Effortless (25 page)

Hey, just in case I’m a schlump and haven’t called you yet,
I wanted to say that it’s not because I don’t miss you…I do. Most
likely my delay has something to do with Griffin…I’m sure the
jackass will be a constant irritant on the road. Well, at least he
won’t be mentally undressing you for a while…that’s my job. And in
case I’ve never told you…I do it constantly. When you walk past me,
I picture those slim hips bare under my fingertips. When you lean
over to hand me my beer, I picture those firm breasts, your rigid
nipples just begging for my mouth.

My face flushing bright red, I stopped reading and glanced up at
Kate across the room from me. Oh my God, had she read this?
Noticing me staring at her, note in hand, she started laughing. I
figured she had then. Well, at least Kellan had given this to her
and not Rita…I probably never would have gotten it if that had been
the case. My face heating even more, I considered reading the rest
somewhere else, somewhere private. But curiosity got the better of
me, and hiding the paper as much as I could, I continued on with
Kellan’s sort of erotic love letter.

You wonder why I’m constantly aroused, and I guess I’m
telling you. Your body fires me. Your fingertips brushing over my
skin, ignites me. Your breath washing over me, enflames me.
Everything about you is sensual, and you have no idea…none. When
you stare at me with those smoky eyes, undressing me like I undress
you, all of the blood rushes down, and I want you…so bad. I’m
pretty sure that wherever I am right now, I have an ache, a hard,
nearly painful ache…because I’m thinking of you.

I had to stop reading again as a painful ache started building
in me. Good God, if just reading his words did this to me, hearing
him actually say these things would probably undo me. Adjusting my
posture, I glanced around the room and then returned to my
scandalous note.

My day isn’t complete until I’m deep inside you. Your body
wrapped around mine is the only way I feel whole. But don’t think
it’s just sex and a physical response to you that I’m feeling. It’s
not…it’s so much more. You’ve opened me in a way that leaves me
bleeding, vulnerable. Being with you, making love to you, it only
solidifies what I feel for you. I know that I’ve become one of
those spouting, love-sick idiots, but what it all boils down to is
three words that don’t mean nearly enough…I love you.

I closed my eyes, silently sending my own repeated proclamation
of love out into the ether, hoping he somehow heard it. Reopening
them, I read his last line.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry for not
having a chance to call you yet…and if I have called you
tonight…well, then, disregard this whole letter. Kellan.

I laughed at his last line and shook my head. Glancing up, I
noticed Kate still watching me, her head tilted with a wistful
smile on her lips. Kate read a lot of romance novels in her spare
time. I was sure she loved hearing Kellan’s version of being
romantic. Hot and sexy, but romantic, too…just like him.

Letting out a long, stuttered breath, I shoved the note in my
apron and pulled out an apple lollipop. They were supposed to be
for customers but I suddenly needed something in my mouth to suck
on.

It was three hours later, when I was tiredly crawling into my
bed, when my phone rang, and the man who’d been cropping up all
throughout my day finally spoke to me again. Sounding energetically
awake, he murmured in my ear, “Hey, gorgeous. Did I wake you or are
you just lying down?”

Grinning ear to ear, I stretched out under the covers. “Just
crawled into my large, cold bed.”

Kellan sighed, the sound husky and sensual. “Ah…God that sounds
nice. I wish I was there with you.”

Sighing, I laid my hand over where his body would have been.
“You are, remember? Our bed is just too big for me to feel you, is
all.”

He laughed, amused. “Yeah, that’s right. Well, I’d wrap my leg
around yours and bury my head in your neck if I were closer…” He
sighed. “I miss the smell of you…”

I bit my lip, imagining his perfect bone structure in front of
me. “I was going to say the exact same thing.”

He laughed again, softly. “Hey, did you get any of my
notes?”

Grinning like an idiot again, I rolled onto my back. “Yeah, I
did.” I laughed. “When did you find time to do all that?”

“What do you think I do while you’re at school?” He laughed
out.

Shaking my head, I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see it.
“Sleep would be my guess.”

Kellan sighed, the sound full of love. “Not this week…I had much
more important things to do.”

My corresponding sigh matched his. “Well, I loved them all…it
nearly felt like you were still here.”

“Good, that was the point. Did Kate give you hers?” The way he
said it was odd, like he wasn’t sure how I’d respond to his
seductive letter.

I flushed in my dark bedroom, remembering the steamy things he’d
written. Man, he was good at expressing himself on paper. “Um, yes,
she did,” I whispered, embarrassed, even alone.

“And…did you like it?” he whispered, his voice husky again.

“Yes,” was all I could get out.

“Good…because I meant every word. What you do to me, the way you
affect me… I know you don’t think you’re anything special, and I
think you even sometimes feel like you’re not attractive enough for
me, but you are. My body burns for you…I can’t deny that…I never
could.”

“It’s the same for me, Kellan…all of it. How you affect me, how
much I love you…all of it.”

He sighed, sounding completely satisfied. “Good…I like that we
feel the same. It makes me think…everything is going to be
fine.”

Once again, I heard the words that I’d nearly said to Denny
rattling around in my head—
I hope so
. I didn’t say them to
Kellan, though. Instead, I shifted the conversation to where he was
and what he’d done today. Telling me about all of the radio
interviews he’d had to call in for once they’d pulled into the
city, I began to understand a little more why he hadn’t had time to
call me, not that I’d really expected him to. I knew he was busy. I
knew I’d get to talk to him when he was ready.

Once he was done telling me about his day, I told him about
mine. He was just as proud and amazed as I’d hoped he would be when
I told him about the girl jam session we’d had. And he was just as
fascinated with Matt’s neighbor as I’d knew he’d be. He even wanted
to go see her again when he got back into town.

I glossed over the phone call to Denny. Not that I was hiding it
or anything, but why bring up something that might trudge up any
insecurities in Kellan? I wanted him to feel good about our
relationship. And he had nothing to fear from Denny anymore. That
romance was history, and while reminiscing about it sometimes
brought up a smidge of the residual feeling that I’d had when I’d
been in it, it was just that—residual—more akin to enjoying a fond
memory than anything relevant to my current feelings. I didn’t
think I could express that to Kellan, though, not in any
satisfactory way, so I left it alone. Besides, he didn’t mention
calling Denny today either. Some things, Kellan and I just didn’t
need to talk about anymore.

I reluctantly opened my eyes in the morning. I’d been running on
less sleep than normal, since Kellan and the guys had left town.
There seemed to be a list of things that kept me up late each
night; closing shifts at work, studying for school, Anna wanting to
talk about the texts she was getting from Griffin, Kellan calling
me at bedtime, tucking me in with his voice…

As the sleep stinging my eyes made them water a little, I
wondered if Kellan was feeling the effects of his own late nights,
on stage or on the road. Then I wondered if he was sticking to his
normal pattern of early rising. His tour mates probably didn’t
appreciate it if he was staying true to form. At least, not as much
as I appreciated it. I’d had to make my own coffee for way too many
mornings in a row now…I couldn’t even recall how many.

Sighing, I reached back with my toes to feel the vacant half of
the bed next to me. Oddly, it wasn’t vacant. I jerked my head
around immediately. Resting on his stomach, his head facing me,
Kellan was lying right there. A huge grin spread on my face as I
propped myself up on an elbow to stare down at him.

Of course, how could I forget, his time
had
passed…he
was back home. I couldn’t remember the time passing by, which was
kind of strange considering how much of it had blurred past, but I
somehow knew that it had. Six months had gone by and Kellan was
home…in his bed. Looking around, my thoughts were confirmed. We
weren’t in my room, we were in his. His Ramones poster was still
perfectly pinned in place, his Bumbershoot poster right beside
it.

Odd, I’d really thought the time would drag.

Not really caring how the time leap had happened, I leaned down
and ran the back of my knuckle over his cheek. He moved his head a
little, but his eyes remained closed in slumber. Sighing contently,
I let my finger trail down his neck and over his shoulder blade.
Sometime in the night, I’d become a bit of a bedcover hog and
Kellan had only been left with the sheet. He could be a restless
sleeper sometimes, and he’d twisted the fabric so that only a
corner of it was resting over his bare backside. 

My knuckle traveled over his ribs, the long scar on his side the
only mar on his otherwise smooth, pristine skin. I bit my lip as I
traced it, enjoying a personal detail about Kellan that only a
handful of other people knew about.

He exhaled in a way that kind of sounded like a sigh, but
peeking up at him, he still seemed out of it. The tour must have
been exhausting. It was unusual for me to wake before him. It was
nearly unheard of for me to be able to touch him without him
waking. Unless he was deep in a nightmare, even a slight caress
usually made his eyes crack open. He was just a very light
sleeper.

Curious, I flipped my hand around so my palm rested on his low
back. Still no response. My own body fully awake now, I started
sliding my hand down. As my hand slipped under the scant sheet
separating his skin from the spring air, I angled my fingers down
to feel his hip bone.

Biting my lip so hard I thought I might puncture myself, I
pushed the heel of my hand all the way down the side of his hip.
There was something insanely erotic about the movement, and I was
breathing a little heavier when I reached his thigh. Loving what
just that small move had done to me, I brought my hand back up his
hip. This time, I moved the sheet aside so I could see the skin
there; it turned me on even more.

I glanced back up at him, but he was still obliviously sleeping
away. I frowned, irritated that we weren’t on the same page. I was
getting all riled up and he had his head on his arm, contently
unconscious. 

His knee was slightly at an angle up his body, so there was a
small, seductive gap under his hip. Containing a groan, I pushed my
fingers into the gap. Maybe I could wake him up another way? He
might be sleeping through me caressing his body, but touching
that
body part would surely get…some response.

Just as my fingers were wrapping around his hip bone, I heard a
low and husky voice say, “Careful…you’re about to make me very
happy.”

Smiling, I peeked up at him again. Insanely dark blue eyes
stared down at me. One lip curling up into a devilish smile, he
murmured, “Was there something you needed?”

Pressing my body into his, I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

His smile widening, he inhaled deep and flipped onto his back.
The scant covering that had been on him didn’t survive the twisting
process, falling off mid-turn.  Putting his other arm behind
his head, he tilted his chin up and closed his eyes. “Well then, go
ahead.”

That was when my eyes sprang open for real.

I knew I was really awake that time because my bed was
completely empty. My bed was achingly empty, and I could remember
every long second that had ticked by since Kellan’s departure a
month and a half ago. There was no glossing over time periods in
reality. Every moment was catalogued in the brain, so every moment
was known. You didn’t suddenly not remember six months passing.
Unfortunately.

Sitting up in my bed, I cursed the erotic dream I’d been having.
It really wasn’t fair to wake up right as Kellan was exposing
himself to me. I didn’t even get to sneak a peek.

Sighing, I tossed the covers off. My dream had left me in a mood
that required Kellan’s attentions. Irritated, I decided to get
ready for school. At least some education would help douse the fire
in my body.

I turned the water all the way down to ice cold when I got in
the shower. It didn’t entirely take the heat of the dream away, but
the shivering and shaking did help. By the time I was done, I had
to hop up and down to get my circulation moving again.

My teeth chattering, I smiled at a post-it note on the mirror as
I ran a comb through my hair. I’d found it the morning after Kellan
had left. Sleepy and a little forlorn, I had found it hiding inside
my mirrored medicine cabinet, waiting for me behind my stick of
deodorant. In Kellan’s neat scrawl, it read,
‘Remember you’re
beautiful, and I’m thinking of you.’
After I’d taped it to the
mirror, my sister had added a sticky note beside it. Hers read,
‘I’m jealous and I hate you…but you are beautiful.’

I shook my head at them both. It still amazed me how much
thought Kellan had put into his departure. I’d found other notes
tucked throughout my home. One in the coffee pot told me how many
scoops to use to make the perfect batch. One in his car reminded me
to drive slowly. One tucked in the back of my locker at work asked
if I missed him yet. One at his house told me I could make use of
his bed if I wanted to. It even highly implied that I should enjoy
myself, and if I wanted, I could send him pictures.

After I’d found the majority of them in those first couple of
weeks, I’d thought that would be it, but as time went by, like a
never-ending Easter egg hunt, I kept finding ones that had been
even more carefully hidden. Sometimes, when I had spare time, I’d
search for them. That was how I’d found my most prized
possession.

Kellan had hidden it well, maybe not wanting me to find it for a
few months. And I’d come across it completely by luck. Once Kellan
had started spending so many nights here at my place, I’d given him
a drawer in my dresser, so he could store some of his stuff. And
just because I loved him, I’d given him the top one. Wondering
where the clever man would stash a note in my home, I’d rifled
through his shirts and jeans. After checking all of his pants
pockets, I’d started in on my drawer below it. Expecting him to
leave something naughty in my underwear drawer, I’d been surprised
to find it undisturbed. But then I’d heard a weird noise as I was
closing it, like paper sliding against wood.

Taking the drawer out, I’d flipped it over and found the
surprise taped to the bottom. I’d stared at it for a solid five
minutes, barely even breathing. Kellan hadn’t left a note there.
He’d taken a picture. It was black and white and artistically
beautiful, but that wasn’t what made my breathing shallow. It was
what he’d chosen to photograph.

It was his body…fresh from the shower.

I wasn’t sure how he’d captured the image, but it started around
his jaw line and cut off just centimeters before his…intimate
parts. Everything in-between was covered in beaded drops of
moisture, rivers of it running across the curves and lines of his
well-defined physique. It was the single most erotic thing I’d ever
seen, and I flushed whenever I looked at it. I flushed a lot
throughout my day.

I kept it in my purse with me, carrying it around everywhere I
went. I pulled it out periodically, reading the inscription on the
back whenever I did. In red ink he’d written,
‘I know you enjoy
looking at me and I wouldn’t want to deprive you of anything that
brings you joy.’
I usually fanned myself with it next.

Whenever Kellan and I talked on the phone, I’d always mention
what I’d found that day. He’d chuckle at me, enjoying that he could
entertain me, even while away. I suspected that was only one of the
reasons he’d done it. First as a game, and second as a way to keep
me thinking of him. Like I’d ever stop thinking about him. The
night I’d told him I’d found his naked picture, he’d made a deep
noise in his throat, then asked, “Which one?”

I couldn’t even answer him and he’d spent a good minute
laughing. I had no idea if there were more naked pictures around,
but I was determined to find out.

Sighing again, I shook my head to clear Kellan from my thoughts.
I needed to think of other things today than missing him. I needed
to think of other things than how he was doing and what he was
doing. I needed to stop wondering why almost every time he called
me there was a giggling girl in the background. No, those things
could wait until later. Today, today I needed to focus on my last
class before winter break. My last final before winter break.

And then…then I could think about Kellan, about finally seeing
him again in a week, when we met up at my parents’ place for
Christmas. I was trying to not get too excited about it, but it was
too late, I already was. My parents…were not so thrilled.
Convincing them that Kellan could join in our festivities had taken
some work. It wasn’t as if they hated him or anything, they just
didn’t know him yet. All they knew was what he did, and for my dad,
that was enough. While he didn’t say it directly, I think my dad
was expecting an STD-carrying, crack-smoking, foul-mouthed hooligan
to show up. He always had been a little overprotective.

After throwing on a pair of comfortable jeans and the warmest
sweater I owned, I bundled up in a thick jacket and grabbed my bag.
Then I headed out to Kellan’s second baby. I’d started calling her
Babe-ette. Kellan asked about her well being almost as much as my
own. Starting the muscle car, I let the sound take me back to his
smile. I couldn’t wait to see him again.

Once at school, I quickly found a seat and pulled out my notes.
I had some spare time, so I prepared for a quick study session
before my ethics final. I waved at some of the people that I’d
gotten to know in group discussion periods. After Kellan had made
it look so seamless and natural, I’d started speaking up in class.
Surprisingly, people listened to me. Even more surprising, many
people agreed with me. It was exhilarating, in a way, and I’d found
myself piping up more and more. As a result, the girls that used to
ogle my boyfriend every morning, while eyeing me speculatively, now
gave me warm smiles of greeting. Some had even asked about Kellan.
Like the girl currently sitting on my right, Cheyenne.

Perky and blonde, she was the sort of girl that men noticed. But
she had a way of talking that made you like her, regardless of how
attractive she was. Nearly every girl in the class was her friend,
but she always tried to sit by me. She said just being around me
boosted her test scores.

“Hey, Kiera. Think you’re going to ace this?” Cheyenne had a
slight southern tang to her voice that made it even more
adorable.

Smiling in the self-assured way that I’d often seen Kellan
smile, I shrugged. “Sure, no problem.” Then I grimaced. “I
hope.”

She smiled as she pulled out her own notes. “I’m sure you’ll
kick my butt.” Glancing over at the chicken scratches on my papers,
she asked, “You heard from Kellan recently? How’s he doing?”

I sighed, trying not to think too much about those deep blue
eyes that I missed, the impossibly sexy mess of hair. “Yeah, he
called last night. They’re doing good, working their way to the
east coast. He’s somewhere in Pennsylvania, I think.”

Her eyes widened as she shook her head. “Pennsylvania? I’ve
always wanted to head over there, see the history.” Leaning back in
her seat, her eyes got a little dreamy. “Lucky guy, he’s getting to
see the world.”

Tapping my pen against my notebook, I nodded. “Yeah…yeah he is.”
Chuckling softly, I added, “Well, this country at least.”

Students around us filtered in as Cheyenne and I went over what
may or may not be on the test. Candy and her friends came in,
sitting as far away from me as possible. I still wasn’t sure what
Kellan had said to them, but she’d certainly backed off after he’d
said it. I knew Kellan had a temper sometimes; I’d been the
recipient on an occasion or two. Maybe Candy had never been snapped
at before.