Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (15 page)

All of us have, at some time, covered up, distorted the truth, ranted, pointed the finger, and tried to present ourselves in the best possible light. We've all heaped anger on the ones we most love. We're all human, we're all guilty of being cruel. We've all dumped the frustrations of the workaday world on other people. And we've all needed to apologize for something.

Anger smothers the flames of desire. Without an apology for hurt that's been caused, passion grows dim, and eventually resentments and heartbreak replace what once was excitement. If you wish to keep passion, desire, and interest alive, consider apologizing. A sincere apology can wash away the damage you've caused. It's a stepping stone back to your loved one's heart. When you apologize even though you think your partner treated you badly, you admit that you contributed to the mess. An apology soothes the bruises, melts away misunderstandings. By taking responsibility for the pain your anger has caused, you take a step toward reconciliation.

When you apologize, your honey feels cared for. In paying attention to the smallest detail, you acknowledge how important your sweetheart is to you. “I'm sorry I yelled, I know that scared you.” Acknowledging your flaws, the nasty little things you do, the mean things you say is what being responsible is all about. You reap the benefits, too. When you apologize for the hurt you've caused, your own anger diminishes. You're happier, your step is lighter because your conscience is clear.

Albert Ellis, in his book Anger: How to Live With and Without It, says, “When you have an angry outburst, don't let yourself get away with it.” If you have a problem with anger, ask your mate to help you deal with it. Make a plan to manage anger so that you don't hurt each other any more. When you make a sincere effort to rid yourself of hostility, you make your relationship sweeter.

Follow your apology by following through and following up. Follow through with your actions. Your actions are the reassurance that it's safe to be around you. Next time you're angry, don't slip back. Do whatever it takes to change your ways.

Follow up by making sure that your partner feels resolved. “Honey, is this issue resolved for you?” How are we doing with this?” Suggest, “Let's check back later to see how we're doing.” Check back and ask, “Honey, are
you OK?”

If you behaved badly in front of others— your children, the neighbors, the in-laws, your friends—the right and appropriate thing to do is to apologize to everyone who felt the fallout. They were affected by your outburst as well and therefore deserve your apology. You might say, “I yelled at your mother and that was hurtful and embarrassing to her. It was wrong of me. I have apologized to her and now I'm apologizing to you.”

When you behave badly, apologize to everyone who was affected by your actions.

Sometimes you can't forgive until you've gotten a little revenge. I don't believe in taking a pound of flesh, but I do advocate doing something for yourself so that you can put the matter to rest. Gracie Allen did just that when she found out that her husband George Burns had had a brief fling. She never confronted him directly, but she bought a very expensive chandelier and hung it in their dining room. She told him the trophy hanging over the dining room table was a reminder to him not to mess around again.

Jill's inability to forgive her husband for an affair that ended many years ago was creating a wide gulf. Jill's daily forgiveness rituals weren't working, and she was turning spiteful. “How can you get even?” I asked. A light bulb went off and Jill answered, “I don't want to go on the cruise with Charley. I want my girlfriend to go in his place. I want to spend his share of the money.” Charley agreed to the plan and stayed home; Jill took her friend on the cruise. When she returned Jill felt vindicated. She and Charley kissed and truly made up.

It's very difficult to enjoy life if you're holding onto a grudge. Sometimes we have experienced so much hurt that we are unforgiving without being aware of it. Being unforgiving makes you're distrustful. The process of preserving an open wound—which is what not forgiving is— keeps you separate and very lonely. Keeping anger going after the issue as been resolved—muttering, complaining, grumbling—only reinforces your angry outlook.

You can build a case against anyone—even someone you left long ago. Unless you can forgive you will always be living in the past. And in your mind you will rehash the old hurts, disappointments, humiliations, and wrongs that were done to you. Soon you will be living in misery. The past cannot be changed, but it can indeed poison this most precious moment.

Paige and Lyle went through a bitter divorce seven years ago. Paige is remarried, and even though her new husband Matthew has never raised his voice or been dishonest with her, she doesn't trust him and keeps her guard up. She repeats horror stories about how awful Lyle was. Lyle has taken responsibility for his actions and completed two years of anger management classes. Lyle has moved on while Paige is holding on. By reliving the past over and over she thinks she's preventing it from occurring
again, but she's only keeping it going.

True forgiveness allows you to accept your past and move on. It means laying to rest your animosities toward the people who have harmed you. You no longer try to change them, you no longer judge them, you simply, honestly, with no malice, accept their human shortcomings. You no longer blame them, you don't point your finger, you don't make them wrong. You forgive them, not so much to make life better for them, but so that you can move on. Your forgiveness takes the spotlight off the wrongs they've done and puts it on the action you need to take for yourself.

Forgiveness leads us to the redemption of our spirit. Even if the other person doesn't change their ways, forgiveness helps us grow, heal, laugh, understand ourselves better.

To forgive someone who's hurt you, you have to see something other than the betrayal. You have to be able to see the growth in the other person.

The thrill of making up is not only that you kiss and make love—the real thrill is when you see the absurdity of it all and can laugh about it. When you can disagree and not strike out, that's the lasting thrill, the joy of being a couple.

She looks at him, he looks at her, and suddenly everything is all right again. That's a poignant moment. And there is no way they could have had it without the argument. That's why a lot of people fight—because there is nothing like the thrill of making up. If you've never done anything bad, how can you ever experience the sweetness of being forgiven? So fight all you want and enjoy it. Conflicts are inevitable in marriage. The challenge is not to avoid arguing, but rather to know what you can do to end the argument and be closer. If your intention is to win or to hurt each other or to be right, you will never have the thrill that comes with making up. But if your intention is to appreciate the differences between the two of you, then you can reconcile without resentment.

Can we somehow put an end to quarreling and fighting with the people who are dear to us? I think pure love is the solution. Love without conditions and expectations. Not perfect love or divine love. Just appreciating one's partner without conditions or qualifications, seeing something wonderful in the other and approving of it—enjoying the other without trying to change them. Don't you love your puppy without conditions? Don't you love your baby exactly as he is? Can't you love a kitten without expectations? And if you can do that, why couldn't you love your husband or wife without conditions?

Without conditions doesn't mean without demands. Sometimes we do need to make demands. That's very normal, natural, and healthy. And we can withhold rewards too—sometimes that's necessary to get what we want. We can withhold the amount of time we spend with them or how much attention we give them. But we will withhold the degree of our participation, our energy, and our attention, not our love. We may get angry about something they did, but we will not close our hearts to them. We will find ways to honor them even when we are angry. We can clash with them on many issues, just as long as our love for them is not an issue.

Recognize that you are love at your core and that your anger is a residue of wounds that may go back far in time. They were the sore spots
that your partner touched off almost accidentally. He probably didn't intend to hurt you. And even if he did, he must have had something in his past that hurt him or her so badly that he needed to hurt others. Once you see all that, you can opt for a beautiful reconciliation to take place.

You probably know what pushes your partner's buttons, what riles him up, but do you know what makes him happy? Do you know how to end the argument so that she feels content? When was the last time you went out of your way to make your partner happy or to do it his way? Practice doing the things that make your partner happy, and if you've forgotten what they might be, ask her, “How can we end this argument so that there are good feelings between us?”

Three steps toward reconciliation:

1. Be willing to be wrong. Not everything is worth being right about.
   
2. An apology can mean everything, so be sure to apologize when you've gone over the line. Be specific about what you are apologizing for.
   
3. Find the humor in your quarrels and be willing to laugh about your quirks.
   

Examine the seeds of anger in yourself and you will understand that the person who has harmed you is suffering himself.

In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a person humanized or dehumanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as theyought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

—GOETHE

Healthy family life allows for the civilized expression of anger. Children need the freedom to express anger and the safety of knowing that you as parent will not allow their behavior to get out of control. They need good guidance from a wise and centered parent.

Children get angry too. There's frequently a discrepancy between how we think our children ought to behave and how they actually do behave. We have ideals on the one hand and reality on the other. We think our children should conduct themselves in a respectful, polite manner, and they usually do, but they also get angry, scream, and throw temper tantrums occasionally too. Andy walked into the preschool to pick up four-year-old Luke and found him swearing and kicking the wall. The teachers were aghast; Andy was embarrassed. “How could you behave like that?” he asked, and then without waiting for an answer he grabbed Luke tightly by the arm and shoved him into the car.

When our children are mad and out of sorts, it's a challenge not to get angry ourselves. Anger is a call for help. When children are angry, they need you to set limits for their behavior while understanding the feelings that are
causing the uproar. They need your help putting words to what they're feeling.

Children throw temper tantrums, sulk, pout, talk back, use dirty words, cry, fuss, hit, bite, are uncooperative, and act out. They have difficult moments and can be aggressive. When your kids are mad and behaving in ways you don't understand, you'll need all the parenting wisdom you can muster. Instead of yelling, “Stop it!” say, “Since we're both getting angry, let's count to ten.” Then set the example by counting out loud. When your child is argumentative and shouting, you can firmly say, “We're mad now, so let's zip our lips and talk about it later.”