Hell on Heels Christmas (7 page)

“Of course I feel something,” she said and tried to bring reason into this. “We were each other’s first and we loved each other. I think it’s normal to have feelings for each other.”

“I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever saw you again. I didn’t know if I was going to be pissed or hurt and now that I see you,” his stare was so intense she held her breath. “It’s like those ten years didn’t happen. It’s just you and me.”

“But there
is
no you and me,” she said hoarsely.  

His intensity had always been arousing. He had tha
t commanding quality about him that she despised yet took comfort in, knowing he would always come for her and would always take care of her no matter what. Leaving Brooks was the hardest thing she’d ever done. She’d loved him but she hadn’t loved him enough to sacrifice her dreams. Maybe he would have come with her but he wasn’t meant to be a drifter. He was a family man that loved White Mist and liked schedules and routine. At times when she wanted to come back just to catch a glimpse of him she reminded herself he was married to Allison who was the perfect woman and that Brooks was better off without her.

“You made that choice. I didn’t.”

“After I said no to your proposal you think we could have just gone on with our relationship as if nothing happened?”

He ran his hands over his face in an aggravated movement that brought back so many memories she looked away and began to pace.

“Didn’t you get it out of your system?” she demanded. “You got married once already.”

He grabbed her arm, yanking her to a halt. He towered over her and his
eyes burned with anger. “You think it’s just marriage I want? If that was it I could have married any other girl in this town.”

She jerked away from him and for the first time loosened her chokehold on emotions long suppressed. She was so used to pushing away any memories of Brooks it had become a habit of denial. Deny
she ever loved a boy named Brooks Hawking, deny how much it hurt knowing he married another woman so soon after she left. She came back to White Mist expecting Brooks to be married. She braced herself for that. Finding him divorced hadn’t factored into her thoughts. The anguish she felt ten years ago when she found out he married someone else was a wound she hadn’t recovered from and as she faced him now, fury spewed like a geyser inside of her.

“You did. You married Allison.”

He came face to face with her. “Do you know how many times I wished she was you?”

She shoved
him so hard he staggered back. It was a testament to how much she tamped down all these years that she came after him and kept pushing, slapping and shoving until she backed him into a wall.

“You think that’s supposed to make me feel better, knowing you married another woman while you still loved me? Do you want me to feel guilty?” she shouted.
“Excuse me if I don’t fall at your feet because you
feel something
for me today. You supposedly loved me then and made someone else your wife. Since you have feelings why don’t you do the same thing and put some ring on another woman’s finger and screw her and think of me!”

Brooks grabbed her and hauled her up against him, grabbing her jaw with a calloused hand and kissed her. She bit him. He jerked back, his lip bleeding and his eyes dilated with desire and fury.

“God, you make me crazy. You’re everything I don’t want in a woman but you’re the only one that makes me feel like this. What the hell did you expect me to do when you left? You thought I’d be a monk and pine for you for ten years and wait until you decided to come back?”

She turned her head and bit the pad of his thumb. He cursed and jerked his hand away from her jaw.

“I don’t want to feel this way!” he hissed.

“Neither do I! You’re an asshole!”

“I wish it wasn’t you.”

“It doesn’t have to be! As soon as I go
back to my mom’s I’m packing-”

“Dammit Regan!
Running away isn’t the answer! Can’t you see that?” Brooks shouted.

She glared up at him, so furious she balled her swollen fist. When she went to swing he ducked and swung her over his shoulder and tossed her on the couch and straddled her in a repeat of his position this morning. He pinned her hands above her head and they sneered at one another, breathing hard.
Brooks was always so cool, so matter of fact and now… She was fascinated with the emotion on his face, the way his body quivered above hers. Even when she said no to his proposal all those years ago he’d asked “why not?” in a voice as calm and reasonable as his father’s. That boy was gone. In his place was a man who wouldn’t politely step aside if she asked him to.

“I’m not running away. There’s nothing for me here!”
Regan snapped.

“If you think that why did you come back?”

Regan snapped her mouth shut. She didn’t have an answer to that. Although his fury still hung in the air the hand that brushed over her forehead, down her cheek and the curve of her throat was caressing and infinitely gentle. Goosebumps erupted over her skin and his mouth curved. He tucked her into the back of the couch so she lay flat and he was on his side facing her. She closed her eyes because she was lightheaded with emotion and memories.

“This can’t be happening,” she whispered.

His hand brushed over her face, making her feel achingly alive and yet so relaxed she teetered on the edge of sleep. The rage dissipated, leaving her numb and exhausted once more. She had never had this with any of the men she’d been with. She was human enough to want a man in her life but it never lasted. To come back to White Mist after all this time and find Brooks not only single but still wanting her was… unthinkable.

“Stay with me, Regan,” Brooks murmured into her hair.

She shook her head and he nuzzled the side of her face with his. She was so warm, inside and out and she didn’t feel threatened. She felt safe and comforted. Was it possible to just fall into old patterns with someone when you’d been gone for so long? How could she feel this way for this one man? Why? She always denied believing in soul mates but at this moment she had to admit she may be wrong.

“I can’t.”

“Why not? Do you have a job to go back to?”

His voice was a comforting rumble in her ear and she shook her head and closed her eyes.

“Do you have a man to go back to in New York?”

She snorted.

“Then why can’t you stay here?”

“Too much drama.”

He chuckled. “You like drama, Regan Lee.”

“I don’t.”

“You do. You tired?”

She nodded. “I don’t know why.”

“Sleep.”

And she did.

When she woke up it took her a minute to figure out where she was. Again. That was her. Fall asleep in random places with men she shouldn’t be with. It was dark out and there was a light on in the kitchen but there was no sign of Brooks. She groaned as she got up and located a bathroom downstairs. She paused and listened for the sound of footsteps upstairs but she didn’t hear anything. She walked into the kitchen and noticed a note and a pair of keys.

Had a trouble call at work. Don’t know when I’ll be back. If you need to go home, here’s the key to the SUV. I’ll see you soon.

Brooks

“Trusting, isn’t he?” she muttered.

For all he knew she could crash his car or steal it. Everyone in this town (except for Missy, that bitch) thought she was the same person that left ten years ago. Maybe the core of her was the same but she was wiser (supposedly) and had a better handle on herself (supposedly). She castigated hers
elf as she looked around Brooks’ house. Okay, so maybe she was less changed than she wanted to believe. How the hell could she leave for ten years, experience all she had and fall back into her stupid patterns? Brawling, sleeping at her ex’s house and now snooping because she couldn’t help herself?

She walked upstairs and found it as sparsely decorated as the downstairs. There were three bedrooms and two baths upstairs. She walked into Brooks
’ master bedroom and looked for any sign of Allison but there was none. Had they not lived in this house together? There were no photographs or mementos of his first marriage. There was no sign that any woman stayed here on a regular basis and why should she care? She banged her head against the wall. Because she was an idiot that was going down a road that could only end in disaster. Thank God for his trouble call because she wasn’t sure what they would’ve done when she woke.

After being alone for so many years, she was starved for touch. She and Daniel had sex but it hadn’t been
anything out of the ordinary and their relationship made sense while hers and Brooks didn’t. How could one look, one touch make her feel more than she ever had for any of the men she’d been with? She lit up like a Christmas tree when she was around Brooks and she couldn’t hold back when she was around him- which is what he’d done to her today. He pushed and prodded until she exploded. Now that he wasn’t around she could see he’d brought her to his house where there would be no interruptions so he could launch his sneaky attack. Damn him. If she was smart, she’d run like hell. Nothing could come of this. Even while she thought that she ran her hand over the cover of his bed and had a mental image of wrapping sweaty hands around the posts of his bed as he pumped into her from behind. Her breath caught and her stomach dipped.

Regan ran down the stairs, snatched his keys and fired up his SUV. She drove to her mom’s house
as if Brooks was on her heels. She parked on the road and jogged up the steps and into the lighted kitchen where her mom was sitting with Missy. Regan bared her teeth at Missy as she got a beer from the fridge and propped herself on the counter again.

“Well, well, look who’s here,” Missy said
archly.

“Don’t you have a husband and kids to tend to?” Regan snapped.

“She was filling me in,” Valerie said lightly.

“You mean gossiping. Give me my phone you ass.”

Missy tossed it on the table. “You’re always so damn secretive. We had to find out someway what you’ve been up to.”

“So what do you think?”
Regan tossed at her mom. “Hooked up with a billionaire, slept my way to the top? Not bad for being gone only ten years.”

“Oh cut the crap, Regan. No one can be in the position you were
in just by sleeping with the boss. I listened to your voicemails and the employees want you back because you were good at your job not because you slept with their boss. God, why do you want us to think the worst of you?”

“Because you always
believe
the worst!” she tossed back.

Missy reddened with anger and embarrassment. Valerie peered out of the window and turned back to her irritated daughters.

“Is that Brooks’ SUV?”

“What?” Missy peeked out of the window and turned back to Regan with her hands on her hips. “Regan Lee, what the hell are you doing?”

“Don’t act like I’m sixteen and sneaking out of my bedroom window. I’m almost thirty!”

“Then act like it!” Missy snapped. “It took Brooks years to get over you.”

“And you think I wasn’t torn up over it too?” Regan jumped off the counter and paced the kitchen. “You think because I said no I didn’t love him? I’ve never loved
anyone
the way I did him and he married Allison less than six months after I left!”

Missy and Valerie stared at her with wide eyes.

“You never said- How did you know-” Missy said weakly.

“It doesn’t matter how I found out that he married Allison. He did. End of story.”

She sat and Valerie promptly put a plate of steak and vegetables in front of her. She hadn’t realized how hungry she was until that moment. She began to eat while her mom and sister communicated in that silent, irritating way of theirs.

“So what happened with Brooks?” Valerie asked casually.

“He had a trouble call.”

Missy frowned. “So?”

“So he gave me the car.”

“Why?”

“I was asleep.”

She looked up and saw the scandalized look on their faces.

“We didn’t have sex. I just fell asleep on his couch.” With him, she added silently.

“Regan Lee, do you know what you’re doing?” Valerie asked cautiously.

“Nope,” Regan said with false cheer.

Her st
omach churned with nerves. Ever since she drove into White Mist her world had turned upside down and all she could do was roll with the punches. Even more shocking than her mom’s welcome was Brooks. How could a guy she once turned down still want anything to do with her?

“Brooks is great. You shouldn’t play with his feelings-”

Regan cut Missy off. “And what about mine?”

“Well, how
do
you feel?”

Regan threw the biggest broccoli on her plate at Missy and caught her right on the nose. Missy shrieked and tried to dive at her but Valerie stepped between them.

“Maybe you should leave,” Valerie suggested to Missy.

Missy stuck the middle finger at Regan as she stomped out of the house and slammed the door behind her. Valerie made a plate for herself and sat at the table with her youngest and most confusing child.

“I don’t want you to leave,” Valerie said and saw Regan tense. “I’m not going to pour the guilt on and make you feel like you
have
to stay but I also don’t want you to get involved with Brooks and leave the way you did before if it doesn’t work out.”

They ate in silence for several minutes. When Regan finished she sat back in her chair and let her gaze rove
over the old kitchen. The same ugly wallpaper she hated as a kid was now yellowed and peeling on the sides. The house wasn’t as big as she remembered and she could see the wear and tear on the house she’d had no mercy on in her youth. She looked at her mom who’d aged. She had the same energy but her temper had mellowed a bit and she was way more cautious with what she said and how she said it. Regan wasn’t angry with her mother as she had been for so many years. She could have stayed in White Mist after refusing Brooks proposal but she would have had to deal with a mom who was convinced that she knew what was best for her. Now that Regan was older she had to admit that her mom’s pushiness stemmed from caring
too
much rather than not enough.

“You loved dad?” Regan asked.

Valerie stiffened and shot her a reproving glance but nodded. “Yes. I did.”

“Why?”

“Because we were so different I guess.”

Regan examined her as if she’d never seen her before. “Are you happy?”

Valerie snorted. “I was before you started asking me these questions.”

Regan shrugged. “When I was younger I didn’t care. Now, I’m curious. You grew up here and dad left you with three kids. Aren’t you mad at him?”

“Yes and no. If he hadn’t left I never would’ve started the shop and I love it.”

“I’m glad,” Regan said simply.

“I’m… content, I guess.”

Regan sighed. “I wish I knew what that meant.”

“Contentment isn’t something that just happens to you, Regan Lee, it’s a choice. You have to want exactly what you have.”

Regan
stabbed her broccoli with her fork. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”

“I believe that.
Ever since you were old enough you were wandering further and further away from home. Of course I was hoping Brooks would be able to put the brakes on you but when he tried to cage you, you bolted.”

“I knew I couldn’t be what he wanted and you guys would’ve made my life hell if I stayed.”

“I’m not gonna deny it.”

“Do you believe in soul mates?” Regan blurted.

Valerie chewed her steak and considered. “I don’t know. Why?”

Regan
tapped her fingers on the table restlessly as she tried to find words to explain what was happening to her.

“I loved Brooks,” she began and bit her lip. “I came back, knowing he married Allison. I felt that
because he found someone else we didn’t have to talk and maybe we could coexist without seeing each other but…” She slapped her hand on the table, startling her mother. “He’s
not
married and he feels,” she used her fingers to make air quotes, “
something
for me so now what?”

“That’s up to you.”

“But I can’t give him what he wants!” Regan said, aggravated.

“How do you know what he wants?”

“Because it’s written all over him! He wants a wife. He always has.”

“Did you think you could be a success in the corporate world
or do all the things you’ve done since you left?”

Regan blinked. “No.”

“Do you have a plan for what you want to do tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Then just shut up and let Brooks take care of everything.”

“If I let him take care of everything I could end up pregnant.”

Valerie was half amused, half concerned. “Well, wear condoms for God’s sake. I think I have some upstairs.”

Regan gaped at her mother in horror. “Please tell me you’re joking because that would mean… Eww! Gag.”

Valerie laughed. “Don’t think too hard on it and I won’t think too hard on you and Brooks.”

Regan sobered. “I don’t think I can go through this with him again.
Hell, I don’t even know if I’m staying!”

“How do you feel about him?”

She couldn’t suppress a shiver. “I don’t know. It’s all a jumble. I never expected any of this.”

“You know I love Brooks as if he was my own son. I love you too.
I want you guys to get together but I swear I’ll keep my nose out of your business.”

“I
can stop this if I leave,” she said thoughtfully.

“Why? You want to go somewhere? Europe? Asia?”

Regan considered. She had a lot of money in the bank and no ties, as usual. She could do whatever she wished. She could swim in the Dead Sea, go to Machu Picchu or see the Aurora Borealis. She didn’t feel even a flicker of want. She just felt an overwhelming weariness. For ten years she fought every step of the way to remove any obstacle that stood between her and what her heart desired. Now she was on the other side of the tunnel, blinking in the sunlight and wondering what next. She always had a vague plan that changed as she went on her adventures but now she was disconcertingly blank.

“No. I’m just tired.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Valerie began and Regan shot her a suspicious glance. “If you don’t mind, maybe you could put off your plans at least until the holidays are over.” When she saw Regan open her mouth she waved her hands and hurried on. “You don’t have to make any promises but just think on it. You don’t have to make any hasty decisions. You can live here and do whatever you want.”

It was appealing in its way. She didn’t have to lock herself into a lease while she figured out
what to do next. She could hide in her mother’s house, spend some time with her before she took off again… But there was Missy and Paula and Allison. Could she deal with all of them during the holidays? Bleh.

“You know I don’t like the holidays,
especially
Christmas.” She gave her mom a tight smile. “Bad memories, if you recall.”

Valerie clapped her hands together. “I haven’t really been all that festive since that crap either but when the grandkids came we got into the spirit of it again. We can try to make things better. What do you say?”

“I’ll let you know if I leave.”