Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (11 page)

It's crucial for couples to disagree without disconnecting. A commitment to each other means an alliance, a standing together to face whatever comes—including loving, quarreling, and making up. It's not outside forces that threaten to divide you; the biggest danger to your union comes from within.

Trigger-happy, dart-throwing, firecracker types, Jack and Leigh came to counseling ready to fight. If Jack loses money playing poker, Leigh claims her right to spend an equal amount of money on clothes. When she (against his wishes) invites her family to visit for a few days, he (against her wishes) flies to Las Vegas. Regardless of what happens, they insist on their individual rights first and foremost. They get mad when they don't get their own ways.

It's productive to get angry, disagree, debate, and fight it out, as long as your intention is to understand one another better. You will have differences of opinion. You'll have ample frustrations. You'll get mad and quarrel, but those tussles don't have to tear your relationship apart. Remember, it's love that all of us are seeking.

Instead of fighting for your own way, fight for the kernel of insight, look for the clue that brings you closer, make your intention the search for mutual understanding. Seek to find out all that you can about what makes yourself and your sweetheart tick. You can fight the same old fight over and over again—as most of us do—and remain optimistic. By agreeing in advance that you will hang in there even though you risk being exposed, you establish positive intention.

When Todd and Alice designed their new home, it was an artistic undertaking of combining his preference for an austere rambler with her desire for a cozy two-story cottage. He wanted sleek gray slate for the entry; she wanted whitewashed stone. He likes black leather straight-lined furniture; she wants white brocade slipcovers. “We had plenty of heated disagreements, but we've ended up with a home that incorporates both,” said Alice. “We combined our preferences for black and white and came up with a gray theme. We combined smooth surfaces with texture; we incorporated elements of each taste and found a balance. This brought a harmony that wouldn't have been there without each other's contributions.” You expand your horizons by combining the best of your distinct preferences.

Regardless of how angry you are, chances are you'll stay connected by remembering:

1. Don't say everything you're thinking or feeling, because if you do you're likely to cause another fight.
   
2. Say something positive about the situation: “I'm glad that we're in the process of figuring this out.”
   
3. Always apologize when you're out of line: “Honey, I'm sorry, I goofed.”
   
4. Stay hopeful and restate often your intention to stay connected.
   

Instead of fighting for your own way, fight for the kernel of truth that brings you closer.

When your upset involves your partner, give him a clear picture of what is going on. Tell him—as soon as you figure it out—what you're thinking and feeling. When your sweetheart doesn't know what you're thinking or feeling, you're both in the dark. Not sharing an opinion, an idea, or feeling that's intense and important to you automatically creates a distance between you.

It takes courage to good-naturedly tell our mate what we're concerned or worried about. That's especially true if she has a position that is different from ours. We imagine that he will be bothered by what we have to say, and since we're uncomfortable with arguments, we avoid bringing up our differences. Nothing gets resolved and the distance between lovers grows. Sooner or later the pushed-away upset seeps out—either through sarcasm, resentment, or constant bickering—and by then the original disturbance has been compounded with more frustration and misunderstanding.

Expressing yourself well is difficult at first, especially if you haven't had much training in the art, but it's worth learning. By your expression you can reshape the core of your relationship. When you keep your upset a secret, it eats away at your self-worth and your relationship can't improve, but when you use anger as a positive force for change, you can resolve what's bothering you.

Here are five easy steps for expressing yourself to your mate:

1. Ask if she is willing to help you solve a problem: “I'm wondering if you could help me with a problem?”
   
2. Make a statement about what's upsetting you: “I'm feeling overwhelmed with my responsibilities and I need to have quiet time each evening to unwind. When you interrupt my reading it's difficult for me to relax.”
   
3. Ask for the changes you'd like your partner to consider: “Could we agree to an hour of private time each evening?” and “Would you make sure the kids don't interrupt me?”
   
4. Share what you're going to do differently: “Before I take my hour of private time, I will check with you to see if you need me to handle something first.”
   
5. Thank your sweetheart for listening and considering your request: “Thank you so much. I appreciate your support and understanding.”
   

If you carefully consider the statement you want to make before making it, the effort is usually productive. Even if it doesn't get the results you wanted, you will feel good that you spoke on your own behalf.

If you want to talk about an emotionally charged subject, it works best to ask, “Honey, is this a good time to talk?”

A strange phenomenon sometimes happens in love relationships. Many couples, once they've found each other, try to hold on and squeeze so hard that they have no room to breathe. Well, this simply doesn't work! We say, “When will you be home?” And then when our sweetie is even a few minutes late, what do we do? We rant and rave, scream and yell, throw a fit. And if our honey wants to spend a day with a friend, we stomp our feet and pout—we threaten and accuse—and love slowly fades and withers into resentment.

Finding the right balance of togetherness and separateness is part of the task for a couple. When Elaine feels stressed, angry, or worried, she wants more togetherness, while Greg needs distance. “I need more time outs then Elaine does,” says Greg. “When I'm upset, I need to go to the gym and work out before I feel like being together.”

Freedom is very important in managing anger. I'm not suggesting that you take a back seat and become passive while your mate has an affair, but I am suggesting that you let your lover have the freedom to process the anger and hurt that he feels.

The real reason that we object to our loved one having freedom to process their feelings on their own is that we're afraid—afraid that sooner or later they'll leave us. But the quickest way to ensure that they indeed will leave us is to insist that they always and forever relate only with us.

You also have to give yourself freedom—the freedom to be true to yourself. That can be very scary. Maybe you'll get into trouble. Maybe somebody will get mad at you. Maybe something embarrassing will happen. When you're not true to yourself, you're not really happy. You think the other person is to blame, when not being true to yourself is making you unhappy. And when you're not really happy, you start feeling resentful, and you're quick to anger. If you're not true to yourself, instead of feeling love you start feeling resentful—and the wall of resentment between couples is hard to take down.

Loving partners allow each other freedom for self-exploration.

There is the normal expression of anger—-you bark at your wife because she volunteered the both of you to chair the church committee; you give your husband a tongue lashing when he's late for the lunch he invited you to—and there's the chronic, toxic anger that's a carryover from the past. Healthy anger is short-lived. Some research indicates that the anger response lasts about a minute. Which means that tirades of anger are an indication of a slush bucket of childhood wounds and “stinkin'-thinkin'.”

Living with a chronically angry person is a like living with a ticking bomb. You know that they're about to explode, but you don't know when. You don't want to trigger their rage, so you walk on eggshells and live in constant dread.

Brad has a problem with anger, but he doesn't know it. He's anxious, tense, and can't sit still. At night he plops himself in front of his big-screen television with a six-pack and barks orders to his wife and kids. If the kids are too noisy, he sends them to bed early. He verbally abuses his wife. He's impatient, gets annoyed easily, and shouts out threats.

Allison has a problem with anger too. She smiles and takes tranquilizers. If she doesn't get her way she's cold and critical. She tries to please everyone. When anyone gives her feedback about how her behavior is affecting them, she's defensive and interprets it as an attack. She verbally attacks back. If her children talk back, she falls apart, cries, and locks herself in the bathroom.

Both persons are time bombs, bubbling with rage. Rage may stem from repeated physical, sexual, and emotional abuse in childhood; abandonment by one's parents through neglect or absence; an unsafe emotional environment that didn't allow for the natural expression of feelings. Rage can also arise from social isolation and trauma. Rage is stored at the cellular level. It distorts our temperament and flares up out of nowhere.

Here are four warning signs of untreated rage:

1. The person can switch from an easygoing mood to an angry mood in seconds, without any warning.
   
2. The person expresses anger by hitting, throwing, shoving, grabbing, pinching, or punching.
   
3. The person uses name-calling, threats, and criticism.
   
4. The person is impatient, gets annoyed easily, is quick to use put-downs and poke fun.
   

Untreated rage destroys relationships and makes it impossible to have a happy, peaceful family life. You can't enjoy each other when one of you is eaten up by untreated rage. Rage is different from healthy anger in that it requires professional intervention, sometimes years of therapy, to work through. If you're in a relationship with someone like this or sense that you're suffering from pent-up rage, I encourage you to seek counseling right away. If you're living with a person full of rage you know it. Your gut tells you that something is wrong.

Wives and husbands are equally capable of treating each other miserably. Your spouse can only abuse you if you allow it. It's really true that it takes two to tangle. If you're in an abusive relationship, get help now.