Finding Divine (19 page)

“Jess, if he presses for visitation rights, they’ll probably be granted. Besides, he owes you some kind of support for the kids. The store is doing well, no doubt, but raising one child is expensive. Just think of the cost of raising two.”

Jessica shrugged. “My parents did it.”

“And there were two of them. There’s only one of you. Be realistic here. Can you really keep Simon away if he wants to be a part of their lives?”

“I guess not, but I’ll deal with it when the time comes.”

“No,” her friend said firmly, shaking her head. “You’ll have to deal with it now. Bottling things up is what got you here in the first place.”

Jessica put her glass down, and wobbled off her chair until she stood. It was getting harder each week to move freely. “I know, but it’s hard for me to reconcile the man I believed I loved to someone who could maliciously beat a teenager to death.” She began to pace up and down the lawn, needing to keep in motion.

“Something else you may want to think about is there were three other men involved, one of whom confessed to being the ringleader and the other two agreed, so you don’t actually know what Simon’s role was that night. Maybe you need to talk to him and hear what happened that night from his point of view. I think it’ll help you move on. I know it hurts, sweetie, but its best to deal with these issues now when you’re around people who are trained to help you. If you leave it until later, it would probably hurt far more in the long run and possibly affect your children. I know you don’t want that.”

Ellie’s words made sense, but how could she face him knowing what he’d done? How he’d made her fall in love with him and basically made a fool out of her. And worst of all, how could she look him in the face when her feelings for him remained unresolved? “Yes, I know.”

As if Ellie had read her mind, she asked, “Do you still love him?”

As much as Jessica wanted to deny it, part of her therapy was being
completely honest with herself and others about her feelings. “I’m not sure. I loved him with all my heart. I know it happened quickly but my heart was completely engaged. That’s not something you can easily turn off. If I could, maybe this ordeal would be a little easier to bear.” Since learning of his accident, she’d thought about Simon and his well-being. If his mother was to be believed, she wouldn’t have wished that fate on anyone, not even Simon. Part of her wanted to see him, but another part wouldn’t let her. These conflicting emotions confused the hell out of her.

“From my brief encounter with him, I’d say he is sorry, but I understand how hard it to forgive something so unconscionable and how he got to walk away from it because his father has money. That being said, he was a teenager himself when it happened. Maybe he was in a different place when it happened—or perhaps a different person. Twelve years is more than enough time for someone to change. I think you owe it to your children to have a sit-down with him.”

Jessica raised her brow. “Why are you suddenly being so solicitous toward him? Remember you were angry with him as well.”

“I was upset how he didn’t tell you who he was, which opened you up to this double heartache, but I’ve given this situation a lot of thought. The way he looked when I saw him haunts me. A man wouldn’t look like he’s gone through hell and back if he didn’t love you.  How do you know that you wouldn’t have done the same thing if the situations were reversed?”

“You mean getting a group of my friends to beat his sibling because I didn’t like the color of their skin?” Jessica snorted.

The blonde rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean, Jess. Stop being so damned facetious. Besides, if he was racist he would hardly have been with you, right? That’s what got me to thinking. Had you been in his place, could you have walked away once you learned the truth? From what you told me, the two of you fell in love fast but deeply.  The man was probably terrified of what you’d say, because by that point he’d fallen in love with you and didn’t want to risk losing you.”

“How can you possibly know what went on in his head?”

Ellie shrugged. “I don’t know for sure, but I’ve pieced things together by what you’ve told me and from my observations of his visit to you. I don’t know if his words registered, but he sounded sincere. Perhaps I’m a sucker for thinking this, but I believed him.”

“I’d be a traitor to Jason’s memory if I allowed Simon back into my life,” Jessica whispered, more confused than ever.

“Would Jason have wanted you to hold on to this grudge for so long? You speak so highly of him, which makes me conclude he had a huge heart, a heart big enough to forgive. Maybe the real problem here is that your guilt won’t allow you to find happiness at Jason’s expense.”

Jessica walked to her lawn chair and plopped down again. Ellie’s observation sounded plausible, but she wasn’t sure she had the strength to face Simon again.

Marie was on her way out the door, when she saw Keith pull up in the driveway in his brand-new, fire engine red convertible. Her lips tightened. Just like a middle-aged fool to get such an impractical car. He probably only got it to impress the younger women he was so partial to dating. She had no clue why he’d come for a visit because it had literally been years since he’d set foot in her house. They may have been on speaking terms of late for Jessica’s sake, but seeing him here remained a surprise.

As he slid out of the sleek vehicle, she gulped. Lord, he was just as handsome as ever. It was humiliating how her knees felt like mush whenever she saw him.  She should have been over him all this time, but whenever he was near, she couldn’t help remembering the good times.

Marie walked down the drive to meet him. “What are you doing here?” she demanded, a little more harshly than she’d intended.

Keith grinned, revealing large white teeth. “And hello to you, too.”

Marie rolled her eyes. “I don’t have time for this. I’m on my way out to run some errands. What do you want? Don’t you have a teenager to date?”

“Could you not start? I came over to see how you were doing.”

“Why? You’ve never stopped by before Jessica went into the clinic. Why now?”

“Dammit Marie, would you stop being so hostile? I wanted to see you is all. Is that such a crime?”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t know. That depends on the on what you wanted to see me for. Just tell me what you want and go.”

He shook his head, a look of annoyance crossing his dark face. “Like I said I came here to see you. I’ve enjoyed spending time with you these past weeks, and fool that I was, hoped that the feeling was mutual. I’m sorry I bothered.” He turned abruptly and stalked to his car.

A lump rose in her throat. Why had she been so nasty to him, when there’d been no call for it? “Keith wait,” she called to him, but he kept walking.

Balling her fists at her sides, she took a deep breath and went after him. Grabbing his arm, she halted him. “Keith, I’m sorry. I was being bitchy just now. Won’t you come in and have something to drink?”

He hesitated for a moment. “Don’t you have some errands to run?”

“They can wait. Come inside. I’d made some iced tea earlier, just how you like it.”

The big smile returned. “I can’t say no to that.”

As they settled down in her living room, drinks in hand, Marie’s hands trembled nervously, her body tight with awareness for him. In the ten years they’d been apart, she hadn’t so much as looked at another man. When she’d attempted to date, Marie would end up comparing them to her ex-husband. Why was she still so attracted to him after what he’d done? Perhaps she was just as much to blame for the breakdown of their marriage as Keith was, but that was beside the point.

“You look good. You always do,” he complimented, looking at her over his glass with his chocolate bedroom eyes.

A pool of moisture formed in her panties.
Shit.
The more she tried to remain unaffected by him the more her body reacted. “Thank you, Keith. You look well also.”

“Is there any need for such formality?”

She blinked, hoping to convey a nonchalance she didn’t feel. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Whatever do you mean?” he mimicked. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re speaking as if we’re a couple of strangers. I meant what I said outside. I liked spending time with you recently.”

“Keith, it was only for Jessica’s sake.”

“Does it have to be the only reason we socialize?”

“What other reason could there be?” she asked nervously, her hands shaking so badly that she set her drink on the end table and quickly hid them behind her back so he wouldn’t notice.

He stood and stalked to where she sat with slow movements that reminded her of a jungle cat. When he sat next to her, his thigh touching hers, Marie thought she’d faint. His thumb grazed the side of her cheek. “You still have the most delicious cocoa skin I’ve ever since.”

“Keith, don’t,” she whispered weakly.

“Make me. I know you had to have felt it too. The time we’ve spent together, I fought to keep my distance, but I can’t fight anymore, Marie. It’s been too long.”

“In case you’ve forgotten, we’re divorced.” Although she protested, Marie didn’t pull away. Her body practically sizzled from his touch.

“What about your other women? Isn’t one of them available? Are you so desperate for female attention that you had to come over here?”

“Marie. Shut up. If you didn’t want this, you would have pulled away by now, but you didn’t. I’ve said it for years, and I’ll say it again, you’re the only woman I ever really wanted. I only wish that I hadn’t waited for our daughter to have a breakdown to take action.

“But--”

He cut her off by covering his lips with his.