Finding Divine (18 page)

It was only when the door was firmly shut in the woman’s face was Jessica able to calm down. Robin leaned against it. “I’ll have someone escort her out of this building and we’ll figure out how she got past security so it doesn’t happen again.” Robin promised.

Jessica wasn’t sure this was something she’d get over so easily.

Ann walked into Simon’s hospital room and took the seat next to his bed. He was in the same position she’d left him, His eyes were wide open as he stared into space. The flesh had practically melted away from his body. Though he hadn’t reached the point of emaciation, his cheeks appeared more hollow and his skin colorless. Ann’s heart ached at the sight he made.

She’d failed him in so many ways throughout his life. First, by not standing up to Harold when she saw how he used to pick on Simon for no reason at all. Second, for agreeing to have Simon sent away. Perhaps if they’d allowed Simon to take responsibility for that night like he’d wanted to he could have come to terms with what he’d done.  She’d reacted badly when she’d learned about the incident and had said some things she couldn’t take back. And now she’d failed him by not securing Jessica’s promise to see him.

Ann wanted to be angry with the younger woman who’d sent her away after she’d poured her heart out, but she couldn’t. Initially she was upset, but she couldn’t imagine what must have been like to lose a loved one in those circumstances.  And it was quite obvious she was battling her own mental health demons. Ann would never have approached Jessica in her obviously delicate condition if she wasn’t fighting for her son’s life.

Now she had to find some other way to get Simon to cooperate with his physicians.  “How are you feeling today, Simon?” she asked.

Most days he ignored her, but she hoped her news would at least draw him from the dark place he seemed to inhabit. “Simon, I saw Jessica today.”

He turned his head in her direction. “Jessica?”

Ann bit the inside of her bottom lip to keep herself from crying with relief of his acknowledgement. “Yes, I saw her today.”

“Why would you do that? What did you say to her?” he said through his teeth as his jaw was still wired shut. It was the most he’d actually said to her in weeks.

She decided not to answer that question just yet and instead revealed, “Jessica’s been hospitalized. She’s in a private clinic. I had someone track her whereabouts because I needed to speak to her.”

“She wasn’t in good shape when I saw her last. How is she?”

“From what I could tell, she’s getting therapy for her issues.”

“Did…did she ask about me?”

She closed her eyes briefly.
God forgive me
. “She did. Jessica was very sorry to hear about your car accident. Actually, she said, once she finishes her therapy and you with yours she’d like to see you. She told me she’d had a lot of time to think and with the baby on the way she believes the two of you should work things out.”

Simon’s eyes widened. “You’re not just saying that are you, because so help me…”

Ann shook her head vehemently. “No. She was very clear in what she said. She’s not ready to see you yet because she still has to complete her therapy. I hope you won’t be angry with me but I told her about the accident and she wants you to get better. If that doesn’t give you enough incentive to get better then at least think of the baby on the way.”

Simon’s eyes narrowed in a suspicious glare. “But when I last saw her she couldn’t stand to be around me.”

Ann felt guilty lying to him, but she’d do it again and again if it gave Simon the will to live again.  “Like I said, she’s in the hospital now getting the help she needs. I can’t promise issues won’t crop up between you two over this, but at least she’s willing to give you another chance, her words. Now the question is, do you love her enough to get better and build a future for the two of you and the baby?” She held her breath as she waited for his answer.

Simon searched her face, and Ann desperately hoped he didn’t see through her deception. Finally he shook his head and closed his eyes with a deep exhale. “Even if I am able to walk again, I think she’s better off without me. How can I expect her to forgive me for what I did when I can’t forgive myself? I’ll take care of Jessica and the baby financially and when I’m gone, everything I own will go to them.”

Ann’s heart plummeted. If this didn’t give him the will to fight she didn’t know what would. Tears cascaded her cheeks. “I know you don’t want to hear this Simon, but I’m sorry for not being the mother I should have been to you. I should have stood up to your father. I knew he was being unfair but I was scared to say something because I was scared he’d leave me.”

“And heaven forbid if you lost your social standing.” The contempt in Simon’s voice cut her to the quick but it was no less than she deserved.

“That was certainly part of it, but I’m sure you’re aware of my background. My parents died when I was young. I was raised by grandparents who were getting along in years. And then they were gone by the time I was fifteen. After that I was shuffled from one relative to the next. I never felt wanted and like I belonged. And then your father happened. He was the embodiment of all my childhood fantasies: handsome, wealthy and best of all he wanted me. I could see myself having a family with him. And that’s what I wanted more than anything. But once we were married it didn’t turn out the way I envisioned it. Your father strayed a lot and I was hurt and angry. But most of all I was scared of being alone, of being that unwanted teen who was a burden to everyone. I didn’t think I could make it on my own so I took comfort in someone else’s arms. Your father took my affair out on you even after he was positive you were his, and I let him because I was so weak. I allowed my fear to keep me from protecting you. I failed you therefore I’m just as guilty as you when it comes what happened with Jessica’s brother. You wouldn’t have fallen in with those degenerates had it not been for me. I don’t know exactly what happened that night but I know it’s not in your heart to be so brutal, so whatever demons were riding you, I take the blame. And for that I’m sorry. There’s nothing I’d love more than to make amends and one day be the mother I should have always been. But that can’t happen if you’re not here. And regardless of if you think it’s best to stay out of Jessica’s life you have a child on the way. That baby needs its father. Don’t make this arbitrary decision because you’re still holding on to guilt. Jessica wants you to be a part of the baby’s life. If you think you’re only hurting yourself by refusing to live then you’re wrong. It would not only hurt your father and me, but Penelope, Stuart and Pete. But most of all, Jessica and the baby.” Ann crossed her fingers on that last part but in her mind, the end justified the means.

Simon didn’t speak for a long time. At first she wondered if he’d actually listened. Just when it was on the tip of her tongue to say more, Simon responded. “I don’t know what to say. I thought I’d lost her.”

Ann dared to reach for his hand and to her surprise and secret joy, he didn’t flinch or yank his hand away. “You haven’t. You’re getting a second chance.”

Simon didn’t say anything for several moments before something gleamed in his eyes. There was a spark that hadn’t been there in weeks, one Ann believed to be hope. “Then I guess I’ll have to do everything in my power to get me walking again.”

And that’s exactly what Ann had hoped he’d say. God help her when Simon found out the truth.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“So what do you think about becoming the mother of twins?” Ellie chuckled, staring pointedly at Jessica’s pronounced belly.

Jessica sighed, giving her stomach an affectionate rub. Twins! She was having twins! Being that she was one herself, it shouldn’t have surprised her so much, but just when she was getting used to the idea of one baby, the doctor dropped the bomb on her.   “Well, it will certainly be an experience that’s for sure. At least they’ll be playmates for each other.”

“But don’t you at least want to find out what they are first? I took the brats shopping this past weekend and I saw the most adorable baby clothes. I wanted to get you something but I wasn’t sure what color I should get.”

Jessica smiled at her friend’s thoughtfulness. “If that’s your subtle way of saying you want me to find out the sex of the babies then forget it. I’ll just be happy if they’re healthy. My parents are thrilled at least. They both said they’ll help me out. Assistance will certainly be needed.”

“You’ll of course have mine. The kids can’t wait for the twins to come. Kara has already asked if she could babysit, but I explained to her I didn’t think you’d entrust a nine year old for that task. She’s currently not speaking to me.”

“Ahh, poor thing. Even if she is too young for babysitting, you’re always welcome to bring her over for a visit. She can be one of my helpers.”

Ellie took a sip of her lemonade. “I’m sure she’d like that. She’s always been a big help to me with her younger siblings.” She paused, as a hesitant look crossed her pretty face. There was something on her friend’s mind that she was obviously uncomfortable asking.

“What is it, El?”

“How is your treatment coming along? Will you be out of here before the babies come?”

Jessica smiled at her friend to let her know she was okay talking about her circumstances. “It’s okay, hon. I’m here for psychiatric treatment. You can say it.”

“I’m glad to hear you’re coping with everything so well.”

“It seems like it’s taken me forever to get to a point of acceptance but I’ve made a lot of breakthroughs these past couple of months. This connection I have with the life forms growing inside my body has made me want to get better. There’s been so much I’ve bottled up these past years, that it’s no wonder I had a breakdown.”

“But the important thing is you’re getting better.”

Jessica nodded in agreement. “I hope so. I’ve certainly run the entire gambit of emotions. For the first time in twelve years, I’ve allowed myself to grieve for Jason properly. Even though I’d visited Jason’s grave with regularity it was hard to actually say that he’s dead. I’d never fully accepted that he’s gone. Admitting it was the first step to my healing. And Robin has been a lifesaver. She’s helped me cope with these feelings as well given me techniques for dealing with my anxiety. I’ve learned to let go of some of the guilt I’ve been carrying as well.”

“Guilt because you’re still alive and Jason’s not?” Ellie asked gently.

“That’s part of it, but mainly because the night he was killed, my mom wanted me to run to the store for her but I wasn’t feeling well. Jason volunteered to go. Not a day has gone by without me thinking it should have been me.  I was riddled with guilt and angry with myself. And then I was mad at Jason for leaving me. It’s time to let it all go. Jason is dead and not coming back, but I have to honor his memory in a way I know he would have wanted. And that means I have to stop blaming myself and learn to live my life to the fullest.”

Ellie widened her eyes in apparent surprise. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you put it that way.”

“Put it what way?”

“You just said your brother is dead. It’s the first time I’ve actually heard you say it.”

Jessica sniffed as tears sprang to her eyes. “Yeah, I suppose I did. It’s been a long time coming, hasn’t it?”

“And how do you feel about saying it?”

“It still makes me sad, but it’s a little easier to deal with now. I’ve been in a constant state of mourning for twelve years and look what’s it’s done to me. Even when I thought I was taking charge of my life again, all I was really doing was masking the pain. I think my breakdown was a long time coming. The circumstances kind of escalated it.” She was careful not to mention Simon. That was one part of the healing process she hadn’t yet dealt with.

“You certainly look better. You’ve put on some much needed weight and you’re absolutely glowing, sweetie. I can’t believe you’re not sick of the hospital food yet.”

“The food actually isn’t that bad. I order my meals from a menu almost as if I were in a restaurant. On top of that, Dad brings the occasional pizza or hoagie when I get cravings. I sometimes get these really specific cravings. Last night I woke up dying for some fried shrimp. Mom brought me some this morning when I called her, and a slice of her famous butter cake.”

Ellie threw her head back and laughed. “Well you’re beginning to pick up a little weight. It looks good on you, hon. I wish I had that kind of service.”

“I get plenty of exercise as well. I’m not allowed to lie in bed all day. Robin takes me to the in-house gym and I walk on the treadmill for about a half hour, or do some pregnancy yoga techniques the trainer has taught me. Sometimes we walk outside if the weather is nice. I like days like this when I can come outside, sit on the lawn chair and soak up some sun. I think the kids like it too because they kick like crazy whenever the sun hits my skin.”

“They love it when it’s warm. I remember my last two doing the same thing.” A brief silence fell between them as they lounged in their chairs, sipping limeade and enjoying the final days of an Indian summer. It was Ellie who finally broke the quiet.  “And what about Simon? Have you and Robin been able to talk about that? I mean, the babies will be here in the next few months, and regardless of the circumstances, he is the father.”

Even after the two and a half months of therapy, Simon was still a subject she had difficulty discussing. It wasn’t as if she could ignore his existence. After all, as Ellie had pointed out, she was carrying his children. “I guess I’m still trying to work through those issues. He killed Jason, and whenever I see him from now on, it will be in the back of my head what he did. Although I think he’s sorry for what he did, I don’t know how I can get past it. Robin and I talk about it sometimes, but nothing’s been resolved in that matter.”