How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (9 page)

Mike casts a sideways glance at her, half closing his eyes and pursing his lips slightly
in appreciation. He has found himself in this type of situation almost more often than he
cares to remember: eyeing someone, longing to approach her and yet scared stiff at the
prospect of making the connection. This time, he reminds himself that all he wants to do
is start a conversation and get the young woman talking. His objective is not to have
dinner with her tonight, not to go on holiday with her next Saturday, not to marry her by
the end of the month. Just to say a few words to see if she wants to be friendly. He says
the most obvious thing he can think of:

“Hi, do you mind if I sit here?” -È

The woman moves slightly to her left. “No, I don't mind,” she murmurs, and Mike sits down.

“I haven't seen you at the station before,” he says.

“This is my first day,” she responds. “I'm starting work in an ad agency in town.”

“The train gets pretty crowded at this time,” Mike says, “but sometimes you can get a seat
all the way.”

Mike missed out on the free information. First day, ad agency. He should have picked up
on this and used the conversation starters: where, what, why, when, who and how. What will
you do there? Who are your main clients? Where is the agency? How did you get the job?

All right, let's try it from a woman's point of view:

Dorita, a Web site designer, is walking along the platform and sees an attractive if
rather tired-looking man seated on a bench. She sits down beside him and notices he's
reading the latest P.D. James mystery. P.D. James is her favorite author! He smiles at her
as she sits, and knowing that they have the book in common, she smiles back.

But the man has gone back to reading. Dorita decides to plunge ahead.

“So, are you a P.D. James fan?”

“No,” says the man. “Would you believe this is only the second mystery I've ever read?” -È

“Why is that?”

“I don't get much time for reading. I'm a resident at a hospital in the city.”

“Well, I've read all her books. She's my favorite mystery author. Although I also like
Dick Francis a lot.”

What response can Dorita expect? The last thing out of her mouth is a series of
statements, not questions. Dorita was on track with her second query, a “why” question,
but then she ignored the free information that Joel had given her. Instead, she went on to
talk about herself. If she'd been tistening actively, she would have followed up with
“Which hospital? A resident in what? Why did you pick that specialty?” the “where,”
“what” and “why” that would have led to further conversation.

them the opportunity. If they don't respond, you've at least set up the situation. They
know what you want, so give them a little encouragement. A raised eyebrow or a
straight-out “And you?” will spur them on.

The idea is to respectfully gather as much information as possible by first offering
information about yourself. You can use this information to broaden and deepen your
rapport. This is something to get your teeth into. You are building momentum.

Listening is the other side of the conversation coin.

As a good active listener, you must demonstrate that you're truly interested in the other
person. The key to being an active listener lies in making a sincere effort to absorb what
that person is saying and feeling.

Listening is different from hearing. You may hear a cello as part of an orchestra, but when you actively listen to that same cello, you're consciously focused on every note and absorbing the emotion.

Active listening is an active attempt to grasp and understand the facts and the underlying
feelings of what is being said. It does not mean giving up your own opinions and
feelings, but it does mean that you're there to empathize as much as possible. You can
show how much you understand by giving the appropriate feedback. Listen with your eyes.
Listen with your body. Nod your head. Look at the person. Keep your stance open and
leaning. Encourage the other person verbally.

A distinction should be made here between the “parrot phrasing” school of listening and
the “active” school. Parrot phrasing, or paraphrasing, involves giving back a more or
less accurate version of what another person has just said.

Paul: “How have you been affected by the terrible weather we've been having?”

Cathy: “I love heat waves like this, but the man I'm seeing is threatening to move to
Alaska without me and I think he's actually serious.”

Paul: “Sounds like even though you love heat waves, you might have to move to Alaska if
you want to stay with the man you're seeing.”

The active school means responding to feelings:

Paul: “Sounds like you have some big decisions to make. Isn't it upsetting? How will you
handle it?”

Simply put, with “parrot phrasing” it only sounds like you're listening, whereas with
active listening people feel that you're listening and feel that you care.

Give spoken feedback. Get inside what the person is saying. This kind of feedback ranges from “Primal Sighs” and “International Grunts” like “Wow,”
“Aha,” “Oh” and “Hm” (as you can imagine, these are difficult to demonstrate in a book)
all the way to full-blown reactions like “Oh, really,” “And then what?” and “You're not
serious. So, what did she do?” Any kind of encouragement is welcome in a conversation;
it keeps the ball rolling and shows that you're listening even though you're not saying
much.

Give physical feedback. Use open, encouraging body language. Nod in agreement and use plenty of eye contact, but don't stare. Look away in thought
(looking at your hands from time to time gives the impression of participation). If you're
sitting in a chair, move to the front edge of your seat and look interested or enthusiastic. If you're standing, point
your heart at the other person, nod from time to time, and look thoughtful, surprised or
amused, or whatever your Really Useful Attitude inspires as an appropriate response to
what the person is saying.

With practice, easy, natural conversation will become second nature to you. Here are some
handy tips to work on as you develop and improve. First, as ever,

assume a Really Useful Attitude. Be curious and show concern for others. Encourage them to
talk with you by giving sincere feedback. Work toward finding common interests, goals and
experiences, and communicate with enthusiasm, knowledge and interest.

Futility is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

At the same time, hold up your own end of the conversation. Speak clearly and
deliberately. Slowing down your rate of speech will make you feel more confident; so will
a low-key display of your sense of humor. It helps if you keep abreast of current events
and the issues that affect our lives, so read a newspaper every day and be up to date on

All conversation, big or small, is about painting word pictures of your experiences for
other people. The more vividly you can convey these experiences, the more interesting
people will think you are.

Here's a serviceable description of an everyday event:

“We stood in line for the streetcar for more than 20 minutes. I was so fed up.”

There's nothing here to engage the other person's imagination. Instead of talking in
black and white, learn to talk in color. Involve as many senses as you can in your conver
sation. Describe what things look like, what they sound like, how they make you feel and,
if appropriate, what they smell and taste like:

“It was amazing standing there in silence among all those people. The rain had just
stopped, and my collar was wet. The lights of the buildings were shining in the puddles,
and the hot dog vendor behind us was wringing out...”

This is sensory-rich language, and the imagination yours and theirsrevels in it.

what's going on in the worldthe big issues, at least. In my seminars I have the
participants prepare their own “10-second commercial.” It's really just a way of telling
others who you are and what you do in a few short sentences.

Be yourself. People will like you for who you are. The more you learn to relax, the easier
this will become.

Accept all compliments graciously. Do it simply. Do it directly. Avoid the temptation to
be too modest or self-effacing. The standard two-word response to a compliment is “Thank
you.” Then, if you choose to convert it into a conversation, go ahead and do so. A
compliment with an interesting but less than gracious acknowledgment might go as follows:

“Marion, that's a beautifully tailored skirt.”

“Thanks, I got it for six bucks down at the Salvation Army store.”

A much simpler and rapport-enhancing response would be “Thank you, it's nice of you to
notice.” Such a compliment should also be acknowledged with eye contact, a smile and a
pleasant tone of voice.

Compliments are fine as long as they are sincere. Exaggerated or false compliments destroy
credibility and endanger whatever rapport has been established. Cheap flattery, tired
cliches and patronizing remarks reek of insincerity and can be insulting. On the other
hand, an honest expression of praise can reinforce selfconfidence and even lift the
rapport onto a more heartfelt, personal level.

If you notice something good or interesting about 107

Your tone of voice tells other people how you're feeling, and a pleasing tonality can
positively affect the way they respond to you. Pleasing tonality occurs when your voice
comes from deep down in your body, from your abdomen. It is deep, rich and infectious, compared to a monotonous voice or high-pitched
braying.

To improve your own tonality, practice breathing and speaking from your abdomen. “Belly
breathing,” which uses your lungs to the fullest, is the most calming and healthy way to
breathe. You breathe more slowly and with less stress. Contrast this to chest breathing,
which is the way about 60% of the population get their air. Chest breathing is panicky,
fight-or-flight breathingjust a series of *

someone, or a praiseworthy performance, then a compliment is in order. Avoid general
words like “nice,” “good” and “great.” “Nice suit”big deal! “Blue really suits you” sounds
better. “You're such a good person” sounds like a buildup to being dumped. “You bring out
the best in everyone”now, that's a compliment.

Specific compliments usually come across as being more sincere than general compliments.
“Great soup” won't stimulate your host or hostess as much as "Was long pants. Naturally, if you breathe from your chest, you will speak from the chest.

Put the palm of one hand gently on your chest and the palm of the other gently on your
abdomen. Practice breathing until the hand on your chest doesn't move in and out and the
hand on your abdomen does. When you've got it, take away your hands and just keep
breathing that wayfor the rest of your life. You'll notice that when you get nervous or excited, your breathing will return to your chest. Be aware of this, and take it back down; you'll immediately feel calmer.

Repeat this exercise with your hands on the place where your voice originates. Move your voice from
your chest to your abdomen. It should sound lower, richer and a little slowerwhich is
exactly the way you want it to be for establishing instant rapport and making people like
you in 90 seconds or less.

that the tiniest hint of fresh dill I just tasted? You've done it again!“ If you're
complimenting performance, take the trouble to go into detail. ”You were wonderful today“
is not half as powerful as ”You handled that question about the nursing home without
flinching. That was an impressive strategy."

Deliver your compliment the same way you do your greeting: open your heart and your body,
look directly at the person, speak with a clear, enthusiastic voice, give specific praise and remember to give the person time to respond.

Read the list of “don'ts” below. If you catch yourself doing any of them, you may have
abandoned your Really Useful Attitude or chosen a useless attitude by mistake:

Don't interrupt, and don't end other people's sentences for them, no matter how
enthusiastic or impatient you might be.

Take Dale Carnegie's advice. Don't complain, don't condemn and don't criticize.

Whenever possible, avoid giving one-word answers; they don't usually qualify as
conversation, and they put a heavy strain on rapport. People who monopolize con
versations also trample all over rapport because there is little or no room to find common
ground. They just come off as being rude or boring.

There's nothing quite so disconcerting as talking to someone who is looking elsewhere. If
this happens to you, excuse yourself as fast as possible. People who do this are
incongruent and, frankly, just plain rude.

Finally, look out for bad breath and all the other nasty personal hygiene stuff. No
excuses here. Dragon breath, BO and spinach in the teeth might not make you any less
lovable in the eyes of your golden retriever, but they won't do anything for you at the
office party.

What good is meeting someone for the first time, creating a favorable impression and
establishing rapport if two weeks later the person has forgotten you? It's like writing a
terrific story on your computer and forgetting where you filed it. Give other people a
reason to remember you, and they will. The mind delights in making connections.

You'll remember from Professor Mehrabian's work on believability that face-to-face
communication was broken up into 55% the way we look, 38% the way we sound and 7% the
actual words we use. Something similar holds true for memory. Other studies show that
what people see has about three times as much impact as what they hear.