Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (43 page)

Since this book is ostensibly about D/s and BDSM
relationships, we’ll focus now on how polyamorous relationships work
(or
don’t)
in the context of the lifestyle.  Not only is the poly dynamic
more
common
in the D/s lifestyle, but it generally tends to be more
useful
there, as well.  Consider these potential advantages, while staying
mindful of the fact that being poly in a D/s context typically means a
relationship consisting of a single Dominant and two or more submissives.

Empathy
. 
Everyone
, in or out of this lifestyle, needs a little
empathy
from time to time, but for a submissive, this need is usually far more
intense
. 
Yet, when it comes to a D/s relationship, where does a submissive go to find
someone who truly understands her situation, and how she feels about it? 
You’re not very likely to approach a vanilla co-worker to discuss, over lunch,
your relationship with your
Master.
  Even if you were to couch
everything in purely
vanilla
terms, there would be one crucial part of
the equation missing, and that would be the
D/s relationship dynamic
.  
Any understanding that your vanilla friend would think she had about your
situation would be
seriously flawed
, and any advice she gave you would
likely be tragically misguided.  And while it would certainly be helpful
to know and depend upon friends who understand the lifestyle and are also
submissives
,
no one knows you, your situation, and/or your Master
the way your sister (or
brother) submissive does
.  The empathy and understanding that can
exist between
co-wives
or
co-husbands
in a poly relationship is
unparalleled anywhere else in our culture. 

Attention
. 
It’s often easy to assume that being part of a poly relationship means having
to
share
someone you love with another, and therefore being resigned to
getting less of that person’s
focused
attention.  However, another
way of looking at it might be to see the glass as
half full
instead of
half
empty
, by realizing that you could also end up on the receiving end of a
lot of attention from the
multiple partners
in your relationship, and
that group activities have a way of developing their own brand of energy and
excitement, if you’ll let them.

Complexity
.
This can be a double-edged sword which cuts both ways, but the very same
complexity
that makes the poly dynamic difficult in the early stages of a relationship can
later work in your favor to help keep the relationship from going stale over
time.  Generally speaking, the sort of person who is willing to swim
against the tide of society’s expectations and chooses to live an alternative
lifestyle is more likely to be attracted to complex relationships than to avoid
them.  One of the greatest long-term challenges that confronts any
relationship  - simple or complex, monogamous or poly – is going to be
staying
interested
.

Synergy
. 
Synergy is a word that is used frequently in the business world, but less so in
discussions about 
relationships
.  Yet, it is through
relationships
that the true meaning of the word can be demonstrated best. 
Synergy
is
defined as a process by which we may produce a
whole
that is greater
than the sum of its individual parts.  In essence, it is how we make
one
plus one equal three
.  This may seem counter-intuitive to us, until we
are reminded that couples do this
all the time
.  We call it
making
babies
.  But synergy in relationships isn’t just about procreation,
nor should it be.  Synergy
should
be all about accomplishing
whatever goals you’ve set for yourselves - whether they are health goals,
financial goals, educational goals, or any other dream you may have - and
utilizing the full range of the talents, skills, knowledge and
synergy
of the group to
make it happen
.

Teamwork
. 
While it may be closely related to synergy, the teamwork that occurs in a poly
relationship has a nuance all its own, and can be an incredible asset and
advantage to everyone involved.  Problem solving becomes a process that
draws on the unique individual strengths and qualities of each
individual.  Pooled resources, such as property, income, transportation or
even
time
can be put to use where it does the most good.  Tag-team
child care can reduce or even eliminate the need to give up a significant
portion of one’s income to pay for child care while on the job.  Three or
more
incomes
can go a long way towards improving the quality of life for
everyone in a poly household.  Even where separate households are
maintained, there will usually be ways that teamwork can make some things
easier, cheaper, or more efficient for everyone involved. 

Attractive as some of the advantages may be,
polyamorous relationships have their own unique pitfalls and difficulties, not
the least of which is the existence of an intense and almost
rabid
anti-poly
societal bias.  Anyone choosing to become part of a poly relationship must
typically be willing to do one of two things: conceal the true nature of your
relationship from the great majority of your family, friends, neighbors and
co-workers, or
reveal it to all
, and be consigned to endure a lifetime
of contention over it.  Neither option is particularly appealing to the
average person, but then again, no one ever promised you that polyamory was
going to be
easy. 
Here are a few more of the potential pitfalls
associated with polyamorous relationships:

Jealousy
. 
It will likely come as no surprise to anyone that
jealousy
is at the top
of the list when it comes to potential pitfalls of a polyamorous
relationship.  Many people erroneously assume that
being poly
means
being
free of jealousy
.  Jealousy is, and always will be, a
perfectly
normal
human emotion that is fed by fear, rivalry, poor
self-esteem, insecurity and envy.  It isn’t the
emotion
of jealousy
that can become problematic in a relationship; it is the way in which that
jealousy is
expressed. 
A simple parallel, to illustrate this
notion, might be to compare it to
anger.
  It would be completely
unreasonable
to expect that your mates
will never get angry
, but it is
entirely
reasonable
to expect that they will never come after you with a butcher knife
when they
do.
  Yet some studies
(White & Mullen 1989, Pines 1992)
estimate that 20-35% of all
murders
are motivated by jealousy! 
Anyone who is considering entering into a poly relationship should do so with
the expectation that jealousy
will
occur, and will need to be skillfully
managed
by everyone involved. 

So, how does one manage jealousy in a poly
relationship?  The techniques are essentially the same as those used while
managing jealousy in
any
relationship, though your approach may change,
depending on whether it is you or your partner(s) who are the jealous
parties. 

If you are the one who is jealous:

·
        
Learn to identify the emotions you’re
feeling, and the triggers that prompt them.  Sometimes, keeping a journal
can help you, in this regard.

·
        
Unlearn the notion that every time
you feel a strong emotion, that you are required to
do something about it
. 
Decisions made in the heat of high emotion will almost always turn out to be
bad
decisions
.

·
        
Work on improving your communication skills. 
One way to do that is to use precise language to avoid coming across as being
judgmental or blaming.   Instead of saying,
“You ignored me,”
try saying,
“I felt left out.”
  Discussing your
feelings
,
instead of another person’s
actions
works far better, because no one can
ever deny
how you felt
, yet they could
(and probably will)
argue
the issue of what they
did or didn’t do
.  Avoid
any
language
that leads to guilt trips, blaming, martyrdom, tantrums or threats of violence
or self-destructive behavior.

·
        
Seek reassurance from your partner(s)
on their feelings about you and/or the relationship, their willingness to work
with you to resolve the issues, and their understanding of what is actually
happening.

·
        
Avoid viewing your jealousy as a
problem that can only be solved by a change in someone else’s behavior. 
Yes, it
is
a problem that can be solved, but only by making changes in
your
own
thinking and behavior.

·
        
Learn to love yourself, despite all
of your flaws and insecurities.  Acknowledge that you are loved, and that
you have unique gifts, talents and qualities that
no one else has,
and
that you have value.  This is, and forever will be, true regardless of
whether or not your current relationship endures.

·
        
Recognize that your emotional state
and any resulting drama also affect
everyone else in the relationship
,
and the effect is almost never a good one.  This can cause a ripple-effect
of unintended consequences, which may become
self-fulfilling prophecies
.

·
        
Consider
desensitizing
yourself to your jealousy triggers by deliberately exposing yourself to them in
small, manageable doses with the help of your partner(s).  Evaluate how
you react to and handle each instance, and look for ways you can improve.

·
        
Be patient, forgiving, creative and
strong in your efforts to overcome the negative effects that jealousy can have
on your relationship.  Ask yourself, at each step of the way, am I making
things
better or worse?
 

If your
partner
is the one who is
jealous:

·
        
Don’t introduce new partners into a
relationship that isn’t already built on a firm foundation.  Polyamory can
sometimes make a
good
relationship
better
, but it will almost
always be a
deathblow
to a fragile or dysfunctional relationship.

·
        
Avoid dismissing your partner’s
feelings as
irrational.
  Jealousy, almost by
definition
, is
irrational – as is emotion in general.  Try to acknowledge and validate
your partners
feelings
, even if you don’t necessarily agree with how
they are expressed or the decisions that are made as a result of those
feelings.

·
        
Improve your communication skills,
and take a hard look at what you may be doing to make matters worse.  This
may include things like
pushing your partner’s hot buttons
, resorting to
low blows
in arguments, unnecessarily stoking your partner’s feelings of
insecurity, making comparisons, encouraging competitive attitudes and
behaviors, and being inconsistent in your standards and priorities. 

·
        
Be willing to ask yourself whether
you may actually be in the habit of seeking out jealous partners because it
strokes your ego or keeps things exciting.

·
        
Keep your cool, and refuse to
reciprocate with verbal abuse or emotional outbursts just because your partner
does.  Refuse to engage in discussions that involve threats of violence or
suicide gestures of any kind.  Learn to walk away from discussions or
arguments that threaten to spiral out of control.  You can always pick up
where you left off once you’ve both cooled off.

·
        
If the discussion involves three or
more partners, try to avoid any tendency to
gang up
on one
individual.  That person will typically feel ambushed and overwhelmed,
even if you are taking great pains to be scrupulously fair.

·
        
Affirm your feelings and commitment
to your partners, and reassure them in ways that tell them that they are
appreciated for their unique qualities, and are valued. 

·
        
Be trustworthy, consistent and
disciplined.  If you agree to something, keep your word.

Focus
.  Another
potential disadvantage of poly relationships is the issue of
focus,
which
generally falls into two categories:
time
and
attention
.  It
is always a difficult balancing act to know when to focus these resources upon
one
partner like a laser beam, and when to broaden your focus to include more than
one mate and/or others, such as children or friends.  One-on-one
quality
time
, which is typically comprised of
highly focused attention on one
individual,
can often compensate for far larger
quantities
of
unfocused
time and attention.  One-on-one quality time usually includes, but
shouldn’t necessarily be limited to, sex and intimacy.  It can just as
easily consist of
any
activity that is unique and special to the
individual who is the focus of your attention.  The key to overcoming this
challenge in a poly relationship is to regularly schedule inviolable one-on-one
quality time with each of your mates, and stick to your schedule.

Expense and Resources.
 
The
cost and viability
of a polyamorous relationship can be another one
of those double-edged swords that we seem to encounter with great frequency in
the poly lifestyle.  On one hand, a poly relationship can
sometimes
mean multiple incomes flowing into a single household, which
may
equate
to a higher standard of living and increased cash flow for everyone
involved.  On the other hand, it could also consist of a relationship
where all of the partners
aren’t able to work
and contribute a portion
of their income.  That could, for example, mean trying to support
three
people with the same income that previously supported
just two –
which
rarely works out very well.  While there isn’t a cookie-cutter solution to
these kinds of challenges, it is almost always a good idea to sit down with any
potential poly partners to have a frank discussion about personal finances and
perhaps even a proposed budget.

Personal Space
. 
Contrary to popular belief,
personal space
can become an issue even in
poly relationships where each partner lives in his or her
own home
. 
Allowing another person to muck about in your kitchen or sock drawer can
definitely be a little unsettling for some.  Multiply that by two or more
people doing it, and it can be more than just unsettling, it can cause some
people to become absolutely
unhinged
.  Add two cups of living under
the same roof and a dash of the common misconception that poly living somehow
equates to
communal property
, and
voila!
– you now have a recipe
for
epic relationship failure.
  If you are considering entering
into a poly relationship where your partners will be living in the same
household, be sure to hammer out the details of what is or isn’t considered
your personal space that is off-limits to the other members of the household
before
you move in.

Scorekeeping
. 
One of the most enduring myths concerning polyamorous relationships is the
notion that everyone should be treated
equally
.  It’s even more
curious that many of the people who perpetuate that myth just happen to be the
very same people who want to be appreciated and recognized for their own unique
qualities and contributions to the relationship.  How does one recognize
an individual’s unique qualities, yet still treat everyone exactly the
same?  Any parent with more than one child knows that
equity
is
always an issue that must be dealt with, when it comes to sibling
rivalry.  The solution typically involves treating everyone
fairly
and
equitably
, even if they are not treated exactly the
same
. 
Unfortunately, the
adults
in a polyamorous relationship can sometimes
behave like children, by engaging in
scorekeeping
.  Scorekeeping
occurs when you feel
cheated
because another person in the relationship
appears
to be getting more time, sex, gifts, or attention than
you
are. 
Keeping a tally of the days, hours or even
minutes
one partner spends
with another, compulsively tracking expenditures, and attempting to quantify
enjoyment are all manifestations of scorekeeping.  Imagine a partner who
claims, “Yes, I know you spent
all day
with me, and only an
hour
with her, but I still got cheated
because you enjoyed your time with her
more.
”  Obviously, there can be no effective rational response to an
irrational anxiety.  Author Erica Jong probably said it best when she
wrote, “Jealousy is all the fun
you think they had
.”  

Odd-One-Out Syndrome
. 
We live in a predominantly monogamous society and, as a result, our environment
tends to be structured in ways that support that paradigm.  Think about
it.  Our cars have one
driver’s
seat, one
passenger
seat,
and a
back seat
.  Free-standing restaurant tables are set up for
two,
four, or more chairs
.  Booths typically allow two people to sit
side-by-side, while the third must sit across the table.  You can buy a
double
bed, but not a
triple
bed; larger sizes are called
queen
and
king-sized
,
as if only royalty are allowed to have poly sleeping arrangements.