Give Me a Reason (15 page)

“You’re telling me!”

“Laura, you had to say something or
do
something for her to fly off the handle like
that.”

“Abby, I’m telling you, I thanked her for taking care of me,
and when I started to ask her about her fear of people, she tossed down the
newspaper, screamed at me and then stormed out of the room.”

“And you and she have been getting along okay?”

“Yes, I told you that! It’s been great. We haven’t had any
problems until this afternoon.”

Sipping her coffee, Abby leaned back on the sofa, replaying
what Laura had told her in her mind. Sitting up straight, she said, “Christ,
I’m being stupid!”

“What?”

“Stay here. I’ll be right back,” Abby said as she jumped up
and ran in the direction of the kitchen. Moments later, she returned, carrying
a newspaper and a black marker. Sitting back down, she began scanning the
pages.

“What are you doing?” Laura asked.

“Just give me a minute,” Abby said, drawing black circles
around articles as she scanned a few pages.

“Abby, what the hell are you doing? Looking for a job?”

Capping the marker, Abby tossed it on the coffee table along
with the newspaper. “She forgot.”

“What? Who? Abby, you’re talking in riddles.”

“When you first told me about Toni, you said that she was
very specific about what was allowed in her flat, right?”

“Yeah. So?”

“Besides choosing the food that could be brought in, you also
said that her friend Kris told you that Toni didn’t read newspapers or magazines,
and she didn’t own a TV or radio. Yes?”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

With a sigh, Abby said, “Oh, Laura, she made herself a world
she could survive in. Without newspapers or television, Toni didn’t have to
read or hear about the atrocities that take place almost daily. You told me
that she owns a lot of books. Let me guess. They’re all classics, written long
before writers felt the need to shock or awe.”

“How’d you know?”

“Because they don’t hold any surprises for her. She’s
probably read them dozens of times, virtually memorizing them, so when she
turns the page, she knows what to expect.”

“So?”

“This morning, Toni sat down like the rest of the bloody
population, poured herself a cup of tea and began to read the Sunday paper,
totally forgetting that she can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Handing Laura the newspaper, Abby said, “I haven’t even made
it to page three and there are at least a half-dozen articles about murder,
rape or other acts of violence. You and I have become numb to those types of
stories. We grimace at the details and wonder how people can do that sort of
thing, but Toni
lived
with those people. She
spent four years amongst the most violent
and
vile women this country has to offer, housed in a prison run by bastards who
made up their own rules and their own punishments. When Toni picked up the
paper and began to read those headlines, all those memories, all those
terrible, terrible memories came rushing back.”

“So when I brought up the market—”

“It had nothing to do with you, Laura. Nothing at all. She
was most likely unraveling before you ever stepped foot in the kitchen.”

“Unraveling?”

“Yeah, she’s probably having quite a hard time right now.”

“Oh my God, I’ve got to get back home,” Laura said, jumping
to her feet.

“Not so fast,” Abby said, grabbing her arm and forcing her to
sit back down.

“Abby, you just said—”

“I know what I said, but I also know that as hard as it is to
imagine, this is just what she needs.”

“How can you say that? That’s cruel!”

“Laura, if Toni wants to have some semblance of a normal
life, she has to start facing some demons. I suspect that she’s been able to
keep most of them away by living the way she did, but that’s no longer
possible. Toni told Kris that she wanted to start living again, and if that’s
true, which, by what you’ve told me, I expect it is, what happened today was
unavoidable. You can’t live in the real world and not be exposed to some sort
of human brutality. Toni has to learn to live with it
and
to deal with it.”

“That doesn’t mean that I can’t be there for her,” Laura
said, snatching her arm from Abby’s grasp.

“No, it doesn’t, but I honestly think that she’s probably
better off alone right now. You managed to get her to open up to you about the
food issue, but you can’t think that because she trusted you with that, she’ll
trust you with this. Laura, she’s wounded, and right now that wound is open and
ghastly, and I don’t think she’s ready for you to look inside. As a matter of
fact, she may never be ready for that.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that there’s a very good chance that she’ll never
open up to you or to anyone.”

“But you just said she has to start facing demons if she
wants a normal life.”

“Laura, you’re probably not going to like what I have to say,
but Toni may never have a normal life, at least not what you and I would call
normal.”

“You’re right. I don’t like it!” Laura shouted. “I don’t like
it at all. How can you say that? You’ve never even met her!”

“That’s true. I haven’t. I’m basing my opinion solely on what
you’ve told me about her and what I know about posttraumatic stress.”

“Well, I refuse to believe she won’t get better, and I can
guarantee that Kris won’t believe it either.”

“Good, because Toni’s going to need all the help she can
get.”

Chapter Fourteen

“What do you mean she’s not here?”

“I needed to drop off something to one of my students who
goes to Toni’s seven o’clock. I walked in to find a room filled with students,
but no teacher. I assumed you two were just running late, but I just checked
her eight o’clock, and she’s not in there. She’s still staying with you, isn’t
she?” Susan asked.

“Yes, but when I got up this morning, she was already gone. I
just assumed she came to work.”

“Well, she’s not one to roam the hallways, and I checked the
car park. Her Jeep’s not out there.”

“Shit.”

“Can you call her?”

“She doesn’t have a mobile, and she refuses to pick up my
home phone,” Laura said, tossing her pen on her desk. “Susan, do me a favor. Go
up and tell the women that Toni’s classes are cancelled for today. Okay?”

“Sure, but what are you going to do?”

“First, I’m going to call home and leave a very loud message
telling her to call me, and after that, I have no bloody idea!”

***

Slamming the front door, Laura strode through her house.
Moments before, when she drove down her street and saw Toni’s Jeep, she was
relieved, but by the time Laura pulled into the driveway, she was livid. She
had spent the entire day on the phone, calling hospitals and hostels in search
of Toni, and as each hour passed Laura’s concern grew. Thoughts of accidents
and suicide raced through her mind, and more than once tears rolled down her
face when her imagination spiraled out of control. Having run out of numbers to
call, and unable to keep her mind on work, at half past three, Laura filled her
briefcase and stormed out of the building.

Finding the lounge and kitchen empty, Laura marched to Toni’s
bedroom and rapped hard against the wood. A few seconds later, Toni opened the
door a crack and Laura erupted. “Where the hell have you been?”

“What?”

“Toni, where the fuck have you been all day!” Laura yelled.
“Do you have any idea what I’ve been going through? I called every hospital in
London looking for you!”

“I’m sorry—”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it, Toni!” Laura said. “First and
foremost, you are one of my teachers, and you have a responsibility to
Calloway, which includes calling in if you’re not going to be there.” Glaring
at the woman, Laura was about to utter her second argument when she realized
Toni’s face had turned ashen. Letting out a long, audible breath, Laura said,
“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell, but you really scared me today.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Toni said quietly. “I’m...I’m just not
used to having to answer to someone.”

“You don’t need to answer to me, Toni, but the next time you
decide to disappear for the day, you need to at least call work. Okay?”

“I didn’t disappear. I went back to my flat.”

“Your flat? Oh, Toni, I had Charlie fix the lock, but it’s
only temporary. You can’t stay there.”

“I know. I just went to get my books. I needed my books.”

Peering through the open door, Laura saw a stack of worn
paperbacks on the nightstand with a few more lying on the floor.

“Did you get all of them?”

“No, I only grabbed a few. I didn’t like it there. It didn’t
feel safe.”

“Well, how about tomorrow, I drive over and get the rest?”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t ask. I volunteered,” Laura said with a small
smile. “So, now that we have that settled, how about dinner? Have you eaten
yet?”

“Um...no.”

“Have you eaten today?”

Thinking for a moment, Toni said, “Wasn’t hungry.”

For a split-second Laura’s smile drooped before she forced it
to return. “Well, I’m starving, so why don’t I fix us some dinner. You like
spaghetti?”

“I’m not really hungry, Laura. I just want to read.”

“You can read while you eat. I won’t mind.”

“Laura—”

“I’m not taking no for an answer,” Laura said, walking away.
“Now go and read for a while, and I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

***

Toni was sure it wasn’t Laura’s intention, but once she sat
down for dinner, she found it impossible to read while trying to twirl
spaghetti on her fork. Setting her book aside, she listened as Laura rambled on
about work, eating what was put in front of her...twice.

A short time later, Laura carried two cups of tea into the
lounge. Placing one on the coffee table in front of Toni, she went to the
opposite end of the sofa and curled up in the corner. “What are you reading?”

“Pride and Prejudice.”

“That’s one of my favorites.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Leaning back into the cushions, Laura tilted her head to the
side. “Are you doing okay?”

Toni let out a sigh as she leaned over and placed her book on
the coffee table. “I owe you an apology.”

“You already apologized, Toni.”

“No, I meant about yesterday.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t know why, but you have this way
of...of—”

“Getting on your nerves?”

Toni snorted, smiling ever so slightly as she looked at the
woman. “No, I mean, yeah, but not on my nerves. More like in my head.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve had anyone other than Kris
to talk to, and I know her. I know what to expect with her, but with you...with
you, it’s different. You do things and ask questions that she wouldn’t, and it
does my head in.”

“I don’t mean to, but I haven’t known you for as long as
Kris. I don’t know the boundaries until I’ve already crossed over them, and
then it’s too late. I’m sorry about Sunday—”

“That wasn’t you. I just...I just did something stupid, and
my head started filling with all this shit.”

“I’m sorry,” Laura said in a whisper.

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either.”

“How do you figure that?”

“All you did was read the paper. Most of us do it every day.”

Toni’s head jerked up, her eyes turning to slits as she
studied the woman sitting a few feet away. “You’re surprisingly intuitive
tonight.”

“Oh...um...I have a friend. Her name’s Abby, and when you did
what you did on Sunday, I went and talked to her. She’s a psychologist.”
Noticing that Toni seemed to stiffen, Laura said, “Please don’t get angry. I
just needed someone else’s opinion—”

“And since she’s a bloody shrink—”

“She’s my friend, Toni. My
best
friend, and whenever there’s something bothering me, just like you talk to
Kris, I talk to Abby.”

“Maybe I should find another place to stay.”

“Why? Because my best friend’s a psychologist?

“No, because the next thing you’re going to suggest is that I
should go talk to her!”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Are you saying I’m wrong?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Bollocks.”

“I don’t appreciate you calling me a liar,” Laura said,
sitting up and placing her cup on the table. “I’ve never once lied to you or
done anything that wasn’t in your best interest. I talked to Abby because I was
worried about you. You’re not exactly the easiest person to read sometimes,
Toni, and up until Sunday morning, we were doing great. Then, all of a
sudden...
bam
...you fly off the bloody handle,
and I had no idea why or what to do about it.”

“Who asked you to do anything about it? People have moods,
you know?”

“Yes, they do, but Jesus Christ, Toni, you have bloody tidal
waves!”

As Laura shouted, Toni found herself listening more to the
woman’s rapidly thickening accent than to the words actually being said, but
when Laura’s tidal wave analogy hit Toni’s ears, her eyes creased at the
corners. “And I suppose what you’re doing right now doesn’t fall under the
heading of tsunami?”

Whatever Laura was planning to say got trapped when her jaw
snapped shut. Staring back at Toni for a moment, the corners of Laura’s mouth
turned up ever so slightly. “If I didn’t know better, Miss Vaughn, I’d think
you just made a joke.”

Toni returned the smile for a few seconds, but then it
disappeared. “I shouldn’t have called you a liar, but Kris has tried more than
once to get me to talk to a doctor and I just assumed you wanted me to do the
same thing, and I can’t. I won’t.”

“Okay.”

“That’s it?”

“What else would you like me to say?”

“I don’t know. I just...I guess I thought you’d argue a bit
more. Kris always has.”

“I’m not Krista,” Laura said, picking up the empty cups. “I’m
going to get another. Would you like one?”

Toni glanced at the book on the coffee table and then back at
Laura. The idea of locking herself in her room to read all night long suddenly
lost its appeal. “Yeah, that would be great.”

***

“You can’t be serious.”

“Why not?”

“Because…because it just wouldn’t work!”

“It’s working now, isn’t it?”

“Laura, there’s no way I’m going to live with you.”

“Give me one reason why you can’t?”

“I can give you plenty!” Toni shouted. Instantly regretting
that she had raised her voice when the noise level in the coffee shop plummeted
drastically, Toni leaned in Laura’s direction and said quietly, “First, I don’t
need a babysitter.”

“When, over the past two weeks, have I babysat you?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. You have your own key, and you come and go as
you please. I haven’t once tried to coddle you or protect you or...or even shop
for you.”

“That’s because you make me go with you,” Toni said with a
playful pout.

“Exactly! Toni, you’re not a child, and I haven’t treated you
like one. I’m just suggesting that since this is working, why change it?”

“You won’t have any privacy.”

“That’s a bunch of crap, and you know it.”

“Do I? Laura, what happens when Mr. Right comes along? What
happens when you bring him home and cook him a meal and…and he stays.”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t be coy. You know exactly what I mean. What happens
when you meet a man…when you meet a man who you want to sleep with?”

“I don’t see that happening anytime soon, Toni, and when it
does, I’ll go to his place.”

“Are you cancelling dates because of me?”

“What?”

“You heard me, Laura. Are you cancelling dates because of
me?”

“No, I’m not. I did that once and have no intention of doing
it again.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re gor—”

Toni stopped, retracting the last syllable before it escaped.
Surprised that the word had even entered her mind, Toni regrouped, or at least
she
tried
to regroup. “I...I mean you’re
an...an attractive woman, Laura, and I can’t believe that men aren’t...well,
they aren’t...they aren’t knocking down your door to...uh...what I mean to say
is, is that I...I find it hard to believe that—”

“Are you going to make a sentence anytime soon or should I
order us some more coffee?” Laura said, her eyes twinkling with mirth.

Setting her jaw, Toni blurted, “Damn it, Laura, you’re a
beautiful woman, and I can’t believe there isn’t a man in this bloody city who
wouldn’t want to date you! What are they, blind?”

The fact that Toni found her attractive made Laura’s heart
skip a beat, but quickly shaking off the feeling, Laura said, “Thanks for the
compliment, but since John’s been out, I’ve been putting in some long hours, so
I haven’t really had a lot of time to socialize. Now have I?”

Thinking for a moment, Toni said, “No, I suppose not.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I do have a date on
Saturday.”

“You do?”

“Yes. My ex called me the other day, and we’re going to meet
for drinks.”

“Your ex?”

“His name’s Duane. We were together for a couple of years,
but when he asked me to marry him, and I said no, things started going
downhill.”

“Wait. He proposed?”

“Do you find that surprising?” Laura said, cocking her head
to the side.

“No. No, of course not, it’s just that you never mentioned it.”

“That’s because it wasn’t worth mentioning.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, we tried to make it work for a while, but then
everything went to shit.”

“Then why see him again?”

“Because I really like him, and we have two years of history
together. The fight was as much my fault as it was his. I was working some
really long hours, and I knew Duane was having problems at his job, but I
wasn’t giving him the time he needed. So, one night I came home a bit grumpy.
He was there, also a bit grumpy, and we ended up having a grumpy explosion.”

“Sounds messy.”

“It was,” Laura said with a laugh. “We both said things we
didn’t mean, and when he called on Monday, he apologized for everything and
said he’d like to try again.”

“And I’m assuming you do, too?”

Laura shrugged. “It depends on the day, but we were so good
together once. I’d love to get that back.”

“Well, I hope it works out then,” Toni said, picking up her
coffee. After drinking what remained, she placed the cup on the table. “So, you
ready to go?”

“Not so fast, Miss Vaughn.”

“Huh?”

“You never answered the question.”

“What question?”

“Now who’s being coy?”

“Laura—”

“Give me one reason, Toni. One reason and I’ll shut up.”

Toni took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair.
Whether she cared to admit it or not, Laura was right…it
was
working.

***

Finishing off her dinner, Toni pushed the plate away and
turned back to her book. It was the second she had read that day. After
spending a few hours of the morning helping to tidy up the house, while Laura
ran errands and prepared for her date, Toni had spent the day in her room until
her stomach made itself known.