Forget Me Not (14 page)

“
The last time, I was
fourteen. It was the same thing as always. I’d learned to take care
of myself, and Mom did nothing. Dad came home, she was a mess, and
they fought. I don’t know what changed for him, but suddenly, he
couldn’t deal with it anymore. Their fight became more violent than
normal. Hitting each other was never out of the question, but this
was different. I don’t know who started it, but eventually, he
stopped it. He snapped her neck in the middle of the living room.
After that, I came to live here with my grandmother.”

“
I’m sorry.” It’s a weak
thing to say, but it’s true and it’s the only way to express how I
feel about what he’s gone through.

“
Yeah. I hear that a
lot.”

Nodding, I reach for my clothes. It
seems dirty and wrong that we’ve been acting the way we have. Jack
has bigger needs and, if I’m honest with myself, I have to admit
that I am not the person to meet them. I want to be his friend, but
I don’t think I can handle all this. I’m not planning to leave, but
I do feel naked being, well, naked.

“
Don’t leave, Lily.
Please?” In his voice is something I haven’t heard since I met him
– weakness.

“
I don’t think I can
handle this,” I tell him.

He’s quiet and I know why.
He doesn’t want to have been right about me, but I just confirmed
that he was. I hate myself for being afraid, for feeling like this
is too much, but I can’t help it. This is huge and I’m nineteen.
I’m about to say something, to explain all this, when he looks at
me and his eyes break my heart. In them, I see that little boy –
the dirty eight-year-old who didn’t understand why his mommy left
him all summer. I see the teenager who couldn’t save his mother,
not only from his dad but also from herself. And I see the man he’s
becoming, the guy who throws himself into situations that will give
him physical release even though he’s still hurting inside.
Handling it no longer seems relevant. The question is can I handle
him? Do I
want
to
handle him? He reaches for my hand and I know that the answer is
yes. I want to be there for Jack, even if it’s the hardest thing
I’ll ever do.

“
I’m not asking you to
handle it,” he says. “I told you I can’t be your boyfriend. This is
why. I can’t be a boyfriend. I won’t end up like him. I refuse to
put anyone through that. You don’t have to feel guilty.”

“
Jack, even if you were my
boyfriend, you wouldn’t end up like him.”

“
What makes you so
sure?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know. I
barely know you. I know that you took me drinking and fucked me to
stop me from being depressed a few days ago. I know that you are
facing demons that I can’t even imagine outside of a bad movie. I
know that you’re scared and that you don’t want to let me in, but I
also know that you genuinely cared that I was depressed. And, in
the only way you knew how, you tried to help. Finally, I know that
I want to know you.”

“
Why?”

“
I don’t know.”

“
That’s a pretty pathetic
answer,” he says.

“
Maybe. But it’s
true.”

“
I’m a broken mess, Lily.
I can’t be your Prince Charming.”

“
You’re right. You can’t.
But you can be someone genuine, which is far more
important.”

“
You’re still running
away,” he points out.

“
I’m not running. It’s
just… I don’t think I know how to make it okay for you. I’m just a
perfect princess, remember? My life is easy.”

“
My pretty, perfect
princess,” he says and squeezes my hand. “You could never be
incomplete like me.”

“
I’ve been
incomplete.”

“
But not
broken.”

“
No. In that way, you’re
right. Jack, I don’t know how to be anything more than me. Take it
or leave it.”

“
You know,” he says. “When
I moved out here, I had to start high school all over again. So,
that meant that not only was I the new kid, but I was also the
killer’s kid. High school sucks and it’s bad enough for regular
people. It’s unbearable for people like me. People shunned me. It
took me forever to make friends. I had two for the rest of high
school. Two friends. I couldn’t wait to get away, to go to college,
to not be that kid anymore.”

“
I’m really sorry,” I
say.

“
I thought you were like
all of them. All those people who only saw that kid. But no matter
how mean I was, you just didn’t stop looking at me like I was a
whole person.”

“
You are a whole person.
And I wish I could be stronger than I am.”

“
I know,” he replies and
we sit together in quiet for a moment. I can’t promise Jack
anything and he can’t promise me, either. He’s broken and I’m
missing a piece. Together, there is still emptiness between
us.

“
C’mon,” he says. “Let’s
eat something and I’ll bring you home.”

Jack’s grandmother says nothing when
we enter the kitchen. I don’t suppose he brings many girls, or even
friends, here. She doesn’t ask how we know each other. She makes us
sandwiches and we all eat in silence. The entire house feels sad. I
can see that his grandmother has taken on a great deal of the
family’s misery, because she was the only one left. For the mother
that Jack lost, she also lost her daughter. There is nothing but
pain here in this house, and I can’t leave fast enough.

After we eat, Jack brings me back to
the dorm. He hasn’t said anything, which makes my weakness even
worse for me. I wish he’d yell at me, tell me I am just like
everyone else, and tell me that he’s ashamed of me. I know I’m
ashamed of me. When we get to our floor, though, he doesn’t say a
thing or make any move to touch me before turning down his side of
the hall and leaving me by the elevator.

Chapter 11

It’s nearly impossible to go back to
classes the next day, but I do it. All I can think about is Jack
and what he’s told me. I realize I am out of my league; he’s too
broken for me to fix. However, I can’t help but want to try. I
don’t know if I’m falling for him or if this is just natural
empathy, but he’s all I can think about. The day is a blur;
midterms and papers are happening all week, but I can’t think about
anything but Jack. When I get back to the dorm, I almost go
immediately to his room, but I don’t want to look desperate.
Besides, I still don’t know what my intentions or expectations
are.

Kristen is already back when I get in.
She’s sitting on her bed working on a paper. Shit. That’s right. I
still have to finish that research paper.

“
What’s going on?” I know
by the tone of her voice that she wants to ask about my weekend,
but it feels too personal. I just shrug.

“
Nothing. I can’t believe
I forgot I had to finish my paper.”

“
Busy weekend?”

“
You’re fishing,” I warn
her.

“
Are you gonna tell
me?”

I shake my head. “I can’t. I don’t
even know what to say.”

“
What about
Derek?”

“
I don’t know,” I admit.
“I haven’t heard from him at all.”

“
You didn’t make the
effort, either,” she reminds me.

“
Maybe I just don’t want
to anymore,” I say and it’s the most honest thought I’ve had about
Derek since school started. Kristen said to me the other day that I
don’t come across as the type to give up easily, which is true.
Maybe with Derek, I just don’t want to try or fight for something
that was already falling apart.

“
Do you think Jack’s right
for you?” Kristen asks.

“
I don’t know what’s right
or wrong anymore.”

“
What do you like about
him?”

“
Other than the physical
stuff?”

She rolls her eyes. “Yes. A
relationship based on sex is fine for a while, but eventually,
it’ll get old. Who is Jack and why do you like knowing
him?”

“
I don’t know who he is. I
only know I really want to find out.”

Kristen sighs and goes back to her
paper. “Just be careful, Lily.”

I want to defend Jack, to tell her
that she’s wrong about him, but in many ways, she’s right. He’s not
his father or his past, but that doesn’t mean he’s right for me. I
know this, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to make an effort.
Still, I tell myself I need to work on my paper and not worry about
guys right now. Unfortunately, I decide to check my email first and
there is a message from Derek.

Lily, I’m so sorry about
this weekend. I promise I will make it up to you. I’ve been trying
to call. I left a bunch of messages. Are you okay? Let’s do
something this weekend? I love you, sweetie.

For the past few days, I was so lost
in Jack and escaping from reality that I nearly forgot all about
Derek. It all crashes down on me now and I start sobbing. I have
loved Derek since I knew what it meant to like boys. Why isn’t it
enough anymore? What am I doing wrong? I know he’s been distant,
but I haven’t been easy to deal with, either. We used to be so good
together. Am I just looking for an excuse for it not to work? Would
I still be this confused if Jack had never talked to me that
morning while Derek took a shower? It’s a mess and I promise myself
that I will focus on school and then talk to Jack this week. We can
try to stay friends and I’ll fix things with Derek this
weekend.

My resolve lasts all of an hour – up
until Jack knocks on my door.

“
Hey,” he says. In all my
selfish desire to hide from myself, I never really looked at him.
However, aside from the darkness he carries around with him and his
attempts as being outwardly different, he is really cute. Not just
sexy, but cute as well. Right now, he looks uncomfortable standing
in the doorway being the vulnerable one and I want to hug him. His
eyes are beautiful; they look sad and yet hopeful when he looks up
from staring at his feet. “Do you want to come to dinner with
me?”

“
Yeah,” I say. “Of
course.” It isn’t a big move, but after all his talk about not
being a boyfriend, it seems like a huge step. It’s not much of
date, but I’ll take it. He takes an even bigger step when we get
outside and he takes my hand. I feel like I never have; this is
what relationships are all about. The nervous energy and innocent
discovery of another person. Maybe the reason it was missing with
Derek has something to do with our history. For some people,
friendships make strong foundations for relationships; for others,
they aren’t strong enough to hold up the weight of anything that
serious.

“
I thought you’d run away
and never come back,” Jack says.

“
Well, I
didn’t.”

“
Even after you saw what I
am.” There is awe in his voice.

“
I told you. You’re not
your father.”

“
Tell that to everyone
else.”

“
Everyone else is
stupid.”

He laughs and it’s a beautiful sound.
“That they are.”

“
So you’ve never had any
friends? At all?” I ask.

“
I had two. I wasn’t
kidding when I said two before. My best friends and only friends.
Dave’s in the Army now. His parents are almost as fucked up as
mine. Well, okay, maybe not. But they’re both drunks. We got along
immediately because of it. He isn’t that smart, but he’s a good
guy. He only passed high school because everyone felt bad for him.
His dad has been known to show up at school events and make a
scene. The last time was graduation, when Dave’s father stood up
during the ceremony and started shouting about the lies that the
government tells us. He was pissed when Dave signed up for the
military.”

“
Why’d he sign
up?”

“
One way we connected was
that we were both desperate to get out of town, to become new
people. His grades weren’t good enough for college. He thought the
Army was a good option.”

“
Is it?”

“
I’ve only heard from him
twice since he left. I think he hates it.” Jack sounds depressed
talking about Dave. I have no insight into the military or whatever
it is that is putting that sadness in Jack’s voice.

“
You said two friends?” I
say, trying to change the subject.

“
Alana is the other. She
was the first person to acknowledge me after I changed schools. She
didn’t care about the stories. She’d been the victim of her own
fair share of rumors. Although in her case, they weren’t
true.”

“
Like what?”

“
Nothing, really. Typical
high school shit. She was a slut. She had slept with a teacher. She
had a fake ID and was a stripper. Basically, whatever they could
think of to demean her.”

“
Why?”

“
Because they
could.”

I nod. My high school was small and
although I’m sure there were people who were picked on, it was
never obvious. On the other hand, maybe I’ve just been oblivious
for most of my life.

“
She’s always been there,”
Jack says. “Alana is the person who always knew how to pick up the
pieces.”