Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (10 page)

5. Living in the past or projecting negative
outcomes into the future: Instead of living in the present, I
ruminate about all the horrible things that happened in my past. I
imagine all the ways that I will be miserable and unhappy in the
future. This keeps me feeling hopeless and depressed.

6. Not allowing myself to have fun: I avoid
fun activities and do not allow myself to appreciate hobbies,
games, social activities, work, and life. I try to punish myself
for being a bad person.

7. Turning to cigarettes, alcohol, or other
addictions: I use addictions to numb my feelings and sabotage my
healing process. I hurt my body or abuse myself because I don’t
like who I am. I don’t believe that I deserve to be healthy. When I
shut off my painful feelings with addictions, I am preventing the
changes I’m afraid of.

-What happens when I self-sabotage?

1. My self-esteem drops like a rock, because
every form of self-sabotage is a form of self-abuse.

2. I start to feel hopeless and
depressed.

I need to let go of my addiction to misery. I
have used self-sabotaging behaviors to avoid feelings of anger and
fear.

When I was abused, I survived by never
allowing myself to feel angry or afraid. I could not show anger
towards my abusers or they would have punished me by abusing me
more viciously. I could not show fear because I never wanted them
to know how deeply their abuse was affecting me.

I do not need to suppress my feelings of
anger or fear anymore. If I’m afraid, I can sit and shake. If I’m
angry, I can yell when I’m alone or punch a punching bag. I will
not allow these feelings to destroy me from within. They are toxic,
and they need to be released.

Process
Questions

In what ways have I sabotaged myself in the
past?

How does it feel when I sabotage myself? What
feelings am I trying to cover up or avoid? What is the payoff for
my self-destructive behavior?

How might my life improve if I were to stop
sabotaging myself?

When I feel a lot of anger or fear, what
could I do instead of sabotaging myself? (Go to a 12-step meeting,
do some exercise, punch a punching bag, cry, spend time with my
pet, sit with my feelings, spend time with friends, do some
journaling, talk about it, etc…)

How has self-sabotage kept me from getting
what I want out of life?

Stepping Stones to Health

Self-Sabotage

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. Whenever I start doing well in life,
I sabotage myself.

_____ 2. If I feel upset or am reminded of
the bad things that happened in my past, I sabotage myself.

_____ 3. I realize that I tend to sabotage
myself, but I don’t know how to change these self-defeating
behaviors.

_____ 4. I don’t like it when I sabotage
myself.

_____ 5. I want to stop hurting myself and
making myself miserable.

_____ 6. I have identified some of the ways I
tend to sabotage myself.

_____ 7. I have identified some of the
feelings I experience when I sabotage myself.

_____ 8. I am exploring my feelings by
journaling, talking about them in 12-step meetings, with others in
recovery, or with my counselor.

_____ 9. I am learning that I need to feel my
feelings instead of sabotaging myself.

_____ 10. I don’t sabotage myself as much as
I used to, and I am learning better ways to express my
feelings.

_____ 11. I can now identify when I’m
sabotaging myself and stop these self-defeating behaviors.

Chapter 10
–
Body Image

“Outside show is a poor substitute for inner
worth.”

-Aesop

Survivors of sexual abuse often develop a
distorted body image. This pattern appears to be more common in
women than in men. Our western culture places a great deal of
emphasis on feminine beauty. Most of the men I have spoken with do
not feel this same pressure to look good.

Survivors of sexual abuse often experience a
lot of pain. We are upset about what happened to us and we want to
know what or who is to blame for the abuse. Some of us blame the
abuser, which is the most rational and healthy approach.

Unfortunately, there are those of us who
blame ourselves. This is both detrimental to our self-esteem and
often leads to feelings of shame and guilt. In psychology, we call
this an attribution error. As survivors, we blame our own
characteristics for what happened to us instead of the
characteristics of an abuser.

Sometimes we imagine, “If only I hadn’t
looked at him that way, he wouldn’t have come on to me,” or, “If
only I had been a better son, she wouldn’t have molested me.” But
in truth, we never had that much control.

We are good people. We do not deserve to be
abused. What happened to us was not our fault.

Sometimes we blame our bodies for the abuse.
If we were abused as children, we may come to believe that sexual
predators are only attracted to pretty little girls or handsome
little boys. We try to blame our appearance for the abuse.

Some adult, female survivors of childhood
sexual abuse believe they have to look like little girls to be
attractive to a man. They lose weight or try to reduce the size of
their breasts and hips. They act and dress in ways that make them
look younger. But healthy, adult men are attracted to full-figured,
adult women.

Blaming our body for the abuse is illogical.
It isn’t only pretty little girls or handsome little boys that are
victimized by sexual predators. Handicapped people and the elderly
are often taken advantage of sexually.

How is this possible? Why would a sexual
predator want to abuse someone who wasn’t young and attractive?
Because sexual abuse isn’t just about sex. It is also about power.
The sexual abuse we experienced may have had very little to do with
our bodies or our appearance.

Some of us blame our bodies because we are
too afraid to blame the abuser. If our abuser was a family member,
it may have felt easier or more comfortable to blame ourselves.
Sexual abuse can destroy a family. When it is discovered that one
member of the family is molesting another, that family is often
ripped apart. For this reason, children often feel a great deal of
pressure to keep quiet and keep the secret.

We must realize that there is no cause and
effect relationship between who we were and what happened to us. If
we had been pretty little girls with fathers who respected women,
we would not have been sexually abused. If we had flirted with a
boyfriend who was a gentleman, we would not have been raped. If our
mother had been worthy of our trust, she would not have molested
us.

Release your blame, your shame, and your
guilt. There is nothing you could have done to deserve the abuse.
Your abuser is responsible for his or her actions, not you.

Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse stop seeing
themselves as attractive. At one end of the spectrum, we overeat or
become obese in an effort to make ourselves unappealing to the
opposite sex. This may be an attempt, either consciously or
subconsciously, to prevent further abuse. We may think to
ourselves, “If I’m not attractive, no one will want to rape or
molest me.”

Of course, overeating is a self-destructive
pattern that can turn into an addiction. It can become a compulsive
means of avoiding what we fear. Like all other addictions, it is
unhealthy. Overeating can lead to obesity, heart disease, diabetes,
and early death.

Some of us overeat in an effort to create
bodily defenses against further abuse. Hiding behind layers of fat
can feel like wearing a suit of armor. Yet in truth, safety and
security are a state of mind, not a state of body. We deserve to be
healthy, not obese.

If we wish to defend ourselves against
further abuse, it is much healthier to study martial arts or
practice self-defense. These approaches empower us to protect
ourselves in proactive ways. They can help us get in better shape
physically, mentally, and emotionally. As we practice self-defense,
we gain confidence, begin to feel greater control over our bodies,
and become more capable of defending ourselves against any further
attempt to abuse us. I find that practicing martial arts helps me
release the ongoing anger and frustration I feel as a survivor of
sexual abuse. It helps me to feel more stable and sane on a daily
basis.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are
people who eat very little or vomit their food in an attempt to
stay thin or attractive. Some survivors of sexual abuse only
received love and attention when their abuser wanted sex. They came
to believe that the only way to get love and attention from others
was to be sexually attractive. These survivors often have sex too
quickly in a relationship for fear that their partner will reject
them.

Again, this is an attempt to avoid what we
fear. Obsessive dieting, under-eating, or intentional vomiting are
all highly self-destructive behaviors that lead to premature death.
There is help for people with eating disorders, and therapists who
specialize in their treatment. You deserve to be healthy, not
vomiting your food or starving your body.

Becoming obsessed with physical beauty often
comes from a desire to gain greater power and self-esteem. When
people notice how we look or are clearly attracted to us, it can
make us feel better about ourselves. We may feel powerful and in
control.

But ultimately, striving for physical beauty
is not a way to heal the pain of sexual abuse. It is a poor
solution at best and can become self-destructive at worst. Plastic
surgery, breast-enhancements, collagen lip-injections, or
unnecessary liposuctions to reduce weight in all but severe cases
of obesity are extreme measures. Undergoing a procedure of this
type is often a sign of low self-esteem, not a cure for it.

Self-esteem comes from feeling good about the
real you. There are many, healthy ways to improve the way we look
and feel. Obsessing about physical beauty is not the answer.

The most important thing to remember is that
our body is not the problem. There are many body types that are
beautiful. In fact, the very concept of beauty is different in
every culture.

We may have blamed our bodies for what
happened to us. We may have hated our sexual organs for betraying
us. We may have felt shame or guilt for having experienced pleasure
during the abuse. We may hate our body for having responded
sexually to an abuser.

But in truth, our bodies did everything they
were designed to do. Our bodies deserve no blame. We are beautiful
men and women who have no need to feel ashamed. Our bodies deserve
to be treated well, respected, fed healthy food, and given regular
exercise.

Forgive your body. Love your body. Treat your
body well.

Exercise
10-1

Body Image Exercise

-Answer the following questions on a separate
piece of paper.

1. What are 10 good things your body does for
you?

2. How do you show your body that you are
grateful for what it does?

3. If your body could talk, what would it
say?

4. What does your body want?

5. How does your body feel?

6. How can you provide your body with what it
needs and what it wants?

7. In what ways is your body uniquely
beautiful?

Process Questions

How did the sexual abuse affect my body
image?

What feelings come up for me when I think
about my body? (Pride, shame, guilt, mixed-emotions, etc…)

In what ways have I blamed my body for the
abuse?

How can I see my body in a more positive
way?

How can I start to treat my body with love
and respect?

Stepping Stones to Health

Body Image

-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones
to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

_____ 1. I hate my body, and I blame it for the
abuse.

_____ 2. I wish that I had not been attractive, and
sometimes I think my body is the reason I was sexually abused.

_____ 3. I do not treat my body well.

_____ 4. I am uncomfortable with my body, and I
sometimes feel ashamed of it.

_____ 5. I am beginning to realize that it wasn’t my
body’s fault that I was sexually abused.

_____ 6. I am beginning to look at my body in a
different way. Either that my beauty is a good thing, or that my
body is more beautiful than I realized.

_____ 7. I want my body to be healthy, because I want
to look and feel good.

_____ 8. I am beginning to feel more comfortable with
my body, and am beginning to treat my body well by eating right and
exercising.

_____ 9. I realize that my body has served me well,
and I will do everything I can to take good care of it.

Chapter 11
–
Beyond Shame and Guilt

“My abusers worked very hard to convince me
that the abuse was my fault.”

-Jason Goodwin

Survivors of sexual abuse often experience
deep feelings of shame and guilt. We berate ourselves for what
happened or blame ourselves for the abuse. Why would we take
responsibility for something we did not want and could not control?
Why would we blame ourselves for another person’s actions?