Enlightened (21 page)
I’d spent the last hour looking at possible cars for the wedding day. Rebecca was planning on spending the night before the big day at her parents’ house, which was only a few miles from the hotel, so we only needed the cars to take her down the road on the morning of the wedding. To be honest I’d been tempted to just use my Aston Martin DB9 to pick her up – it was an absolute beauty but seeing as it was only two door it might cause issues for Rebecca getting in and out in her dress. Besides, I knew she wanted to take the drive from her parents’ house to the hotel with her mum, sister, and all the bridesmaids, so I needed to be looking for something a little larger. Sitting back from my computer with a smirk I assessed the car currently on my screen and wondered how Rebecca would feel arriving in a fleet of gleaming Ferraris. We’d need one per person though, which might be a tad costly. Perhaps I could just hire one for me to take Rebecca for a spin in afterwards … now that
was
a tempting thought …
Clicking back to a page of more suitable cars I saved the website of the company that had confirmed earlier that they had a 1951 Rolls-Royce Silver Wraith available. Even as a lover of modern fast cars I could appreciate the beauty of this classic. It seated six within its leather and walnut cabin and was a beautiful beige and black on the outside. Basically, it was perfect, and I was pretty sure Rebecca would love it.
At that very second my mobile started to ring on the table beside me, flashing Rebecca’s name. Giving a small chuckle I picked it up. It was almost like she somehow knew I was thinking about her. Much to my irritation she’d left for a conference in Scotland early this morning, something about marketing for small businesses, and I assumed this was her calling to tell me she’d arrived. Smiling I flicked the screen and raised it to my ear. ‘Hi, Becky, you made it safely then?’ On the other end of the line I heard heavy breathing and immediately frowned. ‘Rebecca, are you OK?’ My tone was far harsher this time and I found myself standing up in agitation.
‘Hi, Nicholas! Yes, yes, I’m fine,’ Rebecca answered, still sounding breathless. What the fuck was she doing?
‘Why the hell are you out of breath? What are you doing?’ I demanded. Images of Rebecca making those exact breathy sounds in bed with me flashed into my mind and I felt my composure cracking as I lifted a hand and tugged at my hair.
‘Sorry! I’ve been jogging. There’s absolutely no phone signal in the hotel or grounds so I had to nab a lift into the village with the cook, but when I got here the postman told me the only place for good phone signal was the top of the high street.’ I listened as she sucked in a few breaths before continuing. ‘The cook is on a bit of a tight schedule, she’s only picking up a few things from the shop and needs to get back so I jogged up the high street to call you. I miss you already,’ she finished softly, and just like that my agitation vaporised to be replaced by a warm feeling spreading in my chest.
‘I miss you too,’ I admitted. I’d grown so used to her being around that the next three days alone in the house would feel distinctively strange. ‘Your flight was OK?’ I wasn’t keen on her going away for so long, which I knew was irrational but was just how I felt. Actually, we’d had a bit of a disagreement about it last night; she’d called me overprotective and I’d called her stubborn before we both refused to apologise. Luckily, I’d woken Rebecca up extra early this morning to make it up to her with some lazy lovemaking so that things weren’t left on a sour note between us. To make it up to her I’d also insisted on driving her to Gatwick this morning for her flight to Inverness. It was the least I could do really.
‘The flight was great, smooth and quick. We just had the two hour drive to the hotel. It’s stunning up here, Nicholas, so beautiful. Just a shame there’s no phone or internet signal at the hotel so I’m afraid I won’t be able to call you again until I’m back at the airport.’
My teeth clenched at the idea of Rebecca being away from me and unable to contact me, but I calmed myself down by thinking through one of the strategies that Dr Phillips, my anger management councillor, had taught me. Rebecca was a grown-up. I might feel protective of her, but she was an individual and I needed to allow her the space to do her own thing every now and then, it was the only way I’d ever manage to hold on to her.
‘Look, I’m sorry I can’t talk for longer, Nicholas, I just wanted to call so you knew I was all right,’ I heard the phone shuffling about in Rebecca’s hand, ‘Coming!’ she yelled, making me move the phone away from my ear with a wince. ‘Sorry. The cook’s just come out of the shop and she’s waving at me desperately, she’s can’t be late back because she needs to get on preparing the dinners. I better go. I think I’ll lose signal again as soon as I walk down this hill though.’
Smiling sadly I held the receiver tight as if it were Rebecca’s hand, ‘OK, well, enjoy the conference, baby. I love you,’ I murmured.
‘I love you too, Nicholas. And thanks, I think I will enjoy it, there’s some great speakers lined up for tomorrow. I’ll miss you though. Better go. Bye then.’ I could tell from her quickening breaths that Rebecca was already on the move again.
‘Bye.’ I waited until I heard the call finish from her end and then hung up, feeling a little bit sorry for myself.
Almost as soon as I’d put my phone down on the desk it began to ring again and I chuckled thinking she was calling me back. Picking up the phone with a grin I placed it by my ear without even bothering to check the screen, ‘I thought you said you’d have no more signal,’ I said with a smile. But the voice I heard on the other end of the line wasn’t Rebecca. It was a man. ‘Mr Nicholas Jackson? I’m calling about your brother, Nathaniel.’
, I thought with a roll of my eyes,
what’s the daft, quick-tempered bugger done this time?
‘Stella?’ My name was being called loudly and in a distinctly desperate tone. I turned on the spot to see Nathan, haloed by the sun from the window behind him and standing with his arms wide open looking repentant, and hopeful, as he gestured for me to go to him.
‘Stella? Stella? Where the fuck are you?’ Blinking awake at the confusing sound of Kenny’s voice calling my name somewhere in the apartment – not Nathan. I rolled onto my back as reality began to permeate my sleep – I had been dreaming. Even in my sleepy state disappointment surged through me as I realised that Nathan wasn’t really here, he wasn’t apologising, and he certainly wasn’t calling me into his waiting arms. My eyes squeezed shut in distress as my hands flew to my face and almost clawed at my eye sockets to try and stop the flood of on-coming tears. As soon as those depressing facts settled in my brain a wave of nausea swept through my body, causing me to sit upright far too fast and clutch at my mouth to try and keep it in. Swallowing loudly I cleared my throat and reached for the packet of ginger snap biscuits which had taken up residence on my bedside table over the past few days. It might be an old wives’ tale, but these babies worked a treat on my morning sickness and quelled the nausea brilliantly.
‘I’m in bed,’ I called to Kenny whilst shoving a biscuit in my mouth. Chomping on the sweet gingery goodness – no doubt the first of many – my bedroom door flew open to reveal Kenny looking almost unrecognisable – his hair was a mess, he was panting hard, and his face was deathly pale. First off, Kenny
never
did exercise, unless it was bedroom gymnastics with some hot young thing, so the panting struck me as decidedly odd, and secondly, my flatmate wouldn’t even leave the building unless his hair and face radiated perfection, so the fact that he looked pretty damn awful made my stomach tighten with apprehension.
‘Thank God you’re here … Get dressed.’ His sharp tone didn’t help my unease one little bit, but something in it sparked me into action and I popped the last bite of biscuit in my mouth before turning myself in the bed and hanging my legs over the side while giving him a curious glance.
‘You look awful, Kenny, what is it?’ I asked, pushing myself to my feet and wondering what on earth could have upset my flatmate so much. Another dating disaster perhaps? But surely that wouldn’t rate this type of theatrical reaction, not even from drama queen Kenny.
‘You’ve obviously heard nothing on Nathan, then?’ he asked, causing me to instantly sag back onto the bed irritated that he should bring Nathan up again when he knew how sensitive I was feeling at the moment. Talk about an emotional bomb ready to explode. Even with all the tears I’d cried lately my eyes suddenly started to sting a little, which I blamed on my rampant pregnancy hormones. ‘No. Why should I be the one to call? He could have damn well contacted me if he gave a fuck.’ It had been three full days since my argument with Nathan and there had been nothing, not even a text for God’s sake. I’d started to hate my mobile phone, all I did was repeatedly check it only to see no new calls or messages.
‘Christ, Stella … I didn’t mean that. I … I don’t know how to say this,’ Kenny paused, a grimace furrowing his usually smooth brow as he dragged a hand through his long hair.
Come to think of it, he sounded unrecognisable too … Kenny was a constant joker, he was never this serious, even when the shit hit the fan he’d manage to make light of it and keep everyone else upbeat. His odd disposition made me pause halfway through pulling on my jeans to frown at him. ‘Kenny, you’re kinda scaring me. What the hell is the matter?’ I yanked up my jeans and decided my sleep T-shirt could stay for now. I was wearing a bra underneath anyway, so it wasn’t too revealing.
Running an agitated hand through his hair again Kenny picked up my everyday handbag and shoved my phone into it before clutching it to his chest and looking back at me again, ‘Look, don’t kill me all right?’ he started, which I met with a fractious look.
‘Just spit it out Kenny!’ I hissed in exasperation, snatching my bag from him.
‘OK, OK.’ He let out a long breath and fidgeted on the spot before looking back at me with lowered brows. ‘After seeing you so miserable the last few days I decided to pay a visit to Nathan.’ Seeing my face turn thunderous Kenny raised his hands in desperation. ‘He’s the father to your child, Stella, he needs to take responsibility, not run away.’
I closed my eyes and drew in a long breath through my nose as one hand instinctively moved to cup my stomach protectively. I was too mad to even look at him at the moment, how dare he go and see Nathan behind my back?
How dare he?
This was my mess, I needed to be the one to sort it out. Or more precisely Nathan needed to be the one to sort it out, if he ever got off his arse and had the decency to call me. A wave of panic rushed through me, chilling my skin as it passed, what if Nathan had walked away for good and
never
called me? Surely even with all his issues he wouldn’t do that to me, would he? But I was distracted from dwelling on this by Kenny’s next words.
‘The thing is, Nathan wasn’t there.’ Kenny’s tone had gone decidedly odd again so I pushed my tumbling thoughts aside, opened my eyes, and looked up at him, ‘You might want to sit down, Stella,’ Kenny hedged, indicating towards my rumpled bed. I huffed out an increasingly impatient breath, propped my hands on my hips defiantly, and watched as Kenny gave in with a grimace, ‘He’d not been in work for three days, Stella. There was an accident … Nathan’s in hospital.’
For several seconds I felt as if my world had stopped spinning as I stood there blinking at him slowly and repeatedly running his words through my mind. No matter how many times I repeated them, Kenny’s words just didn’t make sense. Surely he couldn’t mean what I thought he did.
There was an accident … Nathan’s in hospital … Nathan’s in hospital … Nathan’s in hospital.
My vision blurred as my legs went wobbly beneath me, and then my sickness returned with a vengeance, forcing me to break from my trance and dash to the bathroom where I proceeded to throw up the entire contents of my stomach, ginger snap included, and more, by the look of it. This bout of nausea was so violent that I was pretty sure it was from shock, not my usual morning sickness, and the whole time I was bent over the toilet retching the only words rolling round my brain were
‘Nathan’, ‘accident’,
and
‘hospital.’
I don’t know how long I threw up for, it seemed to go on forever, but eventually my stomach settled enough for me to become aware of the bathroom around me again. Kenny’s hand was rubbing soothing patterns on my back and as I focused on his reassuring touch I gradually began to come back to reality.
‘How is he?’ I asked, my voice scratchy and barely audible as I continued to stare into the toilet bowl. ‘He’s unconscious, Stella; that was all the receptionist at his office could tell me.’ Unconscious.
Fuck
. All the spiteful things I’d been thinking about doing to him for running out on me suddenly reared up into my mind, making me feel like an utter cow. Over the past few days there had been many occasions where I’d wanted him to hurt like I was. But not like this … and now I was left wondering that if perhaps this was all my fault, was Karma giving me a great big bitch slap for thinking such horrible thoughts?
Finally flushing the toilet I wiped my mouth on some toilet paper and silently accepted the glass of water and toothbrush that Kenny was offering me, briefly brushing my teeth on autopilot before staring at him for any further insights.
‘That’s all I can tell you, Stella, I don’t know anything else.’ Kenny was looking more anxious by the second, my usually laid back friend had seemingly turned into a mass of uncomfortable, nervous energy. ‘Come on, he’s at the Princess Grace Hospital, I’ll drive you over.’
Unconscious
. I felt numb and simply stared blindly forwards as Kenny led me through the flat towards the front door, feeling like my brain was detached from the rest of my body as my feet moved on autopilot, stepping one in front of the other. Nathan, the only man I’d ever loved and the father of the baby inside my belly was unconscious and in hospital.
We didn’t speak a word on the journey through London. Not one single syllable. Kenny seemed to understand my need for silence and merely helped me into the car and after giving my leg an encouraging squeeze set about getting us there as quickly as he could. Given the boundaries of the speed limits and the numerous bloody speed cameras lining the wet London streets he did a pretty amazing job. As soon as we were parked he guided my dazed body into the main entrance with a firm hand on my lower back and after a heated discussion with a woman on reception he turned to me and indicted for me to move closer, which I just about managed on my unfeeling legs. ‘Only direct family are allowed up.’ he informed me in a low voice before turning back to the receptionist, ‘This is his girlfriend, she’s having his child for God’s sake, can’t you make an exception?’
The girl looked at me. She couldn’t have been older than twenty at a guess, and as she took in my no doubt dreadful appearance – deep in shock, un-showered, no make-up on, and still in my sleep shirt which was quite possibly covered in vomit – I saw her eyes soften as she bit her lip and relented. ‘Let me make a call to the ward and see what I can do. Take a seat.’
Emotionlessly nodding my gratitude I turned to the rows of plastic chairs in the waiting room and slumped into the nearest one, watching as Kenny took up a furious pacing across the vinyl floor of the waiting area. Bless him, he was usually so laid back about everything that I’d never seen him this agitated.
This floor was hideous. Although the one advantage to the mosaic of green, purple, and orange squares was that it had a vaguely numbing effect if you stared at it for long enough. I lost track of time, my eyes roaming almost sightlessly over the jumble of coloured tiles as if in a trance, when suddenly I felt a hand touch my shoulder causing me to jerk in surprise. Looking up I expected to see Kenny, but instead I found, Nicholas towering over me, his once handsome face now looking haggard, pale, and exhausted.
‘Stella, thank fuck you’re here,’ he murmured in way of greeting as I pushed myself to standing on wobbly legs. He hesitated, briefly swaying towards me and looking like he desperately wanted to hug me, as if he needed the reassurance of contact as much as I did, but then gathered his cool composure and took a step back. ‘I don’t know why they didn’t let you up, I left yours and Rebecca’s names with the reception as permitted visitors just in case you turned up. Come on, I’ll take you up to him.’
Turning to Kenny he nodded at me.
‘I’ll pop home and grab you a change of clothes, Stella, call me if you need anything babe, I mean it,
anything
,’ Kenny muttered thickly as he pulled me into his arms for a strong hug. I suspected Kenny was close to tears, as was I, but somehow I felt so detached from everything at the moment that the tears just wouldn’t come.
Extracting myself stiffly from Kenny’s embrace I nodded and then turned to Nicholas, who silently guided me towards a block of lifts. Jabbing the button for the fifth floor the doors closed and Nicholas let out a long breath before running his hands roughly over his face. My chest tightened because his gesture was achingly similar to the move Nathan had done when he’d found out about the baby. Swallowing my pointless sentimentality I folded my arms around my body and asked the question at the forefront of my mind, ‘How is he, Nicholas?’ I whispered, my voice reedy and thin as I held my breath, utterly terrified of what his answer might be.
His dark blue eyes met mine and my stomach churned with distress at the look of raw pain and fear that I saw. ‘Unconscious. He’s got swelling on his brain, but it’s going down every day and the doctors are pleased with his progress. Initially they had him sedated to keep him unconscious whilst the swelling lessened, but they’ve stopped the drugs now. The consultant expected him to wake up yesterday, but he didn’t.’ There really was no way to sugar coat news like that, was there? Turning away from me Nicholas ground his jaw together and stared up at the display in the lift which seemed to be taking forever as I tried to absorb his news.
The consultant expected him to wake up yesterday, but he didn’t
… That really didn’t sound good at all and regardless of how much I knew Nathan would hate it, I started to chew mercilessly on my lower lip.
Nicholas gazed down at the floor, giving me a chance to look over him. His dark blue eyes were dull and bloodshot, his hair greasy and dishevelled, and his usually handsome face was pale and drawn. At a guess I’d say Nicholas hadn’t slept much recently, if at all, which made me question exactly when all this had occurred.
‘What happened?’ I croaked as the lift finally came to a stop and the doors slid open to reveal the orangey lighting of a fancy looking hospital corridor, empty except for the impersonal chairs lining its sides, a water machine, and the horrible low buzz of the lights.
Nicholas walked out first, pausing to let me catch up with him. ‘Nathan was in his car, pulling out of a shopping centre when a lorry smashed into the side of him.’ His voice was low and gravelly and barely loud enough to hear, but as the words sunk in I felt a new wave of nausea threatening to creep up on me again. ‘The driver of the lorry had a heart attack at the wheel, it wasn’t his fault. Nathan was just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.’
Now it was my turn to rub my hands over my face as the awful reality hit me, Nathan’s car had been hit by a lorry. His small sports car … it stood no chance against a truck. Gulping in air I struggled to swallow as gruesome images of Nathan trapped inside a twisted ball of metal flooded my mind. ‘When did it happen?’
‘Friday morning, around about eleven o’clock.’ Nicholas said, not elaborating any further as he had paused at a door labelled ‘Private Suite 10a’. ‘He looks pretty bad, Stella,’ he explained awkwardly in preparation, before he opened the door and ushered me inside.
As I entered the room I lost myself in a strange, lonely bubble for a few seconds. Subconsciously I must have needed something to ground me, because my brain latched on to the steady beep, beep, beep of Nathan’s heart monitor as my glazed eyes tried to take in the alien scene before me. Nathan, the man I loved, the man whose baby was nestled in my stomach, was lying in a hospital bed surround by machines and hooked up to so many tubes and pipes that I could barely comprehend it, let alone stand it. A full body shudder shook through me, leaving me covered in prickling goose pimples as every hair on my body seemed to stand up at once. I wanted to run into the corridor and demand a doctor come and wake him up, or rip the tubes from his body myself and kiss him awake, but as the cold reality settled around me again I realised that neither of these options were a possibility, this scene here and now was my new reality, I was awake, and Nathan was very seriously ill.