Esrever Doom (Xanth) (29 page)

“I see,” Kody said. This was wild, but not significantly worse than other aspects of Xanth he had encountered.

Kody is the dreamer,
Naomi said.
He might be able to do it.

“I am the dreamer,” Kody agreed. “This provides me with a certain interest in dreams. I think I would like to meet this night scallion.”

“Stallion,” Yukay said quickly. “Do not fool with his name.”

“I just thought he might know his onions.”

No one laughed. “He is Trojan, the horse of a different color,” Yukay said.

“I think we could use the ghosts’ help,” Kody said. “So let me go meet Trojan. Maybe he will be reasonable.”

“Reasonable by his definition may not be reasonable by ours,” Yukay said darkly. “I think we had all better come along.”

“So I won’t screw up?”

“Exactly.”

Well, he had asked.

I’ll come too,
Naomi thought.
I want to check out that haunted house anyway.

“Then we’ll need to find about six gourds,” Yukay said.

“Squawk.”

“You can sniff them out? Go to it. We’ll bring them back here.”

Zap moved off. Yukay and Ivan went with her.

“I wonder,” Kody said. “From your description, a gourd is a kind of mind bomb. Sniffer?”

The robot put out a puff of smoke and started moving. Kody followed, and Zosi went with him. Soon it came to a patch of gourds. “That’s it!” Zosi said.

Yes, it is,
Naomi agreed.

They harvested three ripe gourds and brought them back to where they had started from. From the other direction came Zap, with Ivan carrying one and Yukay with one. They had five gourds. “We’re missing one,” Kody said.

“We need one person to mount guard over the unconscious bodies,” Yukay said. “To prevent molestation, and to break the connection after an hour so we don’t get locked in.”

“Once you’re in, you can’t get out on your own,” Zosi explained. “Someone has to break your eye connection.”

Oh. “Who is staying behind?”

“I will,” Ivan said. “The gourd realm gives me the creeps. Anyway, I can keep Sniffer stoked, too.”

“Good enough,” Yukay agreed. “Now we will each take a gourd, lie down comfortably, and peer into the peephole. We’ll need to hold hands or whatever, to be sure we all arrive in the same place.”

This did not make a lot of sense to Kody, but he didn’t argue. He lay down as they did, including Zap, with his gourd before him. Then he reached out to take Zosi’s hand on one side, and the ghost’s hand on the other, trusting that Naomi would maintain the contact. She in turn reached out to touch one of Zap’s paws, and Zap’s other paw was taken by Yukay, who in turn took Zosi’s other hand. Then, more or less together, they lowered their heads to gaze into their peepholes.

Curious, Kody delayed slightly. He saw the others go seemingly unconscious as their eyes connected. Then he oriented on his own peephole.

He stood in a gloomy fall setting, with gaunt acorn trees surrounding a rickety gate in turn surrounding a rickety old house lurking under a rickety greenish full moon. There seemed to be an ill-kept graveyard behind it. There were faint lights in the cracked windows of the house. It certainly looked forbidding.

“All present?” Yukay asked. “We don’t have to maintain contact here; we’re in. But we don’t want to get separated from each other either. This is not a fun place to be lost in.”

“Squawk,” Zap agreed for all of them.

Yukay did a double-take. “I just realized: the Curse is not in force here. You look handsome, Kody.”

“Thank you,” Kody said indifferently. “You all look the same to me.”

“Dream on. And you, Naomi, look real.”

“I suppose ghosts do, in the dream realm,” Naomi said, pleased. “I wonder if I feel real too?”

“You just want a pretext to smooch Kody.”

“Of course.” She approached Kody. “Do I feel real to you?”

“I’m not sure.” So here in Xanth’s dream realm she could talk naturally.

“Well, you have to touch me.” She took his hand and set it on her bare bottom. His vision blurred, but he didn’t quite freak out.

“You feel real,” he agreed.

“Are you sure?” She stepped into him, pressed her bare upper body close, and kissed him. It was one hot smooch.

“Yes,” he said somewhat breathlessly.

“I didn’t see little hearts. Maybe the contact wasn’t firm enough. Maybe I should try a gourd apology for my presumption.”

“All
right,
” Zosi snapped.

Naomi withdrew, smiling obscurely.

Faintly nettled, Kody took hold of Zosi and kissed her. Little hearts flew out. When they separated, the obscure smile had somehow migrated to Zosi’s face.

Then he remembered another obscurity. “What’s a gourd apology?”

“I will be happy to demonstrate,” Naomi said.

“You will
not,
” Zosi said severely.

“I will explain,” Yukay said quickly. “A gourd apology is an expression of regret in the form of a kiss. If that isn’t effective, the apologizer tries again, with more feeling. If that still doesn’t do it, s/he makes a phenomenal effort. Normally gourd apologies are effective, especially when rendered by comely young women.”

“Oh. Now I understand.” He also understood why Zosi did not want Naomi making one to him, whatever the pretext.

“Now the most practical route to the interior is through the haunted house,” Yukay said. “But I’m not sure of the route to the Night Stallion.”

“Squawk.”

“That so?” Yukay asked, surprised. “He will come to us, once he’s sure we are serious? Then let’s get serious.” She turned, opened the rickety gate, and marched toward the house. The others followed her.

There was a huge ornate knocker on the decrepit door. Yukay lifted it and let it fall. It punched a hole in the door, and fragments of rotten wood rained down.

They waited, but nothing happened. Finally Yukay put her hand on the doorknob and turned it. It came out in her hand, leaving another hole. “Bleep!” she swore.

“Just pull it open,” Zosi suggested.

Yukay put her fingers in the doorknob hole and pulled, and the door fell off its rusted-out hinges and crashed to the ground beside them.

“I think the maintenance has been neglected,” Kody said, keeping a straight face.

“I think Trojan is toying with us,” Yukay muttered. “He knows we’re here.”

A sheetlike ghost appeared in the doorway. “Booo!” it cried.

“Oh, go stuff it up your pillowcase,” Yukay snapped, and walked in, passing through the ghost. The ghost looked annoyed as it faded out.

They faced a gloomy hall. There was a clomping sound as a pair of body-less shoes tramped toward them.

“Maybe I can handle this,” Kody said. He reached down, picked up the shoes, and put them on his own feet in place of his regular shoes. “Now take us to your master,” he said.

The shoes struggled to get free of his feet, but couldn’t. So they walked on into the house. Kody, sensitive to their impetus, walked with them. No other spooks manifested; they had evidently gotten the word.

They walked right on through the house and into the graveyard behind. “Where are the zombies?” Yukay asked. “There are supposed to be zombies.”

“There’s a shortage of zombies all over,” Zosi reminded her. “That’s my mission.” Then she clouded up.

Kody, realizing that she had been reminded of her own dilemma, put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed. She leaned into him appreciatively.

The shoes took them on through the graveyard and to a high fence that evidently marked the next setting. It seemed the shoes wanted to get this done with so they could get off his alien feet.

There was a stile surmounting the fence. The shoes guided Kody onto the stile and over the fence. He held on carefully, distrusting this, but there were no problems. Then he held the stile firmly in place so Yukay could cross next. As she swung her leg over the top he got a glimpse up under her skirt; fortunately he was able to jam his eyes shut before her panties freaked him out.

“I’m down,” she said, amused. “You can look now.”

He opened his eyes. “Did you do that on purpose?”

“Of course. How else was I to get over the fence?”

That wasn’t exactly the answer he had sought.

Naomi appeared, walking through the fence. She looked solid here, but evidently retained her ghostly nature. “You may have chosen Zosi, but we still have flashing rights, when we can do it by seeming accident. Isn’t it similar in Mundania?”

“Maybe.”

Zosi came over, managing to do it without exposing anything beyond her knees. Finally Zap flew over.

Now they surveyed the setting ahead of them. It was a vast sea of oil, with a tiny white-sand beach and roiling storm clouds beyond. There was a small rowboat almost at their feet.

“I don’t get it,” Yukay said. “Xanth doesn’t have seas of oil.”

Kody remembered something. “A few years back there was a bad oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, from a blown well below. It took months to shut off the flow, and they were afraid it would wash up on the shores and ruin the tourist trade. They never did get it cleaned up completely. I don’t think the executives responsible were ever brought to justice.”

“Some bad dreams do get exported to Mundania,” Yukay said. “Though I don’t see exactly how this relates.”

“Ho there!” someone called from the side. It was a goblin. “You must be the actor for this scene. You look Mundane.”

“I am Mundane,” Kody said. “However—”

“Good enough. Get in that boat.”

“But I’m no actor!”

“I don’t care what you are, you slacker! Get moving!” the goblin snapped. “We’re low on time. This bad dream is scheduled for delivery tonight.”

Now Kody saw other goblins, one carrying a portable movie camera.

“Don’t make a wave,” Yukay murmured. “We’re trying to get along here.”

Kody found himself getting into the rowboat, mainly by the urging of his shoes. Maybe they were getting back at him for preempting them. The goblin immediately pushed it out to sea. The wind was rising, bringing the storm rapidly closer, yet the tiny craft was going away from shore.

He grabbed the oars, trying to get the boat back to the beach. He saw the camera goblin orienting on him. He rowed, but didn’t have the hang of it, and the boat merely spun around.

Then the storm was upon him. The waves of oil became mountainous, lifting him high, then sucking him down into a trough. It was vaguely like a roller coaster, but more scary because there was no track to hold him in place. Oil leaked into the boat, soaking his clothes.

A fierce splash of oil smacked the boat, snapping off both oars. Then another wave picked it up, hauled it high into the sky, and hurled it and him into the awful depths.

Kody screamed.

“Cut!” the goblin chief yelled from somewhere.

The oil melted away. Kody found himself standing on a level floor, not even wet. “What?” he asked, confused.

“It’s a good take. Thanks,” the goblin said. “That guilty exec’s really going to get it tonight. Go on to your next scene.” He and the camera goblin hurried away, doubtless going to
their
next scene.

“I think you just starred in a spot dream intended for a guilty Mundane,” Yukay said. “Of course when the night mare delivers it, they’ll substitute the exec for you. You just marked the place so they could film it.”

“Glad I could be of service,” Kody said with a certain edge.

“In fact you did well, and we appreciate it,” a new voice said.

They turned to discover a magnificent dark stallion who scintillated luminescently. The girls, including Zap, wore expressions of awe.

“Trojan, I presume?” Kody said, not nearly as impressed by the talking horse.

“Well, I do know my onions.”

Uh-oh. “You heard my humor.”

“Indeed. I enjoy humor. Your performance here was hilarious.”

So the horse was teasing him back. “We came here to ask a favor.”

“Of course. The haunted house. And your nude ghost naga will surely make a fetching addition to it.”

Naomi blushed. Kody hadn’t realized that a ghost could do that.

“However, I am thinking of an exchange of favors.”

Uh-oh again. “Of what nature?” Kody asked.

“A bit of background. As you know, our night mares deliver bad dreams to deserving sleepers. But they are limited to darkness. Some evil-minded miscreants have taken to sleeping by day, so that the mares can’t reach them. In this manner they think to escape dream justice. That is annoying.”

“I appreciate that,” Kody said.

“We need to shield the mares from the rigors of day. So that they can reach those vexing perverts and do their duty by them.”

“Such as making a guilty oil executive dream of drowning in an oilstorm?”

“Actually that particular exec is reachable by night. The Demon Earth requested the dream, and we honor it as a courtesy. But there are others as guilty in their fashions, who are escaping justice. The principle is similar.”

There was something about this nightmare justice that Kody liked. “How can I help?”

“There is a shield in the form of a cape that will protect my mares from the rigors of daylight,” Trojan said. “It is out of my reach, but not out of yours.”

“Where?”

“Caprice Castle. They mistook it for a pun and stored it deep in their dungeon.”

“You are unable to visit Caprice?”

“Unable to transport a physical shield. It needs to be moved to my stall at Cape Can, where I will be able to make dream copies of it for my mares.”

“And if I move that cape to Can, you will allow the ghosts to occupy the haunted house?”

“That’s the deal,” Trojan said.

“Then I’ll do it.” Kody looked at Naomi. “Tell your friends.”

“As soon as I get out of here,” Naomi agreed, pleased.

“You may depart now,” the stallion said, glancing at her. He breathed out a jet of vapor. A cloud formed around her, and she vanished.

That impressed Kody. The Night Stallion was able to eject a dreamer from this dream realm, even when her eye was still locked on the peephole of the gourd.

Trojan turned back to Kody. “I like you. Therefore I will proffer some lagniappe. A token gift.” A piece of paper appeared in his mouth. “Take it.”