedly
emphasized the need for frank discussion and negotiations between any potential
partners
before
entering into a D/s relationship.  When these
negotiations result in any sort of
agreement
, the terms of the agreement
often end up in written form, and that document is sometimes referred to in the
lifestyle as a
slave contract, D/s contract, or TPE (Total Power Exchange)
contract
.  For the sake of simplicity, we will be using the term
slave
contract
for the remainder of this chapter, but
do
keep in mind the
fact that,
when we do
, we are referring to a
wide variety
of D/s
lifestyle contracts.  You should also be aware that the topic of slave
contracts is one of the most controversial subjects you’re likely to encounter
in the D/s lifestyle.  We’ll discuss the reasons for the controversy
shortly.  The predictable result of the controversy is a confusing
hodge-podge of opinions – some authoritative,
others not so much
- on
the utility and value of slave contracts. 

Before we wade too deeply into the various types of
slave contracts that you are likely to encounter in the lifestyle, we should
first clarify a few things about
contracts in general.
  There are a
lot of misconceptions about contracts and
contract law
will certainly
complicate any attempt to apply those concepts to the arcane realm of
slave
contracts.
 Let’s begin by discussing some of the legal requirements
that must be met for
any
contract to be valid and enforceable. 
They are:

·
        
Competency. 
Both parties must be
legally competent
to enter into a contract. 
That means they must be over the age of 18, may not be mentally incompetent,
and they cannot be intoxicated or impaired.  

·
        
Mutual
Agreement.  Both parties must agree to
all
terms of the contract.
If either party disagrees with
any
portion of the agreement without the
mutual disagreement of the other party, the
entire contract
is void.

·
        
A Legal
Objective.  A contract may not require the performance of an illegal act,
nor have as its objective, an illegal act.  Additionally, a person cannot
enter into any contract concerning a right that they do not have.

·
        
Consideration. 
Consideration is a legal term which refers to
something of value
that is
exchanged as a condition of the contract.  In most cases, the
consideration involves
money
or merchandise.  Love, affection,
loyalty, and gifts do not legally qualify as consideration.

·
        
Mutuality of Obligation. 
A valid contract mutually obligates both parties to
something. 
If
there is an absolute right to cancel by any of the parties, the contract is
unenforceable and not legally binding.

·
        
In Writing. 
Verbal
contracts are legal and binding, but they are
virtually
unenforceable
.

You don’t have to be a practicing attorney to notice
a few things that immediately leap off the page at you, particularly if you’re
reading it in the context of
slave contracts
.   First, anyone
under the age of 18 is not legally competent to enter into a contract of any
kind, and yes, this includes people who
pretend to be older
in internet
chat rooms.  Second, all contracts must have a legal objective.  In
1865, the 13
^th
Amendment to the U.S. Constitution made slavery
illegal in the United States.  That makes any
slavery contract
, by
definition, a contract that is not legally binding.  Many slavery
contracts also have provisions requiring the slave to be available to the
Dominant for sex.  Since the Dominant has exchanged something of value
(the collar) as
consideration
, the contract
could
actually be
considered a contract for
prostitution
by many states.  Finally,
many slave contracts contain clauses that essentially grant the right to either
party to walk away from the agreement unilaterally, without penalties of any
kind, which makes it a contract that is not legally enforceable. 

The bottom line?  Slave contracts are neither
legal nor enforceable in any court of law in the United States.  Now, you
may well ask, isn’t
marriage
a contract that often defies many, if not
all, of those legal requirements?  After all, people under the age of 18
marry
all the time
and, in most states, sex is a
requirement
for
the consummation of the marriage.  Additionally, most marriages don’t have
a
written contract
spelling out all of the rights and obligations of the
partners, and if you ask around, you’ll probably find no shortage of people who
are willing to equate marriage with slavery.  So, why are
slave
contracts
illegal, while marriage contracts are not?  Here’s
why:  A
slave contract
is a contract solely between
two people
;
a
marriage contract
is a contract between a couple
and the
government.
 

This subtle difference is, frankly, the same issue
that is at the heart of the gay marriage debate currently raging in the
American political arena.  Nothing stops same-sex couples from entering
into contracts that grant each partner the same legal rights and privileges
that heterosexual partners are legally able to
grant one another
. 
In fact, a contract such as a
general power of attorney
grants more
rights
and privileges than any marriage does, such as the right to sign your partner’s
name to a contract, or to access his or her private bank accounts!  The issue
at the heart of same-sex marriage is
government recognition and
participation
in same-sex marriages, and the couple’s entitlement to the
legal rights and privileges
that governments grant
as a condition of
that contract.  Some activists ask,
why does the government recognize
and reward some types of marriages, and not others?
  What are the
legal or ethical arguments against
slave marriages
,
plural marriages
,
arranged marriages
,
corporate marriages
,
child marriages
,
or even
inter-species marriages? 
And no, simply posing the
question
should
not
be interpreted as advocacy for any of those notions, some
of which are admittedly somewhat extreme.  But perhaps it
would be
appropriate to ask,
why is the government involved in the business of
marriage at all? 

Slave contracts are fairly common in the D/s
lifestyle, though you are far more likely to encounter them in the
online
BDSM culture than you will in real-life.  The reality that slave contracts
are neither legal nor enforceable makes little difference in an online
environment where Masters often don’t even know their slave’s real
name,
age, or gender
.  The
real
problem with most slave contracts
isn’t
the fact that they’re not legal; it’s mostly related to the fact that even if
they
were
legal, they’d
still be unenforceable.
 

Take, for example, the following verbiage which has
been taken directly from a slave contract that is commonly used:

“The parties shall conduct
themselves in light of their goals at all times. The goals of the parties are
detailed in Section 2(b) of this contract.”

There’s a glaring problem with this sort of fuzzy
language; it has no real legal definition.  What, exactly, does it mean to
conduct one’s self
“in light”
of something?  How do you measure
it?  At what point does one’s behavior pass from being in light of a goal
to
not
being in light of a goal? 

“The parties shall treat each
other with mutual respect and honesty at all times.”

That seems pretty straightforward.  You’re
probably thinking, what could possibly be wrong with
that?
  Well,
for one thing, contracts are designed to spell out the
individual
responsibilities
of each party. That way, when
one
person fails to
meet his or her obligation, that person is in breach of the contract.  If
a contract specifies
mutual
obligations, as this one does, there is no
way
one
person can be held responsible for a mutual obligation. 
The other major flaw in a line like this one is there is no definition of what
constitutes
respect
.  A Dominant may believe that
respect
demands that his submissive drop to her knees and genuflect whenever he enters
a room;
her
idea of respect may differ somewhat from that. 

“The parties shall never abuse each other, violate the
trust of the other, play mind games or engage in emotional manipulation with
one another, other than as part of play between the parties.”

Aside from the fact that there are no definitions
for the terms
abuse
,
trust
,
mind games
, or
emotional
manipulation
, the most conspicuous flaw in this contract verbiage is the
“other
than as part of play”
clause.  What this means, essentially, is that
you’re allowed to do anything listed previously, as long as you later claim
you
were only playing.

“Since the body of the slave
now belongs to the Master, it is the Master's responsibility to protect that
body from permanent bodily harm. Should the slave ever come to permanent bodily
harm during the course of punishment or in any other slavery related activity,
whether by intention or accident, it will be grounds for immediate termination
of this contract, should the slave so desire. Permanent bodily harm shall be
determined as: death, any damage that involves loss of mobility or function
(such as broken bones), any permanent marks on the skin (such as scars, burns,
or tattoos, unless accepted by the slave), any loss of hair, (unless accepted
by the slave), any piercing of the flesh which leaves a permanent hole (unless
accepted by the slave), any diseases (including sexually transmitted diseases).

At least, in
this
instance, the contract
writer made a half-hearted –
though highly incompetent
- attempt to
define the terms being used.  One of his definitions of
“permanent
bodily harm”
is “
death
.”  Would
you
be comforted to know
that in the event that your Master
intentionally or accidentally causes your
death,
that you have grounds for the “immediate termination of the
contract?”
 Somehow,
I doubt it.

“The slave may not seek any other Master or lover, nor
relate to others in a sexual or submissive way without the Master's
permission.  To do so will be considered a breach of contract, and will
result in extreme punishment.  The Master may accept other slaves or
lovers, but must consider the slave's emotional response to such actions and
act accordingly.  Under no circumstance will the Master allow such actions
to unbalance the slave emotionally, nor allow such actions to result in
ignoring the slave.”

Not only are we left to hypothesize on the true
meaning of
“relate to others in a sexual or submissive way,”
but we’re also
left scratching our heads over what it means to
“consider the slave’s
emotional response.”
  The Dominant would obviously be free to say, “I
have
considered it, and am
dismissing
it as unimportant.”  Just to make
thing fair, however, the
submissive
has a nifty little legal loophole of
her
own.
 No matter
what
the Master does, the submissive can
always claim that his actions have
emotionally unbalanced
her, since
there is no definition of
what that means.
  Aren’t slave contracts
fun?

So, let’s recap.  Slave contracts
aren’t
legal
, and even if they
were
, they would be largely
unenforceable
due to fuzzy language and the general impossibility of defining such things as
love,
respect, abuse, manipulation, mind games, or emotions.
  Even so, slave
contracts have always been around, and
always will be
.  Get used to
seeing them, and discussing them, and try not to laugh out loud
when you do
.

The following are a few of the different kinds of
slave contracts you may find being used:

Master/slave Contract

The Master and his slave enter into an agreement
which requires the slave to relinquish all personal rights, property, finances
and decision making powers to the Master.  Typically, the slave is
required to consider her “mind, body, and soul” to be the Master’s property,
practice full disclosure of her thoughts and actions at all times, and give up
the right to say “no” to any of the Master’s directives. 

Dominant/submissive Contract

The terms of a Dominant/submissive contract are
typically less stringent than those of the Master/slave contract.  A
Dominant/submissive contract gives the submissive the ability to choose which
particular aspects of their lives she’ll turn over to her Dominant to
control.  It also often defines which parts of the relationship are real versus
the parts that are role-played, and may set limits on what is, or is not,
acceptable behavior for either partner.  Though many submissives consider
themselves
“owned”
by their Dominants, the reality is, they are
submissive
partners
, not
property
.