Enlightened (24 page)
Breaking me from my unpleasant reverie Nathan smirked down at me. ‘Hang on, isn’t this that ratty old T-shirt you sometimes sleep in at your house?’ he asked, craning his neck to inspect it further, making me blush. ‘Yes. It was what I was wearing when I found out you were in here,’ I explained quietly, ‘It was also the last thing I was wearing when you were at my house before the accident … it seemed sentimental somehow, so I’ve not taken it off.’
‘I thought you smelt a bit,’ Nathan joked, giving me a squeeze on a ticklish spot by my hip and making me relax and giggle again.
‘I have showered, Nathan!’ I replied with mock indignation, ‘I’ve just put it back on afterwards.’ I knew I didn’t smell, the nurses had even washed the T-shirt for me at one point, lending me a less than flattering nightie to wear in the meantime, but thinking about it, it was pretty disgusting to wear the same clothing for nearly three days straight.
Nathan might have made some jokes about too many layers between us, but clearly exhaustion was affecting him too, because he left me dressed and simply pulled me against him with a happy sigh. We laid together in companionable silence for several minutes, each lost in our own thoughts until Nathan shifted slightly so he could look me in the eye. The suddenly serious expression on his face made my stomach plummet and instantly woke me up. ‘Stella … I want to talk about that day, about our argument.’
Shaking my head vigorously I frowned. I didn’t want to think about that day ever again; the bone deep, gut wrenching sense of rejection I’d felt, then finding out about the accident … it was all to raw, too much to go through again. ‘No, it’s in the past, Nathan, let’s work from here, shall we?’ It was childish of me to try and ignore it, but the thought of hearing Nathan voice any uncertainty about the baby, me, or our relationship, terrified me.
‘No, Stella, I need to say this. I acted like an idiot and probably gave you completely the wrong impression. I’m so excited that you’re having our baby,’ he paused to smile down at me, and to my delight the truth was obvious in his features, he
really
meant it, ‘… and I was that day too … although I’ll admit it was a bit of a shock at the time. But then when you said you were twelve weeks pregnant and hadn’t told me …’ He shook his head, his eyes drifting away as a frown puckered his brows, ‘I couldn’t think of any reason that you would have kept it from me, apart from if you didn’t think I’d be a good father …’ Before I could interrupt to correct him Nathan continued, his face twisting with the memories, ‘The idea that you kept it secret really hurt me, so instead of showing you that you were wrong, I acted like an idiot and stormed off. I’ll do it differently this time, Stella, I’ll prove myself to you.’
He ran his good hand up and down my arm in agitation and my heart just about broke for how little credit he gave himself. I’d have told him there and then how much I believed in him, but my throat was too constricted with new tears and he continued before I got a chance. ‘I’d gone to the shops to get you some more ginger teabags and things that might be useful and I was planning on coming straight back to your house and apologising …’ His voice trialled off and finally I had the chance to swallow back my tears and correct him on his mistakes.
Pushing myself up to sitting I crossed my legs and grabbed his hand tightly in mine. ‘I didn’t think you’d be a bad father!’ I exclaimed desperately, ‘I’d only just found out a few days before, I was in shock too.’ It had actually been more like a week, so that was a little white lie, but the part about being in a state of shock was one hundred per cent true. ‘The reason I didn’t tell you is that I was getting used to it myself, I … I was scared you would be annoyed. I didn’t think you wanted kids – in fact, I got the feeling that you were totally against it.’
‘What gave you that idea?’ he asked, looking genuinely confused.
Biting my lip I decided that honesty was needed from here on out. ‘Well, after your childhood it would be totally understandable. Plus, when we saw Melissa and you briefly thought the baby was yours, you looked utterly horrified at the idea.’
Pausing, Nathan frowned before nodding thoughtfully, ‘I
was
horrified, because it was Melissa, not
you
. Melissa was just a casual acquaintance really, as awful as it sounds she was pretty much just a plaything, although that’s how she wanted it too. I wouldn’t dream of having a child in a situation like that.’ Tugging my hand up he placed a gentle kiss on my knuckles. ‘What I have with you is different from anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. Entirely different. God, I love you so much.’ He groaned, kissing my hand again, but this time followed up by tugging me back to lay beside him and landing a kiss on my lips that had far more intent. The sound of him saying the ‘L’ word was so magical I decided to start a tally – so far that was three in less an hour.
Lifting his head so his eyes were just centimetres from mine Nathan reached down under the covers and gently stroked over my belly again, his eyes never left mine once as his hand then pushed under my T-shirt until it settled on my bare skin. Rubbing the tip of his nose around mine in a sweetly affectionate gesture Nathan smiled. ‘I can’t believe our child is in there,’ he whispered in awe.
What I couldn’t believe however, was the growing erection that I suddenly felt pressing against my upper leg. Raising an eyebrow I looked at him disapprovingly, but in response he just grinned his full watt ‘knock-’em-dead-Jackson’ smile which just made my heart melt. ‘What? I find the idea of you pregnant with my baby,
our baby
, incredibly arousing. I’m not going to apologise for it, Stella.’
The horrific stress of the last few days seemed to finally be dissipating from my body as I shook my head in amusement and couldn’t help but join in his good mood. ‘You certainly have made a quick recovery!’ I joked dryly, before straightening my face and biting my lower lip. ‘For the record, I think you’ll be an amazing dad, Nathan. We might have to work on your over protectiveness a bit though … and your swearing.’ I was expecting Nathan to make a joke of my remark, or perhaps tickle me for being cheeky, but he didn’t, instead his face opened up and softened with emotion, possibly more than I’d even seen it in all the time we’d been together.
‘Really?’ he whispered, uncertainty clear in his tone, ‘You really think I’ll be a good dad?’ And from just those hesitantly spoken words I could tell he was both excited about the prospect of bringing a child into the world with me, and also utterly terrified that he might let the baby down if he turned out to be like his father.
His hand unconsciously gripped me tighter as he waited for my reply. ‘I do, Nathan,’ I agreed with a sage nod, and I really genuinely did, deep down to my core. Yes, he was sometimes irrational, domineering, and fiercely protective of me, but when I really thought about it I saw these as intrinsically good traits that showed that he truly cared.
Leaning forwards Nathan placed a gentle, loving kiss on my lips and made a contented humming noise in the back of his throat as I accidentally deepened the kiss and pushed my tongue against the seam of his lips before slipping it into his mouth. I say accidentally, but really I just couldn’t help myself around him, even bandaged up in a hospital bed I found Nathan irresistible, and after days of thinking I might never get the chance to kiss him again I was fully intent on making up for lost time.
‘So, how does this work then? If I’m going to be a good dad to our baby, do I have to become all boring and domesticated, or can I still be kinky and an outrageously good lover?’ he murmured against my lips, causing me to immediately laugh into his open mouthed kiss. There it was. There was the arrogant, jokey remark I had expected earlier. Although to be honest he
was
an outrageously good lover, so it wasn’t really that much of a joke.
‘Oh yes, kinky can stay, as long as it’s done in private,’ I replied, sliding a hand down his chest towards the waistband of his pyjama bottoms. ‘In fact I think I might make that one of the stipulations of our relationship.’
‘I agree, we’re going to need stipulations, but we can discuss them later.’ He breathed hotly against my cheek. A small frown tweaked my brows, I’d been joking, but his tone actually sounded rather serious. Deciding it was my lusty state making me hear things I moaned as Nathan’s tongue circled on my neck before he kissed along my jaw with small nibbling motions that quickly began to drive me wild.
I was almost beyond speech but it vaguely occurred to me that I really needed to stop this – he was in recovery and we were in a hospital bed for goodness sakes. Even knowing that I couldn’t seem to find the effort to pull away, ‘Yes, stipulations are important … daddy duties include changing your fair share of nappies and being tolerant of me when I’m atrociously hormonal and fat …’ Nathan’s good hand slid from my belly up my stomach towards my chest, making me arch my bra clad breast into his hand and gasp as he gently kneaded its weight, ‘Oh! That’s good!’ I gasped, ‘Your other duties include providing me with frequent sex, kinky or otherwise, and generally indulging my every whim and desire.’ That was it, I was done with talking, my body now flooded with arousal and desperate for Nathan. If I had any sense I’d be climbing out of this bed and putting some distance between the two of us, but quite apparently my common sense had flown right out of the window tonight.
‘Indulging your every whim and desire?’ he enquired smoothly as he slipped his fingers inside my bra and began to play with my already erect and needy nipple. ‘And would one of those whims be to have sex in a hospital bed, I wonder?’ he murmured.
It really shouldn’t be, but, oh God I wanted him. Clenching my jaw so hard that my teeth hurt, I used my very last shred of control and pulled back to smile sheepishly at him. ‘Nathan … we need to stop,’ I gasped breathlessly, ‘… you’ve only just woken up after almost five days of unconsciousness. I don’t want to get you over-excited.’
Nathan wiggled his eyebrows cheekily at my words. ‘I think it’s too late for that,’ he murmured, thrusting his hips and eyeing the impressive bulge in the sheet that his erection was making. Giggling, I gave him an apologetic look. ‘I was actually referring to your head,’ I said, gently stroking the bandage with my fingertips as a frown puckered my brows. ‘You had pressure on your brain from the accident, I know the doctor said it’s basically back to normal, but I don’t want to take any chances. As much as I’d love to jump you right now, let’s just snuggle for tonight and then when you have a full bill of health we can pick up from here.’
Nathan turned his head so he could kiss my palm and made a groaned noise of protest, then with a rueful grin he nodded, pulled me back down against his chest, and for once in his life, followed my orders and fell asleep.
Talk about a shocking few days. I don’t think I ever want to go without mobile signal again, not after the horrific dread that had settled over me when I’d arrived back at Gatwick and switched on my phone to hear the numerous beeps as my phone updated a stack of missed calls and text messages. The inbox of my phone had been completely filled until it couldn’t accept any more messages. Seeing my mobile go loopy with flashing message alerts had made me instinctively wary, and then seeing that all the calls were from Nicholas my stomach had dropped with apprehension before I’d even listened to his first message. I have to admit, I’d immediately assumed the worst, thinking that perhaps something had happened to one of my parents, or perhaps even to Nicholas himself.
Ugh
. A shudder ran through me as I thought about it, but I tried to shake it off – we were home now, and thankfully Nathan was going to be OK.
Nicholas had been incredibly quiet in the car on the way home, but then, so had I. Both of us were exhausted after the virtually sleepless nights at the hospital, so I’d put his silence down to tiredness, although I had yet to ask him about the strange encounter with the woman at the hospital. I’d been too far away to hear what they were saying, but the meeting had certainly seemed to shake him up.
It was only as we reached the door to his house and I watched him struggle to get the key in the lock that I realised just how fraught he was. Stepping closer I frowned as I saw his hand visibly shaking at the lock. Not entirely sure what the problem was I decided to get him inside before broaching the subject, so I simply took his trembling hand in mine, gently removed the key from his fingers, and unlocked the front door.
Stepping into the hallway I switched on the lamp and guided Nicholas inside. It was still practically the middle of the night so Mr Burrett wouldn’t be around for another few hours yet, which seeing Nicholas’ current state, was probably a good thing. ‘Nicholas? Are you OK?’ I asked softly, placing myself in front of him and tentatively taking both his hands into mine. God, he was shaking so much that I could feel his whole body trembling.
Closing his eyes I watched as Nicholas tensed his jaw and drew in several deep breaths through his nose, his nostrils flaring with the effort of each one. ‘Your brother is going to be OK, Nicholas,’ I reassured him, assuming that concern for Nathan was the cause of his distress. His eyes stayed shut, but Nicholas shook his head slowly. ‘I know. It’s not that.’ Now I really was at a loss for what to do or say. If it wasn’t his brother’s accident upsetting him then I had no clue what the matter was.
Just then Nicholas’ blue eyes opened and focused on mine, his face disturbingly pale in the dim lamplight. ‘I am so fucking glad to get out of that place,’ he said suddenly. ‘That’s the first time I’ve been back in a hospital since …’ An even bigger shudder ran through his body and in response he pulled me into his arms and held me against his chest as his muscles continued to twitch and convulse around me. It was like he was in shock or something. ‘… since my suicide attempt,’ he finished in a low tone. My body softened against his in sympathy at his words and I winced as I remembered his recount of that awful night; his whole horrific childhood. My poor, troubled man. I loved him so much that it hurt.
‘Even the smell of the antiseptic and disinfectant took me right back to that night,’ he said grittily. ‘And the noises of the machines …’ This time the jerk than ran through him shook me as well, but all I could do was bury my face in his chest and hope that my touch was reassuring for him.
‘Apparently I was unconscious for a while from the loss of blood,’ he explained, ‘But I was aware of everything around me for quite some time before I could actually move or communicate. It was so surreal. I could hear the machines beeping and feel people touching me but I couldn’t respond … one of the nurses even commented that my heart rate had changed slightly, but I was totally able to communicate with her.’ Shifting me in his arms he let out a huge long breath and lowered his head so his face was buried in my hair. ‘The last few days were horrendous enough, but then as we were leaving the hospital it got worse …’ Wondering what he meant I leant back and saw that Nicholas’ eyes were closed, an agonising expression on his face.
‘That woman,’ he said quietly. ‘The one outside Nathan’s room before we left?’ I nodded, even though his eyes were shut and he wouldn’t be able to see me. ‘That was my mother.’
The spacious hallway suddenly felt claustrophobic as the air stilled in my lungs. His mother? I felt Nicholas shudder as his grip tightened on me, and in return my own fingers curled around his waist and pulled him more firmly against me.
‘Your mother?’ I whispered, too horrified to vocalise anything remotely useful or supportive.
‘Indeed.’ Nicholas’ eyes opened, and the coldness there made me shiver, although his expression definitely warmed when he finally focused on me again.
‘Seeing as all the memories of my suicide attempt had been crashing down on me for the last few days it was particularly spectacular timing on her behalf,’ he commented dryly. But I suspect his weak humour was merely a way of deflecting the pain he was feeling. ‘Apparently she’s been keeping tabs on Nathan and me for all these years.’ His voice was almost devoid of emotion now. ‘When she got news of Nathan’s accident she got on a flight from the States to see him.’
It seemed bizarre to me that his mother would care about the wellbeing of her sons now, as she clearly hadn’t given a toss about them when she’d knowingly allowed their father to beat them as children, but I stayed quiet, allowing Nicholas to recount this evenings meeting to me.
‘She said she’d never wanted us to get hurt …’ Nicholas swallowed loudly, ‘Blamed it all on Dad for being too overbearing, and said she had been too scared to do anything to stop him.’ I watched as his lower lip took a battering between his teeth until the flesh had visibly reddened. ‘Every word was bullshit. She never really cared for us, Nathan was the only one to show me any affection or care as a kid.’ Running a hand through his hair Nicholas then rubbed at his stubbly chin. Wow. This had to be so incredibly hard for him, and yet I seemed to have nothing useful to say at all.
‘Did she want to get back in contact with you for good?’ I asked quietly.
Nicholas rolled off his neck, and I winced at the audible click. ‘She did, tried to give me her phone number, but I refused it. To be honest, I think she’s only sought us out now because she wants some of our money. She claimed she spent her last cash on the flight over, and did you see her clothes? They were a mess. But that was probably all a staged lie too.’ Looking down at me his gaze connected with mine, his eyes fierce with a mixture of pain, but also a renewed strength. ‘I told her to fuck off,’ he muttered. ‘She had her chance when we were kids. Dad was formidable, but he never forced her to stay. She could have done something to get us all away if she’d really wanted.’
Shifting me in his arms Nicholas sighed and then placed a kiss on the top of my head. ‘You are my family now, Rebecca. You, Nathan, and Stella. That’s all I need.’
Nodding I snuggled into his chest. Seeing his mother again must have been incredibly upsetting, but I couldn’t help but agree that he was better off without her in his life.
‘Let’s put this behind us now, OK?’ he asked quietly, to which I nodded, although one thing did pop into my mind.
‘Will you tell Nathan?’ I enquired.
Nicholas winced. ‘I don’t know. Perhaps in the future, but not yet, he needs to concentrate on his recovery. Besides, I know he would react the same way as me. He wants nothing to do with either of our parents now.’
‘I’m sorry about all this,’ he suddenly mumbled into my hair causing my eyebrows to rise, I couldn’t believe he was apologising. ‘You don’t need to apologise, Nicholas,’ I murmured softly, wondering what I could do that would help him stow away thoughts of his dreadful past again and ease his tension. ‘Come on, let’s go upstairs. Let me bathe you. Clean away the memories and the hospital smell.’ I stepped from his embrace and started leading him towards the stairs.
Following me obediently he gave my hand a squeeze. ‘That’s a nice offer, but I’ll be OK, it’s late, Rebecca, you’re tired, we both are. I’ll be fine now we’re home,’ he murmured, and while he might have been calming a little I could still feel his grip tensing around mine with an occasional spasm.
Stepping into the master bedroom I let go of his hand and quickly switched on the bedside lamps, feeling intent on looking after him even after his attempted dismissal of the idea. He was usually the strong one and cared for me, so it was only fair that I repaid the favour when he clearly needed it so badly. ‘Nicholas, we’ve had so little sleep in the past few days that half an hour longer won’t make a difference. Let me make you feel better, baby. Please?’
Walking back towards him I raised my eyebrows hopefully and saw the dimple in his cheek appear as he smiled his cute, shy smile – the smile he reserved just for me. ‘OK. Thank you, Rebecca.’
Practically skipping into the bathroom before he could change his mind I turned on the bath taps, popped in the plug, added a decent glug of bath foam, and then turned to find him leaning on the doorframe watching me with amusement. His hands were in the pockets of his crumpled suit trousers and his shirt was a crease-ridden mess, making him look scruffy and tired, but still so handsome to me. ‘A bath? I assumed you meant a quick shower,’ he commented as I crossed the space and reached up to undo his top button.
‘A bath will be more relaxing, which is just what you need right now. Besides, with the amazing taps you have it will be full enough in no time.’
As the bathroom began to fill will the sweet smell of orange blossom – still my favourite scent – I finished undoing his buttons and slipped the shirt from his broad shoulders. He was being very compliant, which made me smile, but I didn’t pass comment, merely made the most of it and quickly dispatched of his trousers so he was stood in just a pair of rather fine black boxer shorts. Hmm. My eyes narrowed and I licked my lips; Nicholas in boxer shorts was one of my favourite sights in the entire world.
Checking the temperature of the water I nodded with satisfaction and quickly peeled away my own clothes before chucking them straight in the wash basket, turning around, and holding out a hand to him.
Taking my invitation Nicholas pushed off from the door frame and with his gaze fixed on mine he casually slipped his boxers down his legs and stepped out of them. As much as I tried to keep my eyes on his, I couldn’t help just the tiniest peek at the taut body parts that he was exposing and I felt my heart quicken in my chest. Apparently he wasn’t
that
upset or tired then. It took quite a forceful thought to remind myself that this was about making him feel better, not about sex. So when he reached my outstretched hand and placed his palm in mine, I was super self-controlled and led him straight into the bath water without so much as a second glance at his glorious tackle.
Leaving the taps running I lowered myself into the water first, which was a bit of a mistake because it put his groin right at my eye level. The temptation to lean forwards and lick him was almost overwhelming, but instead I leant back against the curved bath end and opened my legs underneath the rising bubbles. ‘Sit,’ I instructed, indicating that he should sit between my legs. Once again following my instructions Nicholas folded his long legs down into the water and then with a gentle encouragement from me leaned himself back so he was reclining with his back on my chest.
Almost immediately he tried to lean forwards, but I wrapped my legs around his waist to halt him. ‘But I’ll squash you,’ he protested.
‘No you won’t. Just relax.’
He didn’t entirely relax, but Nicholas did at least lay back again, which caused me to hum happily in his ear and tuck my hands underneath his arms so they were laying on his chest.
After a few moments I felt the remaining tension in Nicholas’ body completely dissipate on top of me, and smiled. OK so he was squashing me a little bit, but after how distraught he’d looked earlier it was worth it. The tub was full enough now so I turned off the taps and allowed the quiet of the bathroom to surround us. The only sounds over the next fifteen minutes or so were the gentle popping of the bubbles and our slow, relaxed breathing as I felt my eyes closing, tiredness creeping up on me again now that my body was warm and happy.
‘This is really good,’ Nicholas murmured sleepily, turning his head to kiss my upper arm. ‘You’re amazing, Becky, thank you.’ His soft endearment made me smile and even in my drowsy state I managed to sum up enough energy to pick up the sponge and shower gel and start to wash him.
Once we were both scrubbed clean of any remaining traces of the hospital we quietly dried ourselves on two huge bath sheets before Nicholas scooped me into his arms and carried me to the bed.
A sigh of pleasure escaped my lips as he lay me down under the soft sheets and I grinned – after catnapping on spare hospital beds for the last few days I can honestly say that his bed had never felt so bloody good. As Nicholas climbed in behind me he pulled me against his body and slipped his arm around my waist until we were as close as we could possibly be. Interlocking my fingers with his I felt my eyelids closing almost immediately. As sensual as the bath together had been I knew we were both too tired for any sex, besides, after the run in with his mother it hardly seemed an appropriate time either. But we were together, safe and happy, and so it really didn’t seem necessary. We could always make up for it tomorrow once we were more refreshed. Besides, I knew from first-hand experience that morning sex was when Nicholas was at his most inventive, so I didn’t mind delaying for a few hours one little bit.