How to Build a Fire: And Other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew (12 page)

Find Shelter
•  •  •

“Don’t buy a house on the bank of a river.”

—F
RANK
W
ALTER

H
OW TO
B
UY A
H
OUSE

Step 1:
Assess whether you’re ready. It’s a good time to buy a house if you have money in the bank (ideally, 20 percent of the purchase price, plus six months’ of savings), more money coming in steadily, good credit, and a mind to stick around town for a while. If you’re on the fence about any of these, there’s no shame in renting. After all, there is something to be said for flexibility and the ability to call the landlord when something breaks.

Step 2:
Know what you need. Write down everything you require in a new home, including the location, size of the property, amenities, and condition. Consider the school district if you have kids, your commute to work, the air quality, crime rates, taxes, storage, and outdoor maintenance. No matter how passionately you feel about it, a pool with a waterfall and a wet bar are not necessities. You can always install those things later.

Step 3:
Get preapproved for a home loan. Find a mortgage broker, who can compare rates at various banks to find you the best deal, and get a letter stating how much the bank will allow you to borrow when the time comes. If you do find a house you love, and other parties are interested in it, too, you can wave this letter in the air like you just don’t care and the seller will know that you, above all others, actually have the financial power to do the deal. Point: you. Other guy: zero.

Step 4:
Go hunting. Check the classifieds, scour the Internet, and put out an all-points bulletin with a broker, who will be able to show you properties on the market that will hopefully fit your needs. Just remember, brokers work for the seller, not you, so tell them what you’re looking for in a home and your price range, but keep your money cards close to your chest. However you do it, look at as many homes as you can, until you find one you love—and can afford.

Step 5:
Make an offer. Once you’ve found a property you want, ask your Realtor or check Trulia (
www.trulia.com
) or Zillow (
www.zillow.com
) for comps, or prices that similar, nearby houses have sold for recently. Knowing what others have paid will help you get a sense of whether the seller’s asking price is too high (or, in rare cases, too low). When you’ve decided how much you’d like to offer, call the broker (or owner, if it’s for sale by owner) and submit your offer. He may or may not accept it, at which point you can either close the deal or make a counteroffer.

Step 6:
Prep the deal. Once you’ve agreed on a price, the house goes “in contract” while you take care of business. Hire a home inspector, who will check the property for any major problems. (If some arise, the seller may decide to, or in some cases be required to, fix them before proceeding with the sale.) Finalize your loan. Line up your homeowner’s insurance, and then set your closing date.

Step 7:
Close the deal. Once everything is in order, you’ll meet the seller, along with a bazillion other people (lenders, lawyers, and title companies), to transfer the title, pay transfer taxes, and receive the keys.

Step 8:
Pop a bottle of bubbly. Congrats on your new home!

More Handy Tips

• Before applying for a mortgage, make sure your credit is in good shape. Pay every debt in full and on time.
  
• When you finalize your mortgage, add a rider to your contract that states that if the interest rates go down before closing, your bank will offer you the better rate.
  
• Bring a digital camera with you while you’re house hunting, and take notes on each property so you can remember the pros and cons.
  
• Just because a bank will loan you an exorbitant amount of money doesn’t mean you should actually borrow that much. Stay within your comfort zone, and spend no more than 28 percent of your gross monthly income on your mortgage payment, insurance, and taxes.
  
• Schedule one final walk-through of the home before the closing to make sure everything looks good.
  

Set Your Terms
•  •  •

“I always thought a bargain was where both parties were satisfied in the end. Not that I got the best of you or you got the best of me.”

—C
HUCK
T
ATUM

H
OW TO
N
EGOTIATE A
B
ETTER
D
EAL

Step 1:
Work up your courage. You’ll never get a discount if you don’t ask for one. Almost everything is on sale, if you know how to haggle.

Step 2:
Know the market. Be realistic about the price you want. If every butcher is selling the same cut for six to eight dollars a pop, don’t expect to buy one for a dollar. But do ask your seller to match the lowest price. If you’re buying more than one, ask for a bigger break.

Step 3:
Know your audience. You’ll be more likely to get discounts at locally owned stores rather than multinational chains and from managers rather than clerks. If you’re dealing with someone who can’t offer you a discount, kindly ask to speak with his superior. Be charming, if you can. Nobody wants to go the extra mile for a horse’s ass.

Step 4:
Look for flaws. This may feel a bit shady, but it really isn’t. Examine the item you’d like to buy for any imperfections. If it’s got any stains, scratches, pulls, or dents, you’ll be more likely to get an automatic damaged-good discount, which is usually at least 10 percent.

Step 5:
Offer to pay in cash. Stores have to pay a small fee to credit card companies if you use plastic. By paying in cash, they’ll likely pass that savings on to you, if you ask for it.

Step 6:
Walk away. Sometimes the threat of losing the sale is enough to make the seller cave. If he doesn’t, just keep on walking. You’ve already determined that the price is not right.

More Handy Tips

• Be firm. Serious hagglers actually get better deals than sweet ones. When you get down to the nitty-gritty deal making, try not to smile, stammer, or blush.
  
• Be friendly. Insulting the seller or his products won’t make him want to do you any favors.
  

Keep Your Shirt
•  •  •

“A bet is fun if winning is neat and losing doesn’t hurt. Wager a chocolate milk shake after a game. It’s a great thing.”

—B
OB
K
ELLY

H
OW TO
M
AKE A
F
RIENDLY
W
AGER

Step 1:
Make the invitation. Find a willing and honest friend, and propose a bet on the event of your choosing (who can run to the tree faster, who can hit the green in one stroke on a par three, or who will win the Super Bowl). Agree on the parameters before proceeding.

Step 2:
Set the stakes. Only ever bet what you can afford—and are fully prepared—to lose. Even if the odds are in your favor and you’re confident that you’ll win, you must remember that gambling is
always
chancy. When placing your wager, consider your risk more heavily than your reward.

Step 3:
Shake on it. Once you’ve each agreed on the rules and stakes, then look your friend in the eye and grasp hands to make it official. If you’d like, you can even seal the deal verbally by adding “It’s a bet” or “We’re on.” If you really want to make your opponent nervous, throw back your head and belly-laugh.

Step 4:
Watch and wait. Using good sportsman-like conduct (see
this page
), allow whatever event you just bet on to transpire. You may cheer on your contender (even if it’s you), but do be gracious enough to refrain from trash-talking your opponent. It’s just bad form.

Step 5:
Reconcile your bet. Regardless of the stakes you set, remember that you’ve already put something even more valuable on the line: your reputation. If you’ve lost, pay up and offer the winner another handshake and even a few kind words, if you can muster them. If you’ve won, collect your winnings and thank your worthy opponent.

More Handy Tips

• Bet for fun, not to prove a point. There is a difference between making a friendly wager once in a while and being a know-it-all who just wants to be right. If you find yourself often saying, “Oh, yeah? Wanna bet?”—stop talking and listen. If you don’t, odds are you won’t have too many friends after a while.
  
• Before wagering any money, always consider the gentleman’s bet. The winner receives respect and satisfaction, while the loser must endure the shame of choosing poorly.
  
• Gamble only in moderation. Placing bets once in a while is perfectly fine, but if you find yourself obsessing over your wagers, taking too many risks, or losing sleep over your habit, seek help at
  www.gamblersanonymous.org
  .
  

5
Thriving
•  •  •

Practice good health every day, and you’ll live longer and be happier. It’s that simple
.

Get Smooth
•  •  •

“I have such tender skin. After I shave, I put on the aftershave. It smells so good. Then I walk over to my wife, I lean over her, and I rub my cheek against her face on each side. Then I sneak in a little smooch. That’s the routine every time I shave. I know if I keep shaving, I can keep rubbing cheeks with her.”

—J
OE
T
OTH

H
OW TO
G
ET THE
P
ERFECT
S
HAVE

Step 1:
Wake yourself up. You’re about to put something very sharp on something that is, no doubt, very handsome, so you should at least be conscious while doing it. Have a strong cup of coffee (see
this page
for instructions) and read the paper while stroking your chin and pretending your whiskers make you look like George Clooney. Once your eyes are fully open and your blood is pumping, proceed to the next step.

Step 2:
Steam your face. Hot water opens your pores and softens your whiskers, so either take a long, hot shower or lay a steaming, wet towel on your mug for a few minutes. Ah, that feels good, doesn’t it?

Step 3:
Prep your beard. A proper shave will leave your cheeks feeling as soft as a baby’s bottom (that’s a good thing), and to do it right, you’ve got to massage in a few drops of pre-shave oil before lathering up. It’ll help your razor cut your whiskers, not your skin.

Step 4:
Lather up. Wet a badger-hair shaving brush and use it to work your shaving soap or cream into a thick, frenzied lather. Then apply a thin layer to your cheeks, chin, lip area, and neck. Work your brush in a circular motion on your face to help your whiskers stand on end.

Step 5:
Shave with the grain. Using long even strokes and starting at your sideburns, draw your razor along the grain of your hair. Going with your whisker traffic helps prevent razor burn and ingrown hairs. You’ll get most, but not all, of your scruff, but don’t worry your pretty face about that. You’ll take a second pass soon.

Step 6:
Lather again. Be speedy. You’re a pro at this by now.

Step 7:
Shave across the grain. Clean up any rough patches, drawing your razor across any stubborn whiskers.

Step 8:
Splash with cold water. The icier, the better. Cold water not only cleans your face but also closes your pores. Dab dry with a clean towel.

Step 9:
Soothe your skin. A few pats of alcohol-free aftershave should do the trick. Remember, your goal is to moisturize your weary skin, not to give off a fragrance that wafts so heavily in the wind that it’ll disorient nearby birds.

More Handy Tips

• Always use a sharp razor. Using a dull one is just asking for trouble.
  
• Use shaving soap or cream, rather than those airy shaving foams. They protect your skin from nicks better.
  
• If you have sensitive skin, allow your shaving cream to sit on your face for a minute or two before you take your razor to it, and leave your neck, which often has the grizzliest hair, for last. Doing so will help soften up the whiskers even more.
  
• When shaving your upper lip, curl it over your upper teeth to help pull the skin taut and avoid cuts.
  
• If you make a mistake, dab the nick with a styptic pencil to prevent yourself from gushing blood.