Get Smart 6 - And Loving It! (11 page)

“The ceiling is getting lower and lower, Max.”

“Lucky Bucky?” Max called again.

“Here, Max Baby.”

“Just as a matter of curiosity, do you play much squash in this room?”

“Never used it before,” Lucky Bucky replied. “It was put in by the Spanish gentleman what built the joint. He used it to squash his enemies.”

“I see.”

“That explains a lot, I guess, Max,” 99 said gloomily.

“Yes, a great deal,” Max nodded. “Everything, in fact, except why, with no service lines marked on the walls and floor, it’s called the Squash Room.” He shrugged. “We’ll probably never know.”

“L
UCKY
B
UCKY
Buckley!” Max called.

Silence.

“He’s gone, Max,” 99 said. “He’s left us to our fate.”

Max looked up at the ceiling again. “Do you notice something strange, 99?” he said thoughtfully.

“Strange, Max? Well . . . it isn’t
every
day I get crushed between a ceiling and a floor.”

“Not that. Something . . . something
not quite right
.”

“Don’t you like the color of the ceiling, Max?”

“Off-white? How could I complain about that?”

“Then what?”

“I just can’t quite put my finger on it, 99.”

“Well, you’ll be able to soon, Max. At the rate it’s descending, I’d say that the ceiling will be within finger reach in about ten minutes.”

Frowning, Max looked about. He suddenly brightened. “That’s it, 99! Look—the door is disappearing!”

99 glanced toward the door. Only about half of it was still visible. The lower half seemed to have sunk below the floor.

“I don’t see why that pleases you so, Max. What good is half a door?”

“That’s not the point, 99. The point is, the ceiling is not descending!”

“Then how do you explain the fact that it’s getting lower?”

“It isn’t, 99. It’s an optical illusion.”

“You mean we’re not going to be crushed, Max?”

“Oh no, we’re going to be crushed, all right. But not because the ceiling is descending. It’s because the floor is rising. That explains why the door is disappearing.”

“Oh.”

“99, that’s a very important discovery. But you don’t seem very interested.”

“Max, if I’m going to be squashed between the ceiling and the floor, I don’t see what difference it’s going to make to me in the long run whether the ceiling is rising and the floor is descending or the floor is rising and the ceiling is descending or vice versa or anything else.”

“That’s shortsighted of you, 99. It so happens that the difference may make the difference between life and death. You see, if the ceiling were descending, we could assume that the force of gravity was being used to lower it. But the floor could not be raised by gravity, could it?”

“I don’t think so, Max.”

“Do you understand what I’m getting at, 99? A mechanical power, obviously, is being used to raise the floor. What does that suggest?”

“It’s time to duck, Max.”

“Pardon.”

“The ceiling is going to bump you on the head.”

“Oh.”

Max and 99 sat down on the floor.

“To continue,” Max said, “it means that the mechanical apparatus that is raising the floor is probably being operated by some sort of electric motor.”

“Is that what you were getting at, Max? I could have told you that.”

“I see,” he replied shortly. “And what brilliant reasoning did you use, 99, to figure it out?”

“I heard the motor go on when the ceiling began to descend.”

“I told you, 99—the ceiling is not descending, the floor is rising.”

“Well, whichever.”

“You’ve caught Brattleboro’s fuzzy thinking, 99.”

“Max, what good is it going to do us to know that the mechanical apparatus is operated by an electric motor?”

“Guess, 99. What should we do next?”

“Duck again, Max.”

They flattened themselves on the floor.

“And what else, 99?”

“Send out for syrup?”

“I don’t quite follow that, 99.”

“In a very few minutes, Max, we’re going to be flatter than a couple of pancakes.”

Max shook his head. “That’s not it. The thing to do now is contact the Chief and have him contact the Electric Company and have the Electric Company shut off the electric power to the island.”

“Max! That’s a brilliant idea!”

Max got his shoe phone and dialed. “Let’s just hope the Chief’s line isn’t busy,” he said.

Operator:
Number, please.

Max:
It’s me, Operator. Connect me with the Chief.

Operator:
Me who?

Max:
Me Max.

Operator:
The Max who was dropped into a well of boiling oil and devoured by crocodiles? Where are you calling from?

Max:
From a Squash Room, Operator. Will you connect me with the Chief, please.

Operator:
How did they get the Squash Room into a crocodile?

Max:
They didn’t. And I don’t have time to discuss it. 99 and I are about to be ground between the upper and nether millstones. So connect me with the Chief.

Operator:
One moment please.

(click)

Chief:
Control . . . Chief here.

Operator:
It’s Max calling, Chief. He and 99 are going to pretend to be dirt.

Chief:
What?

Max:
Operator, I said no such thing!

Operator:
You said you were about to be ground.

Chief:
Did you say that, Max? If you’re going to use that shoe phone to talk nonsense to the operator, I’m afraid I’ll have to take it away from you. It’s not a toy.

Max:
Chief, what I told the operator was that 99 and I are about to be ground between the upper and nether millstones. And what I meant by that was, we’re trapped in a Squash Room and the floor is rising toward the ceiling. We are, in short, about to be squashed!

Chief:
Oh. How did you get out of the boiling oil, Max?

Operator:
How did you get out of the crocodile, Max?

Max:
That isn’t important. Chief, I have a favor to ask. Would you please call the Electric Company. I want—

Chief:
Just a minute, Max. I’ll have to use the other phone.

Max:
All right. (A sound of dialing, then of muffled conversation)

Chief:
Okay, Max, I called the Electric Company. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Max:
Tell them—

Chief:
Max, I don’t still have them on the line. You just said to call them.

Operator:
This is fun! Call the Gas Company next, Chief.

Max:
Operator, stay out of this! It’s a matter of life and death! Chief, call the Electric Company back. Tell them to shut off the power to this island! There isn’t a second to lose!

Chief:
Why didn’t you tell me that the first time, Max. I’ll feel silly calling them again.

Max:
Chief, please. They probably don’t know who it was the first time.

Chief:
Sure they do. I said, hello, this is the Chief. And they said, hello, this is the Electric Company. And I said, how’re things at the Electric Company? And they said, fine, how’re things at the Chief place? And I said, great, and then we couldn’t think of anything more to say.

Max:
Swallow your pride, Chief. Call again.

Chief:
I’ll do it. But I’m going to tell them I’m you.

(Sound of dialing and muffled conversation again)

Chief:
I’m mortified, Max. They recognized my voice.

Max:
It was worth it, Chief. The floor has stopped rising. We’re saved.

Operator:
Oh, sure, fine for you. But the Chief is a laughing stock.

Max:
I’m sorry about that, Chief.

Chief:
Nevermind, Max. It will all be forgotten in ten or fifteen years or so. Now, about the mission. I suppose the fact that you and 99 were trapped in a Squash Room means that you haven’t recaptured Guru Optimo yet.

Max:
That sums it up fairly well, Chief. However, now that we are no longer being ground between the upper and nether millstones, we intend to get right back on the job. Incidentally, do you have any suggestions on how to open a door that has completely disappeared?

Chief:
It’s impossible, Max. Forget about it and get out of that Squash Room and find Guru Optimo.

Max:
That’s the problem, Chief. We’re locked in. And the door has disappeared.

Operator:
Maybe one of the crocodiles ate it.

Max:
Impossible.

Chief:
Have you looked in the crocodiles, Max?

Max:
Chief, the crocodiles are in the dungeon and we’re on an upper floor.

Operator:
Crocodiles aren’t people, you know, Max. They haven’t had any training in table manners. They don’t know they’re not supposed to reach.

Max:
Chief, there’s too much interference on the line. I’ll call you back after 99 and I figure out how to get out of a locked room with no door.

Chief:
I’d rather not know, Max. Just call me when you have the mission safely wrapped up.

Max:
That will probably be very soon, Chief.

Operator:
Don’t bet on it, Chief. By the time Max wraps up this mission you’ll probably have time to live down that call to the Electric Company and knit a pair of booties for the Jolly Green Giant to boot.

Max hung up.

“What did the Chief say, Max?” 99 asked.

“He has every confidence in us.”

“That’s nice. How are we going to get out of here, Max?”

“He didn’t say.”

99 sighed. “I wish we’d thought to bring along some of those gadgets from Research & Development.”

“99! That’s it! I think I have some gadgets left over from our last mission!”

“Wonderful, Max!”

He dug into his pocket and brought out a handful of tiny capsules. “Let’s see what we have here . . . Ah! A miniature submarine!”

“How will that help, Max?”

“I’m afraid it won’t, 99. It says here that it’s a convertible. And you know how convertibles are—the top always leaks.”

“Anything else of value, Max?”

“We won’t starve,” Max replied. “Here’s a seven-year supply of peanut brittle.”

“Now that you mention it, I could use a snack.”

Max opened the capsule. What remained of the Squash Room was immediately filled with peanut brittle.

“Max! I can’t move!”

“Don’t panic, 99. Start nibbling.”

“But, Max, it’s a seven-year supply.”

“Never believe what you read on a package, 99. Take my word for it, six years from now there won’t be a bite of peanut brittle in sight.”

“Max, check the other capsules, will you? Maybe there’s a solution for dissolving peanut brittle.”

“Mmmmmmm . . . no, but here’s a capsule that contains a package of twelve dynamite sticks.”

“Max! We’re saved! We can blast our way out!”

“I hope so, 99. Let me read the instructions. It says: ‘Attach fuse to dynamite stick, then light fuse, then stand back.’ But we have no means of lighting the fuse, 99.”

“We could rub two sticks together.”

“The package doesn’t come with sticks.”

“We could use two sticks of dynamite.”

“Standing back is going to be a problem, 99.”

“Maybe this peanut brittle will shield us.”

“Well, it’s worth a try. I’ll just— Oh-oh—”

“What, Max?”

“There’s a tag attached to this capsule. It says: ‘Note: These dynamite sticks will not fire if exposed to a mixture of sugar, water, corn syrup, butter, soda, vanilla and
arachis hypogaea.’
”

“What’s that, for heaven’s sake, Max?”

“The ingredients of peanut brittle.”

“Arachis hypogaea?”

“Goobers.”

“Oh. Well, try another capsule, Max.”

“Here’s a collapsible Greyhound Bus. Nope, no use to us. There’s no collapsible driver. How about this—a miniature piggy bank.”

“What for?”

“For small change.”

“Keep going, Max.”

“That’s all the capsules, 99. I’m afraid there’s no hope. We’re doomed.”

They fell silent. The only sound in the Squash Room was the crunching of peanut brittle.

Then, soon, a voice called to them from outside the room.

“Smart! Are you still alive? It’s me, Lucky Bucky! Have mercy! You win!”

“Max!” 99 said. “Did you hear that!”

“We’re imagining it, 99. We’ve lost our minds.”

“But it
sounded
like Lucky Bucky Buckley!”

“It always does. That’s how you can tell that you’re insane. You hear your worst enemy begging for mercy.”

“Smart!” the voice called again. “Answer me! I can’t stand it! I know you did it! I know you turned off the electricity! Have mercy! Without electricity, I can’t make my morning coffee! Without my cup of morning coffee, I’m a nervous wreck!”

“Max, it’s him!” 99 insisted.

“All right, 99, since we’re doomed, I’ll humor you. I’ll say it’s him too. Is there anything else I can do to make your last hours easier for you?”

“Answer him, Max!”

“Why not?” Max shouted out to Lucky Bucky. “You’re right—I did have the electricity turned off. If you want it on again, you’ll have to get us out of here!”

“Hold on! You’re as good as out!”

Max snickered. “If this weren’t so tragic, it would be funny, 99,” he said.

“I’ve got the fire ax,” Lucky Bucky called. “I’m chopping down the wall!”

“Max . . . chopping sounds . . .” 99 said. “This is real!”

“99, at the hour of death, the imagination has no limits.”

They heard a scream outside the room.

“What now?” Max called, amused.

“I just chopped through the wall,” Lucky Bucky replied. “I didn’t know the Squash Room would do that to you. I’m sorry!”

“Do what to us?” Max asked, puzzled.

“Didn’t you notice? It turned you to peanut brittle!”

“That’s not us,” Max replied. “Keep chopping.”

The chopping sounds resumed.

“Max, he’s going to save us,” 99 said.

“If it makes you happier, 99, of course he is.”