Happy Endings (40 page)

‘Now come on,’ said Granddad squeezing her hand. ‘None of that talk, eh. The doctor said the best thing for you was positive thinking.’

‘Granddad’s right,’ I said, but it seemed impossible to think anything vaguely positive. She was seventy-five years old and whether it was five months, seven months or a year, the rest of her life wasn’t going to be much of a life. I smiled, but I could see on her face that she had already given up. ‘Love you, Nan.’

‘Love you too, Harry,’ she said. I gave her another hug and then looked up at Granddad and I saw tears glistening in his eyes. ‘I think I’m going to have a little lie down,’ she said, and so Granddad helped her up and into their bedroom.

After they were gone, I walked over to their sideboard and had a look at the photo of them on their wedding day. Both of them looked so young, so happy and so in love. Granddad smiling with his brylcreamed hair and best suit, while Nan looked beautiful in her white dress standing outside the church. I couldn’t help but think of Emily.

‘She’s off,’ said Granddad walking back into the room a short while later. ‘Fancy a beer?’

‘I’d love one,’ I replied.

‘Me too,’ said Granddad.

We both got a beer and sat outside in the garden. The clouds were mainly gone and there was a lovely late afternoon sun. I took out a cigarette and lit it.

‘Can I have one?’ said Granddad.

‘But you don’t smoke?’

‘I just feel like one.’

‘Sure,’ I said and handed him one. He lit it and took a deep inhale, before almost coughing his lungs up.

‘You all right?’

‘It’s been a while,’ he said with a wry smile.

‘I meant with Nan.’

‘Oh, that,’ he said. ‘What’s to say, Harry? She has cancer.’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘We’re old, it happens. I just hope it isn’t painful. I couldn’t stand to see her in pain. I’d rather she just go to bed and not wake up.’

‘I’m here for you, if you need me.’

‘I know, Harry, and let’s not get too downhearted, your wedding’s in a couple of days. Nervous?’

‘A bit.’

‘That’s normal. You’re a man, Harry, we’re not made to get married without that feeling of “what if”? Women, you see, for them getting married is the end of the uncertainty, but for men it’s just the beginning.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I love your Nan more than anything in the world. Without her I’d be lost, Harry, literally. Wonderful with directions your Nan. Best map reader I’ve ever seen and I’ve been through two world wars. But when we were getting hitched all them years ago, I had some feelings of doubt. Women want to be married, they want kids, the house and all the rest of it. Us men, we don’t know what we want. We never do. Until last year I was still trying to convince your Nan we should go on that European cruise. I doubt we’ll be doing that now, but I still think about it.’

‘I guess it’s the little boy in all of us. Always dreaming.’

‘And there’s nothing wrong with that, but the best thing, Harry, the greatest thing in the world is being married. There’s no adventure like it. I wouldn’t swap the last fifty-five years with your Nan for anything else. For a hundred cruises.’

‘Good to hear, Granddad.’

‘So when you stand next to Emily in the church and she’s looking at you and you’re looking at her, just remember that as long as you have each other, everything else will take care of itself. Never, ever, take her for granted.’

‘I won’t. I promise,’ I said, and we sat in the garden, drinking our beers and smoking our cigarettes, while upstairs the love of his life, my nan, was fast asleep dying of cancer.

Friday, August 11th, 9.45 a.m.

Emily in the shower. The sun is shining and today is the beginning of our wedding weekend. One day to go.

Emily and I had a lovely morning. Our last morning together as a non-married couple and so, of course, we had to have sex for the last time as singletons before we could have sex for the first time as a married couple.

‘I wonder if it will feel different after we’re married?’ said Emily.

‘What, sex?’

‘Yeah. I wonder if it will feel different. More meaningful somehow.’

‘I doubt it,’ I said.

‘You old romantic,’ said Emily with a giggle.

‘No, I mean, it’s still just us, isn’t it. Just me and you.’

‘So you don’t think being married is going to change anything between us?’

‘Maybe, I don’t know. I’ve never been married before,’ I said. ‘For all I know the sex could be even more phenomenal when we’re married.’

‘Here’s to hoping,’ she said, climbing out of bed with a smile. ‘I’m going to take a shower.’

Emily is staying at her parents’ house tonight after the rehearsal and I’m staying here with Ben. My last night as a single man and what do I have planned? Xbox, a takeaway and beers with my best mate. Hardly Living la Vida Loca, is it?

9.24 p.m.

Ben just nipped to the corner shop to replenish our cigarette and beer supply.

The rehearsal went all right. Trevor the vicar is a lovely man and Doris the organist is a sweet old dear. I don’t really see the point in a rehearsal if I’m honest. We’ve all been to a wedding before, it’s pretty plain and simple, I stand here, she stands there, this happens then, but I suppose we have to adhere to tradition.

Derek was a little quiet and I noticed the diamond studs were gone. I wonder if Pam knows about the lap dancers. At one point Derek walked over and whispered in my ear,

‘What happened on the stag stays on the stag. Understood?’

I nodded.

Pam and my mother both started crying when Emily did her fake walk down the aisle. If they cried at that they’re going to be a mess tomorrow. It was a bit weird practising what we’ll actually be doing in less than twenty-four hours. It was also strange saying goodbye to Emily. We both stood there holding hands, before she left with her parents and I left with Ben. My parents gave their usual distinctive goodbyes.

Dad: ‘Yeah, bye.’

Mum: ‘See you tomorrow my little man. The big day is finally here. My little boy is all grown up. (This is when the tears started and then the high-pitched talking began). It feels like only five minutes ago you were in my arms. Oh, come here. (She hugged me for all she was worth). Now make sure you get a good night’s sleep. No staying up all night playing the Box machine games. Do you hear me, Benjamin? Bed early. Oh, come here. (She hugged me even tighter). I love you, Harry. You’ll always be my little man.’

Dad: ‘Are you coming, woman?’

Mum: ‘OK, bye, love you. Sleep tight. See you tomorrow. The big day. Aaaggghhh!’

And then she was gone, but only because Dad dragged her away.

Saturday, August 12th, 8.15 a.m.

Wedding Day!

It’s here. The day I finally get married to Emily.

I didn’t sleep much last night thinking about Emily and Nan. Ben went to bed at about two o’clock, but I just sat up thinking until I dozed off sometime around dawn. I still don’t really understand why I’m so nervous about getting married. I thought writing my thoughts down might reveal some hidden feelings, some subconscious desires or something. I suppose it has helped a bit, and definitely with Nan, but I still can’t quite grasp why I’m feeling so confused. Maybe Granddad was right and it’s just part and parcel of being a man.

11.15 a.m.

Just back from breakfast. Ben in the shower. Still feeling a bit weird.

Ben came downstairs at ten this morning.

‘Harry’s getting married in the morning, ding dong the bells are going to chime,’ he sang, walking into the lounge.

‘I’m getting married in the afternoon actually, mate.’

‘Fair enough. How you doing? Feeling frisky?’ he said rubbing my shoulders.

‘Feeling tired and a bit nervous.’

‘Pre-match jitters. Come here, you,’ said Ben sitting down next to me on the sofa and pointing to his knee.

‘I’m not going to sit on your knee.’

‘OK, fine, now what’s all this silliness about?’

‘It’s probably nothing. Just a bit of cold feet.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know really.’

‘You love Emily and want to spend the rest of your life with her, right?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘Then why the jitters?’

‘Where are you going next month?’

‘Thailand, why?’

‘And where did you go last New Year’s?’

‘Rio De Janeiro. Again, why?’

‘Because I haven’t been to either.’

‘So?’

‘I don’t know, but it seems significant. I guess I’m just worried that getting married means I won’t ever get to do that.’

‘But being married just means you have someone to go with. Look, this might sound a bit naff, but as much as I love my life, I envy you.’

‘You envy me?’ I said incredulously.

‘Yes because you’ve found what we’re all looking for. The One. Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. You know when I’m in Thailand and Brazil, most of the time I’m thinking that as much fun as it is, it would be a lot better if I was there with someone special.’

‘Really?’

‘Really. Now stop being such a knob and pull yourself together, and if you’re still feeling a bit weird about everything, then give Emily a call and talk to her.’

‘Cheers, mate.’

‘That’s what best men are for. Now,  let’s go and get some breakfast, I’m starving ,’ said Ben.

But despite Ben’s pep talk and a full-English breakfast, I’m still not getting that loving feeling. I need to talk to Emily. Actually, dear diary, I need to go and see her.

3.30 a.m.

Emily asleep next to me. Tired. What a day.

I drove to Emily’s parents’ house in a panic. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. What I wanted to do. Was I going to call the wedding off? I had no idea. I just knew I had to see her.

‘You can’t see her,’ said Derek. ‘It’s out of the question.’

‘But I have to see her, Derek. It’s important.’

‘You can’t. I’ve been instructed,’ said Derek standing firm. ‘It’s bad luck.’

‘Just remember you made me do this,’ I said.

‘Do what?’

‘Stag?’ I said with a look that definitely said I was ready to blab.

‘You wouldn’t,’ said Derek looking nervous.

‘Try me.’

‘Fine, come in, but you can’t see her,’ said Derek.

Five minutes later and I was finally allowed in to talk to Emily. I walked into her room, but it was empty.

‘Emily?’

‘Harry, what are you doing here?’ said Emily from behind her wardrobe door. They had opened the wardrobe door and Emily was behind it. I slumped down on one side of the door and she was on the other. I reached my hand down and held hers.

‘I just needed to see you, Em.’

‘Is there a problem? Are you getting cold feet?’

‘No, nothing like that. I just. I don’t know what the problem is.’

‘Do you still want to get married?’

‘Of course, Em. I love you more than anything in the world. It’s. I just don’t want to let you down that’s all. I’m so worried I’m going to be a terrible husband. I just had to come and see you so you knew.’

‘That you’re going to let me down and be a terrible husband?’

‘At some point, probably.’

‘It may come as a massive surprise to you, Harry, but this isn’t breaking news. Of course you’re going to let me down and I’m sure at some point you might even be a terrible husband, but that’s OK.’

‘It is?’

‘Harry, I know you. I know all your little things and annoying habits, but we’re here. We’re getting married. Doesn’t that tell you something?’

‘That you’ve got really bad judgement?’

‘No, silly. That I love you despite all of these things and it doesn’t matter what you do, I’ll always love you

‘I love you too, Em. I’m sorry. I freaked out.’

‘It’s OK, and you do realise at some point I’m going to let you down too? I’ll probably get the seven-year-itch and have a passionate affair with my yoga instructor.’

‘But you don’t do yoga.’

‘I do in seven years’ time,’ said Emily. ‘We all have doubts, Harry, it’s normal. I’m not perfect and neither are you and of course we’re going to mess up. What’s important is that whatever happens, we remember how much we love each other right now.’

‘Agreed,’ I said. ‘Although you are banned from yoga.’

‘Fine,’ said Emily with a giggle. ‘To be honest, I was expecting you to do this.’

‘Really?’

‘Harry, please. You got cold feet when we bought that fridge from John Lewis. Buyer’s remorse. You freaked out because what if we found it cheaper somewhere else? What if we found a better fridge, a colder fridge, one that dispensed ice or had a special storage space just for beer? It’s just a part of who you are.’