How to be a Pirate's Dragon (Hiccup) (6 page)

8. MEANWHILE, IN A CAVERN DEEP, DEEP UNDERGROUND

Meanwhile, in a Cavern deep, deep underground, a small Deadly Nadder was crying for its mother.

It had wandered away from its home in the cozy tunnels of the Dragon Nursery, and lost itself in the maze of the Caliban Caves below.

Gradually, as it flapped frantically down wrong turn after wrong turn, the happy hissings and squawkings of its fellow dragons had grown fainter and fainter. For the last hour it had heard only the unhappy echoes of itself as it crept deeper and deeper into the blackness.

What is more, it had the bad luck to stumble into a Cavern inhabited by a gigantic creature who was guarding something precious. This was a far larger and scarier killing machine than a mere Skullion. It was at least a hundred years old, and living for a century in such gloomy depths had done very little for its soul or its brain. It was lonely and bitter, and had a longing

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for the light, which it had never seen. But most of all it was permanently hungry.

The little Nadder cried for its mother again, and hopped a bit farther forward.

A singularly unattractive sludgy tentacle curled its way around the small dragon and lifted it into the air.

The Creature did something to the Nadder to kill it, something most unpleasant, and the poor little animal let out a last shriek of absolute terror. ...

And then all was silence.

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[Table: Timetable.]

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9. THE ADVANCED RUDERY LESSON IS INTERRUPTED

This jumpy time of waiting and preparing finally came to an end about two weeks later.

It was halfway through one of Gobber's Advanced Rudery lessons in the Great Hall.

Snotlout was in front of the rest of the class, having a Rudery Battle against Tuffnut Junior. Tuffnut Junior was struggling. He was naturally a good-natured boy and insults were not his strong point.

"You," said Tuffnut Junior, trying to sound sneery "are a big fat... and I mean really
really
fat... BULLY ... and your granny is a ... your granny is a ... your granny is a ... very naughty person. ..."

"Oh, for Thor's sake, Tuffnut Junior!" exploded Gobber furiously, tearing his beard out. "This is a
simple
exercise, can't you do better than THAT? Snotlout's granny is a yellow-bellied decrepit old oyster, Snotlout's granny is a barking mad old walrus-head. ..."

"Wossat????" howled Snotlout, so psyched up for the lesson that he didn't care
who
he attacked.

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"No, no, Snotlout," soothed Gobber, "not
really,
I'm just telling Tuffnut... you're supposed to think of something EXTRA VILE and then spit the words out... you show him, Snotlout."

"With pleasure," leered Snotlout. He leaned forward until his nose was just inches away from Tuffnut's. He grabbed Tuffnut around the neck for extra emphasis. His mean little eyes narrowed with menace, his nostrils quivered with temper.

"You,"
he spat out with savage contempt, "are a cowardly cowering cuttlefish. ..."

"BRILLIANT, Snotlout, BRILLIANT," cheered Gobber.

[Image: Men.]

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"... with the heart of a jellyfish, the brains of a plankton and the stink of a barrelful of mackerel heads."

"Oh BRAVO, " boomed Gobber, "you go straight to the top of the class. At this rate, Snotlout, you will have no problems whatsoever becoming a pirate, which is more than I can say for the rest of you. ..."

ETC,ETC, ETC...

Hiccup raised his eyes to the heavens. He went on absentmindedly drawing pictures in his Insults Book.

He was unexpectedly interrupted by the arrival of Stoick the Vast, and behind him, smiling charmingly, Alvin the Poor-but-Honest Farmer.

"I apologize for disturbing your lesson, Gobber," beamed Stoick.

"Not at all, not at all," said Gobber.

"But I bring GOOD NEWS. We are about to set out on our glorious QUEST TO THE ISLE OF THESKULUONS!!"

There was a short silence, in which Fishlegs turned white as a sheet and made faint moaning noises.

And then everybody else started cheering.

Hiccup put up his hand.

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[Image: Insults book.]

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"What about the Skullions?" he asked.

"I'm glad you asked that," replied Stoick the Vast enthusiastically. 'As we all know," he patted Hiccup affectionately on the head, "Skullions are terrifyingly vicious creatures. ..."

"Savage beyond your wildest dreams," murmured Hiccup.

"BUT," beamed Stoick, "they have not only lost their ability to fly, but also their sense of SIGHT. Indeed, they are guided to their prey almost entirely by smell alone. So it is Alvin's theory that if we BATHE thoroughly before we go -- unusual, I know, but you have to suffer to be rich -- we should be all right."

Fishlegs put up his hand. "Theory?
Should
be? What you're saying is that Alvin doesn't actually KNOW, and we could find ourselves flat on our backs being chewed to death very slowly by a bunch of ravenous reptiles."

Stoick nodded.

"In which case you shall enter Valhalla a Hero of the Tribe! And may I say here," said Stoick solemnly, "that anyone who dies in the course of his duty shall be awarded a posthumous Black Helmet."

"Oh yippee," murmured Hiccup.

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"DEATH OR GLORY!" yelled Stoick the Vast, performing the complicated Hooligan salute, which consists of making a slitting motion across your own throat while letting out a fart like a clap of thunder.

"DEATH OR GLORY!" shouted Gobber the Belch, and eleven of the trainees shouted fanatically, "DEATH OR GLORY!" and made the salute back at him.

"OH, not this AGAIN," groaned Hiccup and Fishlegs to themselves.

Stoick and Alvin's plan really was that simple. The Hooligans and dragons had to bathe themselves thoroughly. They had to present themselves the next day at the Great Hall, where Alvin would make sure they passed what Alvin called "the Sniff Test." This consisted of Alvin, who was good at this sort of thing, seeing if he could smell them or not, and the expedition would set off.

Hiccup nerved himself up to talk to his father, never an easy task.

"Father," said Hiccup to Stoick, after he had bathed himself and Toothless very thoroughly indeed.

"Hmmmm?" replied Stoick absentmindedly.

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He was attempting to dry off his own dragon, Newtsbreath, in front of the fire.

Newtsbreath was an acne-covered sludge green Gronckle the size of a small lion. He loathed water. It had taken Stoick forty minutes to catch him and dump him in the tub. Now he made a furious lunge at Stoick, grabbing his left forearm between his massive jaws. Stoick laughed merrily and gave him a sharp whack on the nose with the scrubbing brush.

[Image: Men.]

"Now, now, Newtsbreath," chided Stoick, "don't be grumpy."

"I'm worried," continued Hiccup, "that we may be setting out on the wrong quest. Do you really think

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we should be looking for treasure? We're quite happy and peaceful enough without all that money."

Stoick ruffled Hiccup's hair affectionately.

"Don't you see," said Stoick excitedly, "YOU'RE going to be the one to find this treasure. That's what the riddle said, 'Only the True Heir can find it.' It has troubled me for some time that Baggybum and Snotlout might have their eyes on your throne. When YOU find the treasure, it will silence them forever. I'm doing this as much for YOU as for the gold and the glory, although I do see myself in a pair of fancy earrings, I must admit. ..."

"But what if I DON'T find the treasure?" asked Hiccup.

But Stoick wasn't listening. He had stomped off to get ready.

"Oh bother," said Hiccup.

[Image: Newtsbreath in the bath.]

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10. THE WORST DAY OF HICCUP'S LIFE SO FAR

At dawn on the day of the Quest, Hiccup got dressed very reluctantly indeed. He buckled on the sword his father had given him, hoping that it wouldn't get in the way too much. He slung a shovel in a sling I across his back, where he normally might have carried la bow and arrow. He was so nervous he couldn't eat his porridge.

He finally managed to drag Toothless out of bed and set off towards Hooligan Harbor, where everybody was meeting.

Toothless sat on his shoulder, angrily rubbing sleep out of his eyes with one wing.

"Toothless don't W-W-WABT to go on Quest,' he complained. "Is s-s-stupid. Is s-s-silly. Is d-d-dangerous."

Hiccup could not have agreed with him more, but all he said was, "You're going to be all right. YOU'VE got wings. Any Skullions attack you, and you just just fly away."

"Yes, but T-t-t-toothless don't like the sight of

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b-b-blood...," whined Toothless. "You get torn to pieces and Toothless feel s-s-sick...."

"We all have our problems," snapped Hiccup crossly.

Fishlegs was already at the Harbor, looking furious. His dragon, Horrorcow, sat at his feet, chewing quietly.

All the other boys were milling about, their dragons fighting each other or flapping over their heads. Everybody was thoroughly overexcited despite the very real prospect of being eaten alive.

[Image: Dragon armor.]

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"Who do you reckon would win if a Skullion was to fight a Bloody Crocoraptor in one-to-one combat?" chatted Wartihog.

"Oh, the Skullion would win EVERY TIME," replied Clueless. "No question. My father says the Skullion is one of the most vicious creatures on the planet. It'd just whip out that famous extra-long claw and swipe ... it'd be Goodnight Crocoraptor...."

[Image: Dragon glove.]

"Ah," said Wartihog craftily, "but what if the Skullion had one paw tied behind its back, who would win then?"

"Idiots," fumed Fishlegs. "Idiots!! I'm surrounded by people with seaweed for brains."

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Other than the boys, there were about fifty adult pirates in the Skullion landing party, all of Stoick's biggest and finest Warriors. Alvin was cracking jokes, giving out hearty handshakes and patting everybody on the back.

Stoick the Vast was delighted to be setting off on a military operation and marched about yelling orders.

"RIGHT, everybody. Once we've landed we split up into groups of two. We fan out across the island, and we get our dragons to sniff for the treasure. Notice you have all been supplied with a whistle -- Gobber, could you demonstrate?"

Gobber blew a sharp blast on the whistle.

"P-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ep!"

"Once you hear that noise you will realize that somebody has found the treasure. Make your way towards the sound as quickly as possible so we can all help to carry it back to the ship. REMEMBER, the dragons will be sleeping during the day and it does not matter how much noise you make because the Skullion is stone-deaf. However, do try not to

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step on one and don't forget that their sense of smell is very acute indeed. So once you land on the island, THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY
NO
FARTING WHATSOEVER. Is that understood?"

The Warriors nodded solemnly.

"Righto, then," said Stoick. "Death or Glory."

[Image: A man.]

"DEATH OR GLORY!" yelled everybody.

And the Grimbeard's Treasure-Seeking Skullion Landing Party climbed aboard the good ship
Lucky Thirteen
to set sail for the Isle of the Skullions.

Dogsbreath the Duhbrain "accidentally" bumped into Hiccup as they climbed in and knocked him on to the floor of the boat, where Snotlout trod on him.

"Clumsy me," grinned Snotlout, swinging the Flashcut in a nonchalant fashion. "Good luck, Useless."

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Lucky Thirteen
set off slowly from the harbor through an ominous thick fog hanging heavily over the whole of the Inner Isles. It was difficult to see more than six feet ahead.

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After three or four hours they caught sight of the Isle of the Skullions looming spookily through the mist. And Hiccup's immediate thoughts were, in no particular order, "Let's go home! Turn around! ABANDON SHIP!"

"Don't sweat," he told himself. "Skullions can smell sweat." But he could feel himself getting hotter and hotter with seasickness and fright as the island drew closer and closer....

In fact, even the bravest and most chatty of the Hooligans fell silent as they sailed deeper and deeper into waters their Tribe had been forbidden to enter for hundreds and hundreds of years.

For the Isle of the Skullions was a very sinister place.

The black cliffs in their odd pillar-like formations and the bloody bright-red earth seemed to whisper the word, "Death."

All around there were crazy towers of limpet shells stacked up in piles perilously high, like so many fantastic sculptures. Being unable to fly or swim, the Skullions were imprisoned on the island. They had long ago finished off any small mammals, reptiles or birds that had once lived there. For years they had had