Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (9 page)

When we have made a commitment to improving
our lives, we immediately return to abstinence from the drug or
behavior we are trying to quit. We cannot allow our addiction to
keep us from the health and prosperity we deserve.

We’re not perfect, and healing is not some
straight line out of suffering and into health. In an ideal world,
there would be no relapse. In an ideal world, we would be able to
quit an addiction and have no problem holding firm to our decision.
But for most of us, that’s not the way it works. Recovery is a
process, not an event.

There can be times when even our best
intentions will not keep us sober. With a strong trigger like
running into an old drinking/using friend or the death of a
relative, we may begin to crave alcohol, drugs, food, or sex
again.

Guilt and shame are poison to our recovery
process. It’s important to forgive ourselves when we relapse. We
need to give our recovery process another chance.

Keep believing in yourself, even if you
relapse. Never use a relapse as an excuse to return to active
addiction. Repeat after me:

“I am not perfect. I am only human. Sometimes
I feel overwhelmed, and that’s O.K. I am going to get back on my
feet and keep moving in a positive direction. I am becoming a
stronger, healthier person. I will never give up on my recovery
process because I deserve better.”

Recovering addicts often experience a big,
empty hole in their lives when they first quit an addiction.
Addictions usually grow larger over time. In the later stages of
addiction, we may reach the point where our entire life and
everything in it revolves around the drink, the drug, or the
behavior.

People sometimes grow bored in recovery and
wonder what they can possibly do to fill that void. Recovering
alcoholics and addicts sit and stare at the wall instead of
returning to the hobbies and activities they used to enjoy. Boredom
can lead to relapse when we don’t give ourselves enough time to
adjust to our new, healthier lifestyle.

There are many fun, exciting things we can do
in recovery that do not involve drinking, using, food, or sex. We
need to rediscover these hobbies and activities.

Some of us fall into nostalgic thinking. We
fantasize about the “good old days,” and begin to glorify or
romanticize the past. We remember the good times we had but forget
about the problems our addictions caused.

We need to grieve the loss of our addiction
just as we would grieve the loss of a loved one. Yes, we depended
on it. We turned to it, and it was always there for us. But our
relationship with our addiction was dysfunctional. In the end, the
addiction took more than it gave. It deceived us and hurt us. It
damaged our health, and may have robbed us of our freedom.

At first, sobriety can feel like a loss. The
loss of our ability to control the way we feel. Yet with time,
sobriety becomes an opportunity. An opportunity to regain
everything our addiction took from us. An opportunity to create new
relationships and new goals for our future. To dream in ways that
we could never have dreamed while we were drinking, using, or
acting out our addictive behaviors.

Recovery is the struggle between a part of us
that wants to use and a part of us that wants to remain sober. We
will never be cured. There will always be a part of us that wants
to drink, use, or act out. So the key is to constantly strengthen
the part of us that wants to stay sober, and constantly weaken the
part of us that wants to return to those old behaviors.

Strengthening our sober side is a matter of
going to treatment, AA/NA meetings, exercising regularly, getting
enough sleep, writing about our feelings in a journal, asking for
help from other recovering addicts, and engaging in our spiritual
practices. In fact, anything we do that makes us physically,
mentally, emotionally, or spiritually stronger will help us to
remain sober.

Weakening our addicted side is a matter of
avoiding the drink, the drug, or the behavior and the places where
that behavior took place. We need to avoid the bar, the
drug-dealer, old friends who continue to drink or use, businesses
that sell pornography, strip clubs or brothels, fast food
restaurants, or casinos where we spent money compulsively. We need
to change the way we think about our lives. We need to refocus on
the positive and give less power to the negative. We need to become
more grateful for our many blessings.

It’s important to recognize when our
addictive thinking is telling us its okay to drink, use, or act out
“just one more time.” When our addictive mind tells us, “You don’t
have a problem,” or that, “Your problems are everyone else’s
fault.” Over time, we realize that everything our addictive mind
tells us is a lie.

Relapse is more likely when we are stressed
out or feeling weak. When the part of us that wants to use and the
part of us that wants to remain sober are almost equal in strength.
At times like this, we may feel like using one day and staying
sober the next.

During these times of struggle, we need to do
everything we can to strengthen the sober part of us. It might be
time to go to an AA/NA meeting or talk with our sponsor, supportive
family members, or friends. We may need to engage in healthy
activities to refocus ourselves on the positive aspects of life.
The more we encourage our inner self, the more effectively we can
work our recovery process.

Process
Questions

Have I relapsed on a chemical or behavioral
addiction in the past?

How did it feel when I relapsed on a chemical
or behavioral addiction?

Have I ever used a relapse as an excuse to
give up? Have I ever used it as a justification to return to active
addiction?

What good things will happen to me if I keep
working to overcome my addictions?

How will my self-esteem improve if I stay
sober?

Stepping Stones to Health

Relapse

-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones
to health, and the next step or steps

you need to take.

_____ 1. I have relapsed on a chemical or
behavioral addiction in the past, and I

quit trying to stay sober.

_____ 2. I have failed at recovery before,
and I feel very discouraged.

_____ 3. I have had some success with my
attempts to quit a chemical or behavioral addiction, but I keep
relapsing and I’m not sure that I can ever stay clean.

_____ 4. I get angry with myself when I
relapse, and I feel very ashamed or guilty.

_____ 5. I am beginning to realize that I
can’t control myself. I am addicted to a particular substance or
behavior.

_____ 6. I no longer criticize myself for
relapsing. I learn from the experience, avoid the triggers that
made me want to use, avoid the situations that led to my relapse,
and press ahead with my recovery program.

Chapter 9
–
Self-Sabotage

“People get comfortable with their lifestyle,
no matter how negative

or painful it may be.”

-Jason Goodwin

Sabotaging ourselves means taking something
in our life that is working or moving in a positive direction and
intentionally messing it up. It is a habit that keeps us sick,
keeps us miserable, but ensures that we don’t have to change or
experience anything new.

People get comfortable with their lifestyle,
no matter how negative or painful it may be. As a general rule, we
don’t like change. Even when we discover that our addictions or
behaviors are prolonging our pain. Chaos can become a way of life.
Pain can begin to feel normal over time. If misery is all we have
ever known, than happiness or success can seem frightening or
dangerous.

It is easier to repeat our patterns than to
change them. What is comfortable and normal according to the
standards of how we were raised may actually be abusive or harmful
to our bodies and our self-esteem. If we grew up in families of
alcoholism or addiction, we may have learned that heavy drinking or
drug use was the normal or even expected behavior. We may have
grown up believing that we couldn’t possibly be alcoholics, because
“everyone drinks to get drunk.”

Some of us learned to sabotage ourselves on a
regular basis in order to keep ourselves down. This pattern seems
to be more common in people who grew up in families of addiction
and abuse. Over time, we began to believe that chaos was normal. We
came to believe that everyone’s life was filled with abusive
relationships, drugs, and alcohol. We learned to feel most
comfortable when our lives were out of control.

Any attempt to become healthy is
uncomfortable at first. There will always be a part of us that
wants to return to our old lives and our old behavior. Our new
routine can feel so strange or foreign that we may want to drink,
use drugs, or sleep around again so we can revisit what we’re
familiar with. We need to resist this urge.

Many of us who were abused as children or
grew up in a chaotic home environment started drinking, smoking
pot, or sleeping around in an effort to numb our pain. It’s
important to remember that even our addictive behaviors felt
uncomfortable at first. Most smokers will tell you they coughed,
hacked, and felt sick after their first cigarette. But over time,
they became addicted. The down-sides of smoking became less
important than the high.

It can take years to get comfortable with the
pain of addiction and abuse. For those destructive patterns to
eventually feel normal to us, we had to adapt and adjust to them,
just as we have to adapt and adjust to our newer, healthier
lifestyle.

When we give ourselves the time to heal, our
new, healthier patterns eventually feel more comfortable than the
self-destruction of our past. I am currently ten years sober from
nicotine. My lungs are strong again and I no longer suffer from
bronchitis. I feel so much better about myself and the direction of
my life.

Recovery takes time. Real change always does.
If you find yourself relapsing or sabotaging your new, healthier
lifestyle, take heart. You can learn to recognize and reverse those
self-destructive patterns.

What helped me the most was having a label
for what I was doing. Calling it “self-sabotage” helped me to see
this issue more clearly.

Over time, we begin to identify our own, sick
beliefs about why we don’t deserve to be happy. Patterns of
self-sabotage are often perpetuated by feelings of low self-esteem
and a belief that we deserve to be punished.

As our self-esteem improves, we start to
challenge those unhealthy beliefs and behaviors. We start to
challenge our crazy thinking. We deserve to be happy. We do not
need to sabotage ourselves and our lives.

Sabotaging ourselves can take the form of
returning to the active phase of addiction. It can include
isolating ourselves or neglecting our physical, mental, emotional,
or spiritual needs. Sometimes we get into unhealthy relationships
or stay in relationships that don’t work. We focus on the negative
side of life, knowing it will make us depressed. We feel ashamed of
our past and certain that our future will be the same.

Sometimes, we don’t allow ourselves to have
fun. We feel that we have to be constantly working. Self-sabotage
can take the form of neglecting our spiritual life or our
connection with our higher power.

The opposite of self-sabotage is self-care.
It’s not enough to stop hurting ourselves. We need to give
ourselves the love, nurturing, and support that we deserve.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1
:
Ending Self-Sabotage

-I can heal or I can sabotage myself. What
has made me want to sabotage myself in the past?

1. Anger that I had no control over being
abused. I need to allow myself to feel angry about the abuse
without hurting myself or others. I need to sit with my anger and
allow myself to feel it. I must learn to release my anger in
healthy ways, like exercising or hitting a punching bag. If I feel
hurt, I need to cry and be aware of the pain I am feeling. I need
to allow that hurt to pass through me and out of me. If I feel
afraid, I need to allow myself to physically shake. If I feel sad,
I need to let myself cry. These feelings are not going to kill
me.

2. Over time, I began to feel comfortable
with the pain of sexual abuse. When I sabotage myself, a part of me
is trying to return to the way I used to feel. I need to allow
myself to be uncomfortable with the changes I am making.

-What are some of the ways I tend to sabotage
myself?

1. Isolation: I keep myself alone and lonely.
This has been a sick means of recreating the feelings of
abandonment I experienced as a child. By isolating myself, I punish
myself for having been abused and perpetuate my belief that I don’t
deserve to be loved.

2. Not taking care of myself: I stop taking
care of my needs for food, sleep, exercise, or social activity. I
neglect those needs out of self-hatred, and claim that I don’t care
about myself.

3. Choosing or staying with partners who
don’t love me: I choose partners that are emotionally unavailable,
disrespectful, or even abusive. This reinforces my belief that I
don’t deserve to be loved. It reinforces my low self-esteem. Even
when I recognize that a partner has become abusive, I still cannot
bring myself to leave them.

4. Focusing on the negative aspects of life,
knowing it will make me depressed: I have often focused on the
negative side of life. This has been an effort to make myself feel
depressed, and has turned into another sick form of
self-punishment.