Ghost Time (28 page)

Mel didn’t know what to say, because it was one of those situations she doesn’t understand. And I could tell she felt like she
should really say something, but it was one of those moments when you realize no matter how much teen drama you watch on TV, that doesn’t help at all when it’s happening to you, when the problem is real and even your best friend doesn’t have a clue how to help. Finally, she spoke up:
So what you’re saying is you weren’t always a loser? Is that what you’re telling me, Thee?
No, I said, trying to laugh off her teasing. Believe it or not, I was popular once. For a long time, but… I said, shrugging: that was then, and this is now.

After that party, it was such a mess at school, I quit sitting with my friends, quit going to the cafeteria at lunch. I’d find a corner in the library and draw, I said, and Mel goes,
So they’re still in school with you? These girls?
And I go, Yep, I see them every day. We still say hi, whatever, I said, but rolling my eyes, because it was so fake.
Did they ever apologize?
she said.
For lying about the boys?
No. Never, I said. Actually, they got really hostile with me for a while after they lied. Like they were trying to convince themselves it was my fault, that I was the one who lied about the guys who spiked my drink, saying that I showed up at the party screwed up. I mean, they’d practically hiss, seeing me in the hall. My so-called friends, I said.

The next morning, Saturday morning, after that party, I woke up, and I felt
awful
. Not just hungover, different. I thought I had a flu, maybe, and I told my mom I had the flu again, and she looked at me, and she didn’t believe me, but she couldn’t be certain. So she told me to stay in bed, but she wasn’t really as sweet as she is when she knows I’m sick-sick, you know? But I was definitely
sick, and I stayed in bed all day. So I didn’t notice, really, until Sunday that no one called me all day. Not a text, nothing. And then, by Sunday night, no one answered my calls, either.

Monday, heading to Stella’s locker, when they turned to look at me—all three of them, Leila, Stella, Danielle—I knew it was over. I was out, but the thing is, I couldn’t remember anything about Friday night, after we got to the party. I remember drinking a beer, and that’s it. The rest is a blur. And whatever I did, I just wanted someone to tell me, you know? Like no matter how awful, no matter how totally mortifying it was, I wanted to hear it, because it was actually worse not knowing. So when they three of them turned their heads, looking at me, and I said, Hey, I saw it pass through them. This current of… hatred.

It’s one thing I’d never ever wish on you, knowing how that feels, I said. If I’m grateful for anything, it’s that you could never be hurt like that. She goes,
That’s not a silver lining. And if I could walk, I wouldn’t care
, she said. Yes, you would, I said. You’d just be able to walk. It’s humiliating, Mel: that’s the part I wouldn’t want you to feel, I said.
Because I wouldn’t know about that, would I?
she said. I said, That’s not what I mean, Mel, and she goes,
No, but it’s true, and you know what I’m saying.
I go, I know what you’re saying, all right. And I’m not trying to compare, I’m just trying to tell you that I wouldn’t want anyone to be mean to you, I said. Melody didn’t say anything, and I knew I was digging a deeper hole.

So what happened after that?
she said, wanting to hear the end of the story. I go, Nobody talked to me most of the week. And then, one by one, people started looking at me strange in
the halls, laughing at me, or more like snickering. I remember walking around, thinking,
This is bad. This is really, really bad.
You know how I finally found out what happened at the party? Raymond, I said. He was friends or worked with one of their dads, with Stella’s dad, and her dad heard all about it, when everyone got busted for the party.

Melody goes,
Wait, how did they get busted?
I said, Oh. The pictures. Someone took pictures, and then there was like a thirty-second video of me, too, and it made the rounds, all over school, all over the Internet. I was such a mess, too, dancing, screaming, taking my clothes off. I’m telling you, all I can remember is talking to Leila, and then Spencer walking over, bringing us our drinks, that was it. But no one believed me. I’m not even sure my mom believed me, I said, and Mel goes,
Your mom saw the video, the pictures?
I go, She had to. All the parents were called in. All the kids, all the parents, we were all called in with Principal Cheswick, I said.

You have no idea how hard it is to go to school, knowing everybody has seen you in your bra, pulling your pants down, showing your ass, ohmygod… I could barely look anyone in the eye for the rest of the third quarter of school, not even my teachers. Then my grades dropped, and things started going haywire again, and that’s when I shut down, I said, and I almost told her about the hospital. I almost told her that that’s when I really lost it, cutting myself, and my mom found me, the whole story. But I didn’t. Maybe it’s dishonest or cowardly, I don’t know, but there is a part of me, a real part that just wants to protect her. Except, I’m not even sure what that means anymore.

I go, When I met Cam, I think I was so cold to him for so long because I knew he would see those pictures, one day, that someone would show them to him, and if he did actually like me, he wouldn’t after he saw that. How could he like me after he saw me acting like that, you know? And she goes,
But he did—Cam did like you.
And when she said that, I got another knot in my throat, and all I could do was nod yes. He did, but… I couldn’t finish my sentence.
But what?
she said, and I go, But it was really hard, trusting him, and I could see she didn’t understand. I go, It’s hard to trust somebody, because it’s easier not having something than to have something and have it taken away, you know?
Thea
, she said, and she sounded so serious, I felt better for a second, because I thought she was going to tell me something secret about herself. And she did, but not what I was expecting at all. I go, What? Tell me what you want to know, I said, and then she said,
What’s it feel like?
I knew, right away, but I didn’t say anything, so she said it, point-blank. She looks at me and straight out she goes,
Tell me what sex feels like.

I didn’t know what to say, because it’s hard for me to talk about it with Melody, about Cam and sex and intimacy, what it’s like, how it feels. Because she really wants to know, and it’s so honest and brave the way she asks and says what she really means—it’s hard to say those things, I know. I totally understand, because everyone wants to know what it’s like for other people, because no one really knows. I mean, you can read all about it, see as many movies as you want, and you’re still there, in your body, all alone. Well, more or less, but you know what I mean.

The thing is, I wanted to tell her. I wanted to try and answer all Mel’s questions, but then I would look at her and think about the fact that she won’t have that experience; she’ll never know how it feels. So I told her the truth. I said, Honestly? Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s awkward. It’s really awkward and kind of stupid, I said, and all you do is pretend you know what you’re doing, because you don’t have a clue, so the whole time, you’re thinking,
Am I doing this right?
And,
Will you still like me if I’m not very good at this?

(THIRTEEN WEEKS EARLIER)

9:34 PM

One night, we were watching TV, eating in the living room, my mom and I. And my mom’s really into this new drama
Starting Over
, about a single mother, who has just gotten divorced, and she has this teenage son—sound familiar? Anyhow, it’s the two of them, the mother and son, and they’ve made this big move across country, and they’re starting over. Also, the mother’s just gone back to medical school; she’s in her first year, I think, and her son’s in high school, so it’s all about them going through the same struggles, or parallels between their lives, whatever. I’d never seen it, but Mom turned it on while we were sitting on the couch together, eating the pizza she picked up.

There’s this scene where the woman’s at school, working late on a lab or something, then there’s this whole thing where one of the other students, who’s obviously like ten years younger than
the mom is, has the hots for her—so predictable. I shouldn’t have rolled my eyes, I know, because my mom likes it, but it’s dumb, and I couldn’t help it. I know my mom deserves a few simple pleasures, and I have no right to be critical of my own mother, but it’s stupid. I mean, why, when we could watch a good movie, did we have to watch this crap?

Anyhow, the woman’s son has a girl over to study the night his mom’s working late, and I mean, come on, who ever has anyone over to study in their bedroom? Anyhow, the girl—they’re both supposed to be my age—and the girl, who’s blonde and looks like she’s about twenty-five, even though you know for a fact, in real life, a girl that hot would not be dating scrawny high school boys, but whatever. They’re in his room—I remember, his name’s Cody, the son’s name is Cody. They’re sitting in Cody’s room, the two of them, with their books open, and the girl’s sitting on the floor, and Cody’s sitting on his bed, and then you see the girl look up from her book at Cody, who’s got his nose in the book, studying. Like, he’s all, Gotta keep that GPA up, get into the right school, who has time for sex? Please. So I’m trying not to roll my eyes, I really am, but it’s so lame.

Then the girl, she looks up at Cody like she’s ready to pounce. I mean, she looks at him like, here comes sex kitten, ready or not. So she closes her book, ready to make a move, and she crawls over to the bed on all fours, gets up close to him, right in his face and then, trying to sound all sultry, the girl says, Tell me what you want me to do to you. Honestly, when she said that, I totally burst out laughing. And it wasn’t nerves, because I felt uncomfortable, watching some teen sex scene with my mom
there; I laughed because it was so stupid, that’s why. I was just like,
Ohmygod, I wish Cam were here….

You know what’s true? For me, at least. The truth is, the first time with Cam, the whole time, all I could think was,
Am I doing this right? Do you like this? What should I do?
My head, all four limbs, two hands, my whole body felt like two left feet. And if I was sweaty, it was because I was so nervous! I mean, show me
that
—show me the real girl. You have writers, you have actors, you have camera crews, so why is it so hard to tell the truth?

I don’t know. Hopefully, you get better with age. But still, deep down, don’t you always carry that fifteen-year-old boy and girl around, and don’t they come out when you really like a person, if you truly want to please them? I mean, wouldn’t it be sad to lose that first time, altogether?

(SIX WEEKS LATER)

6:15 PM

Every time I think about it, it blows me away how much Mel’s never seen or heard before. I mean, can you imagine never having heard the Smiths? Seriously, Mel told me, in their house, music begins and ends with the Indigo Girls, and I was just like,
Are you kidding me?
I hate to say it, but I don’t think cerebral palsy’s her only disability; I think it’s that she’s been deprived of so much art and film and music her whole life.

I mean, driving home, Knox reached to turn up the radio, and Mel goes,
Please don’t
, and I laughed, and I told him what she said, Please don’t, and he lowered his hand, looking in the rearview, and he goes, Thea, can you—I need you to give me a sign when she’s speaking. It’s driving me nuts, and I go, It’s driving
you
nuts? Knox goes, Could you just, I don’t know, raise your hand when Melody’s speaking? I go, What, like,
How, white man?
He goes, I don’t care if you want to stand on one leg and rub your
stomach, just do something so I know who’s talking, okay? I go, Okay, okay, and I thought about it. How about one hand? I raise one hand, I said, raising my right, and that means I’m talking for Mel. And he goes, Great. Perfect, and I was like, Cool.

I sighed, and then I turned to the backseat, and I go, Glad we got that settled, speaking to Melody, and Knox goes, Can I ask you something? And I said, Sure, shoot. And he goes, Does she hear what you’re thinking? looking at her in the rearview mirror. Mel started laughing, and I had to laugh, too, and I go, No, it doesn’t work that way. I mean, she might know what I’m thinking, because we’re friends, but I need to tell her in words, I said, and he shook his head, staring ahead. What is it? I said, because I could see he wanted to ask something else, and he goes, Nothing. It’s just I’ve never heard anyone say that, and I go, Say what? Knox said, I’ve never heard anyone call her their friend. I’m glad—I’m glad you’re friends, he said, speaking to Melody in the rearview, and she goes,
Okay, okay, let’s not get carried away
, and I laughed.

Knox got this look on his face, and he had to look away for a second, then he goes, Thea, when you hear Melody’s voice? He looked in the rearview, at her, so she’d know he was asking us both. Yes? I said, waiting, and he goes, No, just—what’s it like, her voice? What’s her voice sound like? She sings beautifully, I said, turning to the back, telling her, because she was being so quiet. Knox goes, She sings? I go, Oh, all the time, and he goes, What, like songs or does she hum? I go, Yes, songs. She loves music, you know—not your music, but good music. He goes, Hey, hey, and I go, I don’t just hear her, I see her, too, Knox. I didn’t explain it this way, but it’s like bifocals—I see one girl sometimes, one girl other
times, and once in a while, I see both girls at the same time. I go, I see the girl she really is—and I’m not just saying this, okay—but Mel’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and Knox looked in the rearview at her, and he goes, Me, too. Most beautiful girl in the whole world, if you ask me, and Mel goes,
Dad, please. That’s so gay!
I started laughing, and he goes, What did she say? I shook my head, like, Don’t ask, even though he already did.