Fading (15 page)

There is no way I can speak right now, so I simply nod my head.

She pushes herself off the desk and sits down next to me in the matching leather chair. Shifting her body to face me, she continues, "Dancers like you don't often walk through these doors. When I first saw you three years ago, I knew I was seeing something special. You are destined to have a successful career, and I've never had to worry about you. You breathe this." Hearing her words, I lose my composure and let the tears escape. "But it's almost November, and your time here is limited. Whatever
this
is...we need to fix it. I see perfection, but I no longer feel the passion in you. I feel emptiness."

Agreeing with her last statement, I nod my head and say, "I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know what to do to fix this."

She reaches over and covers my hand with hers. "Whatever is making you shut down, allow it to come to life inside of you."

Her words are my greatest fear. Would she be telling me this if she knew? I know I have to find another way—I have to.

"I believe in you, Candace. I wouldn't have called you in today if I didn't."

I am taken back by her candidness, and I know she isn't saying this for my sake. She means it. Wiping my tearstained cheeks, I say, "Thank you."

She stands up, and I lean down to grab my purse before doing the same. As she walks back behind her desk, I make my way to the door. Holding the door handle in my hand, I turn over my shoulder and assure her, "I'll fix this."

"I know you will," she replies as she sits down.

Wrapping my plush black scarf around my neck, I head out the front door into the brisk and rainy October evening. It's Halloween, and everyone at work wanted the night off to go to various parties, so I volunteered to work. Roxy will be there for a little bit, but I will be working most of the night and closing by myself. It should be pretty slow with it being a Wednesday and also a party night. Most people will be opting to drink liquor rather than coffee.

When I arrive, Roxy and her boyfriend, Jared, are the only ones in the shop. Sporting her new flame-red hair, she looks up and says, "Hey, Candace! How was your day?"

Shaking off my wet jacket, I say, "Busy. I've been trying to choreograph that solo I told you about." I shrug off my coat and scarf and hang them on the coat rack by the front doors.

"Hey, Jared," I say as I approach the counter.

"Haven't seen you in a while, girl," he says.

"Yeah, I've been keeping busy with school."

Eying my backpack, he says, "I see."

I sling my backpack off my shoulder and drop it on the floor behind the counter. "I figured it'd be dead tonight, so I thought I could get some reading done for my classes."

Roxy walks up to me, leaning against the counter, and asks softly, "You sure you're gonna be okay here by yourself?"

"Roxy, I've worked alone before. No biggie."

"Yeah, but—"

Interrupting her, I repeat, "No biggie, Rox," giving a slight nod and looking her in the eyes. I know exactly what she's thinking, but I just want her to drop it. We both realize I haven't worked alone since she's been noticing my strange behavior these past couple months. She knows something is up, but I tend to cut her off every time she starts to insinuate concern.

I walk over to the espresso machine and begin making myself a double shot latte.

"It was nice seeing you, Candace," Jared shouts over to me while I'm grinding the coffee beans.

"You heading out already?" I ask.

"Yeah, I gotta run." He turns to Roxy and asks, "I'll see you in an hour?"

"Yep, meet you at your place," she replies before kissing him.

I turn around, not wanting to look at how happy they are and focus on steaming the milk. I add a pump of vanilla flavoring and quickly wipe down the counter before turning back around. When I do, Jared is walking out. Leaning against the counter, I blow on my hot drink before taking a slow sip. Roxy is staring at me, and I can read her thoughts clearly. I know she doesn't want me here alone, and she is worried. Before she can say a word, I try to place the focus on her, not me.

"So, what are the two of you doing tonight?" I ask.

"A friend of ours is in a band, and they are playing a show at The Crocodile."

"That's a huge gig," I say excitedly.

Roxy and I start talking about her friend's band, and before I know it, she's grabbing her things and getting ready to leave. A part of me is starting to feel jittery, and it isn't the caffeine. The thought creeps into my mind:
What if he comes in tonight?
I have never seen him here in the past, and to my knowledge, he has never been here, but it still makes me nervous.

"You okay, hun?" Roxy asks as she stares at my hands that are tightly clenched together.

Immediately, I loosen my grip as I feign a smile and say, "Yeah, fine. Must be the two shots of espresso, that's all." Truth is, I'm not okay, but I need to be. I need to function and be able to go about my daily routines without freaking out. The only way I know to get to that point is to keep forcing myself.

"Okay," she responds in a weary tone. I assure her I'm fine and tell her to not worry about me and have fun. Before walking out the door, she turns around and says, "Call me if you need anything, or...just call me, okay?"

Waving at her in mock exasperation, I say, "Just go."

It's a little after ten o'clock and the rain is now pouring down outside. The evening has been pretty slow as predicted. Only a handful of people are sitting around drinking coffee, visiting with friends, or studying. I have been able to get a decent amount of reading done and am now finishing up some research for a paper I need to write by next week.

My heart skips a beat, as it does every time the bell above the door rings. I look up to see a guy with dark, wet hair walking in. I hop off my stool and walk over to the register to meet him.

"Hey, what can I get for you?" I ask.

Looking at the drink list on the wall behind me, he says, "Uh, just a twenty coffee. Black."

Roxy didn't feel like she needed to give her drink sizes any special names like other coffee establishments, so it's simply a twelve, sixteen, or twenty.

"Easy enough," I say, and before he can look up at me, I am over pouring him his cup of coffee. When I return, he is typing something into his phone. "That's one ninety-three," I say as I slide the drink towards him.

Looking up at me, he hands me a five, and I open the register to get him his change. I feel him staring at me, and when I shift my eyes up, sure enough, he's staring at me with a confused look on his face.

"Everything okay?" I ask as I hand him his change. He doesn't take his eyes off of me, and I'm starting to freak out inside. I can feel the rate of my heart as it increases, and I nervously ask, "Anything else?"

He finally blinks and shakes his head as he says, "Um, no. No, that's all," never taking his eyes off of me.

Who the hell is this guy? I take a few steps back and accidentally kick the barstool I was sitting on, and it makes a loud scratching noise against the floor. He turns around and starts walking out but looks back over his shoulder at me a couple times before finally leaving.

Panic shoots through me, and my breathing becomes erratic. Does that guy know me? Does he know Jack? My paranoid thoughts start to overtake me, and I quickly announce to the few people who are still here that we are closing immediately. My voice is trembling, and it doesn't take long for the place to empty out. As soon as the last person leaves, I lock the doors and turn off the outside lights. I walk back behind the counter, scared, not able to slow down my pounding heart. Sitting down and pulling my knees to my chest, I once again feel defeated and hopeless as the tears start to fall.

As soon as I get home, I take a sleeping pill, strip off my clothes, and lie down in bed. I hate that I have become so weak and can't get my shit together. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be feeling this miserable every day. It's been two months, and I know I am stronger than this pathetic girl that lives inside of me and is consuming me.

It's sometime in the middle of the night when I wake up to Kimber loudly stumbling through the house. She's giggling, and I hear a guy's voice before her door slams shut.
Great.
I am just about to fall back asleep when her moans echo though the walls. My stomach knots up when the guy starts grunting out her name.

I can't take this. I am a mix of emotions: pissed, disgusted, jealous, and scared. Throwing the covers off of me, I grab my coat and slide on my Uggs. I need to get out of this house and away from what's going on in Kimber's room. So, I grab my keys and leave.

Quietly, I slide my key into the lock and open the door. Shutting it softly behind me, I walk through the living room while stepping out of my boots and tossing my coat on the couch. When I open the door to Jase's room, I see he is alone.
Thank God.
I pull back the covers and slide in behind him. It isn't long before he rolls over and wraps me in his arms. It is then when my stomach finally unknots, and I fall asleep.

"So what happened last night?" Jase asks when I walk into the kitchen.

Pouring myself a cup of coffee, I walk into the living room, which is adjacent to the open kitchen, and curl up in a blanket as I sit on the couch. Jase walks in and sits next to me, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

"Kimber brought some guy home last night, and the pervert wouldn't stop shouting her name," I say.