Esrever Doom (Xanth) (35 page)

“Wouldn’t the other Demons catch on?”

“Surely so. But they can’t make an accusation without proof.”

“Or investigate too openly,” Ivan said. “Demon protocols.”

“Thus I was brought on the scene,” Kody said. “To do the impossible.”

Yukay smiled. “Consider it a challenge.”

Kody was dreadfully sure that this was exactly the case.

15

N
O
A
MI

“What do you think?” Kody asked Zap.

“Squawk?” On her side was a question mark.

“I think you may be the most objective member of our party,” Kody said. “You came up with points the Demons considered valid, and showed the way to dealing with the Bogeyman. So now I want your input on how we should proceed.”

“Squawk.” And on her side was the word
NOAMI.

“We should deal with NoAmi first? Then what?”

“Squawk.”
FORNAX.

“And you have a way for mortals to deal with a capital D Demon?”

“Squawk,” she said affirmatively.

Now everyone focused on the griffin. “What is it?” Yukay asked.

“Squawk.”
MAKE HER ACT OPENLY
.

Yukay nodded. “Because this is Xanth, and any open interference would be an infraction of the Demon wager rules that the Demon Xanth can deal with. We just have to trick her, or taunt her into using her powers openly in Xanth, thus violating Demon protocols.” She took a breath. “There’s one small problem, though.”

“We’ll be dead,” Kody said.

“That’s the problem,” Yukay agreed.

“Squawk.”
NAOMI

“Ask Naomi, who is already dead,” Yukay agreed.

I am here. I stayed out of sight during the fight with the Bogeyman because the Demons could have seen me and asked questions. But I can tell you: being dead is no picnic. The frustration of being aware but helpless to act is enormous.

“But you and the other ghosts have helped us considerably,” Yukay said.

Because you can see and hear me. Few ghosts retain close enough contact with living friends to communicate effectively with them, and it took me some time to accomplish it. Don’t risk it.

“So we’re better off not dying,” Kody said dryly.

Yes.

“That means we should tackle NoAmi and the Bomb first, as Zap said,” Yukay said. “Then with the Curse lifted, we can see to Fornax. If we die then, at least we will have accomplished our Quest, and maybe made the Demoness act openly.”

“Small comfort,” Ivan said.

“I will try to make it up to you before we die.”

“Thank you,” he said, as dryly.

“So how can we deal with NoAmi?” Kody asked.

Just reach her and kill her before she can come up with anything else to throw at us.

“How far away is she now?” Yukay asked.

About half a day’s walk.

Kody nodded. “Let’s make camp here and sleep.”

“But the day is only half over,” Yukay protested.

“So we can travel by night, and come across her before morning.”

“By surprise,” Yukay said appreciatively.

“Squawk.”

She’s right. If my evil alter ego sees you sleeping early, she’ll know what you plan.

“Good point,” Kody agreed. “Then suppose we travel today, and camp before we reach her. Only it will be a mock camp, while we plow on in darkness to ambush her. We’ll lose some sleep, but we can catch up on that after we’ve dealt with No.”

That might work,
Naomi agreed.

They fired up Sniffer and moved west. They passed a configuration that looked rather like a female torso with an arm lifted. A man was digging in the armpit.

“Hello, stranger,” Kody said. “What’s up?”

“Her right arm,” the man replied.

Kody forced a smile. “I mean, what are you doing?”

“I am mining for gemstones,” the man said. “Here in the nymph lodes.”

“Jewel the Nymph plants assorted gems around Xanth for others to find,” Yukay explained. “The nymph lodes.”

Kody eyed the earthen torso. “Looks more like lymph nodes to me.” Then he got the pun. “Ouch!”

“I love the way you keep getting caught by routine Xanth puns,” Yukay said. “You have such a refreshing innocence.”

Foolishly irritated, Kody snapped back, “I love the way you flash me with your torn blouse.”

She glanced down. “I do need to change clothing. We all do, after that fight with the Bogeyman. We had better look for a place to wash and change.”

She was such a good sport that he was immediately sorry. “I apologize for looking.”

“Don’t. I’ll flash you more when I change.”

They came to a streamlet. Beside it was a bush growing somewhat old-looking clothes. Yukay and Zosi stripped and washed, showing everything, but Kody kept his eyes only on Zosi.

“I think you’re cheating,” Yukay complained.

“I don’t think so,” Zosi said.

“I dare you girls to do this again after the Bomb is off,” Ivan said, forcing himself to look briefly.

“Squawk,” Zap said, appreciating the interplay.

“It won’t make a difference to me,” Kody said. “Zosi is the only woman I want to see.”

Then Naomi flashed him.

“Bleep,” Zosi said. He seldom heard her swear.

“Remember, she’s untouchable,” he murmured.

Unfortunately true,
Naomi agreed.
Zosi, would you deny me one of the few pleasures I have left?

Zosi relented. “No.”

They dried and donned the replacement clothes, which were at least intact. “Suddenly I feel demoralized,” Yukay said.

“So do I,” Zosi said.

“Because you flashed us and we didn’t react?” Ivan asked. “That’s not your fault. I’m sure your magic is still there.”

“I don’t think that’s it,” Yukay said. “The Curse has been in place for days and I didn’t feel depressed. Frustrated, but not depressed. Now I’m depressed.”

“So am I,” Zosi said.

“And your man really appreciates you,” Yukay said. “That hasn’t changed. So you have no reason to be depressed.”

“Except that he can’t stay,” Zosi said.

Yukay reconsidered. “True. That
is
depressing.”

Ivan and Kody stripped and washed. Neither woman looked at either of them. They could handle the men clothed, but their ugliness was simply too much when they were bare by daylight.

“I forgot my chip!” Ivan said. “I could have used it and seen them both!”

Poor boy,
Naomi thought, amused.
Such a naughty chance, and you missed it.

“Maybe next time,” Kody said.

“Squawk,” Zap agreed, also amused.

Use your chip now, and I will flash you.

“You don’t count, ghost. You’re always bare.”

Even Sniffer seemed amused, puffing out little heart-shaped smoke balls.

They finished and harvested their own new clothing while Zap took her turn washing. The griffin had really gotten dirty, and the water of the river turned solid brown before she was through. That was why she had courteously waited until last.

Then Kody felt oddly disgruntled. His mood had been reasonably upbeat, but now it was downbeat, as though he had run afoul of significantly bad news. His Quest seemed largely unaccomplishable. How could he ever defeat NoAmi and turn off the Bomb? He had no idea how to accomplish it.

“Bleep, I’m worn out,” Ivan said. “What’s the point?”

“Squawk.”

They all looked at Zap. Her side said
CLOTHES.

“We all turned negative after donning these clothes,” Yukay said. “They must be careworn clothes, the kind worn by the Lady Care I heard about. Nothing bad happened to a person as long as he or she walked with Care. But what happened to all that badness she fended off? It could have stayed with her clothes; after she was through with them they were careworn. This bush picked up on the type and grows them.”

Kody refrained from groaning at the pun. They all stripped off their clothing, and this time Ivan remembered his chip and was very pleased. Until Yukay harvested fresh new panties from a pantree and put them on, catching him by surprise. Then, while Ivan remained freaked out, they foraged for and harvested better clothing. They were ready to move on.

They also harvested pies and milk pods and had a late-afternoon meal. “Why don’t we just camp right here for the night?” Yukay asked. “We can harvest tent halves and pitch tents and get some real rest before moving on tomorrow.”

“I’m for that,” Ivan agreed, holding his chip.

They made two tents, and got into them by nightfall. But instead of sleeping in them, they quietly crawled out, leaving them unoccupied.

Sniffer led them on to the west. Naomi and the ghosts guided them around bad sections, and Zap remained alert without flying so that she too was largely out of sight. Progress was slow, in the dark, but the ghosts assured them that they were now quite close.

We’re there,
Naomi thought.

The five of them paused, gazing at the scene ahead. Kody wasn’t sure what he had expected, if anything, but not this. It was a beautiful garden, its trees softly illuminated, with statues, hedges, fountains, and a lovely central pavilion. Within the pavilion was a soft bed, and on the bed a woman lay.

She’s not asleep.

So they could not pounce on NoAmi by surprise. She had fathomed their coming and was posing as vulnerable to lure them in.

“She must have guards,” Kody murmured. “Where are they?”

They are the statues. They will let you pass unchallenged, but will animate the moment she calls them.

Ah. Another cunning trap. “Then let’s nullify them.”

Kody advanced on the nearest statue, which was of a man holding a long spear. The man did not move, but Kody could tell that he was indeed alive and conscious, merely playing the part of a statue. In the relative darkness it was effective, and might have fooled Kody had he not been warned.

Kody touched a chip to the guard, tucking it into his hair. There was no apparent change, but now the man’s alertness had been reversed to sleeping in place.

Kody went to another and did the same thing. Then a third, and a fourth. There were six guards in all, circling the pavilion. Now all of them slumbered in place. He had, he hoped, neatly reversed the trap.

“Stay back,” Kody told the others. “You too, Sniffer. Keep watch. I don’t want to be surprised while I’m dealing with NoAmi.”

“We are watching,” Zosi said.

Kody walked up to the lighted pavilion. It was richly decorated and furnished. He saw that tent flaps could be dropped down to enclose it, rendering it abruptly private. NoAmi might do that when entertaining a man.

He came to the bed and stood gazing down at the supposedly sleeping woman. She was not old, but was the ugliest crone he had seen. Which, thanks to the Curse, made her seem like the loveliest woman in Xanth. She had evidently used that appearance to fascinate many men, gleaning their favors and getting them to do her dirty work.

“I think you know who I am, NoAmi,” he said.

NoAmi opened her eyes, no longer feigning sleep. She smiled languidly, and moved slightly so that her robe fell open. Unfortunately for her, her torso was singularly unappealing. Now Kody understood better why Ivan turned away when seeing the bodies of attractive women. They were like this, for him. “I have been expecting you, Kody Mundane.” She glanced beyond him. “And you too, alter ego.”

You sent me to my death.

“I sent you to track Kody. I can’t help it if you bungled it.”

The ghost was silent.

Kody was not pleased by the exchange. “My business can be simply accomplished. Give me the Bomb so that I can turn it off.”

“In due course. Abide with me here for a time.” Her robe fell farther open. She wore no slip or bra. She really needed both.

It won’t work. You can’t seduce him. He’s not reversed like the others.

“Hardly,” Kody said, referring to NoAmi’s invitation. “I am trying to conclude my business with you amicably. It’s an effort.”

“Indeed.” She shifted her position again, and the rest of her body came into view. She did wear panties, and she was flashing him with them. They would have freaked him out instantly, had they been on a full, firm bottom, but as it was they merely disgusted him.

“The Bomb,” he repeated.

“So it really is true, as my doting alter ego says: you are not affected by the Curse.”

“It is true, you grotesque hag,” he agreed. “Stop stalling.”

She snapped her fingers, summoning the guards.

Kody waited.

After about a moment and a half she realized that there was no response from the guards.
He nullified them with chips,
Naomi thought, pleased.

NoAmi was unruffled. “You are less stupid than I thought.”

“I should hope so, you wretched witch. Now shall we get on with it?”

NoAmi sighed. “I tried to make nice. This is the thanks I get for it?”

“You tried to deceive me. You tried to kill my friends. You have thrown all Xanth into misery. I am fed up with you. Now I mean to end it, amicably if at all possible, inimically if necessary.”

“Aren’t you even interested in my side of it?”

Kody feigned surprise. “You have a side?”

“Naomi and I were delivered as twins conjoined by sharing one organ: the soul. She got most of it, I but a little. That made her beautiful and nice, and the opposite for me. But it gave me one surpassing advantage.”

True.

Now Kody was curious. “What advantage?”

“She was unable to hurt people, or to practice malign deception. She was ineffective, being badly inhibited by decency. I, in contrast, had no difficulty doing whatever I deemed necessary, unrestrained by the paltry bit of the soul I possessed. So naturally I dominated our association.”

Alas, true. I could not deny her imperatives, though they appalled me.

Kody thought of Zap Griffin, handicapped among her own kind by her soul. “This shows why you governed your alter ego. That much is true in Mundania too: the one who cares less governs the relationship. It does not make the case for using the Bomb to render other women into hags.”