Fading (13 page)

Mark and I have been spending time together when he isn't in class. I can see why Jase loves him. They are alike in many ways, and we have bonded pretty effortlessly. He's wanted to stay over, but I am too embarrassed for him to witness the nightmares that seem to come every night.

As I drive to work, I listen to music and try my best to act normal. I'm not even sure what that is anymore, but I desperately crave it. I feel different, and I don't like it. When I pull up to Common Grounds, my nerves intensify. I haven't seen any of my other friends all week. Only Jase and Mark. Will Roxy be able to see right through me? Will she ask questions? My heart is racing, and I start taking slow deep breaths to calm myself. Getting out of my car, I walk straight in and towards the back to put my things away and get my apron. I pass Roxy, and she is busy helping a customer. When I reach the back room, I take a minute to try and pull myself together.

I take one last look at my face in the small compact mirror that's in my purse before walking back out. Looking around, I notice that the place is dead. I really wish we were busy so that my interaction with Roxy would be limited. I'm nervous and want nothing more than to get back into my car and drive to Jase's apartment. I walk slowly to one of the stools by the front counter and sit down.

"You feeling better?" Roxy asks.

Nervously, I lift my head and answer, "Yeah, thanks," hoping she can't see what I am hiding under my makeup.

"That's good. I missed having you up here." She walks over to sit beside me and continues, "So, I never did hear what happened with Jack."

My body turns cold when she says his name, and I blurt out, "What do you mean?"

"The party? You telling him you weren't interested?" she questions. "How did it go?"

"Oh, um...yeah, it was fine," I say, stumbling over my words and hoping that will be enough to satisfy her, but I know that it won't. I really want to be left alone right now. Maybe being normal isn't what I want because all I want to do right now is run back to the bubble I just came out of. It's safe there. No questions.

Roxy chuckles and says, "That's all I get? Girl, you were freaking out. Seriously, what happened?"

I suddenly feel my ears heat, and before I can stop myself, I snap at her, "Nothing, I already told you. Can we drop it?"

I immediately feel bad, but I can't do this. I stand up and walk straight back to the bathroom to try and compose myself. I lock the door behind me, and the tears are back. I quickly wipe them away and rest my hands on the sink. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I start thinking about what excuses I could use to get out of here. How am I supposed to do this? I spend a few minutes settling my nerves before returning.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as I sit back down next to Roxy.

She slides me a coffee and says, "Here. It's okay. I won't mention it again."

"Thanks."

After about an hour, the place starts to pick up, and I enjoy the much needed distraction. It's been a little tense and uncomfortable as Roxy and I struggle for conversation. But now the place is full, and there is a line of customers. Roxy is working the register while I move about quickly, making various versions of lattes and espressos.

When the line dies down, I finally get a chance to lift my head and realize that it's dark outside.

"What time is it, Rox?" I ask while I begin wiping down the counters.

"A little after ten," she says over her shoulder as she is replacing the receipt tape in the register. When she finishes, she walks over and starts helping me wipe down the machines. We are both silent as we clean up and prepare to close.

When eleven o'clock rolls around, we shut everything down and lock up. Before I can head toward my car, Roxy pulls me in for an unexpected hug. The gesture makes my eyes prick with tears, but I quickly blink them away. When she pulls back, I can see concern in her eyes, and I know that she knows something is going on. How could she not? I have been acting weird all night.

"Have a good night, okay?"

"Thanks, you too," I say, trying to avoid eye contact.

We both walk to our cars, and in an attempt to make this less weird, I look over my shoulder, and in a fake perky voice, I say, "See you Tuesday!"

"Yeah, see ya."

When I walk into the apartment, Jase and Mark are in the kitchen cooking dinner. They have music playing loudly, so they don't hear me when I enter. I stand there and watch them move around the kitchen, flirting with each other. Jase approaches Mark while he's standing over the stove and wraps his arms around his waist, kissing him on the neck. A part of me feels a little sad—envious. Maybe I'm just not meant to ever have that. When Mark turns around to look at Jase, he sees me.

"Hey!" he says excitedly. "We're making Italian tonight. You hungry?"

"Yeah, a little," I say, walking toward the bedroom. Why am I suddenly feeling sad? I wish I could get a hold of my emotions. I should be happy for Jase and Mark, not pitying myself. God, I am so selfish.

Closing the door behind me, I toss my purse on the floor. Walking across the room, I sit on the edge of the bed and take a moment to myself to just be sad. I need to get it out now before going back out there. I am sure the boys are sick and tired of my depressing moods.

I hear the creak of the door opening while I'm sniffing and quickly wiping away my tears. I really don't want to put a damper on the evening, so I paste on a smile before looking up to see Mark walking in the room.

"Hey, what's up?" I say in a fake cheerful tone, pretending that I wasn't just crying.

He closes the door and starts walking over to me. "What's wrong?"

I watch him as he moves across the room and sits down beside me. He places his hand on my knee and gives a light squeeze. "Nothing, just a weird day at work. That's all."

With a friendly smirk, he teasingly says, "You lie."

Not wanting to pretend, I just confess what's got me in my mood. "You're right," I softly chuckle. "Honestly, I love you and Jase, so don't take this the wrong way, okay?"

"Okay."

"I see how happy the two of you are, and I can't help but wonder...why not me? I know it's selfish, but..."

I don't finish, when Mark cuts me off and says, "You are
not
selfish." Shifting on the bed, he turns his body to face me. He looks extremely serious as he stares into my eyes. "I know what you're thinking, but stop. You will have that, I promise. Look, I can't even imagine how much everything sucks for you right now, but this does not define you."

Tears rim my eyes when Mark rests his hands on my shoulders and repeats himself sternly. "This doesn't define you." Leaning in, he kisses my forehead, and the tears slip out. He takes his thumbs, and wipes them off my cheeks. "It doesn't, okay?"

"Why does it feel that way? Maybe you believe that, but..." Looking down, I shake my head before looking back into his eyes. "None of this makes sense to me."

Tucking a lock of hair behind my ear, he says, "One day, this pain will make sense to you." He pulls me in for a hug, and I try to believe his words, but it all sounds too good to be true.

I pull back and attempt to lighten the mood as I grin and ask, "So, what are you boys cooking for me?"

Mark smiles, but I clearly see the concern in his eyes. "Jase is the one who is doing everything. I'm not much of a cook. I'm trying to look helpful, but all I'm doing is stirring the pasta." Laughing, he stands up, grabs my hand, and pulls me off the bed. "Come on, let's devour the bruschetta while we admire Jase's sexy ass moving around the kitchen."

I smile, thankful for the humor, and say, "Absolutely."

Walking into the kitchen, Jase strides over to me, pulls me in for a hug, and gives me a quick kiss. "Hey, sweetie. How was work?"

"Weird at first, but it wound up being a busy night, which was good," I say as I walk over to the wine rack and select a bottle of Nero d'Avola. I uncork the bottle and pour three glasses of the floral Italian wine. As Mark and I settle at the bar, Jase picks up his glass and stands next to us. No toast is needed when the three of us clink our glasses before drinking.

Mark and I sit, chitchatting, while Jase slices up a baguette for the bruschetta. This is exactly what I needed tonight: a relaxing evening with my guys, good food, and wine.

"So, what are you cooking?" I ask Jase as he's stirring a few pots on the stove.

"Lobster tortellini, vodka sauce, pan-fried asparagus, and roasted garlic bread," he says as he moves around the kitchen.

"God, that sounds good!" I look over at Mark and ask, "Hey, didn't your band have a show last night?"

"Yeah, we played at Blur. It was a great gig; the place was packed."

"I've never been there before," I say.

Jase looks over his shoulder at me and jokingly says, "Candace, you haven't been anywhere." He chuckles and then adds, "You should really hear them play sometime. You'd like their sound."

The conversation halts when there is a knock at the door. Mark walks over to open it, and my stomach sinks when I see Kimber standing in the doorway. I jump off the barstool, and Jase is immediately by my side.

"What the hell is going on?" she asks. She is pissed, and understandably so. Walking in, she throws her purse on the couch, and with her hands on her hips, she continues, "You two have been avoiding me all week, and I have no clue what I did to piss you guys off!"

"We're not pissed at you," Jase reassures her, but by the look on her face, she's not buying one word. "Candace just wanted a little time away, that's all."

"From me? I'm supposed to be your best friend?!"

I've seen Kimber worked up before, but not like this. She is visibly not only pissed, but I can tell that her feelings are hurt as well, which hurts me in return. It's not my intention to hurt her at all. I love Kimber, and we have never had secrets between us until now.

"Why won't you talk to me?" she demands.

"I'm sorry," I say, as Mark heads back into the kitchen. I walk over, sit down on the couch, and quickly think of any reason to give her. She moves to stand in front of me, and I know she is waiting for an answer. Nervous, I start to speak again, "Jack and I got into an argument at the party. I was upset, he was drunk, so I called Jase to come pick me up."

Jase butts in and adds, "I suggested she stay here in case he showed up at your house. That's all."

"So why couldn't you just call me and tell me?" The look in her eyes is calling
bullshit
on our lie.

"I didn't want you getting involved. You can sometimes overreact, and I just wanted everything to die down without any drama. It's no big deal, and I haven't heard from him. It's over, so can we just drop it?" My hands are sweating; I hate even mentioning his name. I really want this conversation to be done with. I look up at Kimber, and she is shaking her head at Jase and me.

"Bullshit!" she snaps as she grabs her purse off of the couch and heads for the door.

Jumping up, I say, "Kimber, wait. Please don't be mad at me. I'm coming back home this week. It's not a big deal, please don't make it into one."

She takes a step towards me and says, "You're the one who made it such a big deal when you decided to avoid me all week. We have always been honest with each other, but if you really want me to believe your story, then fine. I believe you." With that, she turns her back to me, walks out, and slams the door behind her.

"
Are you sure everything is all right?" Jase asks as he is helping me unpack my bags.

After my fight with Kimber, I stayed a couple more nights with Jase. It was nice to have him there when I got home from classes on Monday. I didn't think returning to school would be as stressful as it turned out to be. I didn't miss much, so I wasn't stressed about that part. I guess it's more paranoia than stress. Truth is, I am terrified of running into Jack on campus. I know the likelihood of that happening is slim, considering I have been here for the past three years and our paths have never crossed before, but I can't help constantly looking over my shoulder while I walk around campus. The feeling consumed me every day, and when I got back to Jase's apartment, he was there when I broke down from all the panic I was trying to keep bottled up all day. He had asked if I needed him or Mark to help out by trying to meet up with me on campus, but none of our schedules matched up enough for it to be possible.