EXONERATION (INTERFERENCE) (5 page)

“Rebecca!”

“He kissed me, alright. Are you happy now?”

“Yeah, I’m thrilled that my wife was kissing some man at the park in front of our daughter!”

“She was playing…and I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.”

“So, you pushed him away, stopped him?” he asked, looking relieved.

I closed my eyes, forcing the tears back. “I…pushed him away, at first, but he wouldn’t let go.”

“I’ll have him arrested!”

“No! Parker, I pushed him away at first, but then…I kissed him back. He didn’t force me.”

He walked over to the bar and picked up what was left of his $200.00 bottle of scotch.  He was calm when he said, “Do you want some?”

“No.”

“I thought you’d taken a liking to it. The bottle’s half gone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s just scotch,” he said, tossing back a shot of the aged whiskey.

“I mean about the kiss.”

“Are you sleeping with him?” he asked, swirling another shot of whiskey in his glass.

“NO!”

He looked up at me and said, “Have you slept with him?”

How do I answer that loaded question honestly?
“It was just a kiss, nothing more. We didn’t plan to meet.”

“You didn’t answer my question. Have you slept with him?” He was pacing the room now. “Are you in love with him?”

“It was just a kiss! I know it was wrong. I’m sorry. When I realized what I’d done, I grabbed Shannon and ran. I swear I didn’t think she saw…us.” I was breathing hard now, worried about being able to dodge more questions.

He downed the second glass of scotch and set the glass on the bar. “So, you’ll kiss a complete stranger, but not your own husband?”

He was calm, much too calm and it worried me.

“It was just a kiss. I said I was sorry.”

“Are you?”

“I know it was wrong. I’m sorry,” I repeated.

“Are you sorry you kissed him, or are you sorry it was wrong?”

“Can we just drop it, please?”

“Were you just longing for affection? Why him? Why not me? I’m here Rebecca! I love you. Why not me?”  He looked so hurt.

I felt the tears start. Parker
had
been there for me. He loved me, in his own way. He didn’t deserve this. “I’m s-sorry,” I said through my tears.

He walked over to me and grabbed my shoulders. “Are you seeing him again?”

“I have no plans to meet with him!”

“You said you’re not sleeping with him…”

“I’m not!”

“Do you want to?”

I didn’t answer for a moment. His question forced me to think about something I hadn’t allowed myself to face.
Yes! God, how I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted him more than anything!
And that thought terrified me.

My lack of an answer must have confirmed his suspicions. He took a few deep breaths and sat down on the couch.

“Parker…”

He looked up with tears in his eyes. “I can’t lose you.”

In my mind, he’d never had me. I was there in body, but never in spirit or heart. My heart always had and always would belong to Shane, no matter the circumstances. As I looked down at the man who’d stood by me for almost seven years, my heart ached over the pain I’d caused him. I walked over and placed my hand on his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He stood up, “Swear it! Please! I need to hear you say it!”

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t plan it, I swear.”

He was staring down at me with wet eyes. “I love you, Rebecca. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I want this to work. I want us to work. No more women, I swear.”

“I told you it was okay.”

“But, it’s not! It’s not okay. You kissing the vet made me realize that.”

I closed my eyes in shame, but not because I was feeling guilty for kissing Shane, but because I was re-living it as we spoke and I wanted to do it again…and so much more. I looked back up into his eyes and said, “It’s okay, Parker; I know I don’t give you what you need.”

“What do
you
need?”

“I need some sleep, and so do you.” I touched his cheek with my hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow after work, okay?” I said, trying to let him know that nothing had changed. But, I knew it was a lie. Shane was back, and that changed everything.

“I need you! We can’t go on like this. I want you. God, I’ve always wanted you.” He stood up and pulled me to him. “If you let this man, this stranger, kiss you, and you kissed him back, then you must need something, too. Is it the women? I swear they don’t mean anything. It’s just I need…”

“I know. It’s okay.”

“But, don’t you need that, too? Don’t you need to be touched, loved?”

I looked down. “Women are different…” I lied.

“I don’t believe that. Can we at least try to make it work? I miss waking up with you. I miss holding you, loving you. I want to make you happy. I want you to want to kiss
me
.”

“Parker, it’s late. Can we just forget any of this happened?”

“NO! You can’t run from me anymore. If I have competition out there, then I’m damned sure going to give him a run for his money. You’re still my wife. I haven’t completely lost you, yet.”

I was tired and I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.
“You haven’t lost…”

“I want to make love to you! No excuses tonight. You’re my wife, it’s time we re-connected. I need it, and I think you do, too.”

“Parker, please. I’m tired.”

“Rebecca, I’m begging you! Please! Don’t turn me away tonight. We’re alone. Shannon’s safe and won’t be a distraction. Let me make you forget about him, please!”

“I told you, it was just a kiss!”

“I’m not talking about the vet. I’m talking about…him! He’s not here, Rebecca! But, I am! I always h
ave been and I always will be. He left you alone…and pregnant. But I was there, by your side, and I haven’t left. Please, I’m your husband. It’s been three years since we’ve made love. I need you! I love you! Please, give me a chance to show you how much.” 

The pain in his eyes was just as noticeable as the tears welling in them. Every fiber of my being told me to run, but as I looked into those tear-soaked eyes I found myself taking his hand and leading him upstairs. 

I led him into his room and said, “I’ll be right back.” I walked into my bathroom and looked at the tired, drawn face in the mirror.
You can do this. He’s your husband! Just…close your eyes and get through it!

“I thought maybe you changed your mind,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I just needed to freshen up.”

This seemed to please him as the next thing I knew, he was pulling me to him and kissing me. I had to consciously force myself not to pull away. I closed my eyes and pretended it wasn’t happening. When he pulled back, he said, “Are you okay?” He looked hurt, like maybe I hadn’t participated as much in the kiss as I should have. After a few seconds, he sighed, and said, “You don’t have to do this. I know you’ve never loved me.”

“Parker, that’s not true. It’s just…it’s been a while. I’m nervous,” I said, looking down. That was true, I was terrified that I wasn’t going to be able to go through with it and I knew that would crush him.

“I’ll be right back, okay?  Don’t move,” he said before almost running out the door.

I stood there wondering what he was doing, but he did come right back with a bottle of something. “Massage oil,” he grinned.

“You don’t have to do that,” I said, not wanting to drag this out.

“I want to. I want to make you happy.”

I nodded and started to unbutton my blouse.

“No, let me.” He reached out and with shaking hands he slowly unbuttoned my blouse. He kissed my neck softly and undid one button at a time as his fingers worked their way down my blouse. 

I was starting to feel sick and as his lips met mine for the second time that night
, I had to force myself not to vomit. I didn’t know what to do, I knew he needed this, but I was physically ill from his touch…his kiss.
Oh God, think of something else!

As his tongue invaded my mouth, I started to taste bile and I forced myself to think of something…anything else. Against my better judgment, I thought of the only thing I really wanted…Shane, and as his kiss deepened and visions of the man I still loved more than anything danced in my head, I suddenly found myself pulling Parker to me and before I knew it, a sigh escaped my lips, urging Parker on.

Suddenly we were locked in an embrace and he was pulling me into bed. I pretended that every touch, kiss, taste was from Shane. I knew it was wrong, but I kept telling myself that I was doing it for Parker, and as our love-making reached the peak, I had to force myself not to scream Shane’s name.

Breathless, I went limp in his arms and as I finally opened my eyes, I knew what I’d done was worse than kissing Shane. I’d led my husband to believe that I’d enjoyed his touch and that he’d brought me to orgasm, but all the while, it had been Shane. The tears wouldn’t stop then and Parker pulled me close.

“It’s okay, now,” he said between gasping breaths. “We can start over. Leave the past behind. Oh, God, I love you. You were wonderful.”

This only made me cry harder.
Why did he have to be so understanding? Why couldn’t he have been cold and heartless?
It would have made it so much easier.

He brushed my hair back from my face and looked down into my eyes. “You don’t know how much I needed that. I think you needed it too.” He rolled to the side and pulled me tightly to him, spooning me. He was feeling elated, but all I felt was grief because once the fantasy ended, I felt like I’d lost Shane all over again. I cried myself to sleep in my husband’s arms. He was thinking we’d finally connected, and I was thinking about my next encounter with Shane and how I knew, without a doubt, that if he kissed me again, I’d not only encourage him, but beg for more…

I woke up with the sun in my eyes as I’d forgotten to close the blinds. I tried to sit up, but something heavy was draped over my side. I blocked the glare from the sun with my hand and glanced down at the weight holding me down. I cringed as I saw Parker’s arm, and last might’s memories came flooding back.

“Good morning,” Parker said with a huge grin.

“Um, hi.”
I pulled the throw blanket I keep on the bottom of the bed up and around me and headed into the bathroom without another word.

“I thought maybe…”

“Parker, I’m in the shower!”

“I know, I was thinking of joining you.”

“We um, we have to pick up Shannon. My mom has plans this morning,” I lied.

“We have time, it’s early. I’d love to make you scream again, like last night. You were amazing. You finally opened up to me. Thank you!”

“You um, you should go get ready…” I said while leaning against the shower wall, trying to stop the torrential downpour of tears from all of the emotions coursing through me.

“So I was thinking, maybe we could ask your parents to keep Shannon one night a week for us from now on. You um, you’re definitely less inhibited when she’s not home,” he grinned.

I looked down as he pulled into the driveway.

We picked up Shannon and my parents could hardly help but notice the huge smile pasted on Parker’s face. My mother seemed pleased until she looked beyond the fake smile I’d pasted on in order to make a quick getaway.

“Rebecca, come look at the swatches of fabric I have for the new drapes. Help me pick one out.”

“We um, we have to go, Mom. I know you have plans…” I looked into her eyes, pleading with her to go along with my story.

“Oh, um, yeah, but it’ll only take a minute.”

I politely declined and yelled for Shannon and soon we were out the door, promising to meet at the country club for brunch the following Sunday.             

I was able to stave off Parker that night when he suggested a repeat performance of the previous evening by reminding him that Shannon was awake and in the next room.

“We need a bigger house…with soundproof walls, evidently,” he grinned, making me blush and feel even worse about my over-zealous vocals from the previous night’s activities. My one and only solace was that I had managed not to scream Shane’s name at the peak of excitement.

“I um, I’m sorry about…that,” I said, feeling mortified.

“Don’t be. I’m sure as hell not. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I was finally able to bring you some pleasure. I’d sure like to do it again,” he smiled.

“I um, I don’t really feel…romantic, not when Shannon’s home. I um, I can’t concentrate…with her here,” I said, feeling horrible for using my daughter as an excuse to get out of sex with my husband.

This didn’t even seem to faze him. He touched my cheek and said, “I’ll talk to your mom about keeping her one night a week from now on.”