Finding Divine (13 page)

“Is Jessica home?”

The blonde’s frown deepened. For a moment he thought she wouldn’t answer, but she did, albeit reluctantly. “I take it you’re Simon?”

“Yes. Please, could you tell me if she’s home?”

The blonde folded her arms over her chest. “The question shouldn’t be if she’s home, it should be whether she’ll see you or not. If you ask me, I think it’s rather audacious of you showing up like this. Don’t you think you’ve caused her enough pain already without trying to force your way back into her life?”

“Looks like I’m at a disadvantage here. You obviously know who I am, but I have no clue who you are.”

“I’m a friend of Jessica’s and that’s all you need to know. And you must be nuts if you think I’d allow you to see her right now when she’s upset enough. I just convinced her to eat something after several days, mind you. Do you honestly think I’d allow you to come inside when she’s just starting to make progress? Why don’t you go back to the rock you crawled under from and leave Jessica alone? She’s suffered enough.”

Simon’s heart clenched in his chest. Jessica wasn’t eating? It hurt him to know he’d caused her this much pain but he had to talk to her at least this one time before he left. “Please just give me a few minutes to see her and I’ll leave her alone.”

“Are you deaf? She doesn’t want to see you at all. Didn’t she make that clear to you the last time you saw her?” the woman asked.

Actually, Jessica hadn’t said anything at all. After she’d passed out in the hospital, some nurses came to her aid and then she was taken to a room for observation. He’d wanted to stick around, but every time he tried to enter her room, she grew hysterical. After that, the doctor had banned him from seeing her.

Then, Jessica’s father had shown up. No words had been exchanged, but the message was loud and clear. The look of pure hatred said it all. He figured Jessica must have managed to convey who he was to her dad, hence the instant hostility he felt emanating from the older man. He would have thrown himself at the man’s feet and apologize for all he was worth if he thought it would make things better. Instead, Simon stood by helplessly. He hadn’t seen her since and that was over two weeks ago.

“Please,” he pleaded, coming close to shedding tears.

“This isn’t about you. She doesn’t want to see you and that’s that.”

“I want to hear her say it.”

“You arrogant son of a bitch. You killed her brother, ingratiated yourself into her life, hid it from her, and then knocked her up. I’d say she’s had enough of you to last a lifetime.”

Simon froze. Knocked her up? “She’s pregnant?”

The woman’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth as if she’d just given away a huge secret. “Slip of the tongue,” she said quickly, but not fast enough for him not to realize she was lying.

“If she’s pregnant with my child, I think she and I definitely need to talk.”

“It’s not all about you. If she sees you, who knows how she’ll react. Okay, she’s pregnant. I guess you were bound to find out anyway, but if you really care about her, you’d leave Jessica alone. Right now she isn’t mentally stable, and the doctors are already worried about her carrying the baby to term if she continues on the way she has. You don’t want to be responsible for two murders, do you?”

Simon’s heart felt like it had fallen to his feet.

Jessica’s guardian bit her bottom lip, a look of regret crossing her face. She must have realized how cruel her comment sounded even though it wasn’t unwarranted. “I’m sorry. That came out the wrong way, but I’m sure you can appreciate my dilemma. My best friend is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and your presence won’t do her much good.”

Simon bowed his head in defeat with a sigh. “You’re right, I have no right to come here demanding to be seen. I don’t want to cause Jessica or the baby any harm, but could you please tell her something for me?”

The blonde shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Simon grabbed her hand and clutched it in earnest. “I understand I’m
persona non grata
, but please let her know one thing. I beg you,” he pleaded with desperation.

She rolled her eyes and made an exaggerated sigh. “Fine. What is it that you want me to tell her?”

“You promise you’ll tell her? You’re not just giving me lip service just to send me away?”

“I said I’d tell her. Don’t make me change my mind,” she huffed impatiently.

“Please tell her that I wanted to tell her as soon as I found out who she was, but I was so scared of losing her. I took the coward’s route tried to cover it up. I want Jessica to know that I love her very much, and not a day has passed that I don’t think about what I did. If I could, I’d take it back. I wish to God it had been me instead of him who died, but it wasn’t. I can’t change that. No one can, but when she’s ready to talk to me, she knows where to find me.” Simon quickly brushed a stray tear away.

She gave him a long assessing stare before finally relaxing her stance. She threaded her fingers through her hair and exhaled. “This is such a mess. I have to admit, you’re not at all what I expected.  I guess I pictured a bald-headed Neo-Nazi with a swastika tattoo on his neck. I’m Ellie, by the way.” She didn’t offer her hand to him but the fact that she introduced herself was something at least.

So this was Jessica’s friend and business partner whom she’d talked a lot about. He wished they could have met under better circumstances. “I’d really appreciate it if you could pass the message on to her, Ellie.”

“I will, but not because I condone what you did. Actually, it turns my stomach that you’ve gotten off scot-free and then to withhold this information from her. That being said, I do think you actually care about her. Jessica deserves a little happiness in her life, but with you, I’m not really sure if that’s possible. For the baby’s sake, however, maybe you guys can work out some kind of visitation arrangement.”

Initially, the idea of becoming a father gave him a tremendous amount of joy. Now it filled him with dread as he faced the likelihood of only being a part time dad—if he was lucky. “Thank you for saying that.”

Just then, Jessica herself came to the door and Simon was horrified at her appearance. In the two and a half weeks since he’d seen her, she’d lost weight, and her skin had a gray tinge to it. Her vibrant brown eyes were almost lifeless and they now stared at him vacantly.

Simon’s resolve to leave her alone vanished. He wanted to drop to his knees and beg his forgiveness if he thought if it would make a difference. “Jessica,” he whispered her name.

Ellie shot him a pleading look. “Simon, talking to her won’t do any good.”

“She must have heard my voice.” He looked at the woman he loved, his heart in his throat. “Did you come to the door because you wanted to talk to me?”

Ellie shook her head. “She can hear you, but she can’t
hear
you.”

Simon frowned. “What the hell are you talking about? She’s standing right there.”

The blonde stepped aside. “Fine. Go ahead and talk to her and see what happens.”

Simon stepped inside the apartment and did what he wanted to do the moment he saw Jessica. He pulled her into his arms, and stroked her hair. “Baby, I’ve missed you so much. I’m so sorry, Jess. So sorry.” He held her, not breathing, afraid to move and end this moment, knowing that this may be the last time he ever got to hold her.  When he realized she remained still in his arms he pulled back to notice she hadn’t registered he was there.

“I told you.”

“What’s wrong with her? Why isn’t she responding?”

“She’s been like for days. Her parents and I take turns sitting with her because it’s not a good idea to leave her alone. Her doctor has suggested hospitalization for the sake of the baby, but her parents won’t hear of it,” Ellie explained.

“She’s been like this for two weeks? So she hasn’t been ignoring my calls or anything like that?”

“She hasn’t been responsive to anyone. Well, she is sometimes, but not like she normally is.”

“But she’s walking around.”

“That’s about all she does. Jessica just paces. She doesn’t eat and she’ll sleep if someone makes her lay down, but she wakes up screaming blue murder. Sometimes she just starts crying. If she doesn’t get better soon, she will have to be hospitalized, because what we do manage to feed her isn’t enough to sustain an ant. To be honest, I agree with the doctors, but her parents are being stubborn.”

“If that’s the case, I’m surprised she isn’t staying with one of them right now.”

“Her mother took Jessica to stay with her and Jessica had a fit. The same thing happened at her father’s house. We don’t know what sets her off, but when she has an episode, it’s not pretty. That’s why we can’t leave her alone. She’s surprisingly calm right now. Maybe, she’s getting better. I don’t know.”

“I did this to her,” Simon whispered, feeling like a piece of shit.

Ellie shrugged. “Probably, but that’s neither here nor there now. You have to go just in case she does recognize you. It takes a lot to calm her down. Besides, her mother will be over soon and you need to be gone way before then.”

Simon agreed, not wanting his first meeting with Jessica’s mother under these circumstances.  He took Jessica’s hand, brought it to his lips and kissed it. “Jessica, I’m so sorry,” he whispered one last time before reluctantly releasing her.

As he slowly stepped backward, a flicker of recognition registered in her dark eyes.  Her mouth began to move, but no sound came out.

“Jessica?” he asked hopefully.

Ellie pulled Jessica away from him. “Leave now.”

“But she’s trying to say something.”

“Yes, and I doubt that you’ll like what she has to say. Please get out of here. If you care about her like you said you do then go.”

Jessica’s mouth continued to move, her hand reaching out to him. “Simon,” she finally said.

He had been on the verge of leaving but couldn’t leave when she said his name.

“I’m here, sweetheart.”

“Simon?” she asked.

“Yes, it’s me baby.”

“Simon?” Jessica asked his name again, but this time the sound of her voice was high pitched and frantic.

Ellie grabbed his arm and forcibly pushed him to the door. “You asshole! I told you to leave, but you wouldn’t leave well enough alone would you?”

To his horror, Jessica clutched the sides of her head and began to scream as if the place was on fire. Ellie rushed over to her friend. “Sweetie, it’s okay. I’ll make him leave.” Ellie’s words seemed to have no effect on the hysterical Jessica because she wouldn’t stop screaming.

Simon had never seen anything like it before. He feared for her. Tears swam down her face, and the screams grew higher and sharper.

Ellie enfolded Jessica in her arms. “Get out!” she yelled at him.

Simon, who’d been frozen to the spot, finally moved, his own tears threatening to spill.  “I’m sorry,” he apologized again before leaving the two women alone. Even with the door shut firmly behind him he could still hear her hysterical screams.

Despair weighed his every step. If that’s how she reacted whenever he was around, maybe he’d never get the chance to make amends. The thought was more than he could bear. Again he contemplated how much better things would have been if he had died that night instead of her brother. 

He’d fought so hard to get his life in order after that reckless night, and his selfish need to keep Jessica in his life had wrecked it. He’d destroyed Jessica by simply being in her life, and all because he didn’t have the decency to walk away.

The only true happiness he’d known in his life had been what he’d experienced with Jessica. Now it was gone, and so was his reason for living. It seemed as if he destroyed everything he touched. The last twelve years of trying to put things behind him had been for naught. As much as he was sure Jessica hated him it couldn’t come close to how much he hated himself.

Simon went on autopilot as he walked to his car and started the engine. On his drive home, he couldn’t get the image of Jessica out of his head. He’d done that to her and he rued the day he’d ever called those hoodlums his friends.

He’d sunken so deeply into his thoughts, Simon didn’t notice the light had turned red. A huge SUV smashed into his vehicle, sending his car careening through traffic where he was pushed into another vehicle.

The loud, ugly crunch of metal folding and windows breaking splintered his eardrums. The force of the airbag sent his head crashing into his seat. His life flashed before his eyes, and Simon’s last conscious thought was that he hoped he didn’t make it.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“Jessica, sweetie, will you at least try to eat this fresh fruit I brought you? If you don’t want it for yourself, think about the baby.” Marie pressed a strawberry against her daughter’s lips.

Jessica turned her head away. Her appetite was nonexistent. The thought of food made her gag. Why wouldn’t everyone just leave her alone? She was certain her mother meant well, but her presence was nerve-racking. No one could understand the pain and intense betrayal she felt right now.

She’d fallen in love with her brother’s murderer and was carrying his child to boot. As cruel or offhand as it may have seemed to other people, her pregnancy was the furthest thing from her mind. Besides, what kind of mother would she make after demonstrating such poor judgment in choosing a man like Simon? The one time she didn’t allow caution to rule her was when it horrifically blew up in her face.