Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (5 page)

There’s no shame in crying. People who allow
themselves to cry are the most vital and alive people I know. I’m
not suggesting that we need to cry all the time. Just that we need
to be genuine with our emotions. If we feel like crying, cry! If we
feel like laughing, laugh! This human journey is processed on an
emotional level. When we stop feeling, we stop living.

There is help for recovering alcoholics and
addicts. If you don’t know where to begin, try looking under
Alcoholism or Drug Abuse in the yellow pages. There are Alcoholics
Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings in virtually every
community in the Western World.

I started binge-drinking at the age of ten
because it helped me to numb the emotional pain of the abuse. I
remember slamming tall glasses of wine and whiskey with the boy who
lived next door. His father was an alcoholic, and there was more
liquor in that house than anyone could keep track of. The warm,
fuzzy feeling I got from alcohol made my pain go away for a little
while.

By the time I enrolled in high school, I was
an every-day drinker. I would take a flask of hard liquor to
school, hide it in my locker, and sip it throughout the day. At 15,
I tried my first cigarette and experienced a dizzy, heady feeling.
That first cigarette tasted terrible, but I liked the way it made
me feel.

Like most addicts, I have a family history of
addiction. Alcoholism runs on my father’s side. Science is
discovering that there is a large genetic component to
addiction.

My substance abuse was an attempt to escape
from the pain of sexual abuse and to escape from reality. I believe
we use addictions to avoid negative feelings, and as a survivor of
sexual abuse, there were many feelings I wanted to avoid. Anger,
fear, depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I had no control
over my life.

As a therapist, I have learned that avoidance
doesn’t work. It’s pointless to try and avoid our feelings. Every
time we drink or use, we pay the price, and the further our
addictions progress, the higher that price becomes. Eventually, we
have to sacrifice our jobs, significant others, families,
self-esteem, self-respect, or even our freedom to continue to drink
and use.

I remember drinking a sixteen-gallon keg of beer
with a couple of friends on the day of a big, college football
game. That evening we drove to another party and I smoked marijuana
with a stranger I met there.

At some point during my drive back to the
dormitories, I found myself staring up at a stoplight with no
recollection of how I had gotten there. I realized that I was going
to kill myself or someone else, so I pulled off to the side of the
road and passed out. I awoke the next morning face down in a pool
of vomit.

I was never arrested for DUI, even after
sleeping the entire night passed out along the side of a busy
street. But at that point, I finally began to realize what I was
doing to myself. I finally began to realize how dangerous I had
become.

For a long time, I drank whiskey and smoked a
pack of cigarettes a day. Eventually I developed bleeding ulcers
and began to vomit blood on a daily basis. I realized that if I
didn’t change my habits, I was going to kill myself, so I decided
to cut back on drinking and even quit smoking for a few months.

For the longest time, I couldn’t understand
why I always used alcohol to medicate feelings of depression. After
all, alcohol is a depressant.

Yet eventually, I figure out why alcohol
“worked” for me. When I was drunk, I felt relaxed. And the more
relaxed I felt, both physically and mentally, the more I was able
to let go of whatever was making me depressed. The end result? I
was a happy drunk.

People with depression often turn to alcohol
to try and forget their worries. Unfortunately, alcohol just gives
us one more thing to worry about. Depressed alcoholics go into a
self-destructive tailspin that ends in jail, institutions, and
death. All addictions are a trap.

My true drug of choice, even more than
alcohol or marijuana, was nicotine. People laugh when I tell them
this, because cigarettes are legal and so common. What many people
fail to realize is that nicotine has powerful anti-anxiety
properties. I remember how peaceful, safe, and carefree I felt
after smoking. It took away so much of the anxiety I was
feeling.

Smokers reach for a cigarette whenever they
feel stressed, nervous, anxious, or angry. And nicotine works
incredibly well at reducing those feelings for a short period of
time. Unfortunately, the chemicals in cigarettes eventually shrink
a man’s testicles and make him infertile. Smoking can lead to
impotence in men which results from a decrease in blood
circulation. Women who smoke during pregnancy may give birth to low
birth weight babies. Smoking contributes to ulcers, lung cancer,
and heart disease.

But most smokers already know the risks. In
my case, I was counting on them. Smoking made me feel powerful and
in control. I was angry with God for the abuse I had experienced as
a child. I didn’t want to live in a world that was so cruel.
Smoking seemed like the perfect solution.

I realize now that I was smoking to medicate
feelings of anxiety and kill myself at the same time. I wanted to
be more powerful than God. If God wanted me to live, than killing
myself with cigarettes was the perfect way to rebel against
Him/Her. There were times in my life when I really did want to
quit, but my anger, fear, and a desperate need to feel in control
of my life continued to fuel my addiction.

I tried to quit smoking fifteen times before
I was finally successful. And even then, I became so depressed that
I left my job and temporarily moved back in with my parents. To
willingly give up the feelings of power and control I had gotten
from smoking cigarettes was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I realize now that smoking cigarettes was
also a way to keep myself miserable. It had become a sick way to
punish myself for having been abused. Sometimes I took pleasure in
knowing that it was killing me. Deep inside, I believed that only
“bad” little boys or girls got sexually abused. I decided that I
must have done something terrible to deserve what had happened to
me. I used to believe that people got what they deserved. Now I
understand they do not.

None of us deserve to be abused, and we are
not bad because of what happened to us. It’s time to let go of the
way “they” treated us and start taking responsibility for the way
we choose to treat ourselves.

I am an addictions counselor and I can tell
you that most people can’t quit their chemical addictions without
help. Inpatient facilities and outpatient counseling programs can
help get us started on the road to recovery. Later, support groups
like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and faith-based
self-help groups like Celebrate Recovery can help us to maintain
our recovery process.

When I first quit smoking, I felt emotionally
raw for a full year. But being sober helped me get in touch with
feelings I had been avoiding for years. It took time, but I slowly
began to feel better about myself. My self-esteem began to improve.
Over time, I learned the true meaning of feeling good.

In the past, our abusers exploited our
weaknesses and attacked our self-esteem. At some point, we came to
believe that we deserved their abuse. We may have even taken over
for our abusers by disrespecting and abusing our own bodies. It’s
time to get the abuser out of our head. When it comes to addiction,
we are the only ones who can stop the abuse.

Exercise 4-1

Identifying Chemical Addictions Self-Test

-This is a self-test I developed for addicts
to help identify the extent of our addiction to alcohol and drugs.
Check any of the characteristics that apply to your drug/alcohol
use.

_____ 1. I wind up using more drugs/alcohol
than I planned to.

_____ 2. I slam, guzzle, or smoke to get high
more quickly.

_____ 3. I often use drugs/alcohol with the
intention of getting wasted/drunk.

_____ 4. I sometimes use drugs/alcohol when
I’m alone.

_____ 5. I have needed more alcohol or drugs
to get drunk/high.

_____ 6. I have hoarded drugs/alcohol or kept
a private stash.

_____ 7. I have concealed the amount or
frequency of my drug/alcohol use from family or friends.

_____ 8. I have lied about drinking or using
to others.

_____ 9. I have engaged in illegal behavior
as a result of drinking/using.

_____ 10. I have had problems with certain
relationships as a result of drinking/using.

_____ 11. I have done things I said I would
never do as a result of drinking/using.

_____ 12. I have often drank/used as a
reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, discomfort, or
stress.)

_____ 13. I frequently thought about the next
time I was going to drink/use.

_____ 14. I planned for my drinking/using in
advance.

_____ 15. I spent money on alcohol/drugs that
was needed for other things.

_____ 16. I have had difficulty staying
sober, even when I really wanted to.

-The scoring for this self-test is as follows:

0-4 - Some problems with drug/alcohol use

5-9 - Early stage of addiction

10-14 – Middle stage of addiction

15+ - Late stage of addiction

When is it time to get help? The answer is, the
sooner we get help, the sooner our lives can improve. As our
addictions progress, the damage they cause to our self-esteem, our
physical health, our emotional well-being, our relationships, our
career, our spirituality, our values, our morals, and every other
area of our lives continues to increase.

-Some of the ways we can work to become
healthy include:

1. Letting the people who care about us back
into our lives.

2. Becoming honest with others and ourselves
about our addiction.

3. Making amends to those we have harmed in
the past with our behavior.

4. Attending AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery
meetings every week so we can ask for help and receive support from
other recovering alcoholics/addicts.

5. Forgiving ourselves for not being
perfect.

6. Making a commitment to getting our lives
in order – legally, financially, personally, and in
relationships.

7. Reconnecting with our goals for the
future.

8. Taking care of ourselves physically,
emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

9. Trying to see the good in all things.

10. Being open to the wisdom of others and
applying that wisdom to our lives.

11. Learning to respect others and
ourselves.

12. Accepting our feelings and allowing
ourselves to feel both the good and the bad.

13. Exercising to help us feel more stable
and release feelings of anger or frustration.

14. Becoming more organized so we can get
more of what we want out of life.

15. Becoming active instead of passively
waiting for things to happen to us.

16. Supporting others in recovery and giving
something back.

Process
Questions

How have my chemical or behavioral addictions
affected my life? (Alcohol, cigarettes, illegal drugs, eating,
gambling, etc…)

How do I feel about the ways my chemical or
behavioral addictions have affected my life?

How would it benefit me to overcome my
addictions?

What might prevent me from seeking help for
my addictions?

What are the steps I can take to overcome my
addictions? (Going to AA/NA/Celebrate Recovery meetings, reading
books on addiction recovery, checking myself into a
drug/alcohol/addiction rehabilitation center, working with a
counselor, etc…)

Stepping Stones to Health

Chemical Addiction

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I use alcohol or drugs regularly,
but I do not feel that I have a problem.

_____ 2. My alcohol or drug use is beginning
to have some negative effects on my relationships, financial
well-being, family, career, or self-care, but I do not feel that I
have a problem.

_____ 3. My alcohol or drug use has led to
legal problems (DUI, possession of illegal drugs, minor in
consumption) or I have been incarcerated, but I still do not feel
that I have a problem.

_____ 4. I am beginning to recognize that my
alcohol/drug use is causing problems in my life, but I do not want
to quit.

_____ 5. My situation keeps getting worse. My
family, friends, or significant other tells me I have a problem and
I know that I do, but I don’t want to quit.

_____ 6. I am beginning to experience health
problems (kidney pain, ulcers or stomach cramps, cirrhosis of the
liver, weight loss or weight gain, loss of hair, loss of teeth,
etc…) but I still do not want to quit and I don’t really care what
happens to my body.

_____ 7. I realize that if I don’t quit my
addiction to alcohol/drugs, I will die, and I want to live.

_____ 8. I have decided to work on my
addiction or addictions but I don’t know where to start.

_____ 9. I have picked up some reading
materials on overcoming addictions and am studying them.

_____ 10. I have attended AA/NA/Celebrate
Recovery meetings or begun counseling/rehabilitation for my
drug/alcohol issues.

_____ 11. I hear what they’re saying, but I’m
still not sure I want to quit. I haven’t found a better way to cope
with my negative feelings than using drugs or alcohol.