Fighting Silence (5 page)

“Um, I live here,” he answered in the smartass tone I had grown to love.

“No, you don’t.”

“Well, close enough.” He eyed me curiously. “Why are you cryin’?” He crossed his arms over his chest, which seemed to be growing thicker every day.

Not that I really noticed or anything. It wasn’t like I was checking him out or lusting over his body . . . daily. Nope. Not at all. Till was my best friend, the brother I’d never had . . . and the visual of every orgasm I had ever given myself.

“It’s nothing,” I said dismissively.

“Why are you cryin,’ Doodle?” he repeated, clearly not dismissed.

“It’s stupid.” I dried my eyes on the backs of my hands. “I thought you were going out with Helen Chapman tonight?” I questioned, trying to distract him.

“What? Who told you that?”

I swear, sometimes, he didn’t even remember that we went to the same school. Nothing had changed. Till and I were thick as thieves inside that apartment, but it was our little secret from the outside world—or, more accurately, Till’s secret.

“No one had to tell me. The whole school was talking about it.” I stood up off the cushions we had made into a makeshift couch on the floor.

A small smirk grew from the corner of his mouth. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear.”

I let out a loud laugh. “Funny, that’s not the first time I’ve been told that tonight.”

He quirked an eyebrow and cocked his head, asking for further explanation, but I didn’t give it to him.

“You hungry?” I walked to the small filing cabinet he’d converted into a pantry. It was never loaded, but we usually had at least something in case we got hungry.

On average, we spent about two hours a night in our apartment, but on the weekends, we spent almost all day if we weren’t working. My parents never even bothered to ask where I disappeared to, and eventually, I stopped sneaking out and started walking out the front door instead.

“Stop avoiding my questions.” He grabbed my arm to stop me. “What’s got you hiding out, crying in the dark?”

I let out a sigh, knowing there would be no getting out of this. Whether I told him tonight or not, I was sure he’d hear first thing Monday morning when the high school gossip train pulled into the station.

“Daniel hooked up with Crystal,” I stated emotionlessly, but my chin started to quiver.

“Bennett? No way,” he said in disbelief.

“Totally true.” I tugged my arm out of his grip and retrieved a can of ravioli and a fork. “Crystal confessed.”

He took the can from my hand but kept questioning me. “Wait. Your girl, Crystal?” Then he peeled back the pull-tab and shoveled a spoonful into his mouth.

“Yep. She called to inform me that they were star-crossed lovers. She rambled about some Romeo and Juliet bullshit then told me they had spent a night under the stars in the back of his car losing their virginity to each other.” I summarized her words with my own personal bitchy flare of sarcasm.

Till choked on a laugh, spraying cheap red sauce onto my face. With the night I’d had, I didn’t even have a reaction to having been covered with spit and ravioli. It was merely the brown icing on the shit cake.

Placing the can down, he rushed forward. “Shit. Sorry,” he chuckled. Lifting the bottom of his shirt, he wiped my face clean—including a few hidden tears that had managed to escape my eyes. “Did you tell her that Romeo was no virgin?”

My eyes snapped to his. “He wasn’t?”

“Um . . .” He stalled, nervously rocking to his toes as his eyes flashed around the room.

“Till?”

“It’s cool, Doodle. Bennett’s got one hell of a mouth.”

“What exactly is cool?” I narrowed my eyes, but my cheeks began to heat.

I was closer to Till Page than I was to anyone else in the world, but he was still a guy, and I was a seventeen-year-old girl who was still a virgin. This conversation was awkward.

“Ya know . . . You and Bennett. It’s none of my business.” Thankfully, he seemed just as uncomfortable. “I mean, you guys were together for, like, a year. Everyone kinda figured you were, anyway.”

“They figured we were what?” My embarrassment slipped as my blood began to boil. Unfortunately for me, I cried when I was angry and Till’s next words ripped open the floodgates.

“I mean, he . . . uh, told everyone that you guys were doing it.” He paused as my eyes grew wide. “Like, on the regular.”

“What!” I gasped even though I wasn’t really shocked. That was what teenage boys did right? They lied about sex. The only problem was that this lie was about
me.
Tears dripped down my face as I managed to croak out, “We never . . .”

“Fuck,” Till cussed, immediately stepping forward, dragging me into his chest. I could feel his heart pounding and his muscles tense as I unnecessarily ran my hands up his sides. “I’ll fix it,” he soothed.

“You planning to turn back time? Because I’m pretty sure there is no fixing this.”

Right then and there, I vowed to castrate Daniel Bennett. I’d originally intended for it to be a thought, but when I felt Till’s chest begin shaking, I realized I had issued my threat out loud.

“You’ll lie to the cops for me when I follow through with that, right? I’ll need an alibi.” I lifted my head to catch his gaze.

He barked out a laugh. “No, I don’t want to be the alibi. I’ll be happy to hold him down for you though.” He smiled, rubbing his hand up and down my back.

Till and I weren’t exactly touchy-feely, but we didn’t shy away from affection, either. When my mother had shredded the sketchbook she’d found in my backpack during our freshman year, Till had held me for hours as I’d cried. It was the first time I’d realized how much I had come to not only rely on him, but trust him as well. He knew my life and didn’t judge me because of it. We were two of a kind. We might not have been the only poor kids with screwed-up parents, but sometimes, it really felt that way.

“Oh, God. I’m going to look like such an idiot at school on Monday. Not only was I supposedly having monkey sex with Daniel, but it wasn’t even good enough to keep him from sleeping with my best friend,” I whined, stomping my foot for good measure.

“Monkey sex?” Till asked with humor filling his voice.

“Shut up. You know what I mean.”

He hadn’t yet released me, so I buried my head back into his chest. If he was offering, I was taking.

“You want me to kick his ass?” He made it sound like a joke, but I knew he was very serious.

“No,” I mumbled. My answer had far less to do with worrying about Daniel’s safety and everything to do with not wanting Till to get in trouble for doing it.

“Want me to spread some shit about Crystal?” He dropped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on the top of my head.

“No. What I want you to do is find a way to bottle chlamydia so we can give it to both of them.”

“Right. I’ll begin researching that tomorrow. I know a few girls who could probably supply us with a sample.”

“Ew. That’s disgusting. Please tell me Helen isn’t one of them?” I took a step out of arms, and his eyes danced with humor.

“Oh, I wouldn’t know about Helen.”

“Liar,” I accused, and his smile grew.

“Hey, you know what I bet would make you feel better?”

“Switching high schools?” I snarked over my shoulder as I walked back to the cushions on the floor.

“Nope. Scratching my head.”

“Why does your head itch? You got lice?”

“What? No!” he yelled defensively. “That’s like some little kid shit, isn’t it?”

“Mostly, but anyone can get it. Besides, how old are Flint and Quarry now anyway? They could have brought it home from school.”

“Six and eleven, but we don’t share a room or anything anymore.” He was blinking a lot and I could tell he was starting to worry.

“Till, just ’cause you sleep on the couch doesn’t mean they couldn’t have left it there for you. Come on. Sit down and I’ll check. Crystal had lice when we were in fifth grade. She was miserable.” I paused as an idea hit me. “Hey! If you really have lice, can you give it to Daniel and Crystal before getting rid of it?”

“Sure. I’d be happy to! How do I give it to them?” he asked, so genuinely interested that I couldn’t help but smile.

“Just rub your head on them or something. Maybe lend Bennett one of your beanies,” I joked, but Till stood there for a minute studying me.

“Sorry,” was all he said before diving at me.

He caught me completely off guard, and I toppled over backwards. Before I even had a chance to react, he had my arms pinned and was straddling my hips.

“What the hell!” I yelled as he began rubbing the top of his head against mine. He was thorough too, twisting his head from side to side to touch every inch of mine.

“There,” he said before finally moving off me. “Since this whole lice thing was your idea, I figured we should really experience it together.” A slow grin slid across his mouth. Obviously, he was proud of his thought process.

“Have you lost your freaking mind? Why would you try to give me lice? It wasn’t my idea! You have an itchy head, so I simply asked if you had lice. That’s it!”

“Well, shit, Doodle. I didn’t realize you would be this ungrateful. I was just trying to be a good friend so we could lean on each other for support during a difficult time.” He winked.

Like, actually
winked.
I probably had bugs crawling in my hair, and Till was winking.

That one moment probably summed up our relationship better than anything else. Till always made things hard for me, but in some strange way, he always made them infinitely better as well.

Case in point.

Harder:
For twenty minutes, Till lay with his head in my lap as I nervously inspected his hair to see if
we
had lice. We didn’t.

Better:
For two hours after that, he lay with his head in my lap laughing and holding my sketchpad against his chest as I drew Crystal and Daniel voodoo dolls. I scratched his head with one hand, and he pointed out additional flaws I should add to our Juliette and her Romeo.

Occasionally, Till would go one step further and pull out a
best:
Just as I looked down to ask a question, I met his hazel eyes staring up at me. He didn’t look away or become awkward after being caught. Instead, a warm smile lifted the corner of his mouth. His eyes weren’t burning with desire the way I’m sure mine were, instead they were deep and content.

Yeah.

The absolute best.

When the intensity of our stare became too much, I cleared my throat and asked, “What time are social services coming tomorrow? You should probably go home.”

“Eleven.” He glanced at his watch. “You want to stay here with me tonight? I don’t feel like going back there. I need to get up early and clean that hell hole before they get there, though. She threatened to take Flint and Quarry last time if things weren’t better.”

“Crap.” I breathed.

“It’ll be okay. Flint’s done a lot the past week. Mom’s leaving to have Tammy do her nails in the morning, so I’m gonna try to make it at least look decent while she’s gone. She might not give a damn, but I do. I just can’t deal with her shit tonight.” He tried so hard to play it off as no big deal, but as he lifted his hand to toy with his bottom lip, I knew he was bothered.

“Okay. I’ll stay.” I said simply before settling next to him. My parents weren’t going to worry if I didn’t come home, but I’d worry about Till waking up in time if I left. “You know if you ever need . . .” He interrupted me before I could offer any assistance.

“Night, Doodle.” He rolled away, halting all further conversation.

Eventually, I fell asleep. We weren’t cuddled up next to each other the way I would have preferred the first time we ever slept together, but after a terrible night, I still fell asleep with cheeks that were sore from smiling.

Even at seventeen I knew I loved Till Page, but I didn’t have grand dreams of how perfect our lives would be together. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment. But I think it was more because I didn’t want to face the fact that there was a future at all—one that may or may not have included him. I just wanted to live with Till in the present where there was no pressure to pretend to be anyone else. A present where I kept his stomach full of canned foods, and he kept me warm and needed. I scratched his head, and he healed my heart.

One day they were going to knock down that building and snatch that life away from us. But with a half boy half man snoring loudly beside me, I was blissfully blinded by the present.