Fire In Her Eyes (13 page)

 
“When he was done, I saw death in his eyes. He didn’t want me to surv
ive that night. He wanted me to
die. That’s what I can’t figure out though, why did he want me to die? I have known him most of my life. We had always gotten along and I thought we were friends. I have so
many good memories tainted now,
because he is in them.”

“Not every person we think is good is actually good, Harley. And not every person we think is bad is actually bad. Rapists feel the need to dominate over a female. They have issues in life where other people make them feel weak and insecure. That is why they rape, to take that power away from a helpless woman. It makes them feel strong and powerful,” Dr. Newton says to me.

“I know that you are right, but it’s still all my fault. I walked around in short skirts and didn’t wear any panties. I was asking for it. I dressed like a slut because it made me feel sexy, but in the end it’s the reason this happened to me.” I know I have tears running down my face but I don’t raise my hand to wipe them away. I deserve them.

“That is where you are wrong, Harley. You are self-blaming for what happened to you. This is not your fault at all. The fault of this situation is all on Dylan’s s
houlders. He is the one who cho
se to rape you. They were his choices, not yours.” She is trying to make me understand, but I can’t help but to have this guilt inside of me.

 
I did this to myself. I know I did.

“Spencer, you have been really quiet. Would you like to say anything? Your mother has told me a little about your situation as well.” She shifts her feet towards Spencer now.

I can sense his pale blue eyes are on me, but I don’t look up at him. I don’t want to see the blame there. Now that I have said it out loud he wil
l think it’s my fault as well.

Spencer

I lost count
how many times I flinched throughout her description of that night. It makes me want to beat the living shit out of Dylan, yet again. This time, I wouldn’t stop. He made her feel like this is her fault. How could she be so wrong? We all know this is my fault. I have to tell her so she will see it had nothing to do with her. I drug her into this because I wanted her.

“It’s not your fault, Harley. It’s my fault. I went to see Dylan at the jail
while you were in the hospital.
He said that he had wanted you for years. He couldn’t stand the fact that you ended up with me. He wanted to get back at me because we have something. So you see, it’s my fault, not yours.”

She lifts her head and meets my eyes with her dark blue ones. “He wouldn’t have wanted me if I didn’t dress the way that I did. I looked like a slut. I’m surprised this didn’t happen to me before. G
uys
thought I would want it no matter who was givin
g it to me, dressed like that.”

“I’m a guy, Harley. You didn’t dress like a slut. You dressed like a gorgeous young lady who has a beautiful body. You have every right to wear sexy clothes. Every woman has the right to look and feel sexy. Don’t let him take that from you. Sluts are girls that will sleep with anything that moves. You aren’t like that at all.” I squeeze her hand. I didn’t even realize I was still holding it.

Dr. Newton clears her throat and I flinch because I totally forgot that she was there. “That was very wise, Spencer. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Though, this isn’t either of your faults. Dylan is the one to blame. Whereas some men will take defeat and move on, Dylan didn’t. He took what he wanted without permission. It was wrong and no one
made
him do it. You two are
really good people and this is
something horrible that happened. I just want you all to realize that you didn’t bring it upon yourselves.”

“I know what you are saying is true, Dr. Newton, but I still feel guilty about it. He was one of my best friends. How could I have not seen what he truly was?” I ask her. I still
can’t believe that the guy who
did this was the same guy who used to drink beer out in my backyard and bullshit. He seemed so normal.

“He hid it very well. These kinds of people know how to do this. Harley may have been the first rape that we know of, but I will tell you, he was thinking about it for a while. It may not have been Harley that he was thinking of every time, I assure you. And if he hadn’t been caught, he would do it again and again. They crave the power it gives them.” She shifts her feet back towards Harley before speaking again.

“Now, Polly, said you had something else we need to discuss?”

I see a blush spread across Harley’s cheeks. I almost smile because she is embarrassed. Though I should be getting that way since we are about to talk about our sex life with th
is stranger. “Umm...last night,
Spencer and I were kissing and...I...didn’t get turned on.” She takes a deep breath and rambles on. “It is really messing with my head, because Spencer is the only guy that has ever really turned me on. I don’t want to lose that and become some weird chick that can’t have sex.”

 
Okay, now
that
made me blush, but I also feel my ego boost up a bit.

Dr. Newton lets out a little laugh. “Harley, you were raped three days ago. Your body isn’t ready to have sex yet. Let it heal. You’ll be fine in that department, and you’ll know when you are ready for that kind of physical response. Now is just not the time.” She looks over at me.

“Can you handle that, Spencer?” Her eyebrows arch up in a ‘you better have the right answer to my question’ look.

“Yes, ma’am. I wouldn’t push Harley into that, anyway. I’ve never pushed anyone into that. No means no in my book.” Every guy should live by that motto.

“Good to hear. Not that I doubted you. It’s just good for Harley to hear it said out loud. I don’t want her to think she needs to have sex with you to keep you around.”

She stands up and walks over to the couch. Shaking both of our hands, she walks toward the door. “We should have another session next week. We covered a lot of ground today, but we aren’t
anywhere close to being done.”

I turn to look at Harley, and raise her hand to my lips. “I’m not going anywhere, baby girl. You don’t have to worry about it. I would feel really weird if we jumped up and had sex right after what happened to you. In fact, I’m sure it will be awhile before I have the urge to have sex. This whole situation has fucked up my head.”

I do know one thing; Dr. Newton made me see that this wasn’t either of our faults. Not that I ever put the blame on Harley. Dylan would have done this with or without us in his life.

Chapter 17

Harley

Marissa. That is the name of the girl Spencer is talking to in my living room. It took me the entire 20 minutes that she has been here to figure that out. I remember, now, him telling me about her: his ex-girlfriend from LSU.

It’s been a whole month since our session with the shrink. We see Dr. Newton at least once a week. She says I’m still self-blaming and I guess that’s what I’m doing. I still feel like if I hadn’t run around in short skirts with no panties this wouldn’t have happened to me. I was easy pickings that night. If I had had underwear on maybe it wouldn’t have been so easy for him to get to me.

Spencer and I haven’t had sex either. We haven’t even kissed. I think he is afraid I won’t feel anything when we do. I can’t blame him for that either. I probably wouldn’t. I know I should let him go. He shouldn’t have to deal with a damaged, broken girlfriend. I just can’t bring myself to give him an out. He’s my angel, whether he thinks so or not.

I’ve been standing in the doorway of my room listening to their conversation. You can’t see my door from the living room, so I figured it was a great place to eavesdrop. Before you roll your eyes, I know it’s a very immature thing for me to do. I just can’t help it. How would you feel if your boyfriend was sitting in the living room with his very beautiful ex-girlfriend? Not to mention she is the one who dumped him!

So far they have only been catching up. She seems really nervous, though. I hope she isn’t going to tell him she’s pregnant or something. I think I would go off the deep end.

“Quit with the small talk, Marissa, why are you here?” Spencer asks her with an impatient tone.

I hear her reposition herself on the couch. If that bitch is sitting any closer to him, I might have to punch her: just saying.

 
“Okay, so I have been thinking about what happened last month. I know you said it was a one-time thing. I just can’t stop wondering about you. I want us to get back together. I don’t care about my dad and his money anymore. I love you and we can do this without him in our lives.”

What the fuck happened last month? I can feel all the color drain out of my face. He didn’t. God, please tell me he didn’t.

 
“I told you that it meant nothing to me, Marissa. It still doesn’t. I love Harley. I didn’t mean for that to happen between us and I’m sorry if I hurt you.” I hear him sigh. “Harley needs me more than ever right now. I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“So that is it? You just come down to LSU, fuck my brains out, and then say it means nothing to you? That’s bullshit! We had something. I know that I let my dad talk me into breaking up with you, but he doesn’t matter anymore.” I can hear the venom in her voice
with every word she spits out.
The second she said “fuck my brains out” I felt all of the life in me drain out. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. The only time he could have had enough time to go to LSU and have sex with Marissa is the day I came home from the hospital. I feel sick. There is also this stabbing pain in my chest. I was so wrong.

Spencer isn’t an angel. He’s the fucking spawn of Satan dressed up like an angel. “Will you keep your voice down!? Harley is in her room. She doesn’t know about what happened and I would like to keep it that way.” I hear him get up off the couch and start pacing across the living room floor. “It was a mistake, Marissa. I told you when it happened it was a mistake. I love Harley and you’re not going to come in here and screw that up for me.”

I don’t know when I started to walk down the hallway into the living room, but that is where my feet wanted to go. They don’t even notice when I walk into the room. Their eyes are locked in an emotional stare down. I didn’t notice when she first showed up how much we look alike. Her hair is also auburn and she is curvy like me; though her clothes are expensive.

Marissa starts to open her mouth, but she sees me out of the corner of her eye and freezes. Her eyes go wide and I know that she knows who I am. Spencer sees her turn in my direction. When he sees me all the blood drains out of his face. Good. I hope he has a fucking heart attack and dies, lying on my living room floor.

“Too late, Spencer, she already screwed it up for you,” I say with a calm voice. It’s easy to sound calm when you’re so numb from all emoti
ons have fleeing out the door.

S
pencer

I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. She wasn’t supposed to hear that. I should have known though. It’s in Harley’s nature to be nosy. Who wouldn’t be when their boyfriend is talking to their ex-girlfriend?

I know what you are thinking. I’m a complete bastard. It’s true and I will never deny it. I wasn’t in a good place that day I went down to LSU. I wanted to let go of the stuff I was going through and Marissa was coming on pretty strong. I slipped up and I know that. I didn’t want Harley to find out because it didn’t mean anything.

“Harley, let me explain,” I say, noticing the calm way she spoke earlier.

“You don’t need to explain, Spencer. I’m pretty sure that I get it.” I can’t stand the way her eyes look so dead. The fire I’m so used to seeing in them hasn’t been there in a while. Though, with the doctor visits and talking about it, I thought she was getting back to her old self. I think this set her back to where she was before, if not farther.

“I’m sorry, baby girl. I didn’t want you to find out this way.” I really am sorry. I never wanted to hurt her. Though that’s what every guy says when they do something like this.

“No, you didn’t want me to find out at all.” She turns toward Marissa. “Did you know about me before you slept with him?” I can feel the tension coming off of Marissa. I really hope she doesn’t decide to say anything mouthy to her. She is liable to get punched in the face.

“Yes, I knew about you. I just thought I could get him back.” Marissa’s voice is shaky. The girl doesn’t like confrontation.

“Then you are just as much of a whore as he is. I don’t understand how a woman can do this to another woman. You knew he was taken yet you did it anyway. It makes you worse than he is,” she spit out.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, just to make her forgive me; just to make her stay. She doesn’t give me the chance. She throws a glare my way and walks her denim-covered ass out the front door. It takes me a second, but I run after her. Marissa tries to stop me by grabbing my arm, but I throw her off. No one is stopping me from getting to Harley. When I get out of the door she is getting into her car. I take off at a run and pull the door back open before she gets it all the way shut.