Finding Divine (16 page)

“Simon, I will never win a prize for Best Father, but I’d like to make amends. Your mother and I have sought counseling, and the bonds of our marriage have strengthened because of it. And I hope one day we can have some kind of relationship as well.”

Simon closed his eyes. He’d never heard his father humble himself like this before, but he couldn’t let things go. Not after what he himself had done. “You have no idea what it’s like to live with what I did. I hear his pleas for help every night. The laughter, the taunting, and the slurs from my so-called friends still haunt me. But yet, I got to walk away from it all. I could have done more to stop it but I didn’t, and I live with it every day of my life, so you don’t really know what’s in my heart. I shouldn’t even have survived that car accident. It’s no less than I deserve for what I’ve done to that family and to Jessica.” A tear slid from the corner of Simon’s eye which he hastily wiped away.

“I hold myself as much accountable for that kid dying as you do,” Harold said quietly.

“Oh, I don’t think you do, unless you wake up screaming in the middle of the night with images of his limp bloody body, or eyes looking up at you asking a silent ‘why’.”

Silence met his statement.

“No. You don’t. So let’s not pretend you know how I fucking feel. Get out, now. I don’t want to see you. I may have come to the hospital when you had your heart attack, but it means nothing. You mean nothing to me.”

“Simon please---”

“Get out!” he exclaimed, wishing his jaws weren’t wired shut so his father would feel the full blast of his anger.

“But what about therapy?”

“Like I told Mother, I don’t care if I ever walk again, and if I see either one of you again it will be too soon. Now leave my goddamn room and don’t come back.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Jessica stared out the window from her hospital bed, trying to stave off the boredom. She wanted to get up and walk around, but the last time that happened dizziness had overcome her. There weren’t many opportunities for her to venture out around this place.

It was a beautiful day. The sunbeams glistened against the gardenias that decorated her windowsill, and made the flowers seem especially fragrant and colorful. She glanced up at the wall clock and released an inward groan. Dr. Wallis would be here shortly, a visit she wasn’t particularly looking forward to.

Jessica could almost stand being at this facility except for the visits from the therapist. She didn’t need someone to tell her how she should feel. What she needed was some peace.

“Good afternoon, Jessica,” Dr. Wallis stepped into the room with only a brief courtesy knock. As always, the other woman was well put-together, with windblown raven hair and big blue eyes. She had a face that even Jessica couldn’t stop staring at sometimes, and a slender body that looked good in most types of clothing. Always impeccably dressed, today she wore a white peasant skirt and a ruffled top that slid slightly off one elegantly curved shoulder. She seemed more suited to being a fashion model than a doctor. It just went to show she shouldn’t judge someone on their appearance alone.

Simon didn’t look like a murderer, but he was. The very thought sent a strong wave of pain through her body, making her shudder.

“Jessica, are you okay?” Dr. Wallis took a seat by her bedside.

Jessica shook her head. “I’m fine,” she croaked. Her voice was still a bit wobbly from lack of use.  It was only in the past week that she’d felt up to talking to anyone, much to her parents’ apparent relief. They’d hugged and kissed her and made such a fuss that she had to beg them to leave her alone.

“You didn’t look fine a minute again. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I didn’t want to talk about my feelings on your last visit or the one before that. What makes you think I want to talk about them now?”

“Because it may make you feel better. Look, I’m only here to help you. I’m not the enemy.” Jessica didn’t bother to answer Dr. Wallis, choosing to stare out the window again.

“Dr. Rikards tells me you haven’t been eating properly. If you keep this up, they’ll reinsert the feeding tube. Is that what you want?”

“Look, Dr--”

“Robin. Remember I told you to call me by my first name.”

“Look Robin, I know you’re here to do a job, but does it really look like I give a shit?” Jessica asked, letting out some of the pent-up anger within her. She was tired of feeling despondent, tired of her parents constant fussing over her, and the looks of pity by the staff. She was just tired of it all.

The doctor raised one dark brow, then stood up. For a moment, Jessica thought she’d walk out, but instead, Robin looked out into the hallway before closing the door.

Then she turned to Jessica with narrowed eyes, stalking back to her bed with tight, scarlet-painted lips. “No, I don’t think you give a shit, as you so delicately put it, but you’d better start giving a shit. It’s not longer about you, Jessica. You have a life growing inside you who’s depending on its mommy’s protection and at the rate you’re going, the poor thing won’t make it. Do you know how many people would kill to be carrying a child? I know I would. My husband and I have tried for years, and when we finally got pregnant, I carried full term only to give birth to a stillborn child, yet you lie there and calmly say you don’t give a shit. How dare you!”

Jessica’s mouth dropped, before she could gather the right words to say. “You can’t talk to me like that.”

“I’ll damn well talk to you any way I want to. You’re being a selfish brat, and it’s time for you to get over it. You’re not the only one in the world who’s ever suffered loss. Life is about changes. Some are good and other not so good, but we learn from our experiences. It’s how we grow as people. I’m not going to let you kill your child with apathy.”

Jessica had expected the therapist to try many tactics, but not this. She didn’t even know that doctors were allowed to talk to their patients this way. What could she say to that? Was she really being selfish? “You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand. I’ve read your file and know about what happened to your brother. I gleaned from what your parents shared with me that the baby you carry belongs to one of the men responsible for your brother’s death.”

“One of his murderers. Murderer. Get it right.”

Robin nodded. “Okay, murdered your brother. Maybe you can start out by telling me how you came to meet this…murderer.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, knowing this woman wouldn’t go away unless she told her something. Taking a deep breath, Jessica told the therapist the basics, starting from the time she and Simon had met at the cemetery, but leaving out the intimate details. All Jessica was willing to share at the moment was minimal information.

Robin rested her pointed chin in her fist. An expression of what appeared to be understanding shined in her eyes. She didn’t speak as Jessica relayed her story.

“So there you have it. And all I wish for now is for things thing to go back to the way they were.”

“But things can never go back to the way they used to be. You have a child to think about now, whether you want it or not.
              According to your charts you’re four and a half months along. Have you at least thought about what you wanted to do about the baby?”

“No. I try not to,” Jessica muttered, wishing they could stop talking about the baby.

“I think it’s time to start thinking about it, Jessica. Your due date will be here sooner than you know and then what?” How could she ignore it when already her body was beginning to change? Whenever Jessica moved she couldn’t help noticing the small swell in her stomach, telling her there was life forming beneath her heart.

“Why do you keep insisting we talk about this?”

“Because it’s time. And because you can’t go home until I say you’re okay.”

Jessica exhaled and leaned against her pillow with a sudden feeling of exhaustion flowing over her. “I guess we’re at a crossroads then. I can hold out. Do you have the time?”

The doctor shook her dark head, her frustration obvious. “You’re being childish, and you know what happens if I don’t say you’re okay? When you have the baby, you couldn’t keep it here. Do you want to be separated from your child or would you rather work with me to get you in a healthier frame of mind?”

“You’re starting to sound like a broken record, Dr. Wallis. Look, how about you stop wasting my time and yours and just write me off. Can’t you see I’m broken? I have been since Jason died and then just when I found someone who could make me whole again, it turned out to be one cruel lie. There’s nothing left of me for you to save.”

“I can’t do that. I don’t write off any of my patients, especially when I know there’s hope.”

“And what makes you think there’s hope for me?”

“Because you might not realize it, but you just revealed something very telling about yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your identity has always been tied in with your brother, presumably because you’re twins, but maybe the reason why you haven’t felt whole, as you stated, was because you never really learned who Jessica really is. And perhaps it’s time for you to get to know her. And at the risk of sounding like a broken record again, you have the baby and your parents, and your friends. I understand you’re a business owner as well. I saw that you have plenty going for you. I’ll tell you what. Let’s not talk about the bad stuff. We’ll talk about the things that make you happy.”

Jessica closed her eyes and accepted defeat. If talking about it made the doctor go away then she would. “Fine.”

The other woman smiled. “Let’s start with something simple, like your business. Tell me about it.”

“It’s a high-end thrift shop. We carry gently used and pre-owned designer clothing, hard to find books and some antiques. We, my business partner Ellie and I, have done pretty well because we don’t hold our items hostage.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean our items are reasonably priced, so we’re not charging an arm and a leg like other stores. We started out small with an online business and we’ve expanded to a real brick and mortar operation. We have a small coffee shop within the store, and a bunch of broken-in couches we got from garage sales or from the used furniture store, that gives our place a real homey look. We’ve attracted a lot of customers that way. We get a lot of college-aged customers because we always sell textbooks at a discount. Then we have the regulars who come in because they like the environment. They can come in and read a book on the couch and most of the time, they make a purchase. Business has been doing so well, we’ve considered expanding.”

“That sounds fascinating. I’ll have to check it out one day.”

“Please don’t patronize me.”

The doctor lifted one perfectly arched brow. “I wasn’t patronizing you. I am an avid reader and a firm believer in supporting small businesses. It’s a wonder you can sit up straight.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean you’re carrying an awfully large chip on your shoulder. If it gets too big, you’re going to have another breakdown.”

Jessica rubbed her temples to stave off an impending headache. “I thought we were going to have a pleasant conversation without you trying your psychology mumbo-jumbo on me.”

“I thought so too, but your defensiveness is making it difficult. You’re using anger to mask your pain but the only person you’re hurting is yourself.”

It was on the tip of Jessica’s tongue to give a lashing retort, but suddenly she felt a light fluttering in her stomach. It was unlike anything she’d felt before. Had she just imagined it? Then she felt it again. Instinctively her hand touched the slight swell of her belly. “Oh my goodness. What was that?”

“What is it, Jessica? Do you need medical assistance?” Dr. Wallis stood up, poised to take action.

She shook her head. “I think the baby is moving. I didn’t think I’d be able to feel movement this early on.” Again she felt the light flutter within. Until now, her pregnancy had been a surreal thing. She could just ignore it and pretend it was happening to someone else, but actually feeling the baby’s activity within her body was wondrous. Tears leap to her eyes, and her heart began to swell with an emotion she never thought she’d experience for the child she carried. This was really happening. She was having a baby.

“Jessica?” Dr. Wallis touched her arm.

“I don’t know what to say. I mean only a moment ago…”

“I know. It’s an amazing feeling, isn’t it? I remember when I carried my daughter, the first time I felt her kick was the happiest moment of my life. It certainly puts things into perspective.”

Jessica frowned. Didn’t she tell her that she’d given birth to a stillborn baby? “Your daughter?”

“Yes. Rose was her name. We had to name her and bury her. Just because she didn’t make it, doesn’t mean that she wasn’t my child.”