Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (12 page)

Each of us comes into a relationship with emotional conditioning, patterns for dealing with anger that are left over from childhood. Many of us were not taught how to put words to our feelings; we weren't taught healthy ways to resolve anger or deal with conflict. You've learned a certain style for expressing anger, and chances are that the person you married has a pattern that's different from yours. How did your parents show anger? How did they resolve differences? When your parents were angry, did they tell you directly what was going on or did you have to guess? If they were mad with each other, did you suffer? Whose pattern do you tend to follow?

Lynne was raised with parents who never fought. “The first time Rick and I had a fight I just assumed we were headed for the divorce court,” she said. “Later in life I understood that my mother harbored so much anger and resentment because my father wouldn't fight. He sulked instead and used his arthritis as an excuse.”

Tim's parents never showed anger directly. As an adult he gets nervous and avoids anyone who does. His wife feels frustrated, because if she raises her voice or gets the slightest frustrated, he hides in the garage. Kate grew up with a raging mother, so she thinks it's normal for her husband to yell at and criticize her; she doesn't express her own anger and makes excuses for her husband's threatening behavior.

While childhood sets the stage for what we learned about expressing anger, our adult relationships are determined by our own choices. By sharing your childhood experiences of anger, you and your spouse can figure out what will work best. Do you want to resolve your disagreements as your parents did, or try something different? Which of your parents expressed anger and which one kept it in? Which parent are you most like? What is your anger style? Do you vent anger quickly or let it simmer?

Most couples say that handling anger constructively is the hardest part of their relationship. Resolving the little frustrations, hanging in to complete a heated discussion until both are satisfied, takes years of practice. Ashley said, “When we were first married, Nick would disappear when I got mad, which only made me madder. Then I'd yell and throw his papers on the floor. Now after thirty years of marriage, Nick still disappears when I get mad, but I leave his papers alone. I wait to talk with him about it until I can put my anger in perspective. Then I try to be
logical because he can't handle my emotions.

“My mother told me, ‘Never go to bed mad.’ It was the philosophy we lived under. But Nick will wait weeks to talk about what's bothering him. So we've compromised. I've learned that if I wait until we've both cooled down, he's better able to express what's troubling him. I don't like waiting a week, but I've waited twenty-four hours. I've gone to bed mad and found out nothing bad happened.” Postponing is often better.

A wise person once said, “If your spouse makes you angry wait a day. If you're right, then you can have a good laugh; if you're wrong, then you can apologize.”

Remember, in marital conflict, your spouse is your ally, not your enemy. When a couple full of anger, fighting, and blaming comes to me for counseling, one of the first questions I ask them is, “Do you want to be enemies? Or do you want to be lovers?” Then I remind them that enemies handle conflicts differently than lovers do. Lovers are loyal to one another, they struggle to stay together; enemies clash and pull apart. Lovers are willing to give up their own claims to the truth and to walk in each other's shoes.

When conflict and anger persist in your relationship, it's an indication that you're both longing for appreciation and attention. Each of you wants to be cared for and cherished by the other. When you're not getting the understanding that you need, you feel hurt; then you cover the hurt with anger and start duking it out.

Disappointment and hurt are predictable, but the pain doesn't have to become entrenched. Instead of overpowering your partner to avoid the hurt, reach underneath and find out what's troubling you. You can change the pattern of constant bickering and even violence by recognizing that you want the same thing from each other—-respect, kindness, and a little understanding.

Think about when you first came together. Didn't you go out of the way to make each other happy? Your partner is not the problem; the problem is that you've forgotten how much you have to give to each other, how much you really need each other. Hurt couples get very competitive, jealous, and suspicious, and they stop doing the very things that bring them love and comfort.

Here are four homework assignments to help you shift your focus back to what brought you together in the first place.

1. Cooperate with your partner. Instead of fighting and getting angry, be agreeable. Instead starting an argument, stop one.
   
2. Make a conscious effort to give your beloved words of appreciation and encouragement every day. Something as simple as saying, “You can do it!” can turn a day around, can turn someone feeling down and discouraged into someone who is happy and enthusiastic. Praise them for learning to do something new even when they haven't quite got the hang of it yet.
   
3. Choose a day that will be “Treat Your Lover Lovingly Day.” Don't tell your beloved which day it is—just choose it, and then your treat your lover lovingly for the entire day. Let it be a surprise. And make a point to treating your lover differently on that day than you do on the other days.
   
4. Do something for yourself every day! Never skip a day—and be sure to ask your sweetheart what they intend to do for themselves.
   

Master your fear, jealousy, pain, and rage, not your partner.

There are times when pausing, waiting, and taking a time out is necessary. Once you're mad and the adrenaline is flowing, it takes at least twenty minutes for the body to slow down enough for you to think clearly. Distance gives you an opportunity to cool off and find out where you stand.

When you're having a battle that keeps going round in circles, ask, “Is this really what we're mad about? Is this really the issue between us?” Sometimes we get mad at little things when there's something beneath the surface that we haven't addressed. A time out helps you clarify what's going on within yourself and gives your spouse the same opportunity. You can always re-address the issues later. Lauren says, “Time outs are helping me learn to balance being an individual with being a couple. I used to think that everything I felt had something to do with Clark. Now I'm seeing that what I'm feeling might only have to do with me.”

There's a difference between reacting and responding. Some couples are so reactive that I call them “firecracker couples,” because if one of them gets angry they both get angry; they react to each other like a string of firecrackers popping off in many directions—chaotic, noisy, and jumbled. Firecracker couples are quick to jump on every word, expression, tone, and innuendo; this leaves them unable to see their own parts in the string of events. Taking a cooling-off time lets you see how your reaction triggers each other; it lets you get clear about your part. You can't change the other person's reaction, but by taking a break, you can change your own, then you can respond instead of popping off.

Agree in advance to time outs. It's OK to take time away, but reassure each other that you'll be back to talk it over.

Have you've ever been irate, stuffed it, and then suffered with a splitting headache? Have you ever been furious and taken it out on a stranger? Have you ever had a bad day, then snapped at your husband? Have you tried to overlook what was bothering you? For every minute you're angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. Staying mad is a sure way to miss out on pleasures.

While you don't want to waste precious moments grumbling, you can't ignore what's annoying you and expect to be happy. You have to consider the issue directly, solve it quickly, and then move on. You don't have to work everything out between the two of you; you can work some of it through on your own. You may not even have to encounter your partner until you have changed inwardly yourself.

Chronic anger is a signal that you need to look deeper. Ask yourself:

1. What about this situation disturbs me? Is there anything else?
   
2. What's going on in me?
   
3. Before I say or do anything, what can I learn?
   
4. Who is responsible for what?
   
5. What things do I want to change?
   

Anger can be about many things. You don't like what's going on and want to straighten it out. You've doing too much for your family and need time alone, you want more time together, or something your partner said reminded you of something your mother used to say.

Unfortunately, some people never explore what the problem might be. Instead they blow up, let off steam, and feel vindicated by the temporary relief. They forget to take care of what triggered the anger in the first place. When you recognize that you're angry, look inside yourself to see what is troubling you. Then find a solution so you don't have to keep going over the same old territory year after year.

Recognize when you're angry and try this strategy: Say, “I'm think I'm getting angry.” Then pause and say, “I need time to think over what's going on in me before I can talk to you.”

If you've ever had a complaint dropped on you when you're in the middle of a novel, if you've ever had an upset brought to your attention while you're putting the final touches on dinner, if you've ever fallen asleep to your sweetie's complaining, then you know that timing is important. The wrong timing can get you sidetracked from a meaningful conversation.

There's nothing wrong with spontaneously venting our anger as long as we are not abusive and hateful, but sometimes blowing up does nothing to resolve long-standing patterns. Waiting for the right moment is not only good for relationships and individual growth, but is the basis of anger management, managing our impulses to sling insults back and forth.

“Honey, we need to talk,” may get your honey's attention, but if you insist—when your partner is not in the mood—you'll both feel frustrated. Lots of arguments start in passing and gain momentum because you haven't been respectful of what's going on. You're angry, you spout off, and whether you meant to criticize or not, your beloved feels attacked and on the defensive. When you're angry, you want instant relief, but if you don't want your partner to feel battered in the process, you'll wait and choose the best time for the discussion.