Finding My Way (32 page)

“You bitch.” There’s no force behind my words. I’m stunned, hurt and breaking piece by piece on the inside. She invaded my life – the one I needed to leave behind to do this.

Sam smirks and laughs. “Yeah I’m the bitch. I fucked you and pushed you aside. I told you I would try at a relationship and bailed at the first sign of trouble.”

“So what?” I yell. “So fucking what? That gives you the right to invade my life? There’s a reason why I didn’t want you to know about who I was before I moved here. That life doesn’t define me.”

“But it does.”

I shake my head. “That’s where you’re wrong Sam. I left everything behind to be here. I ruined everything because I had this dream and someone in my family was willing to stand by me while I pursued it. My life there is none of your Goddamn business.”

“I’m your manager -
everything’s
my business, including the barflies you bring home nightly. Your past indiscretions? I’m the one who cleans up after them. I pay Jorge to make sure they get home safely. You dismiss them like trash.” She’s pointing at herself. There’s a light sheen of sweat on her forehead. This is the first time we’ve fought like this and it’s scaring the shit out of me. This is why we aren’t good for each other.

“They’re one night stands, Sam. You drove me to them.” I scream out, holding my head, bent at my waist. It all makes sense now.

The perfume.

Dying her hair.

She’s trying to be Josie to get my attention.

“Get on the plane, Liam. I’m not telling you again.”

I shake my head. “It’s not happening.”

“If you don’t, it’s a violation of your contract. I’ll terminate you for insubordination.” Right now I think it’d be worth it.

I nod and look her square in the eyes. “Fine, but I’ll be meeting with your father in the morning and telling him everything. I’ll tell him about all the late night phone calls. About all the times you’ve crawled into my bed when I’ve told you over and over again that I don’t want to be with you. I’ll tell him how you supplied all my alcohol when I was underage. How you took advantage of me on the bus that night. Two can play this game, Sam, and you may be his daughter, but right now he’s sitting pretty with the royalties that this band is bringing in. The wall of fame is looking pretty fresh with the Grammy’s we’ve won. You didn’t win those. You didn’t write those songs. I did. So while you think you’ve done so much for me, take a long hard look at what we’ve done for
Moreno Entertainment
.

“I’m on vacation, Sam. This is the week that I’ve taken every year since my grandma died. You know that, so why you decided to schedule an interview during this week is beyond me, but I won’t be going. You can either let the show know that you’ve made a mistake or tell them I’m ill, but I’m not leaving.”

“You’d leave if
she
called you,” her voice is quiet, broken. I try not to show that her statement gets to me, but I can see it in her face. She knows.

“That would never happen.”

I leave her in the studio to figure her shit out. I don’t know if we’ll have a manager tomorrow or not, but I’m not going to let her strong arm me into something I’m not comfortable doing.

As soon as my feet hit the sidewalk I’m taking ten steps and walking into the bar that’s adjacent to the studio.

“What can I get ya?” the bartender places a bowl of nuts in front of me after he wipes down the bar.

“Whiskey, straight.”

“Tough day?”

I nod as I grab a handful of nuts and toss them into my mouth. He sets the whiskey down in front of me. The dark amber liquid mocks me. It’s been years since I’ve tasted the burn. I move the glass back and forth, watching the booze slosh around.

I wish I could close my eyes and go back to the night that I stood at
her
dorm room door. I wish I‘d let her pull me in so I could feel her in my arms one more time. Things would be different, but I’d be with her or we’d be in the same town. I could be admiring her from afar or even hold her at night. But I’m here in Los Angeles like I wanted to be, living a life that I thought I wanted. If eighteen year old me could ask twenty-three year old me what his life would be like, I’d tell him to stay in college.

Life is not what I thought it would be. I’m cynical. I prefer to be alone most of the time until someone steps in front me and I think they can numb my pain long enough that I can function properly. The dullness only lasts until sunrise and then I have to start all over again. The same routine day in and day out. Nothing changes until I’m on tour and that routine is just as bad.

I suppose I’m living any man’s dream. Women throw themselves at me. I smile and they’re putty in my hands. Why? Is it because I’m in a band, because I sing? I don’t see it. I don’t feel the attraction. Each one is just a painkiller.

“I can make you forget her.”

I shift my gaze to the woman that’s just sat down beside me. I eye her bare legs and dress that is riding up her thigh. I pick up my glass and down my Jack, never taking my eyes off her.

Chapter 55

Ten Years since Beaumont

W
hiskey at ten a.m. is not usually my thing, but then again reading about a man I once called my best friend wasn’t my plan either. I fold the article that I printed early from The Beaumont Daily and place it in my back pocket. The internet, while I’ve used it plenty to keep tabs on people, is the bane of my existence right now. The day I stood on my grandma’s cliff and told her I would try this for a year haunts my memory. Twelve months and I would go back to Beaumont and make amends, except I didn’t because one year turned into two, which turned in five and now ten and now it’s too late for me to go home and fix what I had done.

Right now, I’d give it all up. I’d give up the personal appearances, the late nights, the all access parties with the hottest celebrities, just for one moment where I can apologize for being an epic douche. I don’t know if he’d understand, but I’d try my hardest to make him. I always thought I’d have a chance to let him into my life, this life that I’ve built for myself, so he could see how much better off I am… or used to be.

This business – it’s deadly. I used to love it. I used to thrive to be on stage in front of thousands of people. To hear them chant my name over and over again. To sign autographs and take pictures. That soon faded. It became a hassle, a chore. Now it’s become my reality and nightmare because I can’t escape the life I’ve built. Not that I want to, but I would like something different. I don’t deserve it though. I made the decision ten years ago to change my life and with what I’m staring at, I don’t have the right to feel the loss that I’m feeling.

I press her number on my phone and wait for her to answer. She’s not going to understand this, but I need to do this for me.

“Hello?”

“I need you to book me a hotel.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s something I have to do.”

Sam sighs, but I can hear her moving around to get a pen. About five years ago Sam and I had a huge fight. We both said things we didn’t mean and I walked away. I threatened to quit and her father was livid. Sam took a year off from the band to get her head straight and came back full-force. She booked us on a yearlong US and international tour that was a huge success. We also had a few more songs appear in movies and added two more Grammy’s to our list. Since then, everything has been on an even keel. There are no more romantic feelings and she’s been very professional.

“What hotel?”

“Um…” I try to remember the name, but I’m not sure if it’s even there anymore. “There’s a Holiday Inn on Route 15 –”

“Liam, why are you going to Beaumont?”

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. I forgot that she knows every possible thing about Beaumont, thanks to her trusty private investigator.

“There’s been a death. I need to go and pay my respects.”

“Why?”

“It’s just something I have to do, Sam. I can’t explain it. I’ll be gone three days. In and out and I probably won’t talk to anyone. I’ll stand in the back of the church and no one will recognize me.”

“Mhm… I don’t like this. I’ll go with you.”

My head is screaming no. “I’ll be fine. I’m going to take my bike. You can have a suit sent to the hotel. Besides, someone needs to feed the cat.”

“Linda can.”

“I’m going by myself, Sam.” I take a drink of the whiskey sitting in front of me.

“Are you drinking?”

“No,” I lie. Right now I don’t need a lecture from her.

“Liam, this hotel is a three-star. You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ll find you another one.”

“No, Sam, that one is fine. It’s on the highway; no one will look for me there.”

Sam huffs. “Fine. Anything else?”

“Just the hotel.” I hang up and pay my tab. After one sip of the whiskey, my stomach is turning. The early morning sun is blinding when I step out of the bar. I slip my helmet on and straddle my bike. I need to get away before my mind explodes. I kick start my bike and let the engine roar before taking off toward Harrison’s. His apartment is the most peaceful place I know.

I don’t knock when I get there. The sliding glass doors are open and the wind is blowing through the curtains wildly. This place was made for a woman and whomever he settles down with will be in love with this condo. I walk through his place and step outside and into the sand. Harrison and Quinn are surfing and are the only ones on the beach. Solitude, that’s what he has out here. Solitude and happiness. He’s a changed man since Quinn came into his life.

As soon as I’m a close enough, Quinn ditches his surfboard and runs to me, wrapping his wet arms around my waist. “Uncle Liam, did you come to surf?”

“Nah, buddy,” I say, ruffling his hair. “Just came to see what my favorite boy is doing.”

“Just hanging with my dad.”

Harrison has done an amazing job raising Quinn on his own. I know his mom and sister helped, but he’s done most of it. Quinn tours with us and for a kid who doesn’t have a set routine, he’s pretty damn smart and well grounded.

“What’s up?”

I shake my head. “I gotta leave town for a few days, but I’ll be back by Monday.”

“Everything cool?”

I nod. “Yeah.” That’s all I can say. I don’t know if it is. I don’t know what it will be like when I get to Beaumont. In and out, just long enough to pay my respects. Me being there won’t do anyone any good and I’ll just be a disruption. As far as I know he wouldn’t want me there anyway and I don’t want to ruin the day for him.

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow.”

Harrison nods and picks up his and Quinn’s board and we walk back to his place. I sit down in the sand and watch the tide roll. It’s a great day for surfing, but most people are at work. Quinn sits down next to me and buries his toes in the sand.

“You look sad.”

I hang my head. “Maybe I am. I don’t know, Quinn.”

“Do you know what grandma does when I’m sad?”

“What does she do?” I ask, knowing he’s about to tickle me.

He jumps and starts moving his little fingers all around my body. I laugh and pull him into my arms and hold him. I remember the first time I held him. He was just days old and Mrs. James put him in my arms because I asked her to. I loved every minute of it. He gave me a new perspective on life. I thought I was going to break him, but in hindsight he’s really the glue that has kept us together. I never wanted Harrison to fail so I worked my ass off to make sure we were the best. Unlike me, he had someone in his life that needed him and I wasn’t going to let this little boy down.

I
told Harrison I was going home, but I made it as far as the bar. I need something to shut my brain off. I need a numbing agent to keep me from picturing what my life could’ve been like had I stayed. Sitting at the bar, I can’t help but wonder if I would’ve eventually made it to the NFL. What if I had taken my dad up on his offer to help me switch schools and gone to play for someone who wanted me? Would I be married with kids and a house with a white picket fence? That’s the one thing I’ll never know, because at the time I couldn’t handle what life was giving me. I needed something different.

I down the whiskey and signal for another one. There are women on both sides of me and it’s just a matter of time before one of them makes their move. This is my hangout, everyone knows it and I’ve taken plenty of women home from here. I’d like to think tonight will be different since I’m leaving in the morning, but I doubt it. They want the same thing I want, but for different reasons.

The woman to my right has a large ass rock on her ring finger. She’s out of the running. Having some other man’s property, possession, wife, is not my style. She needs counseling if she’s here trying to hook up with me. Or it’s a trap. Get yourself knocked up by a celebrity so you can collect child-support for the next eighteen years. No thanks, go find some other unsuspecting bastard. That’s not me. I’m never having kids. If I’m feeling the urge to be a father figure, I’ll borrow Quinn.

Each sip I take brings back another memory from Beaumont. I’m here to cloud my memory, yet everything is vivid – like I’m watching a real life movie. Now that I’ve committed to going back, even to say goodbye, the floodgates are open. I’ve done everything I can to forget where I came from, not because I’m ashamed, because it was easier to block out what I was missing. I never thought I’d be here, like this, away from the ones I loved. My family.

I know everything is my fault. I could’ve picked up the phone when she called. I could’ve called her back. But I didn’t. I had something to prove and by the time I had the success I was looking for, it was too late.

I swallow my final drink. It’s late. I need some sleep. The woman on my right left long ago, but the one on my left has been biding her time. So why not? Why not live up to my reputation one more time?

“Want to get out of here?” I ask, not really waiting for her answer. I grab her hand and pull her behind me. The night air is muggy as we walk to my penthouse. She’s trying to keep up in her heels as I drag her. I could stop, but that would ruin my mood.