Get Smart 6 - And Loving It! (13 page)

“Max . . . do you think you should listen?”

“I’ll— Oops!”

Max put his shoe back on.

“What happened, Max?”

“Mr. Lincoln couldn’t talk any more.”

“I imagine he was pretty busy.”

“Yes. He said he had a long speech written and he had to edit it down so it would fit on the back of an envelope.”

“What did the Chief say, Max?”

“He called me a nut. Remember when Lucky Bucky Buckley tossed my shoe phone out the window, 99, and it hit V. T. Brattleboro? Well, apparently the blow unzopped him. Anyway, he called the Chief on my shoe and told him that you and I are dead. And the Chief believed him.”

“Maybe Brattleboro believes it, too.”

“Possibly.”

“The Chief, I suppose, refused to ask the Air Force to bomb the island out of existence.”

“Right.”

“What do we do now, Max?”

“Carry on, 99. We have no other choice. In spite of the fact that we will undoubtedly be too late, we’ll have to try to find our way back through the jungle to the castle and attempt to stop Lucky Bucky Buckley and Guru Optimo.”

“It sounds like a complete waste of time to me, Max.”

“Well, look at it this way, 99—what else do we have to do?”

“That’s a point.”

“Backward, 99!”

“Don’t you mean Onward!?”

“No, backward, 99—back to the castle.”

“Oh.”

Once more, they plunged into the jungle, following the stream. The heat beat down on them. The vines lashed at their faces. And the brambles pulled at their clothes.

Max halted. “It’s no use, 99. We’re lost.”

“Max, why don’t you climb one of these palm trees?”

“It doesn’t appeal to me, 99.”

“To look around, I mean. Maybe you could spot the castle.”

“Oh. All right.”

Max shinnied to the top of a tree.

“What do you see, Max?” 99 called.

“Well, I’m not sure. But it looks a little like a monkey.”

“I resent that a great deal,” the monkey said.

Max stared. “V. T. Brattleboro!”

“What is it, Max?” 99 shouted.

“It’s Brattleboro, 99.”

“Ask him what he’s doing up there!”

Max faced Brattleboro again. “You heard the question,” he said.

“I climbed up here for privacy,” Brattleboro replied. “I was making a phone call.”

“On my shoe?”

“Right. I had a sudden inspiration. I said to myself, why don’t I call the Chief and have him contact the Air Force and have the Air Force bomb this island out of existence. But I knew he wouldn’t do it for me—a KAOS agent. So I pretended to be you. Which wasn’t easy, because, earlier, I had called him and told him you were dead. But this time I told him that Brattleboro was wrong, I wasn’t dead. Then I asked him to contact the Air Force.”

“Yes? And?”

“He hung up on me.”

“I’m not surprised,” Max said.

“The call wasn’t a total waste, though,” Brattleboro said. “I found out that Mr. Lincoln will be in Gettysburg later today.”

“Oh . . . good. He got the speech edited down, I guess.”

“What are you doing up here?” Brattleboro said. “I thought you were dead.”

“No, I’m not dead. And give me back my shoe. And I’m up here looking for the castle.”

“What would a castie be doing at the top of a palm tree?”

“Just give me my shoe!”

Brattleboro handed the shoe to Max. Max put it on, then slid down the tree trunk. Brattleboro followed.

“Did you see the castle, Max?” 99 said.

“99, what would a castle be doing at the top of a palm tree?”

“I don’t know, Max. If you knew it wasn’t up there, why did you climb the tree?”

“If you’re looking for the castle,” Brattleboro said, “I know where it is. I just left there.” He pointed. “You just follow that stream.”

With Brattleboro to show them the way, they had no difficulty at all finding the castle. But then another problem arose—getting past the guards.

“Stopped!” Max said.

“I’ll hypnotize them and make them think we’re somebody else,” Brattleboro suggested.

“How about the two Smith Bros, and their sister?”

“They might mistake us for beatniks,” Max replied.

“Casting agents from Hollywood?”

“Perfect!”

Brattleboro hypnotized each of the guards as they passed by. Finally, he had them all under his spell. Then Max, Brattleboro and 99 stepped out and walked toward the castle. The guards crowded around them, asking for roles in their next picture. Brattleboro promised them all a starring part. Then the guards wandered off to brood about the lack of privacy in a star’s life.

Max, 99 and Brattleboro reached the castle and entered.

“What now?” 99 whispered.

“Find and destroy Lucky Bucky Buckley,” Max replied. “We’ve been nice guys about this long enough.”

“Right,” Brattleboro said.

“Not you, us,” Max said.

“How will we find him?” 99 asked.

Max looked at his watch. “It’s noon. We’ll go straight to the great hall, and there, unless I’m greatly mistaken, we’ll find him at lunch.”

“Brilliant, Max!”

“I would have thought of that if my watch wasn’t slow,” Brattleboro said.

They proceeded quietly along the corridor until they reached the door to the great hall. The door was closed, but they could hear sounds inside.

“What is that?” 99 said, cocking an ear.

“Someone eating celery,” Max replied.

“Suppose it’s Guru Optimo? All we have to do is open the door and he’ll zop us.”

“We have the element of surprise in our favor,” Max said. “Here’s what we’ll do. Brattleboro, I’ll yank open the door. And before Guru Optimo can zop us, you zop him first. Make him think we’re three of the guards. That way, he’ll make no attempt to stop us.”

“Yes? Then?”

“When we get inside, we’ll tell Lucky Bucky that there’s a phone call for him in his room. When he leaves, we’ll follow him. And when we get him out here in the corridor we’ll overpower him and put him out of his happiness.”

“Put him out of his happiness, Max?”

“That’s the opposite of putting him out of his misery, but it has the same result.”

“Got it,” Brattleboro said. “You yank, and I’ll zop.”

“Right. Ready?”

“What do you want me to do, Max?” 99 said.

“Hum something, 99,” he replied. “In the movies, when the hero does something dangerous like this, there’s always music in the background.”

“Anything special, Max?”

Brattleboro spoke up. “How about ‘I’ll be Glad When You’re Dead, You Nice Guy, You’?” he said. “That’s our KAOS fight song.”

“What’s the tune?” 99 asked.

“It’s sung to Shubert’s Symphony No. 3 in D Major as played by the Hanky Panky String Band, H. Panky, conductor.”

“If you two don’t mind,” Max broke in, “Could we get to the yanking and the zopping now?”

“We’re waiting for you,” Brattleboro said. “You’re on yank.”

Max yanked.

Lucky Bucky was seated at the table alone, gnawing on a stalk of celery. He looked up.

“Looks like I’m stuck with a zop,” Brattleboro said.

“Keep it handy,” Max ordered. “Guru Optimo could show up any second!”

“Guards!” Lucky Bucky yelled.

Max ran to him and clapped a hand over his mouth. Brattleboro arrived and grabbed his arms and held them behind him.

“Now, if you’ll promise not to struggle and not to yell, we’ll release you,” Max said.

“Mmmrbphempydmp! ”

“I think we have a little problem,” Max said. “Was that yes or no?”

“Take a chance,” Brattleboro suggested.

Max took his hand from Lucky Bucky’s mouth.

“You can’t get away with this!” Lucky Bucky said. “I’ve got guards posted in every corridor and Guru Optimo is on his way down now to lunch!”

“We just came from the corridor,” Max pointed out. “And there were no guards.”

“You weren’t looking!”

“It won’t work,” Max said. “We’ve got you now, and we’re going to do to you exactly what you tried to do to us.”

“Maxie Baby, it was only a game,” Lucky Bucky persisted. “You think I meant to hurt you, kicking you into a bottomless pit?”

“That was certainly the impression I got.”

“Okay, you don’t want to play the game? Fine by me. We’ll call it even.”

“Max, how are we going to put him out of his happiness?” 99 said. “We have no weapons.”

“I still have my pistol,” Brattleboro said. “We could shoot him.”

“Here?” Max said, appalled. “In the eating room? That’s the height of poor taste, Brattleboro. We’ll take him to the dungeon and shoot him.”

Brattleboro got out his gun and pointed it at Lucky Bucky. “Victims first,” he said.

They left the great hall and marched down the corridor towards the stairs.

“Max . . . isn’t shooting him a little . . . well, drastic,” 99 said.

“Maybe you’re right, 99. Frankly, the idea doesn’t appeal much to me, either.”

“I like it,” Brattleboro said.

“Do I get a vote?” Lucky Bucky asked.

“We could throw him to the crocodiles,” 99 said. “Somehow, that wouldn’t seem so personal.”

“Why don’t you all just go away and leave me on the island alone?” Lucky Bucky said. “In twenty or thirty years, I’d probably be bored to death.”

“I lean toward the crocodile idea,” Max said.

“I don’t know why I’m carrying a gun if I’m not going to get to use it,” Brattleboro protested. “When they gave me my gun, they said—”

There was a sudden roaring sound behind them.

Max looked back. “That sounds like—”

A figure appeared from around a corner and raced toward them, engine screaming.

“The hit-and-run driver!” Max shouted. “Out of the way!”

They flattened themselves against the wall.

The hit-and-run driver roared by.

And as he passed, Lucky Bucky broke loose and ran down the corridor in his wake.

“Guards!” Lucky Bucky screeched. “Guards!”

Max, Brattleboro and 99 darted after him.

“Guards!”

A pack of guards appeared from around a corner.

Max, Brattleboro and 99 skidded to a stop, then reversed direction and ran the other way.

“Stop’em!” Lucky Bucky shouted.

“It looks like the running shoes are on the other feet again,” Max commented.

“You and your childish hostility toward poor taste!” Brattleboro complained. “You should have let me shoot him back there in the eating place.”

“You could try shooting him now, you know,” Max replied. “He’d make a perfect target, running along behind us like that.”

“Max! He’s gone!” 99 said.

Max looked back over his shoulder. “No, he isn’t, 99. He’s still right behind us—him and those guards.”

“I mean Brattleboro.”

“You’re right, 99,” Max said, peering all around. “Now, how did he do that?”

“He clouded our minds, Max, and made us think he’s something else.”

Once more, Max looked back over his shoulder. “I wonder . . .”

“What, Max?”

“Forget it, 99. But I’ll tell you this: We’re going to feel pretty foolish if Lucky Bucky catches up with us and we find out we’ve been running from V. T. Brattleboro.”

M
AX AND
99 darted around corners, right, left, left, right, left, right, right, left—but Lucky Bucky and the guards kept pace with them.

“I wish we could lose them, then bump into them by accident again,” Max said.

“How would that help, Max?”

“It wouldn’t help, but it would be a funny little bit to pass along to the Chief if we ever get out of this alive. He’s collecting anecdotes for a book he’s going to call ‘Espionage Can Be Fun.’ ”

“Max, I don’t know how long I can keep running.”

“Hold out for a couple more minutes, 99. We’re almost safe.”

“We are, Max?”

“See that door up ahead? The one that says ‘Dining Room’ right above it? Well, I happen to know that in old buildings like this castle the dining room usually has a dumbwaiter. We can use it to escape.”

“Max, how can we be sure that the waiter will be dumb enough to help us?”

“It isn’t a person, 99. It’s an apparatus. It’s sort of an elevator for carrying food from the kitchen up to the dining room. It’s called a dumbwaiter because it worked for no pay.”

“What good is it going to do us, Max?”

“I would think you’d be able to figure that out. We’ll get into the dumbwaiter and ride down to the kitchen. Then we’ll leave it there. That way, Lucky Bucky and the guards won’t be able to use it to follow us.”

“Well, it sounds like a good idea, Max. But one thing bothers me—I don’t think this castle even has a dining room. If it does, why does Lucky Bucky always eat in the great hall?”

“Which are you going to trust, 99, your intuition or your eyes? Doesn’t it say ‘Dining Room’ over that doorway?”

“All right, Max. Seeing is believing, I guess. Still—”

They reached the doorway. Max yanked open the door, he and 99 rushed into the room, then Max slammed the door behind them.

The room looked almost exactly like the Squash Room. There were no windows and only the one door. The only difference was a lead pipe that protruded from the ceiling.

“Well, Max?”

“Now, we know why Lucky Bucky eats in the great hall,” Max replied. “The dining room furniture was repossessed.”

“The dumbwaiter too, Max.”

“Yes. I think we better get out of here, 99, before—”

“Ha! Smart!” Lucky Bucky called in to them. “You’ve got a perfect record—you did it again! You’re trapped in the Dieing Room!”

Max grabbed the door knob and tried to turn it. But the door was locked.

“Did you hear what he said, Max?”

“Of course, I heard. He said I have a perfect record.”

“I mean about this being the dieing room.”

“Dining Room, 99.”

“That’s not what he said.”

Max called out through the door. “Lucky Bucky, we have a little controversy going in here,” he said, “and maybe you can settle it for us. Did you refer to this as the dining room or the dieing room?”

“D-i-e-i-n-g.”

“I’m sure I saw d-i-n-i-n-g over the doorway. Explain that, please.”

“The guy what built the castle was only a so-so speller.”

“I see. Then maybe you can explain too why he needed a dieing room.”