Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (14 page)

I think that the Almighty wants our relationships to be easy. Certainly easier then they are when we're waging a free-for-all. Remember, anger gives you information about yourself. On Easy Street, anger isn't used as a club.

Each time you stop yourself from lashing out, when you treat your partner as you would like to be treated, you transcend your human tendencies.

Anger gives us the opportunity to have an intimate dialogue. It isn't only good feelings that lead to closeness, but rather being able to talk about a wide range of human emotions and experiences.

Anger is a surface feeling. It never comes by itself; other feelings— -hurt, fear, jealousy—accompany it. Beneath the surface of anger is hurt, followed by fear and backed up by love. For example, Lisa is angry at her husband, Mark, who locked himself in his home office all day after he'd promised to take her and the kids to the movies. She's angry at him for going back on his word; she's hurt and disappointed by his behavior; she loves him and appreciates how hard he works supporting his family, but she's afraid that his workaholism is becoming a pattern.

Some couples make the mistake of only hashing out the anger without talking about the feelings that accompany it. By leaving out the hurt, fear, and love, they rob themselves of an intimate dialogue. I like to think of intimacy as “In-to-me-see,” which means letting your partner see you at your deepest and most honest core, revealing all that you're experiencing. If you only express the surface anger, you miss the opportunity to deepen the understanding and bond between you.

To have an intimate dialogue and process your anger, try using this five-step blueprint:

1. Acknowledge the anger: “I'm angry that you didn't take us to the movies as you had promised.”
   
2. Acknowledge the hurt: “I'm disappointed because I really enjoy our time together, and I'm hurt; I'm feeling neglected.”
   
3. Acknowledge the fear: “I'm afraid that your work is coming between us and interfering with family time. I worried that you're not taking care of yourself.”
   
4. Acknowledge the love: “I appreciate how hard you work to support our family financially.”
   
5. Acknowledge your part: “I'm sorry that I yelled.”
   

How do you arrive at intimate dialogue? By wanting to. By recognizing that you are capable of it. Even if you've never done it before, you can learn to do it. Expressing anger, hurt, and fear without harming yourself or others is a healing process that leads to greater intimacy and compassion for each other.

When we're angry, we often put on a mask and act as if we don't care.
Intimate dialogue is taking off the “I don't care mask” and letting your mate know that you do care. Because even when you're angry with them, you do care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be angry in the first place.

What is intimate dialogue? Lovers can disagree, argue, and get mad, and the love can still be there. A lovers' quarrel doesn't have to be the end of the world.

When feelings are running high, when you're exhausted and the frustration level is at a roaring boil, instead of hurling insults, offer some gracious phrases to infuse your relationship with respect. Since you don't want to hurt each other, remember that grievances are resolved more easily when you're respectful. When you're respectful, you bring assurance that it's safe to be vulnerable and open your heart. When you're sure that he doesn't love you anymore, when you've asked her a thousand times not to call you names, before you threaten to get a divorce, before you wage a belligerent counterattack, before you sink to the lowest level, try these magical phrases. These expressions implicitly let your mate know that even though you're angry, the respect that you have for each other makes it safe to disagree.

“Honey, I have a complaint/concern/disagreement/upset/annoyance, and I would like to talk with you when you have time to listen.”

“I'm concerned about some things; can we set aside a time that's convenient for both of us so that we can talk things over?”

“I want to give you my undivided attention. Can we schedule a time so that I can listen fully?”

“I appreciate that you're willing to sit with me and listen to my concern. Thank you.”

“I'm not asking you to solve this problem. Right now I'd just like you to listen and give me your attention.”

“Is there anything else you would like me to know?”

“What would you like me to do?”

“I'll think that over and get back to you on. . . .” (Be specific.)

“Would you think about what you'd be willing to do to solve this situation? I'll think about some solutions too.”

“Let's get back together later in the week to continue our discussion.”

“Thank you for bringing this to my attention.”

“Thank you for giving me your attention.”

“Together we can find a solution; we'll figure it out together.”

It's not the end of the world if you get angry and argue; it goes with being together, with being intimate, with loving one another. It's what you do when you're mad that makes the difference. You can get very angry at each other and still appreciate the fact that you both want things to get better, to go smoother. The point is not to stop disagreeing, but to disagree and welcome the opportunity to figure out a brilliant solution.

If you stop talking to your partner because you're mad, you will probably be very lonely. If you negotiate your differences, you will probably have more company.

Wives (and husbands) come to me and ask, “What can I do? My husband (wife) doesn't want to change—he (she) doesn't even want to hear about any of my concerns.” This is a tough situation. I don't know what they can do, and I freely admit it.

But then I say that incredible changes are sometimes possible in one spouse if there is a significant change in the other. If a wife lets go of her ideas of how things ought to be, a husband will pick up on that and eventually respond. When she isn't being pulled hither and thither, when he neither whines nor pleads, when she frees herself from codependency, when he isn't being pressured, something unforeseen can happen. Sometimes, a result that you ardently desired but couldn't achieve emerges seemingly by itself, except it's even better. There is contentment in letting go. When we let go of our fixed ideas, the world changes. When we let go we feel better, more at ease.

Anger tends to pull us away from the person we want to be close to. To avoid this, we sometimes blind ourselves to what's going on. We relate to what we want to see, not to reality. This keeps us even more distant. It's in accepting our feelings, talking our differences over honestly, that we really get close.

This kind of fighting can sometimes enhance love. With self-assertion and good honest fighting, you get closer, you become more loving. You make love more often. And with some practice, fighting ceases to be something terrible. You get to a point where you can laugh about your fighting just as much as you can laugh about your lovemaking. Then it's just something you do that adds a little spice.

Letting go of one's expectations of a partner can lead to remarkable changes in a relationship.

My friend Jay called me up the other day and said, “I'm concerned about something. Can we talk about it?” A couple weeks earlier I'd said the very same thing to him. It's simple. We're annoyed and we say so. Then we sort out our differences, fight for our needs, and set each other straight. He's late and I'm more or less on time, and while I usually don't mind his tardiness, sometimes I feel he's been taking advantage of my good nature. Then I get miffed and set him straight. For my part, I have a tendency to rush in to finish his sentences, assuming that I know what he's about to say. Usually he laughs, but once in a while he gets cranky and sets me straight. We can tell by the intensity and amplification if his tardiness and my talkativeness are the main issues or if they are covering up something deeper.

Have you ever consider that the stumbling block in your relationship might be you? We all need to be set straight once in a while; you're very fortunate if you have a reciprocal agreement to do that for each other. Setting each other straight is the unveiling of our blind spots, not in a “rub your face in it” way, but rather in a mutual, “Let's look at what happened here” investigation. If your partner is angry, it may be for a sound reason. Instead of being defensive, you'll get much further if you can accept feedback from each other. Acknowledging your weaknesses and admitting your mistakes is a sign of strength. Feedback is hard to take, but it's an essential element in creating the best relationship possible.

Anger can show you parts of yourself that you might otherwise miss. By looking at the dynamics between you, honoring both of your needs and tendencies, you have a blessed opportunity to uncover the messages that anger brings.

It's a wonderful thing to been seen and set straight. Often we think it's our partner who is messing up when it is really ourselves. When our partner gets angry and tells us, we're lucky. Some couples never set each other straight; they go their separate ways instead.

It's a blessing to be in a relationship where you can set each other straight without devastating each other. It allows you to discover the truth in a spirit of mutual inquiry.