Fading (44 page)

"It's a few hours, dear. Hardly a chore." She takes my hand and walks us into the living room.

I introduce her to Mark and Jase, and they all exchange hugs.

"Mom, what do you want to drink?"

"A glass of wine will be good."

"Me too," I say.

"You're not gonna get drunk, slap my ass, and tell me how sexy I am, are you?" he teases.

"Ryan!"

I look at Donna with an apologetic look while Ryan is laughing at my expense in the kitchen.

"I didn't...I mean it wasn't..."

"Honey, we've all been there," she says with a hint of laughter.

Ryan walks back in, hands his mom and I our glasses of wine, and sits down next to me while his mom and I chat. Ever since Christmas, she calls me once a week to check in. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but we've grown close. She knows that I've been staying here with Ryan and how I feel about him. She's never once been judgmental or snarky like it was with my mother when she would call me. The relationship I have with Donna is one that I have been needing, now more than ever. She's nothing but supportive and encouraging, and I love her for that.

When the pizza arrives, we all sit around the living room and eat straight from the boxes. Ryan and I share the box with the pineapple pizza. I love that I can spend a night like this, in my pajamas, with people I care about.

Mark and Ryan gather all the boxes and take them to the kitchen when we are done. When they come back in, Ryan is holding a cheap grocery store birthday cake.

"Don't get upset, but you told me in the elevator that you wanted cake, so here it is."

He smiles at me as he sets it on the coffee table and Mark hands everyone a fork. We all sit on the floor, around the table, and eat. We don't bother cutting it; we just eat straight from the cake. When I can't take another bite, I throw my fork in and lie back.

"I'm gonna die," I moan out in discomfort.

"I don't get how you can be so tiny when you eat like a horse," Mark teases.

"Because I work my ass off."

"Please, you twirl around on your toes," he chuckles out.

"Oh yeah? When I find a pair of pointes in size Yeti, I'm gonna make you wear them, and then you can see what a workout it is."

"I'd pay to see that shit," Jase says.

Ryan and Donna clean everything up while Mark, Jase, and I continue to tease each other.

When we decide to watch a movie, Donna calls it a night. She's tired from the drive, but we will have all day tomorrow to hang out. While Ryan gets her situated in the guest bedroom, Jase, Mark, and I get comfortable on the floor and turn out the lights. We pull the pillows off the couch and chairs and huddle under blankets. Ryan returns and slides under my blanket, and we cuddle as we watch 'The Breakfast Club.'

By the time Allison throws the bologna and cheese on the statue and proceeds to make a sandwich out of Captain Crunch and Pixie Sticks, Jase and Mark head out. Once they're gone, I roll over and face Ryan, the only light being the flicker of the TV. I tangle my legs with his and snuggle in close.

"Thank you."

"For?"

"Your mom and the cake," I say with a grin.

He kisses my nose and says, "Anytime."

I slide my hand under his shirt and run it up his smooth back. "I love you."

He doesn't say anything; he only kisses me. It's all I need as I melt into him. I can taste the sugar from the cake and he caresses his tongue with mine. I grip onto his shoulder and wrap my leg around his hip. Grabbing onto my thigh, I tangle my other hand in his hair. He rolls on top of me and runs his palm up my side, under my shirt.

We've done this before, and I let myself relax because I know that he knows when to stop with me. I trust him, and I know he would never push me. I feel warm under his touch, letting him wrap me up in it. He makes my heart beat faster, and I just want to be close with him. I love what we have together, and I love him.

It's been two weeks since I told him my secret, and he hasn't once looked at me differently. When he said to me that it didn't change anything, I didn't believe him at first, but now, all I can do is trust him and what he says.

Ryan runs his soft kisses up my neck and then pulls away. "Come on," he says as he holds out his hand for me. "I want you in my bed, under my sheets."

I smile up at him before he grabs me and takes me upstairs.

Donna insisted we go to Common Grounds for breakfast while Ryan goes to the gym. She said she wanted to see where I worked, so when Ryan left, we got ourselves ready and I drove us to the coffee shop.

The place isn't too busy when we arrive. We walk up to the counter and I introduce Donna to Roxy.

"So, you're Ryan's mom?" she says with a smirk, and I know she wants to mention his hot-ass, as she does every time his name comes up, but thankfully, she keeps her couth.

"Yes, it's so good to meet you."

Donna doesn't look fazed at all by Roxy's unique style and her cobalt-blue hair.

"Likewise. So what are you girls up to today?"

"We're just here for breakfast," I tell her.

Donna and I give Roxy our order and when she hands us our drinks and muffins, we make ourselves comfortable on one of the cozy small loveseats.

"Thank you for driving up here. It really means a lot me," I tell her as I sip my hot tea.

"Well, I'm glad Ryan called me to tell me it was your birthday."

"Sorry, if it was last minute notice, but he didn't even know until last week."

She gives me a warm smile and says, "Well, I'm happy to be here. It's so good to see the two of you. I've never seen him so happy. All he seems to talk about when I call him is you. So, I take it you guys are getting more serious?"

It's not awkward for me to talk to her about Ryan. We talk about our relationship almost every week. Even though I haven't known her very long, she gives me the maternal support I've never had. She's been easy for me to let in.

"Yeah, I mean we love each other. I try not to think about it too much, but I sometimes worry about what will happen after I graduate."

"Well, have you thought about where you want to go?"

"I don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter. I have to go where the job is, and I have no clue what company will offer me a spot. That's what's so unnerving."

Swallowing a bite of her muffin, she asks, "What does Ryan say?"

"We haven't talked about it. I've never mentioned it."

"You have to follow your dreams. I don't see Ryan standing in the way of that."

"I really do love him."

"I know you do," she says as she reaches for my hand.

"I don't know if I could ever leave him."

"Don't let your dreams fade away. Whatever happens, I know you two will find your way through it."

I smile at her words and hope that she's right. I know Seattle has a few outstanding ballet companies. I've expressed interest in a couple; I just hope that one of them will offer me a spot, but at the same time, I've always dreamed of New York. Ever since I was a little girl, I've been fantasizing about dancing in the city.

"Well, dear, Ryan told me to not get you anything, but..." She reaches in her purse and pulls out an old weathered box. "I didn't wrap it, so technically, it's not an official present."

When she places the box in my hands, I look at her in disbelief. "Donna, I can't."

"I've had it for years, dear. It's just an old, dirty book, but I saw you reading it at Christmas, so I thought you wouldn't mind having a copy."

I open the box, and I know it's the original publisher's box. Pulling out my favorite book from my childhood, I open it up to see the publishing date is 1935.

Shaking my head, I say, "But this is a collector's edition. How...?"

"When I was a little girl, I loved this book. My grandmother bought this for me when she found it in a rundown antique shop. I bought a current published version for the kids that I keep out, and when I saw you reading it, I figured you would appreciate having this version."

When I start to shake my head again, she places her hand on top of one of the original prints of Frances Hodgson Burnett's book, 'A Little Princess,' and says, "Like I said, it's an old book that has been sitting at the top of my closet for years, doing nothing but collecting dust."

Tears prick my eyes when I think about what this book was for me when I was growing up. In a way, I felt a lot like the girl, Sara. She believed herself to be a princess, and even though her world was falling apart at the hands of someone else, she pulled through, despite the cruelty she suffered. I hadn't read it in years, but when I saw it at Donna's house, I read it again and found it to be just as meaningful as an adult as it was when I was a child.

I set the book in its box on my lap and lean over to hug her. "I can't tell you what this means to me. Thank you."

"Thank you for accepting it."

When she sits back, she smiles and says, swiftly taking the focus off of her non-present, "So, tell me, when do you find out about your audition?"

Placing the cover back on the box, I say, "Today, actually. It should be posted this afternoon around five."

"Either way, I am so proud of you."

Hearing those words from her, every time she says them, fills little empty places in my heart. I never got to hear those words from my parents, so hearing them now does tremendous things to me.

"Tell me about this production. How many dances will I get to see you in?"

"You're coming?" I ask.

"Are you kidding me? I can't wait to see you dance."

Again, filling up little pieces of my heart.

Smiling, I tell her all about the three ensemble pieces I will be dancing. While I talk, she asks questions and is sincerely interested. We continue to enjoy each other's company and relax in our slow lazy morning. When we finish up, we decide to walk around the block and into some of the little boutique and fragrance shops. We both buy a few things here and there as we hop from store to store.

When I look at the woman Donna is, it's hard for me to imagine what her life used to be like with Ryan's father. Ryan told me that the night his dad died, he had beaten Donna pretty badly, smashing a coffee mug into the back of her head. Ryan was just coming home from a party and walked in on it. He said he lost all control of himself and started throwing punches. His dad managed to grab a knife from the counter and that's how Ryan got the scar on his ribs.

Once his dad died, Donna was determined to put that life behind them. Seeing them now, you would never know the hell they lived with. I know that Ryan still deals with the memories of it all. He told me that he's scared that he'll wind up like his father, and that's why he's never wanted to get serious with a girl. So he got pretty good at shutting down when he was with women. I hate to think about him being like that; I can't even picture him as that person because all I have ever known is the way he's always been with me.

Leaving the last store, we make our way back to the loft so that Donna can pack and start driving back to Cannon Beach. It's a little after twelve by the time we get back, and Ryan is waiting on us.

"Damn, that was a long breakfast," he says when we walk through the door carrying all of our shopping bags. Walking over to us, he kisses his mom and then me before taking the bags and setting them on the table.

"Sorry, time got away from us. If I didn't have to go home, I would have spent the whole day with her."

Ryan throws his arm around my shoulder and teases his mother. "Well, thanks for bringing her back, I'm sick of sharing her."

"Ryan!" I say as I nudge him playfully in the gut.

"Sorry, babe, but it's the truth," he says, then starts facetiously ravaging my neck.

"Okay, kids. I've seen enough. I'm going to go pack," Donna says, as she's already halfway down the hall.

"Ryan, that tickles," I chuckle out, trying to wriggle out of his arms, but it only encourages him. Picking me up off the ground, he carries me to the couch and lays me down. Softening his kisses, he asks, "Did you have a good time this morning?"