F*ck Feelings (41 page)

Don't lose your willingness to help the abused and downtrodden, but don't forget that some downtrodden people are, through no fault of their own, dangerous. If you don't carry out proper screening procedures, the damage can be disastrous, the fault is all yours, and when it comes to blowback, the sky's the limit with Assholes.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• To win the trust of someone who trusts no one

• To turn hate into love by giving love yourself

• To fill the emptiness in someone else's heart

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Remain helpful while learning to protect yourself from the needy-but-potentially-nuclear

• Identify and help those who can actually use your help

• If you desperately need to help something, get a rescued pet, preferably one missing an eye or leg

Here's how you can do it:

• Do your due diligence on all those past “abusers”—don't assume they were all idiots, bad guys, or not as loving, sympathetic, or temporarily ignorant about due diligence as you

• Don't comfort someone's pain before you find out what he did and does when he's in pain, and whether it involves inflicting pain on others

• Keep your commitments to your old, unsexy obligations, including those to yourself and your family

• Avoid people who do bad things when they're in pain and don't expect themselves to stop unless they feel better

Here's what to say to an Asshole who wants help (but isn't ready to stop being an Asshole).

Dear [Asshole-in-Need],

I sympathize with your mistreatment and your belief that it's caused you to [abuse drugs/bite your nails/get dolphin tattoos]. I wish I could help, but I can't see how anything I could offer could be helpful. If you ever get to the point where you don't feel the need to [abuse drugs/blow up at people/post racist comments on YouTube], I may be able to be helpful, but right now I just don't see anything I could do as a [friend/therapist/not-drug dealer]. I'm rooting for you and I hope you'll get there.

Grammar for Defending Yourself against False Accusations of Bad Behavior

To paraphrase the old saying, opinions are like Assholes; everyone's got at least one really unbearable one in their house or office (or pants, at least depending on your hot sauce intake) and they usually stink. When an Asshole's behavior is out of control in what should be a quiet, controlled environment, it's often because whoever has leadership responsibility in the organization doesn't know how to use it. She's the one who is supposed to tell everyone else to keep their opinions/Asshole behavior to themselves.

Unfortunately, not even the strongest leadership can stop an Asshole from being an Asshole, but it can often limit the damage. By either firing or otherwise constraining an Asshole at work or by setting limits on his behavior at home he can be neutralized. If, without
having the necessary authority, you try to limit an Asshole's bad behavior, you may run into trouble and catch flak instead of gratitude. It's important to ask yourself why those who should be managing an Asshole's bad behavior aren't doing it, especially before you try doing something about it yourself.

It's natural to ask your boss or parent to protect you and limit the damage if an Asshole is messing up your work, belongings, head, etc. If the authorities don't have the strength and just want everyone to get along, however, they may well make you responsible for smoothing things over and stopping the bad behavior. They'll tell you that since you're more reasonable, they expect you to solve the problem. If you argue and imply the responsibility is theirs, you're also implying that they're doing a bad job (which they are, but bosses and parents are rarely keen on that kind of critique).

If you feel too responsible for the well-being of your workplace or family to suck it up, and instead try to clean it up, there's no way out of a vicious cycle. The more you try to change bad behavior when you don't have authority, the more everyone will wind up against you. Don't accept the idea that you need to make your family or workplace better when it's really impossible.

Instead, do your job and look for a new one while figuring out ways to stay polite and tune out the Asshole. Give yourself credit for working in a sewer and use what you know about Assholes to find a better job with a good boss who's a better Asshole slayer.

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for treatment are:

• To stop the Asshole at home or work from making them miserable

• To understand why no one does anything about said Asshole despite her obvious jerkiness

• To figure out why speaking up about said Asshole causes nothing but trouble

• To get the powers that be to understand what said Asshole is actually doing—namely, something wrong

Here are some examples:

My sister and I never got along, and I'd like to say that we're fine now that we're in our twenties and living at home out of economic necessity, but it's gotten even worse. She's a weird person who doesn't really get along with anyone, and she has nothing better to do than to make sarcastic comments about me from the time I arrive home from work to the time I go to my bedroom to hide from her. When I complain to my parents, they tell me she's different and if I don't like it, I should find my own place. I don't yet have the money though because I'm paying them what I can every month for rent, but what my sister says to me is really awful. My goal is not to have to flee to my room every night when I'm really doing my best to get ahead and be a good, responsible person.

This guy at work is stupid and lazy, but he's good at joking with our male boss and the other guys on the team, so he gets away with murder. Meanwhile, he's dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. I like the job, but I'm afraid that complaining to our boss will seem petty and disloyal. I've tried telling this guy that I'm unhappy with his work and attitude, but he just makes excuses and tells me I'm not good at getting along. I don't want to be silent just because the boys don't respect what I'm saying. My goal is to figure out how to make this work.

My boss is downright abusive and my performance review was a joke, and I'm not the only person who feels that way, but going to HR about him has gotten me nowhere. I tried speaking to the big boss, who was very pleasant and said he'd look into it, but afterward nothing happened. Then my performance review got even pickier and I have the feeling they're trying to document me out. There's a nasty atmosphere, and it's really my boss's fault. I don't understand how he can get away with it. My goal is just to be left alone to do my job.

You're right to expect management to do something to stop Assholes from behaving like Assholes within your family or business organization. You're right to talk to management about the problem after making sure you've got your facts straight and don't sound too vindictive or emotional. Before you act, however, you should look around and wonder why no one has objected to the bad behavior before.

Unfortunately, the usual answer is that there's something wrong with the parent, boss, and others who tolerate bad behavior without stopping it. They may be far more likable than the Asshole, but they're the bigger problem and you're not going to get anywhere.

Don't keep on fighting. You'll just get more entrenched in a place you need to leave and a struggle you can't win. Use every tool you can think of to detach yourself from caring without compromising your principles. Keep on being polite, doing your job, and living up to your responsibilities, but start to cool your connection to this social or work world while heating up your search for the next one. Remember, your prime responsibility is to meet your own standards as an individual, not to save the family or team from itself.

An Asshole is like a managerial stress test; you can tell how solid the leadership is by how they deal with his bad behavior. The longer it's been going on and the more outrageous it is, the worse the weakness at the top.

If an Asshole is accustomed to getting away with bad behavior at your workplace, he may cross a line and do something nefarious. You can document it and use it for leverage. Don't expect it to happen, but be ready if it does. Seek out advice or do research that tells you where
the line is and what your rights are if it's crossed. Remember, though, your goal isn't to get revenge or express your anger. As good as that would feel, your goal is to get what you think is right, if the fight is worthwhile and winnable.

Don't get distracted by Assholes and their bad behavior in your home or workplace. Look instead at how they're dealt with by the powers that be and decide what you need to do to protect yourself and find a better place to live and work.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• To be treated fairly and protected from bullying by the boss

• To see people who behave badly treated fairly, as the Bill of Rights dictates

• To be heard and understood when you have a legitimate complaint

• To be recognized for hard work and dedication, and not with a golden trophy or anything, just the basics

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Become invisible and hope the Asshole picks on someone else, hopefully someone who actually has the leverage to get him axed

• Shift your office, partition, bedroom, career, etc., and get a white noise machine and a DVD on meditation

• Get permission to work at home so you can get your job (and new job search) done in peace

• Learn how to spot Assholes and ineffective bosses when you interview for a job or go on a date

Here's how you can do it:

• When you're sure that talking gets you nowhere, shut up

• Don't complain about the Asshole, nice-guy boss, or work because, as
cathartic as the temporary venting feels, it just makes them more important

• Don't threaten the Asshole or your boss/parent with criticism; chat with them about the weather or Greek yogurt

• Comfort yourself by doing a good job search or finding a good orphanage to grow up in

Here's what to say to a boss or family member “in charge of” an Asshole who is making your life shit.

Dear [Nice-Guy Boss/Parent],

Thanks for listening to my concerns the other day. I really appreciate your [taking the time to listen/smart ideas/ability to fart so silently]. I now have a much better idea of how to respond to disagreements about [your job description/alleged bad behavior/my job performance (which is excellent)]. I now have an action plan that will include [being a dedicated part of the team/hearing my co-workers out/doing all the stuff I'm already doing because I'm fucking good at my job]. I am optimistic that these measures will be helpful and effective. [Subconsciously implied: you are bad at your job. But don't insert that.]

Never expect to untangle your feelings about Assholes or whatever about them that ties you in knots. It will just get worse. If you try to “make things right,” you will find yourself turning into an Asshole, driven to seek revenge, closure, and justice, instead of hanging on to your original goals and your original personality. You have a right to feel pain, injustice, and unfairness when Assholes collide with your life, but your goal is to keep going down the road that is most meaningful to you using whatever equipment still works. The more you can strengthen your personal philosophy and see meaning in the good things you do, the better. The Asshole will find a new source of blame. Focus on finding your old purpose, sticking to it, and riding out the shit storm.

Even if you've read this entire book from cover to cover and learned all you can about managing expectations, accepting limitations, and wrangling Assholes, you may still be considering getting professional help, but not feel entirely confident you know what “treatment” actually entails.

So now that you've read a full guide to handling life's most common unsolvable problems, we offer you a guide to the most common forms of professional help, along with how to decide whether it's truly necessary, what kind might work best, what to expect, when to stop, and basically all the information you need to approach treatment without feeling helpless.