Forget Me Not (17 page)

“
I can’t do this. I can’t
go with you,” I say.

“
What do you mean? You’re
being silly. It was just a fight. People fight. We can fix it.
You’re my life.” He’s almost begging and my heart breaks with every
syllable he speaks.

“
I thought you broke up
with me,” I repeat. “I was hurt. It made me crazy.”

“
And we can talk about it.
I’ll be a better boyfriend.”

“
Derek, I met
someone.”

He laughs, but it’s a nervous laugh.
“It’s been a week. Only a week. You couldn’t have done anything…”
He stops because he sees it all over my face. I am falling apart.
In a week, I have ruined everything. All I ever wanted was Derek.
Jack’s been a great distraction, but this is Derek. I want to fix
things, right? Why don’t I know what I want?

“
It’s not just that.” I
look in his eyes as I say it and I can almost hear his heart
breaking.

“
Lily, tell me.” He’s
trying not to cry, trying not to freak out. His fists are clenched
tight at his sides, but he’s still smiling through it all. He wants
me to tell him that it meant nothing, that Jack is not going to
come between us. I wish those were the words waiting for
him.

The words spill out of me in a way
that they didn’t for the first few months of the
semester.

“
I was so lonely. When
school started, I felt abandoned. Abby’s traveling, you have Jon
and then rugby, and my parents don’t even call. It was so hard to
deal with it all. When I called you, I felt like I was losing you
more each time and I couldn’t fix it, couldn’t get it
back.”

“
You were never in danger
of losing me.”

“
I was, though, and then,
when we went home for Columbus Day, I realized I wasn’t whole
anymore. I lost something between home and school and I had two
choices. I could cling to the past and become nothing but a shadow
of who I was – or I could become someone else. So I decided that I
needed to be that person, the one who chose this school, who wanted
to be here.”

“
And?”

“
I started to love it
here, Derek.” I don’t think I realized it until now, but over the
past month, this has become my life. My new life.

“
That’s awesome,
Lily.”

“
It is, but the problem
is, now when I think of home, I think of here. I don’t even feel
connected to the person I was when school started – and definitely
not to the girl I was last year. I needed to get over it all, but
it meant moving on. It meant starting something new and, now, I’m
sitting here looking at you as a totally different
person.”

“
That’s okay. I love you,
no matter who you are.”

“
That’s just it, though,
isn’t it? You don’t know who I am anymore. I left behind so much
and lost that connection to home. Moving on means moving forward,
becoming someone new. That means letting go of those pieces of
home. You’re the last piece of home, Derek.”

“
No, Lily. You don’t need
to leave it all behind just to move forward.”

“
Are you sure?”

He shakes his head. “No. I’m not sure.
But I am sure that I love you and I want to try. You still want to
try, don’t you?”

“
And Jack? What does that
mean?”

“
I think that’s for you to
decide.”

“
He was so mean to me at
first. When I first met him, I hated him. He was such an asshole.
But last weekend, I was hurt. I felt empty. The last strings to the
past were being cut and I wasn’t ready. He was there and something
has changed, Derek.”

“
What?”

I don’t want to discuss Jack, his
past, who he is. None of that seems to be important and it’s not
fair of me to share his story. What I say next, though, seems to
hurt Derek even more than anything else I have said so
far.

“
I just don’t think I’m
the girl you fell in love with anymore.”

Derek looks at me, stunned. Fate and
its cruelty bring the knock on the door at that exact moment. I
don’t move, although I reach out a hand to stop Derek. He can’t
know who it is and I’m sure he figures it’s someone looking for
Kristen. I know, though. And I know there is no way this ends
well.

I look up and Jack is standing inches
from Derek. I don’t know how Derek knows, but he does. Instantly.
He clenches his fists and speaks low.

“
Go away.”

“
Who are you? Princess,
what’s going on?” Jack looks confused and a little nervous. I can’t
meet his eyes, shame breaking me into a million tiny
pieces.

Derek pushes Jack back so he hits the
wall across the hallway. “I said go away. She’s not your fucking
princess.”

Jack walks forward and pushes Derek
back. Derek’s bigger than he is and more athletic and I’m terrified
when he grabs Jack by the throat. Jack, now seething, twists out of
his grip, swinging at Derek. The punch connects with Derek’s jaw,
which just makes it a million times worse. Derek hits Jack and it
knocks him to the ground. He’s on the floor, still all rage, but
Derek slams the door.

“
Fuck you,
Derek.”

“
Are you serious, Lily?
What am I supposed to do? Get to know the guy you want instead of
me? Will that make you happy?” He’s crying now and I need this to
stop. I need it all not to be happening. I push past Derek, out
into the hall. I can’t handle being trapped in the room with Derek,
but Jack’s in the hall still and he looks at me to say
something.

“
I can’t. Just leave me
alone.” I run down the hall, down the fire stairs, and out onto the
quad. I’m standing in the middle of the quad, shaking, tears
blurring everything, when both guys catch up to me. They’re still
angry at each other and now they’re directing their anger at me as
well.

“
Princess, what the hell
is happening?” Jack asks.

“
I told you. She’s not
your fucking princess,” Derek says. “Lily, I don’t know what
happened this past month, but seriously? We have a history. You’re
not really going to throw it away for this, are you? I mean, he’s a
loser.”

“
Shut up,” I
say.

“
What?”

“
You don’t even know him.
I fucked up, not him.”

“
Don’t bother defending
me,” Jack says. “I don’t care what some asshole thinks.” I see it,
though. He recognizes in Derek what all of high school was for him.
I wish I could explain it away. He judged me and put me into that
group before he got to know me. I feel like I’ve proven that I’m
not one of them, but Derek’s comment cuts to the quick. Everything
Jack has faced is reflected back in Derek’s glare. And I can’t even
blame Derek for it. It’s rude and callous, but I just broke his
heart and threw away a year of something good. Jack is the enemy as
far as he’s concerned.

“
He’s not an asshole. He’s
just hurt.”

“
What is going on?” Derek
cries.

“
I’d like to know, too,”
Jack adds. “I thought we had plans tonight.”

I steady myself and face Jack first.
“Jack, I thought Derek and I were over. I guess it wasn’t clear.
He’s my boyfriend.”

“
You still have a
boyfriend? You kept telling me you did and turning me down. Then,
you came running. I figured you were done.” He looks like he’s
going to explode and I don’t know if it’s rage or pain or something
else.

“
Sort of. Well, I mean,
yes, for a year now, but I didn’t know we were still together when
you and I…”

“
What did you do, Lily?”
Derek asks.

“
Jack and I have been
together lately.”

“
And what? You love him?
It’s been a week!”

“
I know it’s only been a
week, but I have feelings for him.”

“
Do you?” Jack asks.
“Because you’re telling me you have a boyfriend right
now.”

“
I don’t know. I mean,
yes, I do have feelings for you. But Derek and I… it’s complicated.
I care about you both.”

“
Lily, I came up here to
take you away for our anniversary. Let’s just go and we can deal
with this. Alone. It’s been a week. There is nothing in a week that
can make up for the past year.” Derek takes my arm, but looking at
Jack freezes me in place.

“
Yeah, go, princess. I
should have known I’d never be right for you.” Jack starts to walk
away.

“
No, don’t go,” I
beg.

“
He’s right. You have a
history. Don’t make this worse than it needs to be.”

“
Lily, what do you
want?
Who
do you
want?” Derek asks.

I pull free from Derek’s grip and look
back and forth between them. “I want you both to leave me alone.
That’s what I want.” They both grow silent and I continue. “I just
started college a couple months ago. I don’t even know who I am
anymore. I can’t do this right now. So far, all I have done is
worry about a relationship. What about me? Where am I in all
this?”

“
You’re the girl I love,”
Derek says.

“
No, I’m not. You’re in
love with someone I used to be. And you,” I say, turning to Jack.
“You don’t even know me yet. Derek and I weren’t even done and I
made a huge mistake rushing into something with you, Jack. Being
with you wasn’t a mistake. In fact, it was the best week I have had
at school so far, but it’s only a week and I need to face that. You
don’t even want a relationship.”

“
Right,” Jack says, but
it’s not the same tone that I’ve come to know from him. It’s
sadness and confusion and a desire to run away before it hurts too
much.

“
Derek, I care about you.
You’re my first love, but I don’t know if that’s enough anymore and
I need time to figure it all out. Jack, I can’t ask for something
from you, something that obviously isn’t easy for you to give in
the first place, when I don’t even know what I want or what I can
offer in return. I need a break from you both. Please.”

It’s hard to do, but it’s what I need
to do and I know it now. It’s college and I’ve been enjoying myself
with both guys, but sex takes things to a new level that I can’t
handle with one, never mind two guys. I need to decide who I am
first. They both look at me and the silence settles. Finally, they
each turn in a different direction and leave me alone on the
quad.

It’s a good night to go for a walk and
I walk for hours. I do my best not to cry, although I have moments
of total breakdown. I still love Derek; it’s impossible not to care
for him, since I’ve cared for him for so long. However, I don’t
know if it’s the right kind of love. We’ve been so close and a year
is a long time, but I don’t feel like the same girl I was when I
fell for him or the girl I was when we started dating. I made the
choice to go to school away from him and I don’t know if that was
the first sign, but a part of me is disconnected. I don’t know if
Jack’s the cause of that or not, and for that reason, I feel like I
need to step away from Jack as well. It isn’t fair to Derek to
break it off if I don’t know why I’m doing so, or just because
another guy came on the scene. Still, something is clearly missing.
I’ve been unhappy since school started and I don’t think I can be
with him the way I used to want to be. That breaks my heart,
because he’s such a part of me.

On the other hand, it is absolutely
unfair to Jack to start a relationship when I don’t even know where
I stand with Derek or myself. He’s in so much need and I’d only be
hurting him by getting involved if I didn’t know for sure it was
what I wanted. He took a huge risk by even considering taking what
was supposed to be a fling to another level; I can’t pretend that I
don’t know what is at stake if I screw it up. I’m not ready for
that kind of commitment after what I have to face with Derek and I
decide it’s more important to stay away from them both for
now.

When I make my way back to my room, I
expect to be alone. Instead, I find Derek sitting on my bed, with a
stuffed tiger he bought me last spring sitting on his lap. He’s
crying and I wish I could make it all okay. Kristen is nowhere to
be found. I shouldn’t want to bother her with this, but I could use
some moral support right about now.

“
Hi,” I say. The door
shuts quietly behind me.

“
I have only loved you,”
he says. It’s not what I want to hear and I go to Kristen’s bed and
sit down.

“
Derek, the number of
nights I spent fantasizing about you… I always dreamed it would be
you. You’ve made me incredibly happy this past year, but something
happened. I don’t feel like I even know you anymore. I feel like we
went in different directions, but neither of us wanted to admit
it.”

“
You’re the only direction
I know.” Tears streak down his face and looking at him destroys me.
I realized in my walk that this was the right thing to do, but I
didn’t realize it would be so hard. A part of me hoped he felt the
same, but evidently, he doesn’t.

“
Why do you even like me?
You have a whole life outside of me. You chose to spend time
playing rugby and doing things at school that didn’t include me. I
missed you so much. Don’t you think that says
something?”