How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (6 page)

Congruity, then, has one unshakable rule and it is this: If your gestures, tone and words
do not say the same thing, people will believe the gestures. Go up to someone you know,
purse your lips and say, “I really like you,” with your eyebrows raised and your arms
folded. Ask them what they think. Even better, go find a mirror and try it. Well? You get
my point. Your gestures are a giveaway to what you really mean.

Do you feel nervous when you meet someone new? Physiologically, being nervous and being
excited have a lot in common: pounding heart, churning tummy, high chest breathing and the
general jitters. But one of these states might send you hightailing it for the nearest
dark corner while the other one can serve you well and propel you forward. There is a
tendency for panic to accompany nervousness, and this quite naturally makes bodily
activities speed up. Because much of your nervousness stems from increased awareness,
try redirecting some of your awareness toward slowing down and being more deliberate.
One great technique is to imagine that your nostrils are just below your navel and that
your in-and-out breaths are happening down there. The slower you are, within reason, the more in control you will appear.

The sooner you start telling yourself that you're excited rather than nervous, the sooner
you'll be able to convince your subconscious that this is actually how you feel. And, in
fact, that's really all that matters. Change your attitude, and your body language and
voice tone will change to reflect your new attitude. Keep in mind that most people are as
eager as you are to establish rapport. They will generously give you the benefit of the
doubt.

Don't try too hard! In a study conducted at Princeton University, students of both
sexes were questioned about their methods of sizing up people they met for the first
time. Overeagerness was one of the most reported turnoffs. Don't smile too hard, don't try
to be too witty, don't be overpolite and avoid the temptation to be patronizing.

As you become more at ease with your attitude, people will begin to notice
characteristics that are unique to youthat set you apart from the others and define you as
an individual. You will naturally and easily project the likable parts of your own
unique personality and have more conscious control and confidence in your ability to
create rapport at will.

It's just about impossible to be incongruent when you are operating from inside any kind
of attitude, useful or otherwise. Because your attitude precedes you, it is an essential
component of the first impression you make on new acquaintances.

sense of humor. What a relief! My aunt in Scotland is a medical doctor, and so is her daughter. They think alike.

Another coincidence? The plumber in our village comes from three generations of plumbers. The woman who sold me a big ripe Gouda cheese at the Wednesday market in p>Leiden, just outside Amsterdam, had her mother and her daughter working for her. All dressed the same.

What's going on here? Is there some kind of pattern emerging? How come they are so much alike? They have all grown up with harmonious behavior on many levels,

physical and mental. They have synchrony.

Since he was only three years old, my neighbor's youngest son has handled a fishing rod with great respect, just like his dad. He sits a certain way, just like his dad, and when he's
threading the hook, he glances at his father from moment to moment to see if he's doing it
correctly: a certain, almost imperceptible expression says continue, another says be
careful and yet another says no, you've got it wrong. The boy uses his own instincts to
learn from his father, along with very subtle guidance from his father's expressions and
body language and at times his gentle, encouraging voice. Now he can do it, just like his
dad.

our parents, peers, teachers, coaches, TV, movies and our environment, our behavior is
modulated and organized by synchronizing ourselves with the conduct of others and
adjusting to their emotional feedback. Unwittingly, we have been synchronizing ourselves
with other people since birth. A baby's body rhythms are synchronized with those of its
mother. An infant's mood is influenced by his father's mood, a child's favorite toys are
selected to keep pace with her peers, a teen's tastes must conform to what's cool and an
adult's preferences are influenced by mate, friends and the community.

All day long, we synchronize ourselves with those around us. We do it all the time. We thrive on it, and we can't exist without it. We are
always influencing each other's behavior; every moment we are with other people, we make
minute adjustments to our behavior, and they to ours. This is what synchrony is all about.
We process the signals unconsciously and transmit them to each other through our emotions.
It is how we draw our strength and convictions; it is how we feel safe. It is how we
evolve. And it is why people like, trust and feel comfortable with people who are just
like them.

People hire people like themselves. People buy from people like themselves. People
date people like themselves. People lend money to people like themselves. And so onad infinitum.

Perhaps you've noticed that you take to some people immediately upon meeting them for the
first time and yet feel no rapport at all with other new people. Or you might even feel an
instant dislike for some people. This is something we've all experienced, but have you
ever stopped to wonder why this happens? Why is it that with certain people you feel the
natural trust and comfort that comes with rapport? Think back over the last week to some
of the people you met in your adventures. Go over the meetings in your mind and relive
them.

What was it about the people you liked that made you like them? Chances are you shared
somethinginterests or attitudes or ways of moving. People who get on well together
usually have things in common. Those who share similar ideas, have the same taste in music
or food, read similar books or like the same holidays, hobbies, sports or vacation spots
will feel immediately comfortable with one another and like each other better than those
who have nothing in common.

When I lecture, I go over to a large blackboard and write:

I LIKE YOU!

Then I add the tiny, two-letter word “am” between the first and second words of that
joyous phrase so that it now reads:

I AM LIKE YOU! The fact is that we like people who are like us. We are at ease with people who feel familiar (where do you think the word “familiar” comes
from?). Look to your close friends. The reason you get along so well with them is that you
have similar opinions, maybe even similar ways of doing things. Sure, you will often
find plenty to differ on and argue about, but essentially you are like each other.

People with similar interests have natural rapport. If you share an interest in motor
sports with one of the guys at the office, this can become a basis for rapport.

Or perhaps you have two toddlers and go to the park every afternoon to meet up with other
mothers in the same circumstances; this is again a basis for rapport. You've heard the
saying “Birds of a feather flock together”well, quite simply, people are comfortable when
they are surrounded by people like themselves.

Rapport by chance holds true not just on the surface but underneath as well. Shared
beliefs, appearance, tastes and circumstance all contribute to rapport. Perhaps you feel
comfortable around people with fluent, expressive voices or sensitive people who speak
softly and slowly. Maybe you enjoy the company of people who share their feelings when
they communicate or those who get straight to the point and don't mince their words. When
you establish rapport by chance, you have come across someone who grew up with or
developed a style similar to your own.

But why wait for rapport to happen naturally? Why not go straight into synchronizing other
people's behavior as soon as you meet them? Why not invest 90 seconds or less of your time
to establish rapport by design?

Look around any restaurant, coffee shop, mall or other public place where people meet each
other and look around to see which ones are “in rapport” and which ones aren't. The ones who have
rapport sit together in the same way. Notice how they lean toward one another. Notice
their leg and arm positions. Those in rapport are synchronized almost like dancers: one
picks up a cup, the other follows; one leans back, the other does the same; one talks
softly, the other talks softly. The dance goes on: body position, rhythm, tone of voice.
Now look for those people who are clearly together but not synchronized, and observe the
differences. Which pairs or groups appear to be having a better time?

I recently gave a speech at an auditorium in London, and right there, about 10 rows back,
was a beautiful couple. Both were immaculately dressed, with great attention to color
and detail. When I noticed them, they were sitting in the identical position, leaning to
the right with their hands folded close to their respective armrests. Then, as if
responding to a prearranged signal, they both transferred their weight onto the other
armrest, like synchronized swimmers, nodding and smiling in unison. They confirmed
everything I was saying. I caught up with them afterward and learned that they had been
married for 47 years; they were fit, healthy, happy and totally synchronized.

Our goal, then, is to discover the structure of synchrony and modify it to apply to the
different types of people we meet. The key to establishing rapport is learning how to synchronize what Professor Mehrabian called the three “V's” of consistent
human communicationthe visual, the vocal and the verbalin order to connect with other
people by becoming as much like them as possible.

But doesn't this mean I'm being phony or insincere?

No. Remember that we're only talking about a minute and a half! You're not being asked to
engineer a total and permanent personality change. All you will be doing is syn
chronizing another person to put him or her at ease and thus speed up what would happen
naturally if you had more time. The idea is not to make your movements, tone and words
obvious copies of the other person's, but rather to do the same kind of thing you do with
a friend.

Synchronizing skills are really nothing more than a connecting device to our greatest
resource: other people. As we are instinctively drawn toward one another, be it to get
cooperation or emotional feedback or to have our physical needs met, synchronizing speeds
up our mental unification.

Often, when you travel in a foreign country, the plug of your hair dryer or electric
shaver will just not fit into the outletyou need an adapter to make it work, a con
necting device that will let you plug the thing in and power it up. It's precisely the
same thing when you plug into other people. Like the hair dryer or the electric shaver,
you must have an adapter. So think of synchronizing as an adapting device that allows you to make smooth connections at will and quickly.
Synchronizing is a way to make the other person become open, relaxed and happy to be with
you. You just do what they do; you become like them until the other person thinks, I don't know what it is about this person, but there's something I really like!

Think of synchronizing as rowing your boat alongside another person's rowboat,
pointing it in the same direction at the same speed and picking up the other person's
pace, stroke, breathing pattern, mood and point of view. As he rows, you row.

One evening a few years ago, I was sitting in the chalet of a ski club, waiting for my two
youngest children to finish night skiing. Suddenly in walked a neighbor, a lawyer who
had been on polite “nodding” terms with my family. When I saw him arrive, I made up my
mind to try out some simple synchronizing on him. I decided on the outcome I wanted
(remember, know what you want) and that I would continue synchronizing until he made a
definite gesture of friendship. I calmly stood up and he spotted me. We met in the middle
of the large room.

“Hi there,” he said with a tight-lipped smile as he shook my hand.

Matching the tone of his voice, his grimace and his body stance, I echoed: “Hi there!”

He placed one hand on his hip, and with the other pointed out the chalet window. “Just
waiting for my kids to finish!”

“Me, too,” I said, mirroring his gestures. “I'm waiting for my kids to finish.”

I synchronized him, respectfully, for less than 30 seconds of normal, innocent
conversation. Then he suddenly blurted out, “You know something? We really don't see
enough of you and your family. Why don't you come by for dinner one night?”

We set the date right there and then. I could almost read what had happened by the way his
mouth twisted. He was thinking, There's something about this guy I really like, but I'm not quite sure what it is. Obviously, if he felt I'd been copying him, he'd have never issued the invitation!

I had approached him with a Really Useful Attitude of warmth that, even though I was
synchronizing him, I kept fairly close to the surface. I faced him and immediately took
on his overall posture and used similar gestures and facial expressions. The vocal part,
his voice tone and speed, was easy to fall in with. And I used similar words. It sounds
more complicated than it actually was. The whole thing took only a few seconds. It was
fun and it felt good. I really did want to get to know him better, and this seemed the
perfect opportunity. I'm sure we both experienced the thrill

Mr. Szabo, the owner of a large chain of supermarkets, is well known among the trade for
his intimidating manner. One day, he summoned the product managers of three competitive,
nationally recognized brands to meet him at one of his outlets. He led the three product
managers to the aisle in which their products were displayed and proceeded to scold them
for what he perceived to be the disgraceful state of their product facing. As he waved his
arms about, pointing out what was wrong, he raised and lowered his voice, occasionally
pausing to stare at them individually and even jabbing one of them, Paul, on the
shoulder with his finger. At the end of his tirade, two of the browbeaten individuals
nodded and made excuses, which gave Mr. Szabo even more ammunition to use against them. ->