Heart of Gold (32 page)

After leaving the dress shop, Shannon’s father returned to the parsonage while she went to shop for a few more items—flour and sugar and coffee for the parsonage, a new hat to wear with her bridal gown, a gift of some sort for her groom. For the latter, she stopped in at a clock shop, located in a small building squeezed between a bank and a boardinghouse.

As far as she knew, Matthew didn’t own a pocket watch. At least she’d never seen him with one. Not even on Sundays. She wished she could give him something fine, something gold filled and bejeweled, but she would have to settle for gold plated.

At Shannon’s request, the shop owner removed several watches from the glass display case and laid them out before her. She picked each one up in turn, fingering the small details on each case, examining the faces. She pictured Matthew, wearing his Sunday suit, standing beside the fireplace mantel in the parlor of his home, taking the watch from his pocket and checking the time. She imagined him smiling at her as they both remembered the day she’d given him the gift.

“I’ll take this one,” she said at last.

“A very good choice. It’s well made and reasonably priced. Your husband will be pleased.”

My husband
. Nerves fluttered in her chest.
In just four more days, he’ll be my husband
.

Once before she’d been engaged. Once before she’d planned a wedding. But she’d known Benjamin and his family for nearly as far back as she could remember. She would have known how to be the proper wife of a tobacco planter because she’d seen examples everywhere. Would she know how to be a proper wife to Matthew Dubois, express agent and uncle to an orphaned boy? With resolve, she shoved away the doubts. Of course she would know how. Love would show her the way.

She paid for the pocket watch and tucked the small box inside her reticule. Moments later she set off down the boardwalk, walking quickly. She’d taken far too long in the clock shop, and Sun Jie needed the flour for her supper preparations.

Shannon was passing the newspaper office when Jack Dickson stepped through the doorway and into her path. She stopped mere seconds before she would have collided with him.

Jack’s hands shot out to grasp her upper arms and steady her. “Whoa!” he said, laughter in his voice. “Looks like you’re in quite a hurry, Miss Adair.”

“I am sorry, Sheriff Dickson. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“I imagine there’s plenty running through that pretty head of yours, what with the wedding and all.” He stepped back, then held out a hand for the basket. “Please, allow me.”

“Oh, but that isn’t necessary, Sheriff. I wouldn’t want—”

“Please. I insist. I wouldn’t be a very good friend to Matt if I left his fiancée to carry a heavy basket by herself.”

Releasing another small laugh, she handed him her shopping basket—which wasn’t all that heavy.

Jack turned, positioning himself between her and the street, and the two began walking. “How’s Matt doing?”

Her amusement was forgotten. “I haven’t seen him today.” She drew a deep breath. “He’s very sad.”

“I liked his sister. Didn’t know her long, of course, but I got the feeling she was a special lady.”

“She was. Very special.”

“She was mighty keen on Matt marrying you, Miss Adair. You should know that. And I reckon it allowed her to die in peace, knowing you’d be there to care for the boy after she was gone. Matt’s lucky you agreed to marry him without delay. Not every woman wants a readymade family, especially not when Matt’ll be away so much, driving coach.”

Shannon glanced in the sheriff ’s direction. What did he mean? Did

Matthew intend to return to driving stagecoaches soon? He’d never said so to her. Perhaps Jack was only surmising those were Matthew’s plans. And anyway, would she mind if he did? Surely he wouldn’t be away all that much.

No, there was something else that bothered her. Something she couldn’t quite grasp in her mind as she walked beside Jack toward home. And a small seed of doubt took root in her heart.

29

He’s never said he loves me
.

Shannon came awake with that thought in the forefront of her mind.

But surely he does. Surely he wouldn’t have asked me to marry him unless he loved me
.

She got out of bed, pulling a light shawl over her shoulders as she headed for the door. Her bedroom was too warm and she longed for a cool breeze.

I haven’t told him I love him either, but I do. He must know that I do
.

A nearly full moon, hanging low in the western sky, illuminated her white nightgown as she stepped onto the small front porch. Although there was no cool breeze, she pulled the shawl closer as she sank onto one of the chairs. Grand Coeur was silent at this wee hour before dawn. Even the saloons and dance halls were closed, proprietors and customers having taken to their beds at last.

Of course he loves me. The way he kissed me .
. . Oh, how she loved his kisses. How she wished he would kiss her more often. But that would soon change. Look at all that had happened since his proposal. There’d been wedding plans to make that had occupied so much of Shannon’s time. And then Alice had died and there’d been the funeral to get through and the grief to deal with.

What if he doesn’t love me? Would I still marry him if he doesn’t?

The question frightened her. She didn’t think she wanted to find the answer.

Somewhere on the far side of town, a dog barked. From the west, she heard the nicker of a horse. Neither sound was close. They carried easily in the night air.

Is Sheriff Dickson right? Does Matthew intend to return to driving a stagecoach soon? How much will he be away?

Married but alone. Well, not alone. She would have Todd with her.

“I reckon it allowed her to die in peace, knowing you’d be there to care for the boy after she was gone . . . Matt’s lucky . . . Not every woman wants a readymade family . .
.”

Her head began to ache, and a shiver—despite the warmth of the night—ran up her spine.

Father God, whatever is wrong with me? Am I ill?

No, not ill. Anxious. Agitated. Troubled. But why? Why, when she had so many reasons to be happy? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t known Matthew liked driving a stagecoach and that he planned to return to it. He’d said so plainly enough in the restaurant their first morning in town.
“I’m not the kind of man to stay too long in one place
.” Those had been his very words.
“I’ll be back to driving the coach. I don’t reckon that’ll be too long
.”

No, it wasn’t the notion that he would return to driving coach that troubled her. What troubled her was not knowing
why
he wanted to marry her. She needed him to tell her why. She needed him to love her.

After Alice died, William had told Matthew to take the rest of the week off. “You’ve got enough to deal with,” he’d said. “Come back to work after the wedding.”

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’d been moments during the week when Matthew hadn’t been too sure. He had too much time on his hands. Too much time to think, to dwell on his concerns about Todd, to wonder if he would make a decent guardian for the boy and a decent husband to Shannon.

Shannon . . .

He hadn’t seen her at all yesterday, the day after the funeral, and the truth was he’d missed her. She’d become a part of his life. A necessary part of his life. Not just because she’d cared for Alice and for Todd. Her presence was necessary to him too. For his contentment.

Contentment? Yes. Contentment. Matthew had found contentment. The realization surprised him. Despite the sorrow over his sister’s death, he wasn’t longing for his old way of life as he had in those first weeks in Grand Coeur. He didn’t seem to mind the hours he spent in the express office because he knew when he came home he would see Shannon.

There was no question about it any longer. He didn’t just like Shannon Adair. He wasn’t merely fond of her. It wasn’t only desire he felt for her, and it wasn’t because of Todd that he wanted to marry her. He couldn’t imagine his life without her in it—because he’d fallen in love with her.

The discovery was still fresh in Matthew’s mind when he answered a knock at the door to find Shannon standing on the veranda. He smiled, glad to see her, but she didn’t smile in return.

“May I speak with you, Matthew?”

“Of course.” He motioned for her to come in.

“Alone?”

“Sun Ling isn’t here right now and Todd fell asleep in the parlor. He’s been having bad dreams at night.”

“Oh,” she said, “I’m sorry to hear that.” But she didn’t step inside the house.

After waiting a few moments in silence, Matthew was the one to move out onto the veranda.

Shannon turned and walked to the railing, her eyes trained on the three horses in the corral.

He had the feeling she didn’t want him standing too close. “What’s wrong, Shannon?”

“I need . . . I need to ask you something.”

He moved to stand at the railing as well but kept a respectful distance.

She turned her head to look at him. “Why do you want to marry me? Why did you propose?”

“Why? Well, I—”

“Was it because of Todd? So there would be a woman to look after him while you were away?”

Put in those words, it sounded bad. But there were plenty of marriages in the world that had begun for worse reasons.

Her face grew pale. “Is that the only reason?” she asked, her voice cracking.

“Shannon, I—”

“You plan to return to driving again, don’t you?”

“I don’t know. I used to want to, but . . . but things are different now.”

“Things are different now,” she echoed in a whisper. “You never said you loved me. I should have known it was only because of Todd.”

He took a step toward her. “It’s not. I
do
love you.”

“No.” She shook her head as she matched his movement by taking a step back. “Don’t lie to me just so I’ll marry you. Just so I’ll be there to look after Todd. At least be kind in that regard.”

“I’m not lying.”

“It’s all so painfully clear. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Alice wanted me to marry you because of Todd. You wanted me to marry you because of Todd. That’s why you proposed. That’s why the wedding needed to take place so quickly. Because Alice was about to die and Todd would need a new mother. A wife is preferable to a governess, I’m sure.”

Matthew didn’t know what to say. Shannon was right. She was right about all of it. Everything except for the part about him not loving her, and he’d only begun to understand his true feelings this very day.

“You must think me a fool,” she said softly.

“No, I don’t.”

“Or perhaps you think me desperate for a husband.”

“Of course not.” His voice rose in frustration. If she would just give him a chance to explain.

She headed for the steps. “I’ll send Father for Ginny. You needn’t take care of her any longer. Not now that we’ve broken our engagement.”

“Broken our . . . ? Shannon, wait. Please.”

He reached for her arm but she pulled away. Then she was off and running, out of the yard, down the street, and around the corner, taking herself from his view.