How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (10 page)

Ask yourself these questions: How can I stand out from the rest? Is there a persona or
some little touch of style I can create for myself? All kinds of things can give you an
image: a fresh cornflower worn in the lapel or discreet, very expensive frames for your
eyeglasses; beautiful vests, impeccable shoes, a bow tie, the Galloping Gourmet's
suspenders; Gillian Anderson's hair or Goldie Hawn's laugh.

A friend of mine works for a national chain of megastores that sell computers and
stereos. “I used to spend half an hour explaining the features of a product,” she told me,
"and then the customer would go away to think about it. He would come back another day, go
up to the

Jill and Robin, two middle-aged ladies, are sitting across from each other at a table in
a French restaurant. They're halfway through lunch when several people are shown to a table nearby. A young woman in the group recognizes Jill and lets
out a gasp of delight. She had been a student in one of Jill's classes several years ago.

After many hugs and exclamations,. Jill turns to her lunch companion: “Robin, this is Edwina. She was one of my most wonderful students back in my days irs Stratford. I'll never forgetshe had these rituals for organizing herself and her work. Everything had its own special place and order at her desk. Sometimes she drove me crazy, but it always used to fascinate me how meticulous she was.”

“Nice to meet you,” Robin says, taking Edwina's hand.

“So tell me, Edwina, what are you doing these days?” Jill asks.

Edwina proceeds to tell Jill about her work as associate producer on a local TV show,
and then adds: “There are quite a few of us there from school. Do you remember Suzanne
Sparks?”

“No, I'm sorry, I can't quite picture her,” Jill says, searching about with her eyes.

“You know, the one who always came to class in those crazy leather vests.”

“Oh yes, of course.” Jill turns to Robin, including her -È 112 in the picture. “Suzanne was a terrific painter. I believe she spoke Spanish and German,
too. Does she still have that mop of spiky red hair?” she asks, turning back to Edwina.

“No. She's long and blond now, and she's our director of programming. And what about
Torn”?“ Edwina continues. ”She's at the station, too."

“Now, which one was Toni?” Jill asks.

“Toni March. She was always really friendly. Lived out in Malton.” When Jill gives no sign
of recognition, Edwina says: “She was such a hard worker.”

“Sorry, dear, I can't quite place Toni. Who else?” “Greg Cuddy. He's our sales manager.”
“No! Not Greg with the nose ring?” Jill shakes her head in disbelief. “Greg Cuddy was such a nervous young man. He drove his mother's pickup truck
everywhere. If memory serves me correctly, he ran a train-spotting site on the Internet.
He published a newsletter and had people from . . . ”

Jill invites Edwina to join them at their table, and her friends at the other table order
lunch without her as the reminiscing continues.

The point of this story is that it's easy for Jill to recall her former students when
her memory is triggered by an image. People are more likely to be remembered if they have
some kind of handlesome kind of device that makes them stand out from the crowd.

first salesperson he saw and make the purchase. It didn't matter that he had my card or
that I gave him so much time; the chances of his coming back to me personally were slim.
Then I hit on a way to be memorable. Since I'm from Newfoundland, I tell customers to ask
for the 'Newfie' when they come back or phone the store.“ In Canada, a ”Newfie" is often
the target of dumb, stereotypical jokes, but my friend used this verbal image to her
advantage. It is a handle or, if you prefer, a container to hold and access a whole
package of previously stored information.

Find something to set you apart from the rest. Give them something to remember you by.

sensory input, and then we explain our experiences to ourselves and to others. That's it. We go to bed and get up the next day and experience all over again. This is how we evolve. Obviously this is a major oversimplification, but for the purpose of this chapter it gives us a basic foundation on which to build.

This is where our Really Useful (or Useless) Attitude originates. There are two ways of explaining our experiences to ourselves and others. We call them explanatory styles. Upon waking up in the morning and seeing that it's raining outside, an individual with a negative explanatory style might say, “Oh, heck, it's raining. It's going to be a lousy day,” whereas someone with a positive explanatory style might say, "Hey, free car wash,

and great for the garden." The point is that the nature of our explanations determines our attitudes, and people have differing responses to the same
external reality.

We can loosely categorize these responses into familiar mind-sets and patterns. In the
1970s Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the founders of Neuro-Linguistic Programming,
noticed in their early work with clients that people could be roughly divided into three
types, depending on how they filtered the world through their senses. They called these
types Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic. For example, let's say three students go to a rock
concert. Judy is primarily Visual, Phyllis is Auditory and Alex is Kinesthetic. When
they later describe their experience to their friends, Judy will paint word pictures to
tell what the concert looked like: "Oh, wow,

you should have seen itall these people jumping about and the singer ripped his pants and
his toupee flew off!“ Phyllis will say what the concert sounded like: ”The music was
incredible. The beat was deafening; everyone was yelling and singing along. You should
have heard it. It was a real screamer!“ Alex, who relates to feelings and touch, will
describe what it felt like: ”Oh man, you could just feel the energy. The place was packed.
We could hardly move, and when they played 'Blue Rodeo' the whole place erupted."

In other words, Visuals tend to use picture words, Auditories choose sound words and
Kinesthetics favor physical words.

What we are talking about here is a new dimension of synchrony and rapport. This chapter
will go beyond attitude, body language and voice tone to the very way our senses take in
and literally make sense of the world around us.

the three ways in which we can be inspired: by something we see externally, or
internally in our mind's eye as an image or a vision; by something we hear either
externally or emanating from that little voice inside; or by something we feel or touch.
Usually it's a combination of these experiences that helps us interpret the outside
world, but one of these three sensessight, sound or touchtends to dominate the other two.

To the untrained eye (or ear), all of us look, sound and feel just like ordinary folks;
however, to the trained person there are subtle but important differences. As you might
imagine, an individual who gives primary importance to the way things look will be
concerned with and influenced by appearances. Similarly, someone to whom sound is
important will respond to the way things sound, and a person who experiences the world through physical sensations will be concerned 117 with the way things feel, both internally and externally, through touch.

Last year I was listening to two politicians being interviewed on the radio. They were
both thinking of running for the leadership of their party. When the interviewer asked
them to “voice their plans,” one said, quite thoughtfully, “I'm leaning heavily toward
giving it a shot.” The much quicker response from the other man was “Now that we have a
clearer view of the future, I can see the possibilities.” The interviewer responded,
“Sounds like you're both ready to announce your intentions.”

What do you reckon? Can you grasp the distinction? The interviewer, using phrases like
“voice your plans” and “announce your intentions,” was probably Auditory. (In all
fairness, that would be natural language to use on the radio, but still a surprising
number of radio hosts turn out to be Auditory.) The first aspiring leader used physical
language“lean heavily,” “give it a shot”and spoke deliberately, indicating a Kinesthetic
inclination. The second hopeful candidate had “a clearer view” and could “see the
possibilities,” and therefore came across as pretty Visual to me.

Of course, no one is totally Visual, utterly Auditory or 100% Kinesthetic. Naturally, we
are a mixture of all three. Yet, in every person, one of these systems (rather like left
or right-handedness) dominates the other two.

Studies have shown that as many as 55% of all people in our culture are motivated primarily by what they see

(Visual), 15% by what they hear (Auditory) and 30% by physical sensation (Kinesthetic).

Take the self-test on pages 120-123, and you'll begin to see why you connect easily with some people when you first meet them but not at all with others, and why you feel as if you know certain people even though you've never seen them before. It comes down to natural sensory harmony. When two Visuals meet, they are familiar to each other because they see things the same way

(this doesn't mean they agree) and express their experiences in the same way. The same goes for two Auditories or two Kinesthetics. On the other hand, if the person you meet sees, hears or feels the world in a different way from yours, you need to learn how to recognize that fact and how to adapt and tune in to his or her wavelength to you'll probably say, “Oh, I'm a Visual, for sure.” But you might be in for a big surprise.
Take the following test to see how you tune in to the world. Choose only one answer from
each question, and circle the letter next to your answer.

If only three rooms are left at a beach resort, I'll choose the room that offers a) An
ocean view but lots of noise. b) Sounds of the ocean but no view.

c) Comfort but lots of noise and no view.

When I have a problem, a) I look for alternatives. b) I talk about the problem. c) I
rearrange the details.

When riding in a car, I want the inside to a) Look good. b) Sound quiet or powerful. c)
Feel comfortable or secure. -*

When I explain a concert or event I've just attended, I first a) Describe how it looked.
b)Tell people how it sounded,

c) Convey the feeling.

In my spare time, I most enjoy a) Watching TV or going to the movies. b) Reading or
listening to music. c) Doing something physical (crafts/ gardening)

or playing a sport.

The one thing I personally believe everyone should experience in his or her lifetime is a)
Sight. b)Sound,

c) Feeling.

Of the following activities, I spend the most time indulging in a) Daydreaming. b)
Listening to my thoughts.

c) Picking up on my feelings.

When someone is trying to convince me of something, a) I want to see evidence or proof. b)
I talk myself through it. c) I trust my intuition.

9) I usually speak and think a) Quickly.

b) Moderately.

c) Slowly.

10) I normally breathe from a) High in my chest. b) Low in my chest. c) My belly.

11) When finding my way around an unfamiliar city, a) I use a map.

a) I ask for directions, c) I trust my intuition.

12) When I choose clothes, it is most important to me that a) I look immaculate. b) I make a personal statement about my personality. c) I feel comfortable.

13) When I choose a restaurant, my main concern is that a) It look impressive. b) I can hear myself talk. c) I will be comfortable.

14) I make decisions a) Quickly.

b) Moderately. c) Slowly.

Tally:

a's =

b's =

c's =

a) is Visual, b) is Auditory and c) is Kinesthetic. The higher the number in each
category, the stronger the tendency.

By taking this test, not only will you now have a strong indication of how your three main
senses stack up, but you'll also begin to understand how people can have differing
priorities. However, there are many variables at work here, not the least of which is
that you already knew the purpose of the test before you took it. In my seminars, I
generally have people complete this test before they realize its significance.

Try it on a few friends and see how they fare. Use their results to further your insight
into being able to recognize sensory preferences.

establish rapport that can lead to a meaningful friendship or relationship.

To give you an idea of how sensory preferences impact on our day-to-day life, let me tell
you about my own situation. I am Auditory and my wife is Kinesthetic. If we have a
falling out, Wendy knows to connect to me in my “language,” with Auditory words. She
gets my immediate attention by saying, “Nick, you're not listening to me. You're not
hearing a word I'm saying.” If she were to say, “Can't you see what I'm saying” or, even
worse, “Can't you see how that makes me feel?” the truth is no, I could not.

Sure, I make the obvious intellectual connection, but I have to stop and think about it;
my brain has to take the extra step of translating her language into something I can
relate to. When she sends a message on my Auditory wavelength, she makes a direct
connectionfast.

Conversely, if I want to connect directly to her sensibilities, I say, “I know how you
feel when that happens.” In other words, I use a touchy-feely, Kinesthetic approach.
Simple, yet extraordinarily effective.

What do sensory types have to do with making people like you in 90 seconds or less? More
than you might expect. When you can figure out other people's sensory preferences, you can communicate on 124

The words “I have scoured the four corners of the earth” tell a lot more than “I've looked
everywhere”; they force the connection to scrutiny, diligence,

detail, determination and more. They also easily involve sight, sound and feeling, and
this is why metaphors appeal simultaneously to Visuals, Auditories and Kinesthetics.
Visuals can picture them. Auditories can hear them and Kinesthetics can get a feel for
what's happening.