Forget Me Not (18 page)

“
I know and I’m a moron,
but I never did it because I didn’t care. Lily, I had so many
girlfriends in high school. You know that. It was all fun. When I
got to school last fall, Jon and I met Alyssa, Maya, and Jodie. I
didn’t tell you, because there was so much jealousy in your face
when we talked, but I was seeing Jodie when I came home last year
for your birthday. After that night with you, I ended it with her.
I haven’t even looked at another girl since you.”

“
I believe
you.”

“
That’s just it. I don’t
think you do. You get jealous and I’ve literally done nothing but
try to pass my classes, play sports, and be faithful to
you.”

“
I do believe you, but why
didn’t you want to be around me?”

“
Because I’m an idiot. I
thought about you all the time, but I just thought it was fine. I
thought we had the perfect relationship.”

“
But it wasn’t perfect.
Not for me.”

“
I love you, Lily. I have
tried to be everything you wanted me to be, although it’s an
incredibly high standard you set. I was never good enough for
you.”

“
What do you mean?” I ask.
I never held Derek up to be something he wasn’t and I’m not sure
what he means by that.

“
You want someone to be
everything for you. You looked at me like I could save you. And I
wanted to save you. But it was so much pressure. I took on rugby
because I needed something to take me away from the constant
feeling that I couldn’t do it, that I would fail you.”

“
You never failed
me.”

“
I did. I was right. I
couldn’t save you.”

“
That’s the problem,
Derek. You’re right. I wanted you to save me, but I don’t want to
be the girl who needs saving. I want to be a girl. A girl that
maybe has a boyfriend, but a girl that doesn’t let having a
boyfriend define her. I think, with you, I always looked at you
like you were a sign that I was something special. If you loved me,
I mattered.”

“
Lily, you matter because
you matter. It has nothing to do with me.”

I move over to my bed and curl up in
Derek’s arms. It feels so comforting to be near him, even with my
convictions of being alone ringing in my ears. He was never less
than perfect for me. That isn’t what drove me to Jack, although I
can’t explain what did. All the cliché breakup phrases aside, this
truly is me. It’s nothing that Derek did. I wish I could make it
all okay for him, but I don’t know how.

“
I don’t deserve you. I
cheated on you.”

“
It’s okay. I can forgive
you.”

I look up at his eyes. They’re glowing
because of his tears. “Derek, you’re still one of my best friends.
I don’t know what happened, but it was really nothing you did. I
just don’t think we can work.”

“
So that’s it? Are we
definitely over?”

“
I think so. I feel like
something’s missing, something that has nothing to do with you. I
love you, but I just don’t love you like I want to love you. In the
long run, we’ll both be happier this way.”

“
Is this because of that
guy?”

“
No,” I tell him and it’s
the truth. “I have started to care for Jack, but he’s a symptom not
the cause. I loved you for so long, but because of it, I didn’t
realize until recently that we have grown up to be different
people. You’re fun, the life of the party. You love sports and
being around people. I just want to stay home and read. I love
school. I actually want to learn.”

“
Do you think I’m
stupid?”

“
No. I just think we have
different goals and different interests. I could never think poorly
of you. You made me half of who I am today, both as my boyfriend
and as my friend. I can’t extricate my life from you, Derek. I love
you so much. It just isn’t the same kind of love
anymore.”

He leans down and kisses me. I know
what he’s hoping will happen and, although I can’t deny that my
body still feels tingly when he touches me, the sensations are not
as strong as they used to be. I break away from the
kiss.

“
I’m sorry,” I tell
him.

“
Why, Lily? What did I do
wrong? I know I’m not that other guy. What is it about
him?”

“
It’s complicated.
He’s
complicated.”

“
So, what’s wrong with me?
I’m not? I’m not enough for you because I’m not ‘complicated?’
Lily, I have loved you for years. There was nothing complicated
about it, because loving you is easy.”

“
Please don’t,” I say.
“You’re everything I could have wanted.”

“
You just don’t want it,
though.”

Now it’s my turn to cry. I wish I
could explain it. Derek is perfect. He’s just not perfect for me.
He’s kind and considerate and good-natured and fun. However, I
realize that I love Derek as a friend. He’s always been the idea of
the perfect guy, but that doesn’t mean our relationship is the
perfect relationship. I can’t be in love with an idea. The last
year with him was great until recently and I have plenty of good
memories. I just don’t feel like fighting for us, and that’s the
biggest problem of all.

“
I want to be your friend.
So many of the best parts of my life include you, either as my
friend or as my boyfriend. I don’t want that to change. But it’s
not right, Derek. I fell for Jack, and even if that ends up being a
disaster, it says something that there was a part of me that didn’t
belong to you.”

“
Sure. I get it. I don’t
have dark secrets. My life has been easy, probably perfect. But
that doesn’t mean I can’t love you, Lily. It doesn’t mean my heart
can’t be broken, just because I haven’t had a ton of terrible
things happen to me. I can still be emotionally invested. I still
have feelings, even if they haven’t been built up because of
tragedy. Why are you running away from me because I’m not
‘complicated’ enough?”

My crying is now uncontrollable. Derek
doesn’t know what Jack has been through. He doesn’t know how
accurate his assessment it, but he also doesn’t know that I care
for Jack despite those things, not because of them. It’s not his
broken parts that I fell for, but the parts that wanted to be
whole.

“
Oh, Derek,” I sob. I hate
that I have made him feel bad about himself because he, like me,
has had a simple life until now. I knew there would be no easy way
to do this, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I feel like I
have taken a piece of my heart and thrown it under a train. It
literally feels like something inside of me has broken. He clings
to me and rocks me while I cry. Here I am breaking his heart and
yet he’s the one trying to comfort me. When Kristen comes back a
little while later, we are just sitting on my bed, his arms wrapped
around me, and my tears finally starting to dry on his
shirt.

“
I guess I’ll head back
now,” he says when he sees my roommate. “I really hope you change
your mind.”

“
I won’t,” I tell him, and
the words feel as much like a dagger to me as I know they do to
him. “I’m sorry, Derek.”

“
I love you, Lily. That
will never change.” He kisses my forehead and hands me the stuffed
tiger that he’d been holding onto since I got back. I follow him
into the hall and hold his hand, running my fingers along his palm.
He looks like he’s about to cry again.

“
You’ll always be an
endless part of me. I’m sorry it’s just the wrong part.”

He doesn’t respond, just nods, and I
watch him walk down the hall. I fight the fact that every part of
me is yearning to call him back to me. This is what’s right, but
it’s so hard to do it. I’m not just losing my boyfriend, but one of
my best friends. I’m hanging on to the hope that we’ll someday pick
up the pieces and stay friends, but right now, it feels like Derek
has been ripped out of my life forever.

Chapter 13

After Derek leaves, Kristen sits with
me. We don’t talk, but she hands me tissues on a regular basis and
throws out the used ones when they pile up all over my bed. It’s
amazing that I made this choice and yet it feels like agony.
Shouldn’t it be easy or comfortable to do what’s right? I was only
leading Derek on; I can’t pinpoint when we fell apart for sure, but
I was never willing to fight to stop it from happening. That’s
never a good indication.

Eventually, the crying stops although
the ache is still there. Kristen takes my tissues and it’s good the
tears have stopped, because there are only three left. She comes
back to sit beside me and wraps her arm across my
shoulders.

“
What if I made the wrong
choice?” I ask.

“
Is there ever a right
choice?” She smiles weakly.

“
I don’t know. Why don’t I
know?”

“
No one knows why things
are how they are. They just are.”

“
But Derek… Oh, God.” I’m
start crying again. Kristen says and returns with the
tissues.

“
Look, Lily, Derek adores
you. No one is denying that and I know it sucks that you know he
does. But you’re just delaying the inevitable and dragging out the
hurt if you don’t still feel the same for him. He deserves more
than that, don’t you think?”

“
Of course. But
it’s
Derek
. The
only guy I ever thought I would want.”

“
Well, sometimes, we tend
to be more in love with an idea than with the person. Maybe you
were just hanging on to that idea.”

“
Yeah, I know. That’s
exactly it. It’s just… Derek is such a nice person. He’s so sweet
and funny. He’s amazing in bed. He always looks out for me. He’s
just been an awesome boyfriend. Why isn’t that enough?”

“
Because it
isn’t.”

“
That’s
stupid.”

“
Lily, I have to say this,
so don’t hate me. You’re lying to yourself; Derek wasn’t an awesome
boyfriend. You’ve spent how much time wondering why he didn’t call?
How many times did you worry about him with another girl? How often
did you ditch out on us because you were hoping to talk to him –
and then he was busy? The last few months have been a battle. You
know that. You’re just remembering it differently, because you care
for him still. But you weren’t happy.”

“
Maybe I’m just incapable
of being happy.” The crying has stopped now; it’s been replaced
with a lot of self-hate and self-pity, but at least I don’t need
more tissues.

“
Nope. I’ve seen you happy
plenty of times. Especially over the last week.”

“
I can’t see Jack anymore.
I need to prove I don’t need a guy.”

“
Well, that’s a relief.
However, I don’t think you need to deny that you care for Jack. I
just think you’re right and you should take an actual break. Not
another ‘I have a boyfriend and also now another guy, but I’m on a
break’ break. Jack will still be there when you figure it
out.”

“
What if he
isn’t?”

“
Then you save yourself a
hell of a lot of this.” I look around the room and realize I never
want to do
this
again. I know it’s probably inevitable, since I’m only
nineteen, but I don’t feel any rush to be sitting in this exact
position in two months.

“
I was happy,” I
confess.

“
When? With
Derek?”

“
No. This last week. I was
so happy. And it wasn’t just Jack. I felt like I belonged. Finally.
For the first time since school started.”

“
See? That’s a good
thing.”

“
I know. I guess. I wish
Jack had never talked to me. This would be so much
easier.”

“
Why?”

“
Because I fell for him
hard. I don’t want to hop from one relationship to the next – and I
don’t even know that it’s an option with Jack – but I also don’t
want to ruin what I had with him. Even if it was only one stupid
week.”

“
If it’s meant to be,
Lily…”

“
Yeah, yeah.” I know the
cliché and I know Kristen thinks it’s cliché, too, but she’s right.
I have to make sure I know what I’m doing before I rush into
something else. If I don’t, it’ll end the same way it did with
Derek. I need to be sure, to be secure in my life and myself before
I even attempt to meet Jack where he is. That would be the case
with any guy, but it’s even more so with him; he’s been through too
much for me to treat this lightly.

“
It’s so strange. I
shouldn’t even like him. Derek is everything I should want.
Everything I
did
want. When did I become this girl who wants to make things so
difficult?”

Kristen smiles. “It’s not difficult.
You’re just telling yourself it is. You’re thinking too much about
what you should want and not enough about what you do.”

“
But why? Jack and me?
We’re nothing alike. How did I fall for him?”

“
Hell, Lily, does anyone
know why they fall for the person they do? I mean, look at me. Why
do I like Lyle? Neither of us is capable of holding a conversation
with the other. We’re both awkward as hell. When we’re alone
together, we stare in opposite directions and he won’t touch me.
Since it became obvious to apparently everyone else that we’re a
thing, we haven’t said more than two sentences to each other. Yet I
can’t stop thinking about him. He’s the first thing I think about
in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall
asleep.”