Finding Forgiveness (Finding Series, Book 4) (8 page)

Hunter dropped his eyes but didn’t respond otherwise.

“I don’t want to be one of those people, Hunter. I don’t want to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel.”

That seemed to get Hunter’s attention because he lifted his eyes.

“When we came into the cabin, did you see my brother and Luke?”

Hunter had been behind Roman when they’d entered the cabin through the back door so he hadn’t been sure if Hunter had seen the way Gray and Luke were holding onto each other as they spoke softly in the kitchen.

“What did you see?”

“They were touching, talking,” Hunter said softly.

“Did you see anything else?”

“They…they reminded me of Gran and Pops. They used to do that – get so lost in each other that it was like nothing else existed.”

“So you didn’t see two men doing something wrong?”

Hunter shook his head. “I saw two people in love,” he said quietly as he slowly lowered himself back down to the bed. Roman was pleased when Hunter rested his head on Roman’s stomach and Roman used the opportunity to brush his fingers over Hunter’s soft hair.

“I wish I could take this from you, Hunter,” Roman whispered.

Hunter turned over so that he was facing Roman. His eyes were heavy with a mix of pain and confusion as they settled on his left arm which was completely covered save for the little bit of white bandaging peeking beneath the cuff. “It was an accident…the first time it happened.” His eyes lifted to meet Roman’s. “I got really sick the week of my mid-terms during my freshman year. I ended up getting a C on one of them and my dad lost it. He accused me of getting the bad grade on purpose. I told him I’d be able to get my grade back up before the semester ended but I don’t know if he even heard me. When I hung up the phone it was like something inside of me just snapped. In that moment I hated everyone and everything and I just…” Hunter shook his head slowly, clearly unable to continue with whatever he’d been about to say.

He took a deep breath and finally said, “I just started grabbing things and throwing them - I was completely out of control. I’d been cooking something on the stove and when I grabbed the pan, the grease spilled onto my arm. The pain was so intense that it just took everything else away. Everything that had been swirling around inside of me just disappeared – like someone popping a balloon. I cleaned up the mess I’d made, fixed myself something to eat and went on like it never happened. Every time those thoughts started to come back, I just looked at the burn on my arm and I felt better. But then it started to heal…”

“And the pain inside started to build again,” Roman offered gently.

Hunter nodded. “I knew it was wrong and I tried for a really long time not to do it again but then I’d start to think about Finn and the way he looked at me when I said what I said about him…” Hunter swallowed hard.

“Did you ever try to talk to him after that night?”

Shaking his head, Hunter said, “I left town the next morning. My dad…he sent me to stay with this pastor friend of his who ran a youth group. I didn’t realize what it was at first…”

Roman tensed as he realized the direction Hunter was headed in.

“Most of the first day was just about studying all these bible passages. Then the pastor brought in all these guys and girls who were supposed success stories and they started telling us how they’d found their way back to the light after being tempted to sin by the devil.”

“It was one of those ‘pray the gay away’ places,” Roman said softly.

Hunter nodded.

“I don’t understand. Why did your dad send you there if he believed your lie about Finn assaulting you?”

“I thought my dad would just kick Finn out of the party and tell him to stay away from me. But then he called the cops. While they were questioning Finn, I pulled my dad aside and tried to tell him that maybe it had all just been a misunderstanding…that maybe I’d accidentally sent Finn some kind of signal or something. I thought he’d just let it go. But he just told me to go in the house. Once everyone was gone, he came into my room and started yelling at me about sending out gay signals. Then he started asking me if it was because I was a queer. He got in my face and started asking me that over and over again so I told him I’d said that stuff about it being a misunderstanding because I was embarrassed for people to know a fag had touched me. That seemed to calm him down but he sent me to that place anyway. I was only there about a week because my dad pulled me out early so I could spend the rest of the summer interning for a friend of his who worked for the governor.”

“Did you come home at all after that?”

Hunter shook his head. “I was too ashamed. I cut myself off from everyone so I wouldn’t have to be reminded of what I’d done, especially because so many of them believed my lie.” Hunter’s eyes lifted to meet his. “I didn’t…I didn’t know things had gotten so bad for Finn or his boss. I figured it would all just blow over.” Hunter dashed at his eyes. “Luke said…he said Finn was with that guy and his boss, right?”

Roman nodded.

“You think he’s happy?” Hunter asked quietly. “I mean, he looked really happy talking to that guy…Rhys…before he saw me, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, I think he is. And if this is anything to go by,” – Roman gently brushed his thumb beneath the wound on Hunter’s cheek – “I think Rhys really cares about him.”

Hunter nodded and then closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Roman.”

“Sorry for what?” Roman asked.

“That I wasn’t more…” Hunter murmured as sleep began to claim him.

“More what?” Roman whispered.

“Just more.”

Chapter Six

“Where is he?” Roman nearly yelled as he hurried past Gray who was clearing dishes off the kitchen table.

“Relax,” Gray said. “He’s out in the shed with Luke,” Gray explained as he came up behind Roman in the living room and handed him a full cup of coffee. Relieved, Roman took the mug and set it down on the table next to the couch so he could finish buttoning up his shirt which he’d barely remembered to yank on shortly after waking up in the guest room by himself.

“What are they doing out there?” he asked as he tried to settle his nerves enough to work the buttons through holes that suddenly seemed too small. His first thought was that Hunter had taken off on foot down the mountain and images of his broken body laying bloodied and battered after being mauled by some wild animal or falling down a ravine had tormented him in the few long seconds it had taken him to climb out of bed and drag on his pants. Then he’d seen the closed bathroom door and he’d panicked at the thought of opening it to find Hunter lying in a pool of bloody water.

“Hunter was asking about the bookshelf,” Gray said as he motioned to the custom bookshelf Luke had made for Gray. It was a truly beautiful piece of furniture with several white birch trees making up the back and sides of the bookcase. “Luke’s been playing around with the idea of trying to make more furniture so he took Hunter out there to show him some of his tools and stuff.”

“Did he seem okay this morning?” Roman asked as he grabbed his coffee and followed Gray back to the kitchen.

“Little tired…nervous at first but he opened up once he and Luke started talking about the bookshelf. He’s a nice kid. Sit, I’ll make you some breakfast.”

“Um, just the coffee, thanks,” Roman said as he dropped down in one of the kitchen chairs.

Gray settled in the chair across from him. “Rough night?”

Roman nodded. Throughout the night, Hunter had had several nightmares. The first one had just had him bolting upright in bed, his breath coming in heavy drags. Roman had asked him about the dream but Hunter had merely shaken his head and lain back down. He hadn’t been fully awake during the second and third and both had started with him begging his unknown attacker to stop. Roman had managed to pin his arms to keep him from lashing out at him and after a few soft words, Hunter had settled and then drifted back off to sleep. He’d had the same nightmare once the previous night when they’d spent the night at the lake but Roman had figured it was a normal, one-time thing. Now he wasn’t so sure. Although Hunter refused to call what the bikers had done to him rape, it was unlikely he’d walked away from the encounter with only a battered body.

“I’m sorry, Gray,” Roman said softly as his eyes met his brother’s across the table.

“For what?” Gray asked gently.

“For not telling you I was in town. For not having any intention of telling you,” Roman admitted.

“I kind of figured that was the way of things,” Gray said.

“Yet you kept calling, texting. Why?”

“Same reason you came out here to check on me three months ago, I suppose,” Gray answered. “You actually had me with that story about Mom – Victoria – being worried about me. I called her right after you left. Apparently I interrupted one of her sessions with clients because she only had enough time to ask me what I wanted and to scold me for my behavior embarrassing her.”

“Sorry,” Roman muttered. He hadn’t given much thought to the validity of his lie or that Victoria would be so dismissive of Gray even after weeks of him seemingly dropping off the face of the earth.

“Don’t be. That was one of the best days of my life.”

That got Roman’s attention and he whipped his head up. “What?”

“It was the day I realized I might actually have another chance with you…to be the big brother I should have been all along.”

A strange mix of excitement and anger went through Roman. He wanted to yell that it was too fucking late – that he didn’t need Gray. But it was complete and utter bullshit. Maybe he didn’t want to need Gray but he’d been exactly the first person Roman had thought of when he’d understood the truth about what Hunter was doing himself.

“Don’t worry Roman, I’m not looking for miracles,” Gray said gently. “I already got more than my fair share of those.”

Roman had no doubt who Gray was talking about, at least for the first miracle. He suspected beating cancer was a very close second to finding the love of his life.

“I saw those burns on his arm and I just…I just went right back to that night…”

“To the night you lost your mom you mean?” Gray asked.

Roman swallowed hard. “You know about that?”

“Not the details,” Gray responded. “I heard Mo-Victoria say how your mom died when she was fighting with Dad one night when I was home from college. I’m sorry, Roman. No one ever told me when you first came to live with us.”

“I’m sure it was hard enough to hear your dad had been cheating on your mom all those years. It probably wouldn’t have mattered much that his mistress killed herself,” Roman said. After a moment, he continued. “She never did what Hunter does but she always had that same empty look in her eyes that I sometimes see in his. When I saw what he’d done to himself, I just panicked. I knew I had to get him out of there but it was like I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. What if I did or said something to make things worse? What if I missed some sign and he…”

The thought was too disturbing to even contemplate so Roman snapped his mouth shut. He was surprised when he felt Gray’s hand close over his where it was resting on the table.

“Roman, even if you spend the rest of your life hating me, I will always be here if you need me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Roman murmured. “I just…”

“You can’t forgive me,” Gray finished for him.

God, Roman felt like such a fucking hypocrite. Hadn’t he been urging Hunter to forgive himself for the mistakes he’d made and yet he couldn’t find it in himself to let go of the pain Gray’s indifference had caused him all those years ago?

He must have been quiet too long because Gray said, “Can I ask you something?”

Roman nodded.

“Is there something between the two of you?”

Roman smiled. “Just going to go right to it, huh?”

A small smile graced Gray’s lips. “It’s just…he’s so young and you guys are so different. I didn’t even know you were interested in men.”

Roman’s first instinct was to say Gray hadn’t been around enough to know about his preferences but he bit back the automatic response and said, “It’s not something I announce to everyone I meet but I don’t hide it either. I suppose I’ve never been in a relationship long enough with either a man or a woman to even make it necessary to “come out.” And Hunter…he’s so messed up about being attracted to men that it wouldn’t matter either way if there was something there or not.”

“Is there anyone he can turn to?”

“He mentioned a grandmother but I’m not sure if they’re still in touch.”

“I’ve met her. She takes care of our friends’ daughter while they’re working. Dane is a vet and Jax is the town’s other deputy besides Rhys.”

Roman remembered the big cop who’d intervened yesterday. Interesting that both of the small town’s law enforcement officers were gay.

“She ever mention Hunter?” Roman asked.

“Not to me but I’ve only spoken to her briefly in passing. She was the one who spearheaded the rebuilding of Callan Bale’s barn after the two fuckers who were vandalizing his property burned it down so she seems supportive of our cause.”

So Hunter’s grandmother was open to the idea of homosexuals while Hunter’s own father clearly wasn’t. And from what Hunter had said about his grandfather, he hadn’t appeared to have had an issue with his grandson’s sexual preference either.

Roman heard the back door open but when he saw only Luke round the corner, he immediately stood. “Where is he?”

“He’s making a phone call,” Luke said as he leaned down to brush his lips over Gray’s. “Don’t worry, I made him promise he wouldn’t take off again. Ripley’s out there with him so even if he does, he’ll be easy to find. I showed him our spot,” Luke said to Gray and they shared a quick smile between them.

“Straight out the back door about 200 hundred yards. You can’t miss it,” Luke said before Roman could even ask.

Roman nodded and hurried out the back of the cabin. He was relieved to find Hunter sitting on a large fallen log just past where the backyard turned into dense woods. He was tossing a stick into a small stream for Ripley.

“Morning,” Roman said as he sat down next to Hunter.

“Hi,” Hunter said just as Roman’s phone began to ring. “That’s my dad,” Hunter said. “I told him I was planning to head back to school today unless his new client needed me to stick around a little longer to show him around some more.”

Roman felt a prickle of disappointment go through him as he realized he was about to end the only valid reason he had to keep Hunter around for a while. But knowing just how toxic this town and his own family were to Hunter, Roman had no issue with answering the phone and telling Malcom Greene he’d be leaving town this afternoon and wouldn’t need Hunter’s services anymore. He ignored Malcolm’s efforts to try and draw more information out of him regarding his plans to pursue the purchase of the property and hung up the phone without saying goodbye.

“Thank you,” Hunter said softly.

“What will you do now?” Roman asked.

Hunter took the stick that Ripley dropped in his lap and studied it for a moment before tossing it into the water. “Go back to the way things were,” Hunter said. “Minus the gay clubs,” he added with a small smile and while Roman knew he’d meant it as a roundabout way to reassure him that there wouldn’t be a repeat of the episode with the bikers, the comment did nothing to ease the aching in Roman’s gut.

“I need you to promise me something,” Roman whispered.

Hunter shook his head. “Roman, please don’t ask me to make a promise you know I can’t keep.”

Frustration went through Roman because that was exactly what he’d been about to do. Roman turned and swung one leg over the log so that he was straddling it. The move had him facing Hunter and a surge of pleasure went through him when Hunter did the same thing and then went a step further and moved close enough so that their legs were touching. Hunter met him halfway when he leaned down to kiss him and while the kiss was tame compared to the one they’d shared yesterday, it still left him burning inside.

“You could come with me,” Roman whispered against Hunter’s mouth. “I could set you up somewhere, help you start fresh. You could do and be anything you wanted to be.”

Hunter smiled and then kissed him hard. “You are an amazing man, Roman Blackwell. Wherever your mom is, I’ll bet you’ve made her proud more times than you can count.”

It was just too fucking much. Roman dragged Hunter up against him and kissed him over and over until they were both shaking from the emotion of it all. He buried his face against Hunter’s neck and said, “I don’t know if I can let you go.” He felt Hunter’s fingers stroking through his hair.

“You won’t have to,” Hunter said against his ear. “Because for once, I’m going to be the strong one.” He felt lips skim his cheek and then Hunter was pushing the stick he’d been throwing for Ripley in his hand. “Play with Ripley for a while, okay?”

Roman managed a nod and kept his eyes on the big dog sitting at his feet. He stayed there long after he heard the footsteps move away from him and he didn’t move when he heard the sound of a car’s engine start. It wasn’t until he felt his brother’s hand settle on his shoulder that he finally dropped the stick on the ground and forced himself to get up. Life was calling and it was time he got back to it.

***

Hunter gave Luke a last wave as he watched the pickup truck back out of the driveway and head back down the street. It wasn’t until the truck was out of sight that he felt his knees give out and he had to lean against his car so he could catch his breath. Walking away from Roman had been so much harder than he’d thought it would be which made no sense since he’d known the man less than 48 hours. Saying no to Roman’s offer to help him start over had been even harder because his first thought when Roman had suggested it was that it would be a way to stay connected to Roman. And while he knew Roman had only done it out of pity, a part of him hadn’t cared because he would have given anything to know there was still some link to the man who’d changed so much for him. There’d even been a little shard of hope that maybe someday Roman would see him as something other than a pathetic mental case who couldn’t even admit what his body had been telling him for years. Luckily, he’d had just the tiniest amount of pride left and he’d made himself let go of Roman. Because as much as he wanted, needed Roman, Roman didn’t need him.

Forcing himself to straighten, Hunter went into the house to get his stuff but stopped when he saw his mother standing at her ironing board in the kitchen.

“Good morning, darling,” she said flatly as she kept her focus on the shirt collar she was pressing. “Did you have fun with your friends?”

The question was the right one but the way she asked it was all wrong as usual. He could have answered that the party he’d lied about going to last night had turned into one huge fuckfest and she would have responded by asking him if he wanted her to make him some breakfast.