Ella Finds Love Again (3 page)

“I would not push you into anything you’re not ready for. So we will wait. Is that a
gut
enough answer from me?”

Ella lowered her head. “More than
gut
enough. It’s an answer worthy of your wonderful girls. It is I who am not worthy of you.”

“Don’t say that,” Ivan said. “You are much more than you can ever know. It’s me who is unworthy of you.”

“It will take some time before I can walk the way of our people.”

“If my love for you were not so great,” Ivan said, “then perhaps I could let you go, but the truth is that I love you too much.”

His eyes found hers again, holding her gaze steady.

“I wish it weren’t so for your sake.” Ella managed a smile. “I wish I didn’t need so much time.”

Ivan leaned forward as if he would kiss her. She would not resist if he did. Perhaps it would help. Maybe even rekindle the fire that once burned in her heart. She felt his fingers tighten on her hands.
Will he?
Her breath quickened.
What would it be like if he did, bringing his lips down to meet mine?

She dared to look up, but Ivan’s gaze was far away now, seeing past barn ceilings and horse stalls. His grip lessened on her hands as the lantern hissed above them.

Ella waited, but Ivan said nothing.

What is he remembering, that light shining in his eyes, that little smile on his face, that joy I so rarely see flickering in his eyes?
she wondered.

He sighed, gripping her fingers again.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I guess I have my own sorrows. But I do dream of the day when we will exchange the vows, when you will be ready to be my wife and a mother to my girls.”

“And we can all be in one place together,” she said. “In a house I can really call home.”

“So that’s why you’re considering me,” he teased, a twinkle playing in his eyes. “You want my farm.”

“Ivan Stutzman!” she said in mock accusation. “How can you say that? What an awful woman you must think I am!”

“You are nothing but
gut
,” he said as he pulled her close to his side with one arm. He walked forward with her at his side as they made their way to the barn door.

Her bonnet whacked against his shoulder and she laughed.

“I guess I’m clumsy around a
gut
woman,” he said. “I hope that doesn’t drive you back home again.”

“
Nee
,” she said. “Not in this snowstorm!”

He laughed, suddenly stopping short.

“
Ach
, here I am so taken up with you, I’m forgettin’ the lantern. I’ll burn the barn down like a young boy in love,” he said. Walking back, he lifted the lantern off the hook, carrying the light swinging at his other side.

“Neither of us is that young,” Ella said, retrieving her gloves. She pulled them on, waiting for him to take her hand again…but he didn’t.

“Sorrow makes us both seem old, Ella. But
Da Hah
will help us.”

He shut the barn door, the intensity of the snowstorm choking back any words they might have said. Snowflakes shifted before the lantern’s light like a living wall in motion.

“We’d best run,” Ella shouted through the whirling white stinging her cheeks. She slapped her hands together in front of her face.

“No runnin’ in this snow,” Ivan said, waving his lantern forward, the light illuminating drifts already high between the house and barn. “Soon I’ll need to carry you in.”

“You’ll do no such thing!” she said, stepping forward quickly.

He laughed and followed with his lantern. At the side door, he held it open for her, pushing the swinging screen door against the wall until she had passed through to the washroom. The water basin was frozen solid, and Ivan motioned for Ella to go on inside.

“I’ll fix the water for you,” she said instead, as he set the lantern on the counter. He looked at her in surprise as Ella took the basin outside, and with a quick whack on the porch rail removed the ice.

Entering the washroom again, Ella laughed at the look on his face. From the looks of things, the man sorely needed a woman doing things for him. She opened the kitchen door and saw Susanna standing near the large table, the evening supper spread out before her.

“Good evening, Susanna,” Ella offered. “I made it through the snowstorm.” She shook off the snow before stepping across the threshold.

“Good evening,” Susanna said. “Quite some storm out there.”

“Yah,” Ella said, nodding. “Everything’s frozen.”

Susanna motioned with her chin toward the water bucket on the counter. Ella set the basin down, removed her gloves, and then reached to pick the basin up again. The cold metal stuck to her skin. She transferred the bowl quickly from one hand to the other and placed it back on the counter.

She grabbed the water bucket and filled the basin. She put the bucket down, picked up the basin and, careful not to spill the water, carried it back into the washroom where Ivan was still standing as if rooted to the spot.

“I have to wash too,” she said as she set the basin down. She waited until Ivan was finished before she washed. He stood there watching her as she dried her hands on the cold towel. She could feel his eyes on her, and it felt strangely
gut
to be watched.

She left his gaze and stepped into the kitchen. Glancing at his still form, she gently shut the door.

“That storm sounds serious,” Susanna said, a big bowl of white, fluffy mashed potatoes in her hands. “Can you get back home tonight?”

Ella shook her head, taking her bonnet off, and placing it on a chair.

“You’re stayin’ with me then?” Susanna asked.

“I was hopin’ you would give me a place—even if it’s just on the couch. An
Englisha
couple stopped me on the road. They said this would be quite a storm.”

“Of course you can stay with me,” Susanna affirmed. “There’s always room for one more at the house.”

“Are you sure? There’s your parents, and here you’ve done all the work on this supper…”

“I’m glad to do it,” Susanna said. “Ivan needed something special.”

“Yah,” Ella agreed, removing her shawl and draping it over a chair to dry. Behind her the washroom door opened, and soon she felt Ivan’s hand lightly on her arm. Ella glanced at Susanna. What would she think of this open display of affection? That she was already promised to him? Susanna had turned her head, but not before Ella noticed a pleased smile on her face. Susanna obviously approved of the match.

“Where are the girls?” Ella asked.

“Mary and Sarah are upstairs in the big bedroom,” Susanna said. “They like to play up there. And the baby’s in the living room on a blanket by the stove.”

“I’ll call them,” Ivan offered.

“Let me,” Ella said, waiting for his approval. He nodded and pulled out the chair at the head of the table and sat down. Ella turned to go upstairs with the realization that she had looked to Ivan for his approval, not unlike she did her daett at home, but this man was to be her husband, not her father.

The thought caused a tremble in her hands as she entered the living room and approached baby Barbara beside the stove. The faint light from the kerosene lamp on the desk sent soft shadows across the baby’s face. Barbara smiled happily, waving her arms and kicking her feet in the air at the sight of her.

“
Ach
, you are so happy tonight,” Ella said, reaching down to brush her forehead.

“I’d best leave you here by the warm stove,” she whispered. “I don’t want you catching a winter flu bug. I’ll go get your sisters. Then we’ll go to supper.”

The baby kicked her feet in gleeful agreement.

Three

T
he stairwell was dark, and Ella was reminded of the thousand such trips up and down in her old home on Seager Hill. Tonight dim light was dancing on the walls at the top of the stairs. Soft little girl voices were coming from the bedroom. She drew a long breath. If
Da Hah
didn’t intervene in some way, she would soon be their mamm—and a wife to Ivan.

But oddly, that thought no longer carried intense pain. In fact, she felt very little in the way of emotions. In some ways, that was how she wanted it to stay. Never again did she want to experience the heartrending agony when love is torn from the heart. Perhaps it was just as
gut
her heart had become ice.

Ella deliberately stepped hard on the landing to alert the girls of her approach. There was no need for a surprise entrance and startling the girls. The door to the room was ajar, and Ella could hear the change of tone in their voices. The sound warmed her heart.

“Hi, girls!” she said, peeking around the edge of the door. A kerosene lamp burned on the dresser, two faceless ragtag dolls were lying on the bed, and Mary and Sarah were seated beside them.

“We were waitin’ for you,” Mary said, laughing.

Sarah nodded enthusiastically.

“So you made me climb all the way up here?” Ella said, teasing.

Their smiles broadened.

“It’s really snowin’ outside,” Sarah said. “We can’t even see out the window! It’s even darker than dark.”

“Oh, but the snow is beautiful,” Ella said, giving them both a tight hug. “And so are you! I haven’t seen you since yesterday.”

“That was a long time ago,” Mary said, her voice sober.

Again Sarah nodded vigorously.

“Oh, that’s not so long,” Ella said, laughing and squeezing them tighter.

“Well, it seemed so to us,” Mary said. “We’re glad you’re here. Daett said you’d come. And Susanna has supper all ready for us, so we don’t have to eat Daett’s food.”

“
Ach
, your daett’s food isn’t that bad,” Ella said as she loosened her hug.
The poor little dears; they really do need a mother.

“It’s not like yours,” Sarah said, exaggerating her smile, all her teeth showing.

“You’d better keep those teeth in your mouth,” Ella said, pinching her cheek. “They might fall out.”

“Oh no they won’t,” Sarah said, sticking her fingers in and pulling hard on one of them. “They’re stuck in really tight!”

“So I see,” Ella said. “I was just teasing you. You have really nice teeth.”

“Do I have nice teeth?” Mary asked.

“Open up,” Ella said. “Really wide now.”

Mary complied, her mouth lifted high.

“Yes, sure ’nuff…you have
really
nice teeth,” Ella said.

“Really?” Mary asked.

“You both do! Now come on down for supper. Susanna has everything ready.”

“Will you have to go home after supper…in this big snow?” Sarah asked, her eyes big.

“What if you get stuck in a ditch?” Mary asked. “Who will help you out?”

Ella laughed. “Susanna is letting me stay at her house tonight. Come now, we need to go down for supper.”

“Why don’t you stay at
our
house?” Mary asked, her brown eyes fixed on Ella’s face. “You’re our mamm, aren’t you?”

Sarah nodded slowly beside her.

Ella knelt down and wrapped her arms around the girls. “No, I just take care of you during the week. I’ve told you that before. You’re mamm’s in heaven.”

“Then why are you here for supper?” Mary asked. “With Daett? That’s how I know you’re our mamm now.”

“I’m just here on a visit,” Ella said, her hands tight around their thin shoulders. “Then you’ll see me on Monday again…for all of next week.”

“Will you be our mamm someday?” Mary asked, her eyes hopeful.

“I don’t know,” Ella said, her breath catching.

“We would like to have you as our mamm,” Mary said, laying her hand on Ella’s cheek.

Sarah’s little hand came up on the other side, her head nodding, her eyes eager.

“Look, sweethearts, perhaps
Da Hah
will give you a mamm someday. A real
gut
one. And maybe it will be me. But we’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Why do we always have to wait for the
gut
things?” Mary asked.

What was there to say to such an innocent question, to such hope raised from little hearts? Could God Himself deny them?

“I want a real mamm before I die,” Mary said, taking Sarah’s hand in hers. “Sarah does too.”

“Yah, I know,” Ella whispered as she rose to her feet. With the kerosene lamp in one hand and Sarah’s hand in the other, Ella led the way into the hall. There Mary stepped forward, taking the lead, going down the stairs one step at a time. Ella stayed behind her, the lamp held aloft, as Sarah followed Mary.

They were so small, and so soon they would grow up. Why couldn’t she tell them she would be their mamm? Hadn’t she decided to speak the sacred vows with Ivan? Why was it so hard then for her to say so? Could her heart go on living if she missed this moment, a moment that might never come again? If she allowed the past to mar what could be so beautiful in the present?

At the bottom of the stairs Mary walked over to baby Barbara, bending over to whisper to her.

Ella paused, watching. How would she ever arrive at a decision with so many doubts and emotions tearing at her?

“Supper’s ready!” Susanna called from the kitchen doorway.

Ella walked over and picked up baby Barbara, carrying her into the kitchen.

“I’m sure hungry!” Ivan said, already seated at the table,.

Susanna turned to Ella. “He’s in a
gut
mood. You have that effect on him. I don’t see him this happy very often.”

Ella tried to smile as she helped the girls into their chairs. What would Ivan think if he knew her real thoughts? Her fears that she might never be able to love again.

Susanna brought a large bowl of mashed potatoes from the stove and then sat down herself.

Ivan looked around and asked, “Shall we pray?” His voice deepening into his Sunday tone, he led out, “Our Father, most gracious Lord and Savior. You who give life that man may live, bless now this meal which is prepared. Allow Your abundant grace to increase and abound in our lives…” His voice continued until at the end he added words Ella was certain had never been written in any prayer book: “And we thank You for bringing Ella to us. Amen.”