Give Me a Reason (14 page)

“I’m not—”

Pushing the door open, Laura glared at the woman on the bed
still dressed in red pajamas. “Don’t start with me, Miss Vaughn. I didn’t spend
my afternoon making you your favorite dinner just to have you tell me you’re
not hungry. Now get out of that bed, put on some clothes, comb your hair and
meet me in the kitchen.”

Before Toni could utter a syllable, Laura closed the door on
the conversation leaving Toni to contemplate the consequences if she didn’t
follow the orders she had just been given. Remembering Laura’s temper when her
arm was injured, Toni climbed out of bed and began to get dressed.

After putting on jeans and a T-shirt, along with what was
rapidly becoming her favorite pair of socks, Toni opened the door and found
herself surrounded by the smell of something delicious. Quietly walking to the
kitchen, she saw the table set with plates and glasses, and a bottle of Chianti
at the ready.

“You’re late.”

Laura meant it as a joke. Something to lighten the mood and
calm Toni’s worries, but her playful reprimand had done just the opposite. Toni
immediately stuffed her hands in her pockets and stared at the floor.

“Toni, I’m sorry. I was just kidding. You’re not late and
even if you were, it’s okay. That’s what they make microwaves for.”

Raising her eyes, Toni noticed a foil-covered casserole on
the counter. “What’s that?”

“Lasagna. I was told it’s your favorite,” Laura said,
removing the foil.

“You talked to Krista?”

“Yeah, I called her this morning.”

“Why?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Laura said, carrying the food to the
table. “Maybe because she’s your friend, and she’s worried about you. I wanted
to let her know that you were doing okay.”

“And she just happened to mention that I liked lasagna?”

“No, I asked her what your favorite food was.”

“Why?”

It would have been easy to make up a story, but lying to Toni
would never, ever be an option and Laura knew that. “Because I wanted to fix
you something that you wouldn’t be able to say no to. That’s why.”

“Why are you doing this?” Toni asked, but remembering Laura’s
patented response, she held up her hands. “I know. I know. Give me a reason why
you shouldn’t.”

Positively beaming, Laura motioned for Toni to sit. “It’s
nice to see that you’ve been paying attention.”

***

An hour later, Laura covered the barely eaten casserole,
picked up her glass of wine and went to the lounge where she found Toni sitting
in the corner of the sofa, staring off into space. “I guess you didn’t like
it.”

Slowly, Toni looked in Laura’s direction. “No, it was good.”

“You hardly ate anything.”

“I’m fine.”

Abby had cautioned her not to push Toni too hard, but Laura’s
heart told her she needed to push. So, remembering that anger was definitely an
emotion, she said, “You certainly like playing the martyr, don’t you, Toni.”

Toni’s head snapped up, and jumping off the sofa, she glared
at Laura. “What the fuck gives you the right to say that? You have no idea what
I’ve been through! You’ve got no
fucking
clue!”

Storming to her room, Toni slammed the door and began
gathering clothes, emptying drawers and hangers like a dervish out of control.
Tossing everything on the bed, she didn’t stop until the door opened and Laura
came in. “Talk to me, Toni.”

“
No
!”

“Toni, please—”

“No!”

Seeing the pile of clothes on the bed, Laura asked, “What are
you doing?”

“I’m leaving!”

“You can’t.”

“Why the fuck not?”

With her face filled with sadness, Laura looked at Toni and
waited until reality struck home.

It only took a second, but then Toni she remembered she had
no other place to go. “Fuck!” she said, collapsing on the edge of the bed. “
Fuck
!”

“Toni, please talk to me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because it hurts!” Toni shouted, glaring in Laura’s
direction.

Laura’s heart broke when she saw the anguish in Toni’s eyes.
Quietly, she said, “It can’t possibly hurt more than holding it in.”

“Leave it be, Laura. Please, just leave it be.”

There it was. Laura couldn’t believe it when she heard it,
but there was the slightest inflection of wavering in Toni’s voice. A hint of
maybe, a sliver of yes, an octave change telling Laura what she needed to
know...Toni was no longer sure she
could
hold
it in.

Hesitating for only a moment, Laura whispered, “Tell me why
you ration your food?”

Toni’s lungs emptied in a rush. Bowing her head, she said in
a breath, “Please...please don’t do this.”

In that instant, something changed between them. Laura was a
hair’s breadth away from getting Toni to talk, and they both knew it...and they
were both scared.

Unsure of what to do or what to say, Laura didn’t move. Twice
she opened her mouth to speak, but the words weren’t there until Toni raised
her eyes. Darkened with despair and glassy with tears, they told Laura what she
needed to know. Going over, she sat on the bed and without hesitation, placed
her hand over Toni’s. “Talk to me, Toni. Make me understand.”

“Oh, God…please. Please, I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can, Toni. Yes, you can.”

Toni swallowed hard. Her mind was a hurricane of thoughts, of
reasons why and of reasons why not, and the barrage was dizzying. She took a
deep breath and then another, trying to decide. Could she do this? Did she
dare? Was it worth it? Would it help? Glancing at Laura for a moment, Toni
lowered her eyes, and in a voice soft and calm, she did what Laura asked.

“It was one of their mind-fuck games. It was one of their
many
mind-fuck games. There were a few like me, put
there because they had pissed off the wrong guard, but we weren’t insane and
the screws knew it. They had ways of getting to all of us, trying to break us,
to make us like those poor women in the padded cells…the ones that screamed all
night long. The guards would watch us, wait for us to make the tiniest mistake,
and then they’d send us down the block.” Looking up, Toni asked, “Can I smoke
in here?”

Without giving it a second thought, Laura said, “Sure. Hold
on.” While Toni quickly lit a cigarette and hungrily pulled the smoke into her
lungs, Laura got up and opened a window. Retrieving an ashtray from the kitchen,
Laura rushed back into the bedroom, handing it to Toni as she sat down.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Taking another drag, as the smoke slowly exited her nose,
Toni said, “You’re supposed to get three meals a day on the block, at least
that’s what it said in the rule book, but they made up their own rules in
Thornbridge.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes I’d only get two, and sometimes only one. There
was no pattern, so there was no way of knowing when I’d get my next meal, or
if
I’d get my next meal. There were days when I’d
get breakfast and dinner, but they’d skip lunch, and other times I’d get lunch
and dinner, but no breakfast…and then they started skipping entire days.”

“Jesus Christ,” Laura said under her breath.

“At first, it was only a day, but then one morning I woke up
to find a pitcher of water in my cell, and I didn’t see anyone for two days. It
didn’t take me long to realize I had to ration what they gave me, so I’d
separate the food into small piles. Things that would spoil quicker, I’d eat first,
but stuff like bread and vegetables, they’d last longer. Sometimes I was wrong
and I’d get sick, but after a while, I got pretty good at it.”

Toni stubbed out her cigarette and looked Laura straight in
the eye. “You don’t know how it feels to think you’re going to die. To count
the hours, knowing that as each one passed, you’re getting closer and closer to
death...and there’s nothing you can do about it. I was in a place where no one
could hear my screams. Surrounded by stone walls, damp with mold, and toilets
that didn’t work, and silence that was so fucking deafening, so deadly...and
each day I’d make my peace with God, expecting it to be my last, but it never
was.”

She had spoken as if she had been reading from a book,
refusing to allow emotions long since buried to appear, but when Toni saw the
tears in Laura’s eyes, her resolve was destroyed. Choking back her tears, Toni
said, “I’m afraid that if my belly gets filled, someone will take away the food
again.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Laura said, her eyes overflowing with tears.
“Oh, my God, Toni. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“I know what happened was a mistake. I know that I’m free and
cleared of everything, but I keep thinking that someone’s going to change their
mind, and I’m going to be sent back to that place...and I have to be ready.”

“Toni, they closed Thornbridge. I thought you knew that.”

“I know it’s closed, but it still exists up here,” Toni said,
tapping her head. “Every day and every night and every meal…it’s
still
there.”

“So, are you saying that what you ate tonight is enough for
you? I mean, that you’re not still hungry?”

“I’m always hungry, Laura,” Toni said, wiping the tears from
her face. “But it’s enough to keep me alive.”

Taking a shuddering breath, Laura squeezed Toni’s hand. “Come
on. Let’s go get you something more to eat.”

“I know you mean well, but it’s not that easy. It’s like my
stomach’s full, and I can’t...I can’t take another bite. I just can’t.”

“Well, then how about you keep me company? I’m still a bit
hungry, and I hate to eat alone.”

“I won’t be having any more.”

“Okay, but you can have another glass of wine, can’t you?”

“I know what you’re doing,” Toni said, getting to her feet.
“Like I said, it’s not that easy.”

Smiling, Laura stood up and walked to the door. “But there’s
no reason why we can’t try, is there? Besides, we have a bottle of Chianti to
finish.”

Chapter Thirteen

If it had been up to Toni, she would have remained locked in
her room thinking about a life she didn’t have, but that wasn’t to be. Craving
coffee, she quietly opened her door Sunday morning, intending to sneak to the
kitchen without waking Laura, only to find the homeowner busy cleaning the
lounge.

Looking up from the stack of magazines she was straightening,
Laura’s face lit up. “Good morning. Did you sleep okay?”

As normal as it was, Laura’s greeting caught Toni by
surprise. Staring blankly back at the woman, she scratched her head. “Sorry,
I’m not used to waking up with someone.”

Laura’s smile widened at the look of befuddlement on Toni’s
face. “If the truth be known, neither am I. There’s coffee in the kitchen, if
you’re interested.”

Giving Laura a quick nod, Toni went to get some coffee, and
after pouring a cup, she noticed the dishes still stacked in the strainer.
There were two plates, two glasses and an empty glass casserole.

When they had returned to the kitchen the night before, Toni
wasn’t surprised when Laura put more food on both of their plates. Frowning at
the gesture, Toni sat down and immediately pushed the plate away. She was only
there to keep Laura company and have a bit more wine, but the Chianti flowed
easy, and the aroma of her favorite food was too hard to resist. It took two
hours and almost two bottles of wine, but when Toni stood on wobbly knees to
return to her bedroom, the casserole was empty, and for the first time in
years, her belly was full.

Laura grinned as she followed Toni to her bedroom, making
sure the tipsy woman didn’t trip or run into any furniture, and when they got
to the door, Laura said, “Thank you. You did good.”

“It’s just one meal, Laura. It doesn’t change anything.”

“It’s a start, isn’t it?”

“Are you always this optimistic?”

“Give me a reason why I shouldn’t be.”

***

Putting the last dish in the cupboard, Toni refilled her mug
and then walked quietly to the doorway, watching in silence as Laura rearranged
knick-knacks and photos in the lounge.

Toni didn’t know if it was because she hadn’t woken up hungry
or the fact that the sheets on her bed were soft and smelled of roses. She
didn’t know if it was because the house was warm and lived-in, or maybe she
just enjoyed starting out her day seeing Laura, but standing there in socked
feet and wearing her favorite red pajamas, Toni felt more normal than she had
in forever…
and
she felt safe.

Getting to the mantle, Laura struggled to remove the items
above her head, and when she turned to get a chair, she ran right into Toni.
“Shit. Sorry. I didn’t know you were there.”

Taking the dust cloth from Laura’s hand, Toni said, “Why
don’t I get the high spots?”

Smiling up at the woman who was at least six inches taller
than herself, Laura placed her hands on her hips. “Is that a short joke?”

Laura’s mood was infectious and Toni’s face brightened. “Me?
Make a short joke? I know which side my bread’s buttered on.”

“Whatcha mean?”

“You’ve offered me a place to stay for two weeks, haven’t
you?” Toni said, handing Laura some photographs from the mantle.

“Yeah. So?”

“I’d hate to have my arse booted out on the second day just
because I made a short joke.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Laura said, checking out the woman
dressed in red flannel. “I think I’m going to like having your arse...um...
you
around.”

Placing the photos on the coffee table, Laura disappeared
into the kitchen to refill her coffee. Standing at the counter, she felt her
cheeks flame. Why did she just flirt with Toni?

***

By the middle of the next week, a routine had been born.
Fixing coffee and toast, Toni would wait in the kitchen for the arrival of a
very sleepy woman. With puffy eyes and auburn hair uncombed and wild, Laura
would shuffle into the kitchen yawning like there was no tomorrow, and after
handing her a cup of coffee, Toni would bid her farewell. At Calloway, they’d
see each other occasionally, and then at night they’d eat their dinner and go
their separate ways. Toni’s comfort level had expanded to include Laura’s home,
but at night when Laura put her work aside and flipped on the television, Toni
would disappear into her room, content to spend her night reading alone. It was
a comfortable co-existence for a woman who hadn’t felt comfortable anywhere or
with anyone in a very long time.

Late on Friday afternoon, Toni stood in her classroom until
she was sure the hallways were clear. Making her way down the back stairs, she
walked outside only to turn around and walk back in. Forgetting that she had
carpooled with Laura that morning because her Jeep had a flat tire, Toni
acknowledged Irene with a weak grin as she went over and knocked on Laura’s
door.

“Come in.”

“Hey,” Toni said, sticking her head in the door. “Is it all
right if I stay in here until you’re ready to go?”

“Yeah, just give me a minute,” Laura said, gathering her
things.

Tilting her head to the side, Toni watched as Laura began
filling her briefcase. “Laura, what are you doing? It’s only four.”

“I’m leaving early.”

“You okay?” Toni said, stepping into the room. “You look
pale.”

“I’m not feeling very good,” Laura whispered, coming around
the desk. Dropping her keys in Toni’s hand, she asked, “Do you mind driving?”

“No, of course not,” Toni said, taking the attaché from her
hand. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

A short time later, Toni pulled into the driveway. Laura
mindlessly climbed out of the car, and appearing as if the weight of the world
was on her shoulders, she trudged up the path and into the house.

After grabbing the briefcases and Laura’s laptop, Toni
followed, but stopped briefly at her Jeep to kick the tire the breakdown crew
had fixed earlier that day. Happy to hear the solid thump when her foot hit the
rubber, she continued on her way, almost bumping into Laura as she was coming
back out the door.

“I’ve got your stuff,” Toni said, holding up the cases.

“No, I need to go to the store. I forgot I was supposed to
get groceries tonight.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Toni said, blocking Laura’s path. “You’re
not feeling well, and I’m sure we can find something to eat. If not, we can
just order take-away.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. Now, go get comfortable and I’ll make you some
tea.”

Toni waited until Laura disappeared up the stairs before
going to put the kettle on. While the water heated, she looked in the
refrigerator for something to eat only to find barren glass shelves staring
back at her. “Looks like it’s take-away,” she mumbled as she went over and
opened the junk drawer.

Overflowing with gadgets, pens, paper bags and everything in
between, she tugged at the wad of folded menus that had somehow found their way
to the back. Managing to break them free, Toni scanned the pages and sighed.
The faded pictures of entrées didn’t look at all appetizing, and the fact that
she’d have to open the door to a stranger made her heart race. Tossing the
menus on the counter, she went about making the tea, and a few minutes later,
she carefully carried a steaming cup of Darjeeling to Laura’s room and rapped
lightly on the door.

“Come on in, Toni.”

The small bedside lamp provided only a minimal amount of
light, so after slowly stepping over Laura’s discarded clothing covering the
floor, Toni placed the cup on the nightstand. Seeing no sign of the woman
except for the lump under the covers and a splash of auburn hair on the pillow,
Toni said, “Um...I brought you some tea if you’re up for it.”

“Thanks,” Laura said, pushing down the duvet to reveal her
flushed face. Seeing Toni’s brooding expression, she asked, “You okay?”

For a moment, Toni didn’t say a word, and then hesitantly she
reached over and placed her hand on Laura’s forehead. A few seconds later, she
pulled it away. “I’m fine. You’re the one with a fever. Did you take anything?”

“Yeah, a few minutes ago. Did you find the menus?”

“Yes, but I wasn’t sure what you felt like eating.”

“Soup would be nice.”

“Soup?”

“Yeah.”

“What kind?”

“Chicken, of course,” Laura said through a weak grin.

“I don’t know if there’s a place that has that on the menu.”

“No worries, Toni,” Laura whispered, rolling to her side as
she pulled the duvet over her. “I’ll be fine.”

***

“Can I help you, dear?”

Toni spun around and lowered her eyes. A woman barely five
feet in height, her face wrinkled and her gray hair pulled tightly in a bun was
standing only a few feet away wearing a large gap-toothed smile as she gazed
back at Toni.

“Were...were you talking to me?” Toni asked.

“Yes, dear. You look a bit lost.”

“Oh, um...I’ve never been here before.”

“Well then, welcome to Lenders Corner Market. We’re not as
big as all the rest, but we do try our best,” she chirped. “I’m Gertrude, and
I’m the official greeter.”

“Official greeter?”

Taking a step closer, Gertrude lowered her voice. “Actually,
my grandson owns the store. I just come in every now and then to keep myself
busy. He hates it, but I’m old, and he can’t say no.”

Her words went unheard as Toni looked around the store, her
eyes darting from one aisle to the next, all of which were filled with
customers. A few came closer than Toni would have liked, and she flinched when
one brushed against her.

“Pardon me for saying this, dear, but you do seem a bit
jumpy. Is there anything wrong?” Gertrude asked.

“It’s just a bit crowded in here. That’s all. I think maybe I
should come back later,” Toni said as she turned and headed toward the exit.

“Oh, please don’t go,” Gertrude said, shuffling to keep up.
“I’ll help you if you’d like. I know where everything is, and you’ll be in and
out in no time.”

Turning, Toni asked, “Why would you want to do that?”

“Can you think of a reason why I shouldn’t?”

Toni jerked back her head as she stared at the woman. “What
did you say?”

“Oh my, it wasn’t my intention to get you angry, dear. I’m
sorry.”

“No. No, I’m not angry. It’s just that I have a friend who
says that all the time.”

“And do you ever give her an answer?”

“No, not normally,” Toni said with a snort.

“Well then, it appears that we have some shopping to do,”
Gertrude said, clapping her hands together. “Now, do you have a list?”

Pulling a take-away menu from her pocket, Toni pointed to the
margins where she had scratched some notes. Scanning the items, Gertrude said,
“Looks to me like you’re making chicken soup.”

“I have a friend who’s not feeling well.”

“Have you ever made it before?”

“No, I copied that from a cookbook.”

Crumpling up the menu, Gertrude stuffed it in her pocket.
Standing as straight as her frail frame would allow, she said, “I have a much
better recipe than this. Follow me. I’ll explain as we shop, and don’t dawdle.
I believe you have a sick friend you need to take care of.”

***

Padding into the kitchen Sunday afternoon, Laura opened the
refrigerator. “Is there any soup left?”

“No, you finished it off last night,” Toni said, looking up
from the morning paper.

“Oh,” Laura said, sitting down. “Thanks for making it and for
going shopping. That couldn’t have been too easy.”

“It wasn’t, but I managed.”

Concerned with Toni’s monotone delivery, Laura reached over
and touched her arm. “I mean it. Thanks for taking care of me and making the
soup. It was delicious.”

“You’re welcome,” Toni said, yanking her arm away. 

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You just did,” Toni said, folding the paper and tossing it
on the table.

“I’m serious.”

Exhaling, Toni leaned back in her chair. “Let me guess. You
want to know why I have a problem in stores. Don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.”

With a huff, Toni got to her feet. “Well, that’s too fucking
bad! Stop trying to get into my head. I told you about the food, and that’s
it!”

“But—”

“There aren’t any buts! I don’t want to talk about it...
ever
! Not with you, or a shrink, or the chaplain
down the fucking street. It’s none of their business, and it’s certainly not
yours!”

Shocked, Laura watched as Toni stormed from the room, jumping
in her chair at the sound of the bedroom door closing with a bang. “Shit,”
Laura muttered to herself. “What the hell just happened?”

Thousands of people across the country did it every Sunday
without even thinking, but Toni wasn’t them…and she forgot that. Sipping her
tea, she had picked up the Sunday newspaper without giving it a thought, and
that was her mistake and her trigger. The pages were filled with violence.
Horrible stories about horrible people and their horrible crimes, and in her
head, steel cell doors banged shut, women screamed, and keys on long chains
rattled as baritone voices shouted threats that eventually would turn into
reality.

Toni threw herself on the floor in the corner of the room.
Burying her head in her hands, she tried to quiet the sounds that haunted her,
praying that Laura wouldn’t find her this way. This was her worst. This was
shaking and pale and terrified. This was tears that wouldn’t stop, and pain so
deep inside her psyche, she dared not move for fear her heart would give out.
This was when she prayed to be back on the block where no one could hear her
scream. God, how she wanted to scream.

***

“That doesn’t make sense.”