Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (6 page)

_____ 12. I am learning that there are better
ways of coping with negative feelings than using drugs or alcohol
and I am learning those techniques.

_____ 13. I am beginning to use these better
ways of coping with my problems, including exercise, journaling,
deep relaxation, talking about my feelings, going to
AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings, prayer, talking to my sponsor
when I feel like drinking or using, etc…

_____ 14. I feel that I really want to stay
sober and improve my life.

_____ 15. I am beginning to see the positive
effects of sobriety on my mood, my willingness to take
responsibility, my self-care, my self-esteem, my relationships, and
the overall quality of my life.

_____ 16. I am motivated to continue to do
whatever it takes to stay sober, because I know from other
recovering addicts that my life will continue to improve as long as
I continue to work my recovery program.

Chapter 5
–
Sexual Addiction

“Sexuality is colored by our emotions and
experiences.”

-Jason Goodwin

Survivors of sexual abuse often develop
sexually addictive behaviors. Sex addicts hire prostitutes,
compulsively view pornography, or seek out shallow, sexual
encounters. I used to believe that engaging in these addictive
behaviors might somehow cathartically help me to release my issues.
But in truth, those behaviors only caused me greater shame.

Sex is a highly personal, emotionally charged
act. Most of us experience intense feelings during lovemaking.
Sexuality can be like a beautiful flower, blooming in wonder and
magnificence. But when a flower is open to the sun, it is also
vulnerable to the storm.

Opening our hearts can lead to great pain.
Trusting others means taking a risk. Sometimes people will love us
deeply and enrich our lives. Other times, they will abuse us or
betray us.

Most of us feel vulnerable during the sexual
act, whether it’s with someone we love or someone who is abusing
us. Sexuality is colored by our emotions and experiences. As
humans, I believe that sex is the closest we can come to the act of
creation. For that reason, sexuality is one of our most cherished
gifts. When sex is violent, abusive, or forced on an unwilling
participant, it is a violation of something we hold very dear.

When someone wants to hurt us, they desecrate
what we cherish most. Some abusers threaten to hurt us or our
families in an attempt to force us to commit acts that are against
our will or our morals.

Some of us react to the trauma of sexual
abuse by identifying with the abuser. We want the kind of power the
abuser seemed to feel when he/she sexually abused us. Later in
life, we feel drawn to sexual situations that make us feel powerful
and in control. We may even engage in behavior that involves
degrading or humiliating a partner sexually.

Others react to the trauma of sexual abuse by
becoming the victim. We convince ourselves that we deserved to be
abused. We come to believe that we exist only for the gratification
of others. We choose partners who victimize us, humiliate us, and
exploit us. This pattern leads some survivors into lifestyles of
prostitution, stripping, or pornography.

It is difficult to explain the pain of sexual
abuse to someone who was never abused in this way. “What’s the big
deal?” they ask. “It’s only sex.”

Sometimes family members wish we would just
“get over it.” Others try to blame us for the abuse because we were
acting too seductively, flirting with an abuser, or because we
never told anyone about it. But the truth is that most of us never
had the power, as children or adults, to prevent what was happening
to us.

Healthy sexuality is a bigger part of our
identity than many of us realize. People who were sexually abused
often react with an enormous amount of physical, sexual, emotional,
and spiritual pain.

I believe that we feel proud of our ability
to create life. Our abusers attempted to distort this beautiful
gift and turn it into a cruel weapon. Some of us began to fear sex.
We learned that sex can be an explosion of rage rather than an
expression of love. We learned how sex can become an addiction,
used only for self-gratification or power.

After having been sexually abused, our
beliefs about sexuality can change for the worse. Some of us
learned to imitate our abusers by separating the sexual act from
love. We learned to meet our own sexual needs at the expense of
others. We began to use sex as a medication to change the way we
felt. We began to see others as sexual objects instead of the human
beings they truly are.

In the end, we wound up abusing ourselves.
Many of us subjected ourselves to sexually abusive situations and
relationships without even realizing it.

As survivors of sexual abuse, it is essential
to unlearn whatever negative things we came to believe about sex.
We must challenge every act of cruelty that was perpetrated upon
us. Sex is only fulfilling when it is mutually respectful and done
out of love. Healthy sex was meant to be an equal exchange, without
one person gaining power or control over the other. Sex should
always be consensual or it is abuse.

Human beings are not sexual objects. We are
made of light and love. None of us deserve to be abused.

When we lose ourselves in sexual addiction,
we are lost in the values and beliefs of our abusers. Acting out
sexually cannot lead us to greater health or happiness. When we
continue to engage in sexually addictive behaviors, we continue to
degrade and devalue both ourselves and others.

As sex addicts, we often develop shallow,
hyper-sexual relationships because we want to avoid true intimacy.
We use others for sex, and encourage them to use us in the same
way.

Sexual addiction can make loving
relationships impossible. Substituting sex for love can actually
prevent us from ever getting the love we truly need.

Addictive sex is not love, and sexually
addictive relationships are not about love. As sex addicts, we may
experience a lot of sexual pleasure, but are often starving for the
love we truly need.

Sexual addiction can destroy love. When one
partner cheats on another, the trust in that relationship is often
destroyed. If one partner acts out his/her addiction to
prostitution or pornography, he/she can grow distant and lost in
their addiction. The partner of a sex addict may also begin to grow
emotionally and sexually distant.

Sexual addiction is disdainful of love. As
our addiction progresses, we begin to see others as sexual objects
or drugs we can use to get high. Sexual addiction reduces a human
being to an object of desire. Over time, we feel increasingly
guilty and ashamed of our behavior.

Actions speak louder than words. We will only
feel better about ourselves when we abstain from addiction. We must
allow our feelings to happen instead of medicating them with sex.
It’s time to examine and challenge any unhealthy beliefs we still
hold. In doing so, we begin to regain our true selves, our
integrity, and our fidelity.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry#1: Acting Out Sexually

In the past, I felt attracted to partners who
had been sexually abused because they were struggling with the same
issues that I was.

On some level, I felt that I was reliving the
abuse every time I had sex with another survivor. I realize now
that I often mistook feelings of fear, terror, and trauma for
sexual excitement and lust. My whole body would shake. It felt as
if we were on the same wavelength, re-experiencing the abuse.

That kind of sex wasn’t healthy, but it was a
big rush. For some reason, it felt very pleasurable and addicting.
Sex became a self-destructive ritual I used to vent my feelings of
anger, fear, and rage.

The abuse of my past had created a well of
powerful, negative emotions inside of me. I would view pornography,
hire prostitutes, go to strip-clubs, sleep around, and get into
relationships with other survivors of sexual abuse.

My need to release these pent-up emotions
felt overwhelming at times. Yet I always knew that my behavior was
unhealthy. Like any other addiction, my misuse of sex grew
increasingly destructive over time. In the end, sexual addiction
only led to greater pain.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: Fear of Being a Sexual Object

I’m afraid of being used for sex. Why am I so
afraid?

If all my abusers wanted was sex, than that
must be all I’m good for. I’m a sexual object with no value. I’m a
sex toy. There is nothing good inside of me. All they wanted was my
skin. All they wanted was my flesh.

I feel so empty inside. I feel so devastated.
They never treated me like I was human at all.

I’m so afraid. I don’t want to be an
object.

Exercise
5-1

Identifying Sexual Addiction Self-Test

-This is a self-test I developed to help
identify the degree of our addiction to sex. This test is not valid
for teenagers. Sometimes teenagers engage in the behaviors listed
below because they are irresponsible, not necessarily because they
are sex addicts. Some of these characteristics apply more often to
men and others apply more often to women. Check any of the
characteristics that apply to your adult sexual behavior.

_____ 1. I often think about having sex with
multiple partners.

_____ 2. I have hired prostitutes for
sex.

_____ 3. I have engaged in providing sexual
services (prostitution or pornography) for money.

_____ 4. I have spent money on sex,
prostitution, or pornography that was needed for other things.

_____ 5. I frequently thought about the next
time I would hire a prostitute.

_____ 6. I frequently thought about the next
time I would view pornography.

_____ 7. I have often turned to sex as a
reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, depression,
stress, or discomfort.)

_____ 8. I have rejected relationships with
people who would not provide sex frequently enough or would not
engage in certain sexual behaviors.

_____ 9. I have had problems with certain
relationships as a result of my sexual behavior.

_____ 10. I have done things I said I would
never do as a result of my sexual desires.

_____ 11. I have engaged in illegal behavior
to satisfy my sexual needs.

_____ 12. I plan ahead and save money for
prostitution or pornography.

_____ 13. I feel shame or guilt about my
sexual behavior.

_____ 14. I have difficulty refraining from
sex, prostitution, or pornography even when I really want to.

_____ 15. I have lost control of my sexual
desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship
with 1-2 times in my life.

_____ 16. I have lost control of my sexual
desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship
with 3 or more times in my life.

_____ 17. Having sex or viewing pornography
makes me feel like I’m in control of my problems.

_____ 18. I have gotten a sexually
transmitted disease or diseases from having unprotected sex.
(Examples: Hepatitis, herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc…)

_____ 19. I feel ashamed or proud of the
large number of people I have had sex with.

_____ 20. I sometimes physically shake in
anticipation of sex or sexual gratification.

_____ 21. I have sometimes used sex as a
substitute for love.

_____ 22. I feel sexual desire for almost
anyone who approaches me in a sexual way.

_____ 23. I will engage in almost any sexual
act if it increases my pleasure.

_____ 24. I sometimes use alcohol,
cigarettes, or drugs to make my sexual pleasure more intense.

_____ 25. I have had sex with multiple
partners at the same time.

_____ 26. I wear tight or revealing clothing
to attract sexual partners.

_____ 27. I don’t feel good about myself
unless people are attracted to me sexually.

_____ 28. I am willing to do things that feel
humiliating or degrading to please a partner sexually.

-The scoring for this self-test is as
follows:

0-7 – Some problems with sexual behavior

8-14 – Early stage of sexual addiction

15-21 – Middle stage of sexual addiction

22-28 – Late stage of sexual addiction

When is it time to get help for sexual
addiction? As soon as we recognize it’s become a problem in our
lives. Sex addicts can get help by working through sexual abuse
issues, improving their self-esteem, attending 12-step groups,
reading self-help

books, and seeing a counselor to discuss
issues of sexual addiction.

Chapter 6
–
Healing Sexual Addiction

“All addictions lead to negative
consequences.”

-Jason Goodwin

As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us feel
that something was taken away from us. We were overpowered, taken
advantage of, or forced to engage in sexual acts against our
will.

Sexual abuse can lead to unhealthy beliefs
about who we are, what we are “good for,” and what sex is all
about. Some of us reacted to the trauma of sexual abuse by
approaching sex. We learned to medicate our fears by developing
patterns and behaviors that made us feel safe and in control.

We avoided committed relationships so we
could move from one partner to the next any time we wanted. A night
of casual sex held no commitments, no obligations, and no
expectations for true intimacy. We kept a stash of money so we
could hire a prostitute or “go out” any time of the day or night.
We turned to pornography because it made us feel that we were in
control over when, how, and how often we expressed our sexual
feelings.