Give Me a Reason (17 page)

Mixed in with other boxes of Toni’s belongings, it had
travelled from Krista’s house to Toni’s flat, where it had stayed on the top
shelf of her closet until Charlie had found it while boxing up Toni’s books.
Taking it upon himself, he brought it to Laura’s, and now it was at Toni’s
side, gaping and showing its contents like an open wound.

A clear plastic bag was on the top. Sealed with a zip, it
contained the wallet taken from her when she entered Sutton Hall to begin
serving her life sentence. Pulling it from the bag, Toni paused. The leather
was smooth and rich, and she had forgotten she ever owned anything so fine. The
license inside had long since expired, and hearing a clink of change, she
opened the side pouch. A few coins fell out, and she watched as they rolled
across the oak floor, weaving back and forth until they disappeared under the
bed as if trying to hide. With a sigh, she dropped the wallet to the floor, and
it opened to a photograph that had been taken when she and Kris had visited
Spain on holiday. Snapped by a stranger, it showed them posing on a beach, arms
wrapped around each other with smiles broad and bright, seeming to have not a
care in the world. As Toni stared at the photo, tears began to form.

Tossing the bag aside, she fingered the T-shirt she found
underneath. Discolored by foul soaps and dried blood, the collar was ragged and
thin from too many times worn and too many times washed. Wincing at the
ugliness, she moved it aside and then all the air her body contained came out
in a whoosh when she saw a tattered book. The acrid odor emanating from its
yellowed pages so vile that she choked on the smell, she gingerly lifted it
from the box and tossed it aside, and one by one other scraps of Thornbridge
were discovered. A sliver of soap meant to last for weeks, a crushed pack of
fags, non-filtered and cheap, a bit of powder, and the remaining pieces of
clothing that she had worn over and over and over again. There was no stopping
the tears now. They came so violently that her shoulders heaved at the
intensity, and as she wailed, the breaths she tried to take were becoming
frightfully painful.

***

“Laura, answer the bloody question. Where does that leave
me?”

In an instant, Laura knew she had made a mistake, because
when she heard his question, the answer came to her far too quickly. She didn’t
want to make more time for Duane in her life. She didn’t want to marry him. She
didn’t want to live with him. Their relationship was over, and her mistake was
not ending it months ago...permanently.

Laura placed her napkin on the table as she pushed out her
chair. She needed time to find the right words to let Duane down easily, and
sitting across from him while he glared back at her wasn’t helping. “I’m sorry.
I need the ladies. I’ll be right back.”

Before Duane could say a word, Laura grabbed her clutch bag
and was out of her chair. Halfway across the lobby, she changed her mind and
slipped outside instead. Standing just off the entrance, she breathed in the
warm August air, trying to think how to answer Duane’s question honestly, but
without starting a fight in the middle of the restaurant.

Five minutes later, Laura still didn’t know what to say, and
with a heavy sigh, she turned to go back inside, but as she did her mobile
chimed from inside her bag. Pulling it out, when she saw the number on the
display, she blanched and quickly answered the call.

“Toni?” she said in a rush, covering her other ear with her
hand to block out the sounds of the busy street. “Toni?”

Laura waited for a second, but when she heard Toni gasping
for air, a chill ran down her spine. “Toni, talk to me. What’s wrong? Answer
me, Toni. Please, answer me.”

“Can’t...can’t...”

“Okay, you need to calm down. Just listen to my voice.”

Suddenly, the street noise became louder. Whipping around,
Laura glared at the group of people jabbering nearby. “Will you please shut
up?” she shouted. “I can’t hear a bloody word!”

Ignoring the dirty looks they sent her way, she turned her
back on the crowd as she pressed the phone against her ear. “Toni, please just
try to relax. I’ll be there as fast as I can. I promise. I’ll be there as fast
as I can.”

Hearing a click, Laura looked at her phone, frowning when she
saw the call had ended. Dashing back into the restaurant, she paused long
enough to ask the doorman to call her a taxi, and then slowed her walk only
slightly as she headed to the table.

“I’m leaving,” she said, as she picked up her wrap. “Toni
needs me.”

Duane’s entire body stiffened. “Excuse me?”

“I said I’m leaving. Something’s wrong with Toni.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, she’s a grown woman, Laura. Sit down
and let’s talk about us.”

Although Duane’s voice had raised a notch in volume, Laura’s
did not. Leaning closer, she looked him in the eye. “Duane, I’m sorry, but
there’s nothing to talk about. I don’t love you. I can’t give you what you
want, and we both have to stop thinking that things will change, because they
won’t. It’s over, and it has been for a long time. I just refused to see it.
I’m really, really sorry, Duane, but please don’t call me again because I won’t
be calling you back.”

Chapter Sixteen

Rushing into the house, Laura slammed the door behind her and
screamed, “Toni!”

Getting no answer, she tossed her handbag and wrap on a chair
and ran into the lounge, but finding it empty, she hurried to the guest
bedroom, bursting through the door as panic began to set in. One quick glance
told her that Toni wasn’t inside, and after checking the bathroom, she darted
from the room and headed to the kitchen. Seeing Toni sprawled on the floor near
the table, Laura’s heart practically stopped. “Oh, shit,” she said, dropping to
her knees by the woman’s side. “Toni? Toni, can you hear me?”

When Toni didn’t respond, Laura glanced at the phone on the
wall, debating on whether to call emergency services. Taking a moment to gather
her thoughts, she looked around the kitchen. Dried dishes were in the rack and
a bottle of wine, the cork still in place, was on the counter, and then she
noticed the junk drawer. Pulled open as far as it would go, its contents now
littered the floor.

Hearing a soft moan, Laura returned her attention to Toni and
carefully rolled her to her back. “Toni, can you hear me? Are you all right?”

“Laura?”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Laura said, “Yeah, Toni, it’s
me. Are you hurt?”

Struggling to sit up, Toni said, “I...I don’t think so.”

“Wait,” Laura said, coaxing her back to the floor. “Give
yourself a few minutes to get your bearings.”

“I’m fine.”

“Did you hit your head?”

“What?”

Wrinkling her brow, Laura said, “Open your eyes. I want to
see them.”

“I’m not pissed if that’s what you think.”

“I want to make sure you haven’t got a concussion.”

“You a doctor?”

“No. Can I call one?”

“No!”

“Then stop being a pain in the arse and let me look at your
eyes!” Laura said, wincing instantly when she realized she had raised her
voice.

It was pointless to argue, and Toni knew it. Opening her
eyes, she stared defiantly back at Laura. “Satisfied?”

Tickled by Toni’s tenacity, Laura leaned closer, easily
seeing that Toni’s eyes were reacting to the light in the room. Getting to her
feet, Laura said, “Stay there. I’ll be right back.”

“Laura—”

Stopping in the doorway, Laura turned around. “Do we have a
problem here?”

Any argument Toni had brewing was trumped by Laura’s tone.
Resting her head on the floor, Toni closed her eyes. “No. I won’t move a bloody
muscle.”

“Good. Be right back.”

When Toni heard Laura return a few minutes later, she opened
her eyes. “Needed the loo, did you?”

“Actually, I did, but I went up to get this,” Laura said,
holding up a small wicker basket. “It’s where I keep all my first-aid stuff.”

“I told you, I’m fine,” Toni said, sitting up. “See.”

“And what about that cut on your cheek?” Laura asked, helping
Toni to her feet.

Touching her face, Toni flinched. Staring at the blood on her
fingers, she asked, “How’d that happen?”

“I don’t know, but let’s get you into the lounge so I can
look at it.”

After slowly guiding Toni to the couch, Laura returned to the
kitchen and poured two glasses of Scotch. Returning to the sofa, she handed one
to Toni. “Here, take a sip.”

“What is it?”

“It’s Scotch. It’ll take the edge off.”

Toni took a taste of the amber liquor, and immediately
welcomed its warmth as it made its way to her stomach. After a few more sips,
she rested her head on the back of the sofa and closed her eyes. When the
cushions to her left dipped, she didn’t acknowledge it, but when she felt Laura
touch her face, Toni’s eyes flew open. Pulling away, she said, “What the hell
are you doing?”

“I was just trying to take a look at that cut.”

“It’s fine.”

Drawing in a long breath, Laura let it out slowly as she
grabbed a throw pillow and put it on her lap. “Toni, just lie down and put your
head here. I’m not going to hurt you, and you know that. Now, how many times am
I going to have to say it before you believe me? I have all night, if that’s
what it’s going to take.”

Too tired to argue, and well aware that Laura wasn’t about to
back down, Toni swung her legs over the arm of the sofa and rested her head on
the pillow in Laura’s lap.

“Good girl,” Laura said in a whisper. Opening an antiseptic
wipe, and moving slowly so as not to put any undue stress on her patient, Laura
lightly dabbed at the scratch on Toni’s cheek. More a graze than an actual cut,
it only took a few minutes before Laura was satisfied it was clean and not in
need of a bandage. Tossing the wipe on the table, she said, “This doesn’t look
bad at all. Do you remember what you hit it on?”

When Toni didn’t answer, Laura was about to repeat the
question when the sound of Toni’s breathing stopped her. Glancing down, the
smallest of grins appeared on Laura’s face. The woman who hated to be touched
had fallen asleep in her lap.

For almost two hours, Laura sat there in silence, sipping her
drink and finding it impossible to look away from Toni. She was at peace. Her
brow wasn’t furrowed with worry or panic now, and her breathing was steady and
strong. The comfort of sleep had erased her rigid edges, and in their place was
softness and beauty. Unconsciously, Laura ran her fingers lightly over Toni’s
short black hair, pushing strands about and marveling at the silky texture, and
then suddenly, as if burned by her thoughts Laura snatched her hand away, and
the abruptness of her movement caused Toni to stir and open her eyes.

“Hiya,” Laura said. “Feeling better?”

Shocked to see Laura gazing down at her, Toni scrambled to
sit up. Moving to the far end of the sofa, she said, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good,” Laura said, placing her empty glass on the coffee
table. “So, do you mind if I ask what happened?”

“I passed out.”

With a chuckle, Laura said, “I figured that part out, what
with finding you on the kitchen floor. I was actually going for what brought on
the panic attack. I’m assuming that’s why you passed out.”

“I just…I got nervous.”

“Nervous? Toni, when you called me at the restaurant, you
couldn’t even talk.”

Staring back at Laura for a moment, Toni said, “Christ, your
date. I must have ruined it. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t ruin my date. Trust me.”

“Oh, well that’s...that’s good, I guess,” Toni said, staring
off into space.

Sensing Toni’s exhaustion, Laura decided any further
questions could wait until morning. “I think we need to get some sleep. How
about I make some tea and bring yours to your room?”

“No!” Toni shouted. “No. I can’t...I can’t...I can’t go in
there!”

Rattled by the absolute panic in the woman’s voice, Laura
asked, “Toni, what’s wrong? What do you mean?”

“Don’t...don’t ask me to go in there. I-I-I can sleep here,”
Toni said, patting the sofa. “I can sleep here tonight and…and tomorrow you can
find me a place. Any place will do. I-I don’t even care if it’s a hospital. I
just can’t go in there. Please don’t make me go in there.”

Staggered by Toni’s pleas, Laura quickly said, “Okay. Okay,
relax, Toni. Relax. You don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. I
promise.” Thinking for a moment, Laura said, “Why don’t you take another sip of
your drink, and I’ll get you some pajamas. Is that okay?”

“They’ve got to be clean. They mustn’t smell. They...they
can’t smell.”

Laura’s mouth fell open and for a few seconds, her confusion
froze her in place. “Um...of course,” she said quietly. “I’ll...I’ll make sure
they’re...they’re fresh.”

Hoping that the liquor would help steady Toni’s nerves, Laura
waited until she saw her take a few more sips before she went to Toni’s bedroom
and cautiously walked inside. Laura wasn’t exactly sure what she expected to
see. Other than the empty cartons in the corner and the stacks of books neatly
lined up against the wall, nothing had changed. Opening the dresser, she
retrieved a clean pair of Toni’s pajamas, but as she was about to leave, she
noticed a jumble of odds and ends scattered on the floor near the boxes. Going
over, the first thing Laura noticed was the prison-issue plastic zipped bag,
and the second thing was the stench rising from the pile. Wrinkling her nose at
the smell, she pushed a piece of clothing aside with her toe. Uncovering a worn
and tattered book, its pages stained and wrinkled as if it had been soaked in
water, Laura cocked her head to the side.

“What in the world?” she whispered, bending down to pick it
up, but when she recognized the odor, bile rose in her throat. “Jesus Christ!”
she said, kicking it aside. “Jesus...
Jesus Christ
!”
Pressing her lips together so the screams growing inside her couldn’t escape,
when a few tears slid down her face, Laura angrily wiped them away. “Fucking
bastards!” she said, her hands turning into fists. “You no good, fucking
bastards
!”

Stumbling backward, Laura sat on the edge of the bed,
sniffling back her tears as she tried to make sense of things unbelievably
horrid. After a few minutes, she went into the bathroom and wiped away smudges
of makeup and then calmly washed her hands, taking all the time she needed to
pull herself together. Toni couldn’t see her like this. Laura needed to be
strong. She needed to be strong for Toni.

Returning to the bedroom, Laura glanced at the pajamas she
had left on the bed. They were clean, but in her mind, they were no longer
clean enough. Deciding she’d find something of her own for Toni to wear, Laura
went back to the lounge, and seeing Toni resting across the sofa with her eyes
closed, Laura crept up the stairs without saying a word.

As she pulled a T-shirt from her dresser drawer, Laura’s
thoughts returned to Toni’s room, and she decided that tomorrow she would
clean. She would scrub the walls and woodwork, and paint them if necessary. She
would burn the bed linens and draperies, and replace them with new. And she
would destroy everything associated with Thornbridge. Laura didn’t believe in
burning books, but tomorrow she would have a bonfire.

***

It was a restless night for Toni. Lying on the sofa, she
tossed and turned, waking a half-dozen times in as many hours. But each time
she awoke, Laura was at her side, soothing her with quiet words of comfort
until sleep took hold again.

Wide awake, Laura had remained sitting a few feet away, first
sipping Scotch and then tea as daybreak approached. Her mind alive with a
prison called Thornbridge, in the middle of the night, she quietly opened her
laptop and searched the Internet for details, but she found almost nothing.
Fagan and Dent had done itself proud, erasing all information about the hellish
prison, and the only thing that was left was an estate agent’s listing for the
abandoned property which had been on the market for years.

At seven in the morning, Laura called Irene. After
apologizing for the early hour, Laura informed her that she and Toni would not
be at work that day, and after hanging up the phone, she made a pot of coffee
and grabbed a pad of paper. Returning to the lounge, Laura sipped from the mug
as she began making a list. Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t realize that Toni
had woken up and was now watching her from across the room.

“What are you doing?” Toni croaked.

Looking up, Laura grinned. “I’m making a list of things we
need to do and to buy.”

“We?” Toni asked as she sat and ran her fingers through her
hair.

“Yes, as in you and me.”

“I don’t understand.”

Putting down her list, Laura walked over and sat on the
coffee table within inches of Toni, invading her space on purpose, and just as
she suspected, Toni backed away. “I want to say some things, and I want you to
listen without interrupting. Okay?”

“I told you last night, I’ll leave,” Toni said, hanging her head.
“I’ll call Kris and—”

“Toni, please stop second-guessing me. You’re awful at it.”

“I just thought—”

“Will you please just be quiet and listen to me for a
minute?”

Letting out a breath, Toni said, “Yeah. Sure.”

“First, I don’t want you to move out.”

“I can’t—”

“I asked you not to interrupt me.”

“Sorry. Won’t happen again.”

“Good. Now, as I was saying, I don’t want you to move out,
but you can’t keep sleeping on the sofa either. I called Irene this morning and
told her that you and I wouldn’t be in today, but I’m going to call her back
and change that.”

“You can go to work if you want. I’ll be...” Realizing she
had just interrupted again, Toni offered Laura weak grin and motioned for her
to continue.

“I’m going to call her and tell her that we won’t be in for
the rest of the week.”

“What?”

“That will give us time to do what we need to do.”

“I’m confused.”

“You’re also interrupting.”

“Well, I can’t keep quiet—”

“Will you please shut up!” Amused and exasperated by the
woman who once wouldn’t talk, but now wouldn’t remain quiet, Laura reached
over, and without thinking twice, clamped her hand over Toni’s mouth. “I’m
starting to think I liked you better when you didn’t speak.”

For a moment, Laura’s hand remained, and she could feel the
warmth of Toni’s breath on her palm. Their eyes met, and a silent agreement was
formed. When Laura removed her hand, Toni didn’t say a thing.

“As head of the department, I know that you’ve never taken a
holiday, and with summer coming to an end, I’m sure your students wouldn’t mind
a few days off if Irene can’t find anyone to substitute. You know that all your
classes are up-to-date, if not ahead of schedule, and my calendar is clear for
the next few days, so there is no reason why we can’t do this. Agreed?”

“I suppose, but—”

“Toni, if I have to ask you one more time—”

“You asked me a bloody question!”

“And you answered it, so pipe down and let me continue.”

“Fine!” Toni said, throwing her hands up in the air. “Keep
chattering away. I won’t say another bloody word.”

Toni’s tone was gruff, but Laura could see the laughter in
the woman’s eyes. She was pleased that the conversation had turned
lighthearted, but Laura knew that was about to change. Biting on her lip for a
moment, she said, “Okay, now here’s one of the parts you may not like. I want
to get rid of everything in your room except for the furniture.”

“What?”

“I’m going in there and taking everything out. The linens,
drapes, and all of your old clothes, and then I’m going to give away what I can
and the rest I’m going to destroy.” Seeing Toni’s puzzled expression, Laura
said, “I’m going to burn your books, Toni. All of them.”

“You can’t do that. They’re mine!”

“Toni, we’ll get you new books, and some of the titles I saw
in there are ones I own myself, so until we can replace them, you can read
mine. But you need to start getting rid of things that remind you of
Thornbridge, and since all the books you have are second-hand, they’re musty
and stained, and they need to be replaced. What you need is new, not old.”

A flicker of pain crossed Toni’s face at the mention of
Thornbridge, and even though Laura saw it, and her heart ached for the woman,
there was no turning back. “I know you have a few new things, but most of your
clothes are faded and tattered, and that’s not who you are any longer. Is it?”

“I...I hope not.”

“Then you need to rid yourself of things that remind you of
that place. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t have those clothes in
Thornbridge, or even read the books there—”

“I did read them.”

“What?”

“I read them in here,” Toni said, tapping her head. “I kept
them where the screws couldn’t get to them or...or piss on them.”

“Then that’s all the more reason why we should buy new ones.
I know the words won’t change, but the smell will. They’ll be brand new and
untouched by that place in any way.”

“Can’t we donate them? Give them to someone? I mean, not all
of them are in bad shape. Please?”

Thinking for a moment, Laura said, “How about we donate what
we can to Calloway? I’m sure some of the women would enjoy reading a few of the
classics. Will that work for you?”