How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (8 page)

Pitch. Does the voice go up and down? Voice pitch is one way to change someone's energy level.
When you raise pitch and volume, you become more excited. When you lower them, you become
calmer, right down to the intimacy of a whisper.

Rhythm. Is the voice flowing or disjointed? Some people have a melodic way of speaking, while
others have a more pragmatic, methodical output.

Words. There is yet one more powerful area we can synchronize, and that is the use of a person's
preferred words. We will be covering this fascinating world in Chapter 9.

Synchronizing allows you to deeply identify with other people and get a better
understanding of where they're coming from. Practice synchronization in all your activities, whether you're in an
interview, at a bus stop, dealing with your children, calming an unhappy customer, or
talking to the teller at the bank, the flower seller, the barman at the pub. You're not
likely to run out of partners. Make it a part of your life for the next few days until you
are competent without tryinguntil it becomes second nature.

were first with the eye contact and first with the smile.

You introduced yourself, and miracle of miracles three seconds have gone by and you can still remember the other person's name. You've begun synchronizing, and you feel confident that rapport is building.

But now what?

It's conversation time! Conversation is one very significant way to build rapport and forge the bonds of friendship. It comes in two equally important parts: talking and listening. Or, as you'll soon see, asking questions and actively listening.

You may have found yourself in a situation where you wanted to talk to someone but suddenly felt tonguetied and self-conscious about doing so. Or maybe you've felt your stomach sink as you take
your seat on an airplane next to some interesting-looking person and can't think of a
way to start talking without feeling self-conscious. What will they think of me? Am I boring?

Am I intruding? And most important: How shall I start? The idea is to get the other person talking, then find out what matters to him or her and
synchronize yourself accordingly. This is the realm of small talk, the hunting ground
for rapport. It is here that you will search for common interests and other
stepping-stones to rapport. While big talk is serious stuff like nuclear disarmament and
politics, small talk is everything else: your personal Web site, renovating the bathroom,
a speeding ticket or the color of cousin Marisa's new sports car.

Stop talking and start asking!

onversation is how we open other people up to see what's inside, to deliver a message, or both. And questions are the spark plugs of
conversation. Be aware, however, that there are two types of questions: those that open
people up and those that close them down. Questions work with incredible ease and the
results are virtually guaranteed, so be sure you know which is which.

Here's the difference. Open questions request an explanation and thus require the other
person to do the talking. Closed questions elicit a “yes” or “no” response. The problem with closed
questions is that once you've been given a response, you're back where you started and
you'll have to think of another question to maintain some semblance of conversation.

A simple formula for striking up a conversation: Begin with a statement about the
location or occasion, then ask an open question.

It's a good idea to precede an open question with an opening statement. The best type of
rapport-inducing statement is one linked to something you already have in common with the
other person: the meeting or party you're attending, some fascinating current eventeven
the weather will do in a pinch! We call this a location/ occasion statement. Examples
include: “What an elegant room.” “Look at all that food.” “It was a wonderful service.”
“My wife knows a few of your piano pieces by heart.” “He never knew what hit him.” That
sort of thing.

Next comes the open question: “Where do you think those vases came from?” “How well did
you know him?” The very fact that your question is open will guarantee that you quickly
receive free information.

Use opening-up words. Good conversation is like a leisurely game of tennis with the words being pitched backward
and forward for as long as there is mutual interest. When the words go off the court, it's time to serve again. An open question is
the equivalent of a wellaimed serve.

Open questions begin with one of six conversationgenerating words: Who? When? What? Why? Where? How? These words invite an explanation, an opinion or a feeling: “How do you know that?” “Who
told you?” “Where do you think this information comes from?” “When did you come to that
conclusion?” “Why should I be interested?” “What good do these words do?” They assist us
in establishing rapport and making connections because they oblige the other person to
start talking and begin opening up.

You can boost these conversation generators by adding sensory specific verbs: see, tell
and feel. In doing this, you're asking the person to go into his or her imagination and
bring out something personal to show you. “Where do you see yourself by this time next year?” “Tell me why you decided on Bali for your vacation.” “How do you feel about calamari?”

Avoid closing-down words. These words will have you playing tennis all on your own against a brick wall. The opposite of opening-up words are
these interrogatives: Are you . . . ? Do you . . . ? Have you .. . ?

In other words, any questioning forms of the verbs “to be,” “to have” and “to do” will
close off your chances of rapport-inducing conversation. They elicit a one-word reply: “yes” or “no.” Then what? You have to ask another question. You're going nowhere:

“Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Do you come here often?” “No.” “Have you ever thought how
wonderful it would be to just drop everything and go bungee jumping in the middle of the afternoon?”

“Yes.”

“Did you realize that no matter how long and interesting you make your questions, if
they begin with closingdown words you're more than likely going to end up with a
one-word answer?”

“Oh.”

For one whole day, do nothing but ask questions and answer questions with a
question. For variety, ask only open questions. You'll soon get the idea.

In fairness, closing-down words do have their place police, customs officials and certain
other regulators of the people are taught to use them to get “straight” answers. However,
I'd like to remind any of you who have had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of
this type of “conversation” that it probably didn't make you like the person in 90 seconds
or less!

There are times when you find yourself suddenly thrust into the presence of someone who's
just too good to pass up. These delicious moments seem to coincide with the exact second
that your brain freezes over and you go gaga: Help, what do I say? What do I do? Where shall I look? What will people think? Keep going with this line of self-questioning and you'll get the sweats, a palpitating
heart, a beet-red face and goofy body language.

The easiest of these situations is when the two of you are thrust together: sitting next
to each other on a train, plane or bus; riding in an elevator; waiting in a Laundromat
or the lobby of a hotel; working in adjacent booths at a trade show; or checking out the
fruit to see if it's ripe at the same counter at your local supermarket. In these
situations, you already have quite a bit in common with which to work.

“Hi,” “Hello” and “Good morning,” accompanied by a smile, are all good ways to begin and a
great way to get feedback. A returned smile is a good indication that you're on the right
track. Keep it simple and unimposing; keep it courteous, happy and light. Don't get too
close and personal right up front, or you might get excluded. You want people to say to
their friends, “I met this really nice guy this morning,” not “This disgusting pervert
tried to hit on me.”

Once you're sure the other person is responding favorably to the interaction, you can try
some more specific opening lines. Not surprisingly, an opening line works better if it's
an open question, but you may not always be able to find one that sounds natural. Some
times you might have to start with a closed question or a location/occasion statement: “Do
you know what time this bank closes today?” or “Phew, that's quite a storm.” So make sure
you have an open question ready for the follow-up in case all you get in response is a yes
or no.

Below are some examples of “openers” to try once you've said hello or exchanged smiles. Precede them all with a location/occasion statement.

Anywhere

Where are you from? I've never been there. What's it like? How did you end up here?

On a train, plane or bus

How long are you going to be in Duluth/Stratford/ Majorca?

Where are you from?

Have you always lived there? If yes, try: I've never been there. What's it like? If no, then: So where else have you lived?

How long will you be traveling for?

What do you think of Amtrak/Air Italia/these new Greyhound buses?

An interesting aside: When meeting someone for the first time, North Americans tend to
ask, “What do you do?” whereas Europeans prefer “Where are you from?”

At the supermarket

If you're both standing in the fresh-fish line, staring at a pasta display or checking
out avocados, you already have something in common.

How can you figure out if there are enough mussels in that bag for two people?

Can you tell me the difference between fresh pasta and the stuff in a packet?

How can I tell if these are ripe?

Do you know where they keep the bags for the produce?

Have you ever tried this kind of sauce/frozen dessert/ mushroom before? Ifyes, then: How does it taste?/What is it like? If no: Is there another kind that you'd recommend?

How long would you cook a chicken this big?

I forgot to pick up some pickled octopus. Do you mind saving my place in line? (This can be a good icebreaker because you'll have an excuse to chat when you get
backif only about the octopus. Don't be gone long,
though,oryou'llriskannoyingtheotherparty.)

In a hotel/motel lobby

Do you know where I can I get a map?

Have you stayed here before? If yes: What's it like? If no: Neither have I. So how did you come to choose this hotel? Do you know this city at all? Ifyes: I've got only one day here. What do you think is a must-see? If no: So what brings you here?

At a convention

So where are you from? What seminars have really grabbed you so far? Do you know of any
good restaurants outside of the hotel? What did you think of the keynote speaker? I'm going to get a coffee. Can I bring
you one, too?

(Note: This gambit works in countless situations as a way to sound out other people's
level of interest. Usually, if they're not interested, they will refuse your offer. If
they accept, it often means they're willing to interact further.)

At the Laundromat

Where can you get change around here?

Do you know where I can buy some postage stamps/ orange juice/cat food?

I'm going to get a coffeecan I bring you one, too?

(See above.)

Does it really matter if you mix whites and colors?

In line at a movie/play/concert

Why did you pick this movie/play/concert?

So are you here to see Neve Campbell or what's her name, the other star?

What did you think of the actor/author/performer's last film/play/CD?

In a long waiting line: Can you save my place so I can get a coffee? Can I get you one?

At an exhibition/museum/trade show/county fair

Wow, what do you think of that? Do you know where the vintage locomotives are? What's your favorite event/display/ride so
far? Have you seen the giant pumpkin yet?

Walking your dog or watching others walk theirs

He's adorable. What breed is he? Great leash. Where did you get it? So what are Chihuahuas
really like, anyway? Tip: Dog owners often end up socializing in public places, but don't get a dog unless you truly love animals!

Running into someone you're familiar with but have never plucked up the courage to talk
to

Hi, I have a couple of tickets to a play/the circus/ a recital, and I was wondering if
you'd like to join me.

Hi, I'm really nervous but I'd love to buy you a coffee.

In all of these situations, give the other person about three chances to interact. If
after three questions or comments, he or she is clearly not responding enthusiastically,
don't make a pest of yourself. Disentangle graciously by saying something simple like
“Have a nice day,” “Enjoy the show,” “Enjoy the rest of your flight/ trip/holiday,” or
whatever else is appropriate.

It's actually easy to get free information from a stranger. This doesn't mean trying to
learn someone's credit-card number. What it means is learning the other person's name,
interests, personal situation, and more. As you will see, almost everybody is more than
eager to give away this information if it's requested in the proper way.

In fact, people will tend to follow your lead in offering information. That's why you
say your name first. And the more you give, the more they will, too.

If you say, “Hi, I'm Carlos,” you're likely to get “Hi, I'm Paul.”

If you start with “Hi, I'm Carlos Garcia,” you'll probably get “Hi, I'm Paul Tanaka.”

And if you start with “Hi, I'm Carlos Garcia, I'm a friend of Gail's,” Paul will probably
respond in a similar way: “Hi, I'm Paul Tanaka, and I work with Gail's husband.”

When you add information tags to your name, people tend to respond to them because
you've offered

Mike arrives at the train station five minutes earlier than usual. It's a warm, misty
morning, and there are about 20 other people on the platform. Most of the usual commuter crowd hasn't shown up yet. Mike tucks his newspaper under his arm,
stirs his coffee with a plastic stirrer, then turns and flicks the stirrer successfully
into the garbage can just behind him. As he moves back to his spot, he notices an
auburn-haired young woman in a dark gray suit walking toward him. The woman stops about 10
feet away and sits on a bench. She carefully places her briefcase next to her and looks at
her watch.