Don't Fear the Reaper (22 page)

Banning thought it’d be best for us to spend time outside in the sun first. “Both of you have far too much emotional energy,” he warned us.

In other words, we needed to calm down before we went home.

It was Tuesday afternoon. We didn’t have a lot of time. It’d be hard to part with Jordan, but I had to make sure she went safely to heaven. I didn’t want her to wait until the committee handed down my verdict before my funeral on Friday. If Banning lost, I didn’t want Jordan doing anything foolish. This time I was determined to make sure that she was okay. No matter what happened to me, as long as Jordan was safe, I’d get by. Until then, I wouldn’t let her out of my sight, out of my reach. It felt too good to have her near me again.

Jordan and I sat on the edge of a large, flat rock watching the geese swim in unspoken harmony. Unlike humans, the geese saw us—they swam closer looking for food. When they realized we had none, they turned serenely and paddled away, leaving small peaceful v-shaped wakes behind them.

“Think they know we’re dead?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Jordan replied. “But animals don’t look at death the way we do.”

I envied the geese. I concentrated on trying to pick up a pebble to skip across the water, but my fingers simply brushed across its surface as though it were glued to the ground.

Jordan let out a cynical laugh. “Who knew being dead sucked this bad, huh? Too many people nearby. They zap our energy and we zap theirs. You want to be near people, but you’re useless when you are.”

“Remember Dad teaching us to skip stones?” I asked.

A faint smile played on Jordan’s lips. “He used to buy us donuts and juice and we’d come out here and watch the mist float across the lake.”

We stared out across the water. It was too late in the day for the lazy, soft mist and the gray water gently lapping against the shore. Instead, the lake seemed hard and nearly flat, the sun glinting from the surface as if the water was a fathomless mirror.

“And now we’re
here
,” Jordan said.

I nodded, slightly. “Purgatory takes the joy out of everything, doesn’t it?”

Jordan shrugged. “Doesn’t suck nearly as much as it could. I found you.”

I couldn’t recall an autumn day being this sunny, and yet cool, as if the winds really were the winds of change. I sat as close to Jordan as possible, both of us as quiet as the breeze that barely rustled the leaves hanging over the water. We were together again, but everything else seemed different. The closeness we shared felt the same, so we shared the silence.

We sat that way for a while until Banning joined us. Daniel was walking along one of the trails surrounding the lake, his hands buried deep in his pockets and his head down. I’d expected him to be happier for me, but he’d been rather quiet since we found Jordan.

“What’s up?” I asked Banning as he took a seat on the bank next to me.

I knew exactly what was up. Banning needed to talk about why Jordan hadn’t crossed over. Like me, he wanted to encourage her to move on in case things went south—literally. I didn’t want to imagine losing her again so soon, but Friday would be more than the day my body found itself on the underside of earth, serenaded by a songbird or two in a tree above me. Friday could be my first day in hell.

“What happens now?” Jordan said, arms folded across her lap as she stared at the geese.

“About Friday,” Banning said uneasily. “It might not be a good idea to go to the funeral. For Jordan, that is.”

Without looking his direction, Jordan replied, “I
want
to go. Keely went to my funeral. I’m going to hers.”

I recalled how alone I’d felt at Jordan’s funeral. How Aunt Jen and the minister had needed to gently pry me from my sister’s casket before she was lowered into the ground.

“I’ll take care of your sister, Jordan. I promise.” Banning watched her, hoping she’d look his way. She didn’t.

“
I’ll
take care of her,” Jordan replied, her tone steady.

I shook my head. “You’ve always taken care of me, Jordan. You’ve always been there to make things right.” My voice caught, but I pressed on. “It’s all I wanted after you died. I just wanted to know you were okay.”

Jordan’s lip trembled, but I knew she wouldn’t cry. I’d never seen her as sullen, as withdrawn in her thoughts as she was right then.

“Please,” I asked. “For me.”

Jordan stared at the geese some more, although she seemed to be looking through them instead of at them. “Hypothetically, if I did go—promise you’ll be right behind me?” she asked.

I swallowed. “Yeah, I promise,” I lied, although It wasn’t a
complete
lie. My intentions were good. If Banning’s plan worked, then I hoped I’d be right behind her. But we both knew I couldn’t promise.

I drew her to me. “It’s okay, Jordan. Somehow, we’ll find a way to see each other. Right, Banning?” My voice quivered and I wanted Banning to lie, too. I wanted him to tell us that we’d see each other a lot. Maybe all the time. For once, I didn’t want the truth. I clung to Jordan even tighter. I
hated
Pete. Hated him more than I’d ever hated anyone or anything. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to kill him all by myself, as if killing him could undo everything—Jordan’s death.
My
death.

Everything except what would happen to Banning if he lost the deal.

It was unfair that I couldn’t touch Pete. Unfair that if I did, someone else would pay the price. But killing him was as much a fantasy as taking my sister by the hand and walking through heaven’s gates together. If heaven even had gates.

I looked at Jordan’s eyes, identical to mine. “You’ll make a really good angel, Sis.”

She lowered her head. “I’m not what you think.”

Frustrated, she tried to pick up a pebble to throw, but was unsuccessful. “You committed suicide because you blamed yourself for my death. But you’re
here
,
you’re
dead because of
me
. I was there, Keely.”

“What? No, Jordan, you’ve got it all wrong,” I said.

I tried to comfort her, but she pushed me away. “No secrets, Keely. Remember? No secrets! I’ve been with you so many times since my death. I couldn’t stay away, even when everyone warned me what might happen. I was selfish and unable to see past what had happened to me. All I wanted was to be near you. I was there the night you died.”

Drawing Jordan closer and hugging her tightly, I gave Banning a wary glance.

He nodded solemnly. “It’s true. Jordan was with you almost non-stop after she died. But she wasn’t the
only
one.” His eyes searched mine. “Love really did kill you, Keely.”

Confused, I frowned.

Jordan pushed away from me. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was scared. I didn’t want to be dead.” She closed her eyes, and the anguish on her face told me her heart couldn’t bear to keep this in any longer.

“When I died, when I was…
free
, I came straight home. None of you knew what had happened yet. When you held on to the hope I’d turn up alive, it tore me apart. I listened to your prayers, heard you pleading with God.”

She’d been right there the whole time and I never knew it.

Jordan took a steadying breath. “When you found out what happened to me, when I saw how it was tearing all of you apart, I thought I’d go insane with grief. I believed if I tried hard enough, you’d know I was right there with you. And then, you were so depressed that I really started to worry. How could I leave you then? I watched over your shoulder while you researched suicide. I couldn’t tell you not to do it, so I tried to interfere with the computer. But it didn’t work. Despite what Gram and the reaper who’d come for me said, despite how much they warned me about the danger of being near you, I couldn’t leave. I went to school with you. I followed you almost everywhere. Every night, I sat in your room as you cried yourself to sleep.”

I fought back the tears that stung my eyes. If I came apart now, Jordan wouldn’t finish. I understood what it was like for her—I’d tried so hard to tell Mom and Dad that I’d never left them. I’d even worried that Jordan was angry with me for not stopping her from going with Pete that night.

“I should have listened to Gram,” she continued. “But, I convinced myself the rules were completely fictional, that they didn’t apply to you and me.”

Jordan’s eyes met mine. “Even when you became more and more depressed, I told myself I had nothing to do with it, that you were just missing me as much as I missed you. I’m so sorry, Keely. I’m so sorry. I was so scared, so alone, that I refused to believe I might be hurting you by following you around all the time.”

I thought about Dad cutting himself, about how much it had hurt to leave him and Mom in order to keep them safe. But, with Dad, it was just a cut. Jordan couldn’t have caused me to kill myself. Maybe I’d fail a test at school, or spill coffee on a favorite shirt. Get a flat tire, even. But nothing more than that.

“You’d never hurt me,” I assured her. “Not ever.” I didn’t understand why
she
felt responsible for my death.

She glanced at Banning. “Sorry I ran from you guys. I couldn’t take the chance you’d, you know…”

Banning nodded.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I insisted.

Jordan took another deep breath. “I wasn’t the only one there with you, Keely.”

“What are you talking about,” I asked, although I thought I knew what was coming.

“It was Rick Cooper, Keely,” she said, confirming my worst fears. “The guy Dad helped put away. He showed up at the house one day. Reapers were looking for him, and I thought they’d come for me, too. Cooper said they would. He said the reapers wouldn’t believe me that I hadn’t contacted him to seek out revenge on Pete. My story against his. I didn’t contact him, Keely. Please, believe me. He meant what he told Dad—that he’d see us in hell.”

It felt like the wind had been suddenly squeezed out of me. It had been Cooper who had affected me? He’d planned revenge against our whole family because Dad helped convict him?

“I believe you,” I said. Rage burned through me. Whatever pain Cooper had gone through when Banning and the other reapers had taken him out wasn’t enough.

“He said he wanted to see if he could do it—could push you over the edge,” Jordan said. “You were so close to committing suicide by then. He didn’t think it’d be too hard.”

I looked at Banning. “
Would
I have considered suicide without him?”

Banning sighed. “Considered it? Yes. You were close regardless.”

“If only I’d been a reaper the other night!” I shouted. “I would have loved to take a swing at him with a scythe!”

Jordan looked at me, frowning. “Keely, you don’t know what you’re saying!”

“Keely—” Banning said in his most calming voice.

“I
do
know what I’m saying!” I interjected. “I would have done it in a heartbeat. And I’d like to do the same to Pete! Why didn’t you tell me the whole truth about Cooper?” I demanded from Banning. I wanted to lash out, storm off, anything.

“After what happened to you, to your sister, I wanted Cooper,” Banning said. “I’ve spent years hunting down earthbounds like him. I’m known for it. I make it my goal to send souls like Pete and Cooper to hell in as many pieces as I possibly can. I can’t undo what happened to your family or save the living, but I can try to right things when possible. It’s the best I can do.”

Banning sighed. “Reapers aren’t supposed to get involved. I’ve done it one time too many, which is why my soul’s on the line with yours. I couldn’t get to Cooper in time. Your family had been through too much already,” he went on. “So, I made the deal. I didn’t think you could handle the news about Cooper—at least, not until after he’d been banished.”

Jordan rested a hand on my arm. “Keely?”

“Okay,” I said, although I was still furious with Pete, with Cooper. I understood why Banning hadn’t told me. I wasn’t happy about it, but I understood his need to protect me.

Jordan glanced between me and Banning.

“I’m okay,” I repeated. “Give me the details. I deserve to know.”

When it was clear I wasn’t going to start yelling again, Jordan continued. “After I died, Cooper followed me everywhere. Physical pain wasn’t what he wanted. No, he thrived off the fear of others. Some sort of messed up power trip. Pretty sick, huh?”

Jordan smiled then, but it wasn’t a true smile. Not by a long shot. It was meant to reassure me. Same old Jordan. Despite having suffered at their hand, revenge didn’t consume her like it did me. I wanted to wipe them off the planet
and
the astral plane.

“He started visiting you. I’d find him sitting in your room, or on the front step, or in the kitchen. He wanted me to find him there. I think he got off on how much it freaked me out. He’d sit there and talk to you—telling you how I died, how you’d be better off dead, too. He’d get right in your face and promise you that we’d be together again if you died. You couldn’t hear him, but that didn’t make any difference. He made me so angry, so afraid. I didn’t want him near you. And the worst? I couldn’t warn you.”

Okay, now that creeped out—that when I was alive, Cooper had been sitting next to me in my room, whispering dark things about how I should kill myself. I shivered and rubbed my arms.

Jordan went on, oblivious to my chill. She was angry now, angry for not being able to change the past. “All the time I was affecting you,
you
were affecting me. I felt so helpless. I couldn’t do a damn thing, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to leave him alone with you. So, I stayed. When he started talking to you, I talked louder than he did. I got between the two of you. He never touched me. He’d laugh and then leave. But he always came back. So I stayed and waited for him.”

Jordan hung her head, the anger giving way to frustration and shame. “As time went on, I grew more and more angry, building up negative energy. I didn’t know what else to do. What if the reapers found me and not him? Cooper said I’d never see you again. Who would protect you from him then?”