Dudes Down Under (5 page)

“
He-heh, yeah. It’s great. It feels weird but I figure no-one except the staff will be asking us for autographs - maybe that sweet little Ginny girl, if she can stay conscious long enough, that is.”

“
They sure are a warm bunch of people. We’ll have to try and get the accents down. If Meryl can do it, we can do it.”

“
Well, I dunno, sweetheart. I don’t think there is an accent on the planet that Meryl can’t do. Aww, hell, it’ll sure be fun, though. Why not?”

“
The sign in the condo said every restaurant is open 24/7. Want to see what they serve for breakfast down under?”

“
Uh-huh. I don’t feel jet-lagged and I sure am hungry. What day is it here?”

“
Let me see. They are about fifteen hours ahead of us and we crossed the date line, so it’s like 4:00 p.m. Saturday in New York, so yeah, it’s 7:00 a.m. Sunday here.” Izzy continued to gaze about her. “The sign said we should wear the hats and those flip flop things, and sunblock. Man, they are not joking about the weather here. We are so lucky to be catching that ocean breeze. The air even smells different. What is that?”

“
That is what non-polluted air smells like, honey, mixed in with all the flowers and salt air. Can you taste any gas fumes?”

“
Ummm, no. Is that what it is, just fresh clean air? Oh God, baby, that is so sad. I can’t believe I can actually taste the difference.”

“
Maybe it’s time we started to do a serious rethink about where we want to spend our time. Can you imagine the kids in this environment?”

“
Not without the iPods, cell-phones and PCs; not to mention DVD players and games consoles. We didn’t need all that crap growing up. This would be so much better for them, maybe help them learn some different values.”

“
See, that’s why I love you, Izzy. You are such a worrier, and beautiful. Plus, of course, you make great burgers.” He gently swatted the delectable butt. “Let’s wait and see how things play out. Give it a week and we’ll talk about it some more, okay? Meantime, which restaurant for breakfast, wife?”

“
Somewhere, um, somewhere that serves pancakes and maple syrup outside. Do you think? Yeah, I’ll bet they have.”

*  *  *

Other condos were coming to life, several guests nursing payment for the heavy drinking of the night before.

Lana Peters checked in the vanity cabinet. Man, this place had thought of everything. There was a note attached to a little zip bag that read, ‘Hangover cure, drink this.’

She laughed out loud with delight. “Shit, I feel like Alice in Wonderland - eat this, drink me - whoo-hoo! I also feel about nine years old, and I’m talking to my damn self.” She giggled and then held her head. Damn, Alice could wait. The hangover cure could not.

*  *  *

Skeet had been up and about for hours. He liked to start the day with the sunrise. Cyril was as grumpy as you would expect a crocodile to be with a major hangover. Skeet would have to make it a point to ask the guests only to give him beer. The spirits always gave him a case of the ‘you-know-I’m-a-predator-so-watch-your-damn-ass-'cause-I’m-grumpy’s.

“
Eat ya breakfast and stop ya bitchin’, Cyril. I told ya to stay away from that bloody Jack Daniels stuff. Didn’t I tell ya? But oh no, you always know better, can’t tell ya a bloody thing!”

Cyril granted him a large belch and a disgustingly noisy fart. The problem with Skeet was his nagging … but Skeet was Skeet, and he was his family, so it was all good - for now.

“
I’m probably gonna have to get ya a hair of the dog to fix this hangover, Cyril.”

DOG! There is no way known that this crocodile is going to eat the dog. Um, what is a dog? Why does it have hair? Will I like it? Personally, I think a JD would make me feel much better.

*  *  *

Lucy breezed into the reception area wearing a stunning sunshine-yellow backless sun dress. It set her gold tan off to perfection. Today she had plaited her long hair and it hung down her bared back. A beautiful pair of the new season's Prada completed her outfit. She looked far more like a supermodel than the hard working owner of a luxury resort.

If anyone had thought to mention this to Lucy, she wouldn’t have believed them. She had never thought of herself that way. Daddy had raised her to think business first, last and always.

“
Any sign of Bluey, Ginny?”

“
Huh? Oh … Bluey ... um,I don’t remember seeing him, Lucy.”
 
Ginny had the grace to turn bright red. She had forgotten to check on Bluey, or to tell Skeet that Lucy wanted to see him.

“
Ginny, you need to get a grip on where you are and what you are doing. I don’t want to have to take you off reception, but you know I will, okay? You have got to be on your toes, sweetie. No more warnings, okay?”

“
Lucy, I’m so sorry. I won’t let ya down again, I promise.”

“
All right then. Are all the guests in the Grand Ballroom yet?”

“
Yeees, all except …” she checked her list, “… all except Ms. Andrews and Ms. Dayton. Oh, and Mr. Rodriguez. I didn’t see Ms. Andrews or Mr. Rodriguez arrive. Are they movie stars as well, Luce? And Ms. Andrews wants to change rooms. Guess who she wants to move next door to. Go on, guess!”

“
Mr. and Mrs. Jones?”

“
Yep, you got it. Shit, Luce, I don’t think that would be a real comfortable situation, do you?”

“
Very astute of you, Ginny. I’m certain that they would both be more comfortable if Mr. Jones’ ex-wife were not next door. What did you tell Ms. Andrews?”

“
Oh, I handled that one, Luce. I told her there were no bungalows available on either side. That was easy.”

“
That was exactly the way I allocated them, Ginny.
 
No changes whatsoever without my approval, okay?”

“
Geez, you really are smart, aren’t you, Luce? Hey, Luce, what does astute mean?”

“
It means that you did the right thing and I am proud of you.”

“
Thanks, Luce … Oh, my God! It’s Antoni … um ... Mr. Emilio Rodriguez, and Ms. Dayton.”

“
Don’t you dare faint, Ginny … Ginny?”

“
No, I’m good, I’m good. Oh, I hope she doesn’t ask for the room next to her ex-husband too. Geez, what are they doin’? Having happy little threesomes or somethin’?”

Lucy spluttered and coughed and raised her eyebrows at Ginny, which sent the youngster into gales of laughter. “Ginny, I swear if you weren’t so damn lovable, I’d fire your arse.” Lucy left it at that and followed in behind the two gorgeous behinds in front. She was having a real eye feast session this morning.

Everyone appeared to be seated comfortably. Skeet came in looking sexy as hell in fresh jeans and an open-necked white shirt. The other key staffers were all present. Skeet looked around the room and noted the absence of one obnoxious croc-hunter. “Lucy,” he whispered, “ya want me to go get him, love?”

“
No need, Skeet. I gave him the bullet. We have got to get a replacement and maybe another back up P.T.Q.”

“
Good girl, I’m so proud of ya. Do ya want me to take care of the new blokes for ya?”

“
I’m counting on it, Skeet.”

Skeet’s smile would have lit the nearest city. He walked on over to the huge screen and readied the movie for screening.

Lucy nodded at the waiters. Trays of chilled Dom Pérignon, O.J., a crisp Chablis, plus jugs of ice-cold beer were lavishly placed on the small tables next to each pair of guests, together with a marvelous assortment of cheeses, pâté and fruit.

Lucy walked to the microphone and began. “G’day, everybody! I hope you all slept well. I will open the Orientation session to all questions after the presentation of this short film. Please give it your complete attention as some of the facts covered will help ensure your visit is risk-free. After the film, I will introduce you to the staff members appearing in it. They will be able to answer any queries you may have about their respective areas of expertise. I will also distribute our own dictionary of Australian slang, which I’m sure you will find totally unbelievable. Please sit back, have a champers, and enjoy
Dudes Down Under - The Movie
.”

The room darkened and the glorious colors and sounds of the aquamarine waters enveloped everyone. Music played softly, unobtrusively enhancing the stunning canyons and colors of the Great Barrier Reef. The divers in the film swam with sharks and dugongs in different sequences, all the time surrounded by swirling eddies of spectacularly-colored fish.

The scenery changed to the tropical rainforest, again alive with color. Yet now the sounds of forest bird life and the background rush of rapidly running water made its own music.

Numerous scenes flashed by on the large screen until an aerial sweep of the resort took its place. Finally a voice, softly sweet and clear, accompanied the film. It gently guided the guests, who were sitting mesmerized, through the layout of the resort: swimming pools, tennis courts, an eighteen-hole golf course, individual spas and saunas, a fully-equipped gymnasium. Golden sand stretched around the stunning lagoon. Numerous water vessels sat waiting to be used - including sail craft and jet skis - plus para-gliders to be towed behind high-powered ski boats. This sequence finished with a scene showing crocodiles lying stretched out in the sun on the banks of a river and along the curve of a sandy beach.

The scene changed again, and many of the D.D.U. staff were introducing themselves and their areas of expertise on the screen.

Then the lights came up. The guests all began talking amongst themselves and laughter bounced around the room.

There was an air of excitement present now. Lucy recognized it for what is was and was relieved that the reaction she had hoped for had arrived right on cue. She walked across to the microphone and waited.

A round of applause was sweet music to her ears and she smiled in gentle acknowledgement. She could not help but notice that Mr. Guest did not join in. In fact, he appeared to be less than happy. She enjoyed his momentary discomfort.

“
We will take questions in just a moment. First up, let me introduce a couple of staff members that we hope will be kept very busy tending to all your requests and requirements over the next four weeks. Skeet, c’mon up here, my friend. Ladies and gents, many of you have already had the pleasure of meeting our Skeet. Anyone who wants to know anything about crocodiles, their behavior, and the dangers associated with them, Skeet is your man. Skeet, the floor is yours.”

“
Aw hell, Lucy, just the floor? You wouldn’t like to chuck in a couple of walls and a window or two, hey, mate?”

Lucy giggled and stood back. Skeet was on.

“
All right, you lot. Question time. Let ‘er rip!”

Most people got the idea on that one and Lana Peters raised her hand.

“
What would ya like to know, mate?”

“
Are all crocodiles capable of killing a human being, Skeet?”

“
Bloody oath, sweetheart. Make no mistake about that, please, people. These buggers are predators. They don’t care what size or shape their meat comes in, it’s all the same to them. How many of you saw ‘Crocodile Dundee’? Good, everyone. Hey, that’s excellent. In the scene where Hogan’s blonde piece was flashing her arse and bending over the billabong, you remember how the big croc came out of nowhere and grabbed the leather strap on her binoculars. Right, then, that was no bullshit. I’m serious, these mongrels are fast as lightning in the water. They are capable of launching their entire bodyweight clear of the water to nab food from low tree branches, or a head that’s sticking out looking for something. On land they can move real fast. These buggers can raise themselves up on their legs and run the same way a horse can, for sixteen to eighteen feet or so. They can’t sustain it for too long, so a distance between them and you of a minimum twenty feet is a good rule to remember. I can’t stress strongly enough that you need to be aware of the sign-posted areas. If it says
NO SWIMMING,
believe me, no swimming!
 
Remember one thing: CROCS CAN’T READ! Right, in ya rooms you’ve been supplied with very important things. First up, Piss Off insect repellent. It doesn’t stink, unless you happen to be a creepy-crawly. If you are gonna be wanderin’ around, especially at dusk, please give yourselves a good squirt. We have good mozzie control here but sometimes the little bastards get through and they can make ya itch like buggery. Next, unless you wanna end up with skin like Cyril, I suggest you lavish the Goth sunscreen on yourselves. Over the next four weeks you will be outdoors a lot more than you’re accustomed too. Sunburn is not a joking matter. Even Aussies who have lived in the tropics for many years apply sunscreen whenever they venture outside. Don’t forget, you are also supplied with sun hats and t-shirts. Please use the sun hats. It will make your stay much more enjoyable. The t-shirts are not a bad idea. You all have a selection to choose from. If you’re planning on staying out in the water for more than 15 minutes, pop one on. The sand and pathways are very hot to walk on after nine in the morning and before seven at night. We have supplied footwear – we call ‘em thongs - they are comfortable to wear and protect the feet. I will be handing out the Aussie slang dictionary in a minute, but just ask us to translate anything you don’t understand. We will all be happy to answer. The other lists show you what’s freely available to all of you and which staff members to see to organize any activities. I’m gonna hand you over to the beautiful Didi who will fill you in on the other entertainment. I hope you all have a go at some of the stuff. I guarantee you, you will have fun. Any time ya wanna chip in with a question, fire away.”