e Squared (14 page)

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Marlon Norbert

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.01

Subject: Re: hey, little man

 

Hi Marlon

 

Great news about your buddy! Thanks for the info. Sounds interesting. I am currently single, so it's of no immediate use to me. However, I'll file your e-mail for possible future reference.

 

All the best,

 

From:
Britney

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.04

Subject: let's get it on

 

I am lonely sexual teen who need friendly chat. Reply me and we make fun.
[email protected].
My breasts are on fire.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Britney

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.06

Subject: Re: let's get it on

 

Hi Britney

 

Amazing that you should write because I've only just had an e-mail from another girl who was bored and wanted to chat. She's called Daniela and she seems very nice. Remarkably, she also complained of inflammation in the breasts. Maybe it's a winter virus thing. I really think you should get in touch with her. I'm sure you'd cheer each other up. Her e-mail is
[email protected]

 

Thanks for writing. And do get in touch with Daniela. I bet it helps chase away the January blues.

 

From:
Alex Sofroniou

To: All Staff

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.17

Subject: spam filter

 

Just to let you know that the spam filter is up and running again. Apologies for the inconvenience.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Alex Sofroniou

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.19

Subject: Re: spam filter

 

What's spam?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.32

Subject:

 

Hi Lorraine

 

I know you don't want to hear from me, but please don't hit delete now ...

 

Please, please, please don't ...

 

You still there?

 

You haven't trashed this yet?

 

Thanks.

 

OK, where to begin? I honestly don't know why you left (it's not because of the thing with the thing, is it? That was ages ago). All I want is an explanation. I think you owe me that much. Fair dos, I owe you a lot more, but one tiny-weeny explanation isn't a lot to ask, is it? OK, it might be a big explanation, a humungous one the size of a house or a truck or Keith Richards' smack bill circa 1971. I can take it. I have both the time and a cast-iron emotional constitution ...

 

You still haven't trashed this? Amazing, but thanks.

 

We could do it over a drink. I'll buy. And I promise I won't plead with you to come home. Well, only a little bit.

 

Please say yes (you'll meet me, not yes you'll come home-though you can if you want. I'd really like that).

 

Liam x

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.33

Subject: PS

 

I got your e-mail address from your receptionist. I didn't do anything stalker-ish. I just asked nicely. It was really easy. Endemol security seems a bit slack. You might want to have a word.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.35

Subject: PPS

 

You left some bits and bobs in the laundry basket. I washed them for you.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.36

Subject: PPPS

 

I ironed them too.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.37

Subject: possible jumper

 

I'm really sorry to do this to you, Liam, but I have Betina from Esmée Éloge on hold. She's crying, literally hysterical. I'm genuinely afraid that if I don't give her a Winter Sun recall ad soon, she may do something crazy, possibly involving self-harm. What do you say, old pal?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.38

Subject: Re: possible jumper

 

Clients, suicidal or otherwise, are your job. Why are you bothering me with it? I'm in the middle of something VERY IMPORTANT here.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.39

Subject: PPPPS

 

You've got a lot of post. I haven't opened any of it, but you haven't given me a forwarding address. So we have to meet up, don't we? You know, so I can give it to you.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.40

Subject: PPPPPS

 

I love you.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.41

Subject: Re: possible jumper

 

I'd call a fucking trauma counselor, Liam, but they won't be able to do me a FUCKING RECALL AD. That's YOUR job. I could jeopardize our friendship by taking this to Ted. Do you really want me to do that?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.47

Subject: Re: possible jumper

 

Doing your ad now, you cock.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.09

Subject: new biz

 

Did you know Caroline has a Warhol pastiche hanging in her bedroom? It's a screen print of that famous shot of the smoking lab beagle. Every time she goes to sleep, it reminds her that humanity's two worst sins are cruelty to animals and the invention of cigarettes.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm a total fucking whore and I think your new biz win is fantastic—a terrific creative challenge and a very nice earner. Just to warn you, though, that Caroline probably won't feel the same.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.12

Subject: Re: new biz

 

But Caroline isn't here, is she? If at some distant point she does show up, you can comfort her with the fact that no animals were harmed in the signing of the contract.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.13

Subject:

 

Book me in for a lunchtime session with my trainer. I'm feeling manly.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.15

Subject: Re:

 

You've got anger management with Fabio at lunchtime.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.16

Subject: Re:

 

Tell him to go screw himself. But tell him nicely.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: All Staff

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.22

Subject: New Business Announcement

 

I am delighted to announce that Galax International Tobacco has appointed us as its lead agency in Europe and the Middle East. We will have custody of GIT's entire roster of brands, including Lucky Seven, Ambassador, Montana and Old Scrote hand-rolling tobacco.

 

As you must know, GIT has a magnificent heritage that includes some of the most famous advertisements of any age. There's the iconic Montana Man, of course, and I'm certainly old enough to remember when the Lucky Seven poster featuring all three Charlie's Angels adorned every schoolboy's bedroom wall. And despite the fact that it is over fifty years old, the now legendary “Those Smoking Moments” campaign for Ambassador remains an object lesson in single-minded communication. Who could forget the terrifically moving image of doctor and patient sharing their love of a harmless puff over the respirator?

 

Indeed, we have a great deal to live up to and our challenge is made that much tougher in these times of repressive legislation that infringes upon the legitimate commercial rights of tobacco manufacturers. It is, however, a challenge that we at Meerkat360 are more than equipped to rise to.

 

There will be champagne in reception at five.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.23

Subject:

 

So do you want me to organize the champagne?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.24

Subject: Re:

 

Er, what do you think?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.25

Subject: Re:

 

Yes?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.27

Subject: Re:

 

I knew there was a reason I hired you.

 

And when you get a minute, nip out and buy me a pack of Montana Red.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.28

Subject: Re:

 

I thought you'd given up?!

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.30

Subject: Re:

 

Did you read my all-staffer? Make it two packs.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff